The Spaz Says

2011-03-13T01:17:00.001-05:00

People that do not direct their anger at the correct people, or in the correct fashion drive me nuts.

The more I start to deal with my "issues" the more that other people piss me off. Right now, we are REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY upset with my little sister. LOTS of us! (Let's see, just to name a few, Mom, Dad, my husband, my Aunt/Uncle/3 cousins, countless friends). Blood boiling upset. Heck, its 1:15AM (2:15AM with spring forward tonight), alarm goes off at 7AM for Church and I am wide awake. Well some of those people are taking their anger at her out on me. I know they are upset/hurt/angry...but direct it at her or hold it in.

Maybe more on the issues with my sister later. We shall see how the next few days unfold.

God is love.

2011-03-12T12:23:00.001-05:00

My issues regarding my Gpaw are front and center in my life right now. A few people know bits and pieces but NO ONE knows everything.

Jo just texted me to tell me that Gpaw is in town and she is meeting him for lunch. I made it very clear to her to NOT tell Gpaw where I live. I am so fearful that he will show up here and start his junk.

The incidents between jerkball Gpaw and I started at about age 7 til about 14, then again about 21 we had another incident.

I don't like Jo going out to lunch with him, I worry that he'll hurt her.

I am home alone right now, I want my husband HERE!

God is love.

2011-03-05T23:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged at all in 3.5 months. I think the slacking in blogging is in part because Facebook takes away the need somewhat, plus I realize how PUBLIC the internet is. I don't "hide" my blog but I don't want some reading it.

With recent events going on, I just feel the need to come here and vent. This is my blog, I'll own anything I write here, but its slightly my safe haven.

Early in the week, I was told via text message that my Jerkball Gpaw has skin cancer. I've said it time and time again, my life will be easier when this man dies. I love him but do NOT like him. I wish and hope and pray that he finds Christ. I know Gpaw often feels alone on this planet but really, he did this to himself. You can't verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abuse your children & grandchildren and expect them to want to have a relationship with you. I have to protect myself so I keep myself away from him as often as possible. Today, I thought I was going to have to be at an event where he was today. I was sick all night last night and all morning today, thinking about having to deal with him. My Mom had two seizures last night because she was worked up about seeing him. My husband prayed with me and for me a few different times to help me with the situation. I had another friend praying for me too. At the event, I was early...Gpaw was on his way. My Dad became my rock then. We were in the craft room, I just started balling (cause it was just Dad & me) and screaming "I DON'T LIKE HIM!" over and over. Dad just hugged me tight. I know Dad said a few things too regarding how to deal with Gpaw that day (its Mom's father) but I don't have a clue about what he said...because then he had to drop the bomb that Gpaw's skin cancer is VERY serious, they've already removed part of his jaw. Wow. Wasn't expecting that. Makes me sad in some ways. I just want him to find Christ and forgiveness in Christ. About 30 minutes after my complete breakdown on Dad, we got a call that Gpaw wasn't coming because the weather was to bad. Again, I know lots of things I say regarding Gpaw sound harsh, but to me, him not being able to come was an answered prayer.

Now, this EVENT. It was SQUISHY's first birthday party! (Since I last blogged Jo & Squishy are living with Mom & Dad). It was about 50 people in Mom & Dad's house. They have a decent size house, but not that decent sized. Sardines in a can! I can't believe Squishy is one! (Not yet, but he'll be with his Dad on his birthday). Everything went well minus Mom having a small seizure. Mom, Dad, Jo, my husband and I did a lot to make this party come together. My lovely older sister JJ is so fake, two faced, and a liar, I can't handle it much longer. Today, when she thought I was out of earshot...she was bad mouthing me to Jo & my husband. IDIOT. Jo stuck up for me before Hubby had to. She has NO idea what happened as to why I dislike Gpaw so much yet she was like "Gpaw yelled at me once, I just yelled back." She was so rude and mean to Dad today. I could go on and on about her but I'll stop.

