People that do not direct their anger at the correct people, or in the correct fashion drive me nuts.

The more I start to deal with my "issues" the more that other people piss me off.  Right now, we are REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY upset with my little sister.  LOTS of us!  (Let's see, just to name a few, Mom, Dad, my husband, my Aunt/Uncle/3 cousins, countless friends).  Blood boiling upset.  Heck, its 1:15AM (2:15AM with spring forward tonight), alarm goes off at 7AM for Church and I am wide awake.  Well some of those people are taking their anger at her out on me.  I know they are upset/hurt/angry...but direct it at her or hold it in. 

Maybe more on the issues with my sister later.  We shall see how the next few days unfold.

God is love.

My issues regarding my Gpaw are front and center in my life right now.  A few people know bits and pieces but NO ONE knows everything.

Jo just texted me to tell me that Gpaw is in town and she is meeting him for lunch.  I made it very clear to her to NOT tell Gpaw where I live.  I am so fearful that he will show up here and start his junk. 

The incidents between jerkball Gpaw and I started at about age 7 til about 14, then again about 21 we had another incident. 

I don't like Jo going out to lunch with him, I worry that he'll hurt her. 

I am home alone right now, I want my husband HERE!

God is love.

I haven't blogged at all in 3.5 months.  I think the slacking in blogging is in part because Facebook takes away the need somewhat, plus I realize how PUBLIC the internet is.  I don't "hide" my blog but I don't want some reading it.

With recent events going on, I just feel the need to come here and vent.  This is my blog, I'll own anything I write here, but its slightly my safe haven.

Early in the week, I was told via text message that my Jerkball Gpaw has skin cancer.  I've said it time and time again, my life will be easier when this man dies.  I love him but do NOT like him.  I wish and hope and pray that he finds Christ.  I know Gpaw often feels alone on this planet but really, he did this to himself.  You can't  verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abuse your children & grandchildren and expect them to want to have a relationship with you.  I have to protect myself so I keep myself away from him as often as possible.  Today, I thought I was going to have to be at an event where he was today.  I was sick all night last night and all morning today, thinking about having to deal with him.  My Mom had two seizures last night because she was worked up about seeing him.  My husband prayed with me and for me a few different times to help me with the situation.  I had another friend praying for me too.  At the event, I was early...Gpaw was on his way.  My Dad became my rock then.  We were in the craft room, I just started balling (cause it was just Dad & me) and screaming "I DON'T LIKE HIM!" over and over.  Dad just hugged me tight.  I know Dad said a few things too regarding how to deal with Gpaw that day (its Mom's father) but I don't have a clue about what he said...because then he had to drop the bomb that Gpaw's skin cancer is VERY serious, they've already removed part of his jaw.  Wow.  Wasn't expecting that.  Makes me sad in some ways.  I just want him to find Christ and forgiveness in Christ.  About 30 minutes after my complete breakdown on Dad, we got a call that Gpaw wasn't coming because the weather was to bad.  Again, I know lots of things I say regarding Gpaw sound harsh, but to me, him not being able to come was an answered prayer.

Now, this EVENT.  It was SQUISHY's first birthday party!  (Since I last blogged Jo & Squishy are living with Mom & Dad).  It was about 50 people in Mom & Dad's house.  They have a decent size house, but not that decent sized.  Sardines in a can!  I can't believe Squishy is one!  (Not yet, but he'll be with his Dad on his birthday).  Everything went well minus Mom having a small seizure.  Mom, Dad, Jo, my husband and I did a lot to make this party come together.  My lovely older sister JJ is so fake, two faced, and a liar, I can't handle it much longer.  Today, when she thought I was out of earshot...she was bad mouthing me to Jo & my husband.  IDIOT.  Jo stuck up for me before Hubby had to.  She has NO idea what happened as to why I dislike Gpaw so much yet she was like "Gpaw yelled at me once, I just yelled back."  She was so rude and mean to Dad today.  I could go on and on about her but I'll stop.