In 2 weeks, My Dad, His brother, their wives and all their kids / grandkids will be going up north to celebrate my Gpa's 80th birthday. Its a surprise. I'm excited. We are meeting in a parking lot a mile from the house then all just showing up for the weekend! (Grandma knows we are coming) There should be 18 of us...plus Gpa & Gma. Thankfully they have a pretty huge house (5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms)

My mental health has been okay in the last bit. I mean, I still have crazy mood swings and struggle to put one foot in front of the other...but its not suicidal crazy thoughts.

Snow sucks...winter sucks. 2 weeks and 2 days and I'm going to FL. 3 weeks and 5 days and I'm going to NV. Yes, Hubby & I are gone 3/19-3/20...then 3/21-3/25 then 3/31-4/5. Busy times. We were going to go away for Easter, to KY...but I am in the Church Easter play. After these trips we will probably be near home til Time Share Time in September but that's still just a 5 hour car ride.

God is love!

2010-11-17T21:31:00.001-05:00

I know I barely blog anymore, but whatever. Its my blog, always has been. I'll blog what I feel like, when I feel like.

My mental health has been HORRIBLE lately. HORRIBLE. People tell me they are scared for me...hell. I am scared for myself. Tonight, because I was such a wreck, I didn't want to stay home alone but I am managing.

Today marks the 15th Anniversary of my cousin ET's death. I miss him like crazy (but really this has nothing to do with my horrible anxiety / depression). Like I was telling Jo today, besides being my cousin that was closest to me in age...we were a lot alike. Goofy, random, diverse, goody goody, and Jesus Freaks! I day dream about how life would be different if ET wouldn't have died. Would his brother not have ran away and gotten in all types of criminal trouble? Would his sister not have gotten hooked on drugs & overdosed/committed suicide? What would his kids look like? Would he like his new step-dad/brother? I know, the What ifs don't do any good, but for me, it helps keep his memory alive.

God is love!

2010-10-11T17:22:00.000-05:00

Just because a female is puking does NOT mean she is knocked up.

Since I blogged last, husband & I bought a travel trailer. I am so excited! We are going to a State Park for the weekend, this coming weekend. I grew up camping often & LOVED it. I haven't been camping in a good 5+ years now. I wanted a tent, Husband wanted a huge crazy trailer. We compromised with a 2004 27ft trailer.

I went on a retreat with 13 other ladies from my Church this past weekend. I didn't want to go, but two tickets came available at no cost & mom wanted to go. Mom couldn't go unless I did. We still had to pay for our food/gas/hotel but the conference itself was free. I enjoyed myself more then I can put into words. My Mom, myself, and Chelle's Mom shared a hotel room. (Made me miss her terribly again, plus her birthday is approaching in a few weeks). I did have to miss one speaker & the main concert that NewSong put on because of Mom's health, but that's okay. Two different ladies gave me huge compliments about how loving, patient, and caring I was with Mom. Its nice to get compliments, its nice to have others notice your good behavior/actions.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2010-09-18T21:42:00.000-05:00

I openly admit many things about myself. I have no problem seeing my faults but there is little that I care to do to change them...plus part of my "issues" I think are part of my anxiety/depression/bi-polar problems that no meds or counseling or doc has been able to help yet.

One of those issues is I am VERY EASILY annoyed by things/people.

Things that EASILY annoy me, in no special order...

* Lateness
* Things that work slow (like the guide on the TV)
* Rudeness
* Judgemental people
* Insulting others (goes hand in hand usually with rudeness & judging)
* Wasting time (see that part about lateness & being slow)
* Liars

All of those things have been getting in my way today. Not good!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cool thing happened last night. I got a new toy. I haven't seen it in person yet, I should tomorrow. It should be in my possession until next Sunday afternoon. We got a trailer! A camper. A travel trailer. Whatever you want to call it. Its used but new to us. 2004 27ft of camping goodness! I can't wait to use it!

Tomorrow is the start of VACATION! We aren't going anywhere that cool. Just to Traverse City for the week. Golfing, eating out, exploring, and relaxing! Quality time with husband is much needed!