In 2 weeks, My Dad, His brother, their wives and all their kids / grandkids will be going up north to celebrate my Gpa's 80th birthday.  Its a surprise.  I'm excited.  We are meeting in a parking lot a mile from the house then all just showing up for the weekend!  (Grandma knows we are coming)  There should be 18 of us...plus Gpa & Gma.  Thankfully they have a pretty huge house (5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms)

My mental health has been okay in the last bit.  I mean, I still have crazy mood swings and struggle to put one foot in front of the other...but its not suicidal crazy thoughts.

Snow sucks...winter sucks.  2 weeks and 2 days and I'm going to FL.  3 weeks and 5 days and I'm going to NV.  Yes, Hubby & I are gone 3/19-3/20...then 3/21-3/25 then 3/31-4/5.  Busy times.  We were going to go away for Easter, to KY...but I am in the Church Easter play.  After these trips we will probably be near home til Time Share Time in September but that's still just a 5 hour car ride.

God is love!

I know I barely blog anymore, but whatever.  Its my blog, always has been.  I'll blog what I feel like, when I feel like.

My mental health has been HORRIBLE lately.  HORRIBLE.  People tell me they are scared for me...hell.  I am scared for myself.  Tonight, because I was such a wreck, I didn't want to stay home alone but I am managing.

Today marks the 15th Anniversary of my cousin ET's death.  I miss him like crazy (but really this has nothing to do with my horrible anxiety / depression).  Like I was telling Jo today, besides being my cousin that was closest to me in age...we were a lot alike.  Goofy, random, diverse, goody goody, and Jesus Freaks!  I day dream about how life would be different if ET wouldn't have died.  Would his brother not have ran away and gotten in all types of criminal trouble?  Would his sister not have gotten hooked on drugs & overdosed/committed suicide?  What would his kids look like?  Would he like his new step-dad/brother?  I know, the What ifs don't do any good, but for me, it helps keep his memory alive.

God is love!

Just because a female is puking does NOT mean she is knocked up.

Since I blogged last, husband & I bought a travel trailer.  I am so excited!  We are going to a State Park for the weekend, this coming weekend.  I grew up camping often & LOVED it.  I haven't been camping in a good 5+ years now.  I wanted a tent, Husband wanted a huge crazy trailer.  We compromised with a 2004 27ft trailer. 

I went on a retreat with 13 other ladies from my Church this past weekend.  I didn't want to go, but two tickets came available at no cost & mom wanted to go.  Mom couldn't go unless I did.  We still had to pay for our food/gas/hotel but the conference itself was free.  I enjoyed myself more then I can put into words.  My Mom, myself, and Chelle's Mom shared a hotel room.  (Made me miss her terribly again, plus her birthday is approaching in a few weeks).  I did have to miss one speaker & the main concert that NewSong put on because of Mom's health, but that's okay.  Two different ladies gave me huge compliments about how loving, patient, and caring I was with Mom.  Its nice to get compliments, its nice to have others notice your good behavior/actions.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

I openly admit many things about myself.  I have no problem seeing my faults but there is little that I care to do to change them...plus part of my "issues" I think are part of my anxiety/depression/bi-polar problems that no meds or counseling or doc has been able to help yet.

One of those issues is I am VERY EASILY annoyed by things/people.

Things that EASILY annoy me, in no special order...

* Lateness
* Things that work slow (like the guide on the TV)
* Rudeness
* Judgemental people
* Insulting others (goes hand in hand usually with rudeness & judging)
* Wasting time (see that part about lateness & being slow)
* Liars

All of those things have been getting in my way today.  Not good!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cool thing happened last night.  I got a new toy.  I haven't seen it in person yet, I should tomorrow.  It should be in my possession until next Sunday afternoon.  We got a trailer!  A camper.  A travel trailer.  Whatever you want to call it.  Its used but new to us.  2004 27ft of camping goodness!  I can't wait to use it!

Tomorrow is the start of VACATION!  We aren't going anywhere that cool.  Just to Traverse City  for the week.  Golfing, eating out, exploring, and relaxing!  Quality time with husband is much needed!

And the best news of late...BEST NEWS I tell you.  Do you know what BEST means?  And no, it doesn't involve me & babies.  My cousin who has been missing (runaway) since 2002 is FINALLY found & communicating with me (and some other family members).  My cousin was the oldest of 3. His brother ET (my favorite cousin!!!) died in 1995.  Tim went MIA in 2002, his sister Trin, my frisin, died in 2006.  Well, now he's found!  We have been emailing each other.  He has talked to his mom on the phone twice.  You have NO IDEA how sweet this is.  I always had reason to believe he was alive but never knew for sure.  A few weeks ago, I found something online that had him alive as recent as Feb 2010.  The info I found this time, I shared with my favorite Aunt, Jo, and Dad.  Dad shared it with jerkball Gpaw.  Favorite Aunt shared it with Tim's mom (other Aunt).  Well, now we are in contact.  NEVER GIVE UP!

God is love!

I often (so far, since I'm kid-less and NOT pregnant) keep my thoughts about such matters to myself (and a few select family/friends) but THIS

article just ERRRRRRRRRRRRR!

The headline is

C-Sections More Common at For-Profit Hospitals

DUH!  IDIOTS!

That's all.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

http://www.cpt5.xmedx.com

I wish they sold thicker skin at a store because I need some!

Between people just being mean and hurtful because they are jerks and stupid comments about me sucking as a person because I'm not pregnant yet, I'm at my wits end so often.

Don't have time to write more.

God is love.

Grab a cup of coffee and a snack before you sit down to read this post...I can tell its going to be a long one.

TOY, my hilarious 12 year old nephew is in the hospital as I type.  He was bitten by a brown recluse spider (or something very similar since they say we don't have those in Michigan).  The bite is on his forearm and the infection or whatever its call is up to his armpit.  The meds they have him on right now have made him unable to walk/stand.  If things stay the way they are/improve, surgery won't be needed.  We should know in the next 16 hours.

Today (kinda today...kinda Sept 5) is a sad sad sad day.  My cousin/friend (the one who I made the frisin term for) would be celebrating her birthday today...instead we are facing the 4th anniversary of her death.  (Some say she died today, some say 9/5 when my aunt found her body).  Another reminder why drugs are BAD.  Its never been made clear to me if (WHAT DRUG) she overdosed on and why some say it was a planned overdose/suicide.  It breaks my heart to think the last time I saw her, she was in my bathroom doing crystal meth & we were fighting tooth & nail.  I do find peace knowing our last telephone conversation (a few days before she died) was happy & positive.  When I think about where my life was at, during this time...its amazingly strange how much has changed!  Shell & J weren't married, I hadn't dated my friend (and that whole situation!), and I barely knew of my husband.  My Grandma was GRAVELY ill when my cousin died.  I remember when I first talked to a good friend of mine, she thought for sure, I was so upset cause Gma died.  Gma was doing so bad she didn't even attend cousin's funeral.  To see where my Gma is four years later...its amazing.  81 years old & doing good.  Gma is my living proof that God heals & does miracles.

Today (not the date, but the fact that its Friday of Labor Day weekend) is a special day.  It marks the anniversary of my & husband's first date.  I can't believe how much my life has changed, I can't believe I am MARRIED.  If you would have asked me 365 days ago if I thought I'd be married to my husband today, I would have laughed.  I wouldn't have said I wouldn't be married...but NEVER would have imagined who I am married too.  I'm so glad God is in control and knows what He is doing.  His timing is amazing.  God gave me exactly WHO I needed, and WHEN I needed it.  I couldn't ask for more in my husband.  We are going to golf with Church tonight then out to dinner at the place we first went.  I'm excited.

I stopped seeing my counselor in mid July for various reasons, mainly because the doctor there refused to listen to me.  My husband finally asked me about it today, I'm glad the air is clear on this subject.  I think (I know!) I need counseling and meds...but the current situation wasn't working, so that's life for now.

Lately I've REALLY been struggling on where I fit on this planet.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.  I don't fit in with single people, I don't fit in with married people (since most have kids), I don't fit in with a lot of people because of my Christian views, I don't fit in with people because I'm uptight, unfriendly, and guarded.  My husband doesn't get my feeling like I don't fit in and more then that, he doesn't get my need to have friends or whatever.  My old friends live to far for me to do stuff with them these days.  Husband sees people every day while working, he sees people/friends while golfing & bowling....I don't have that, and I need friends.  Because I feel SO MUCH like I don't fit in anywhere these days, all I want to do is stay home.  A friend of sorts wants me to do a girls night with her and her friends next friday.  I do NOT want to go at all...I feel like she asked because my husband told her to.  Seriously, I have ZERO friends I would call to hang out with EVER.  ZERO.  I have a VERY VERY VERY select few that I can text with problems or randomness.  I am just walking around lost lately.  I've got God & husband holding me up to keep me alive.

God is love.

My husband owns his own business.  He has for 20+ years now.  Its obviously a successful business to 1) still be in business in this economy 2) allow me to be a housewife 3) allow us to travel often 4) allow us to live the lifestyle we do.

DO NOT misunderstand me, we are FAR FAR FAR from well off (which people tend to think we are.  Again, trust me...we aren't!).  My husband works VERY VERY hard and LOTS of hours.  April-November, he often works 6AM-6PM plus weekends.  (Again, lots of hours but it does give us freedom when we want to take off early and hit a baseball game or something)

Like I said, there are lots of advantages and for those, I am grateful.  Right now, I'm upset, scared, angry, and frustrated.  WHY must people mess with people?  Why can't people live their live and others live theirs?!  I, obviously, must be vague here...but really, I don't know very much.  I know one of the government's "helpful" departments was called on him, his company.  Chances are it will be nothing...but the stress & headache (and time & possible money) is stupid.  ERRRRRRRRRRR.

(Side note...that I thought when typing above...I hope this doesn't mess up our trip next month, or new yet to be fully planned trip in April.)

Moving on...I am AFRAID of birds.  Its not a joke, its a true FEAR of mine.  I think its the fluttering motion that gets me.  I've been afraid of birds as long as I can remember.  Along with birds, big bugs/moths/butterflies...HATE THEM.  I have joked a lot about living in the middle of no where, aka...farmville usa (which I called my town LONG before the popular facebook game).  Since getting married and moving across town (and note, we are miles north of town!) I truly live on a farm.  We don't operate the farm portion, but its our land that we lease to farmers.  Well, life on the farm just about killed me last night.  There is a door to go to our basement/outside.  Went to open it last night & there was a FU*KING BAT!  I was home alone.  I slam the door SOOOOOOOO quickly but wasn't sure if he was trapped in the basement/landing part or if he got in.  I dropped the laundry that was in my hands on the floor, scream for the dog & run out the doorwall.  Call husband screaming & crying.  Poor JadaTheDog and I had to sit outside for like an hour.  (If it was reallllly cold, I could have went and sat in a barn/garage/truck...but it was about 65).  Husband got home, found & killed the bat that was still in the basement area.  I made him check every inch of our house for other bats before I would come back in.  Panic attack is an understatement of how I reacted.  Just talking about it today makes my heart race & gives me goosebumps.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Why is it so hard for people to realize that not everyone wants plastic surgery to look better, to please others?  I HATE HATE HATE my chest.  My hate isn't about what others think in the slightest.  I have looked into surgery a lot...I know the pros and cons.  If money grew on trees, I'd have the surgery done YESTERDAY!  I've been blessed (insert sarcasm here) with EXTREMELY saggy & uneven boobs.  Maybe if they were just saggy or just uneven, I'd hate them less...but both is horrible.  Shopping for clothes is horrible (don't even mention bras or swimsuits) and makes me avoid it like the plague.  Getting dressed each day is horrible.  I have to adjust my poorly fitted bra more times then I can count before I toss on a t-shirt.  I wear a t-shirt more often then not because it covers up the parts of me I hate the most.  Physically wearing a bra is uncomfortable (because no where I know of sells bras built for 2 different size cups!) yet, wearing nothing is uncomfortable sometimes because they sag and just rest against my large rib cage.

ERRRRRRRRRRRR!

God is love!

Should be a long message...

I am a reality TV junkie...have been since I was in HS many moons ago.  Real World has always been one of my favorite shows.  This season Real World is in New Orleans (again).  One of the girls this season (Jemmye or something like that) was previously in an abusive relationship.  In the episode I just watched, she started really talking about the abuse & getting counseling.  Really stirred up emotions that I thought were gone.  10+ years ago my abusive past still makes me scared, hurt, angry, and mad.

My Work & Witness trip to SC was exciting, exhausting, life changing, fun, and a million other emotions I could never put into words.  We broke down on the way there, had to hang out in a random Church half of the day on Saturday (08/07/10) then had to stay in hotel rooms for the night, missed Church in SC on Sunday.  Sunday night or maybe Monday morning the old super rude crabby lady that went on the trip yelled at me because my shorts were to short.  Later in the week she threw a bag of noodles at another lady.  Nice huh?  I love this lady, but do not like her.  The teens and all the other adults were GREAT.  God did awesome work in myself and just about everyone involved.

Husband & I had a big fight last night.  I hate fighting with him.  And while I say fight, it wasn't really a fight...I didn't yell or cry at all.  At some point, he got in his car & went for a drive because he was so upset.  He's still mad at me, doesn't trust me, and is even mad at God.  Him being mad at God is, BY FAR, the most upsetting part to me.  Today he did admit to something I called him out on last night.  I get blamed & not trusted for his cheating ex-wife and other crazy relationships he has been in.  I feel like he isn't happy with the changes God has been making in me.  I've basically given up my city friends (I'd be there for them in a HEART BEAT and vice versa, but hanging out is really only a planned in advanced special occasion).  God has been working on me for 15+ years and is in full force lately.  I was gone for 8 days with Church's work & witness trip...and now this week, helping with our Church's VBS...mainly because we are trying to start handing more stuff to the younger generations.  My heart is working with teens.  Our youth group is growing like crazy lately.  Its very likely that we will have to split into a middle school/high school group soon.  If so, I'm going to be leading one of them.  Husband seems to be jealous of the teens from Church facebooking me, texting me, calling me, hanging out with me at Church.  That hurts because I KNOW that's where God wants me.  The fight from last night & the issues with the teens are to separate issues...just rambling.  Husband has a difficult time that I am getting involved in Church things or something because he feels like he's not enough for me.  I have no interaction with people throughout that day since I do this housewife gig...while he works by himself often, he sees people, customers, and yada.  I am not a people person, I am guarded...but those I let close, I like to see/talk to.  I know marriage isn't easy, I know marriage won't come without its trials...but I hate the tension.  Husband loves me, I love him, and we both love Jesus, so I know this will pass...but it makes me sad & heart heavy.  I do know I have prayed about it a lot today and so have some of my friends/family (without them having the slightest bit of details).

Little Boy P.  I LOVE THAT BOY!  During the trip to SC, I talked to a few about the situation.  We talked & prayed about it a lot.  Then one day, Husband & Little Boy P's family were in court.  His Mother (for the third time with him...remember she alreayd lost her two daughters) has been given three more months to clean up her act.  His grandmother still has temporary custody of him.  (Note:  I didn't know about the court thing while I was in SC & praying about what to do in this mess)  This week, I have gotten the pleasure of spending quality time with Little Boy P.  We are leaning towards fostering him if the opportunity really arises.  His birthday is Friday & I won't get to see him...his party is Saturday & we won't be able to go to that.  We were going to take him out for ice cream tomorrow night, but he's going to the fair...so we decided to go with him (and his Grandma, sisters, and cousins). 

Its late, I can't sleep but I don't want to type more.

God is love!

Its 4:30AM and I'm still awake.  Not cool.

In two days (literally to the minute!) I'll be leaving on a Work & Witness trip with my Church.  Very excited for what God has planned for us, but nervous about the unknowns and nervous to be away from Husband for so long.  I'll be able to call/text/email him so that should help...but still.  Outside of my box!  Excited, anxious, and nervous.

After lots of talking & praying, and talking to others & having others pray.  We have decided to not pursue the adoption of Little Boy P.  There was talk of us fostering him for awhile & we do NOT want to go that route at all.  This has been very sad & emotional for me.  The door isn't completely shut on this, but until God opens it more...it is.  Sad!  :-(  I want nothing but the best for him, and I know we could give him that.

My Mom said something earlier today about when Husband & I have our own family.  That hurt.  If its just husband and I forever, we are still a FAMILY.  Having kids or not doesn't make you a family.

I want children NOW, doesn't matter biological or adopted...but I don't need everyone to remind me.

God is love.