And the best news of late...BEST NEWS I tell you. Do you know what BEST means? And no, it doesn't involve me & babies. My cousin who has been missing (runaway) since 2002 is FINALLY found & communicating with me (and some other family members). My cousin was the oldest of 3. His brother ET (my favorite cousin!!!) died in 1995. Tim went MIA in 2002, his sister Trin, my frisin, died in 2006. Well, now he's found! We have been emailing each other. He has talked to his mom on the phone twice. You have NO IDEA how sweet this is. I always had reason to believe he was alive but never knew for sure. A few weeks ago, I found something online that had him alive as recent as Feb 2010. The info I found this time, I shared with my favorite Aunt, Jo, and Dad. Dad shared it with jerkball Gpaw. Favorite Aunt shared it with Tim's mom (other Aunt). Well, now we are in contact. NEVER GIVE UP!

God is love!

2010-09-14T17:29:00.001-05:00

I often (so far, since I'm kid-less and NOT pregnant) keep my thoughts about such matters to myself (and a few select family/friends) but THIS

article just ERRRRRRRRRRRRR!

The headline is

C-Sections More Common at For-Profit Hospitals

DUH! IDIOTS!

That's all.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2010-09-13T00:14:00.001-05:00

http://www.cpt5.xmedx.com

2010-09-11T21:27:00.001-05:00

I wish they sold thicker skin at a store because I need some!

Between people just being mean and hurtful because they are jerks and stupid comments about me sucking as a person because I'm not pregnant yet, I'm at my wits end so often.

Don't have time to write more.

God is love.

2010-09-03T00:53:00.001-05:00

Grab a cup of coffee and a snack before you sit down to read this post...I can tell its going to be a long one.

TOY, my hilarious 12 year old nephew is in the hospital as I type. He was bitten by a brown recluse spider (or something very similar since they say we don't have those in Michigan). The bite is on his forearm and the infection or whatever its call is up to his armpit. The meds they have him on right now have made him unable to walk/stand. If things stay the way they are/improve, surgery won't be needed. We should know in the next 16 hours.

Today (kinda today...kinda Sept 5) is a sad sad sad day. My cousin/friend (the one who I made the frisin term for) would be celebrating her birthday today...instead we are facing the 4th anniversary of her death. (Some say she died today, some say 9/5 when my aunt found her body). Another reminder why drugs are BAD. Its never been made clear to me if (WHAT DRUG) she overdosed on and why some say it was a planned overdose/suicide. It breaks my heart to think the last time I saw her, she was in my bathroom doing crystal meth & we were fighting tooth & nail. I do find peace knowing our last telephone conversation (a few days before she died) was happy & positive. When I think about where my life was at, during this time...its amazingly strange how much has changed! Shell & J weren't married, I hadn't dated my friend (and that whole situation!), and I barely knew of my husband. My Grandma was GRAVELY ill when my cousin died. I remember when I first talked to a good friend of mine, she thought for sure, I was so upset cause Gma died. Gma was doing so bad she didn't even attend cousin's funeral. To see where my Gma is four years later...its amazing. 81 years old & doing good. Gma is my living proof that God heals & does miracles.

Today (not the date, but the fact that its Friday of Labor Day weekend) is a special day. It marks the anniversary of my & husband's first date. I can't believe how much my life has changed, I can't believe I am MARRIED. If you would have asked me 365 days ago if I thought I'd be married to my husband today, I would have laughed. I wouldn't have said I wouldn't be married...but NEVER would have imagined who I am married too. I'm so glad God is in control and knows what He is doing. His timing is amazing. God gave me exactly WHO I needed, and WHEN I needed it. I couldn't ask for more in my husband. We are going to golf with Church tonight then out to dinner at the place we first went. I'm excited.

I stopped seeing my counselor in mid July for various reasons, mainly because the doctor there refused to listen to me. My husband finally asked me about it today, I'm glad the air is clear on this subject. I think (I know!) I need counseling and meds...but the current situation wasn't working, so that's life for now.

Lately I've REALLY been struggling on where I fit on this planet. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with single people, I don't fit in with married people (since most have kids), I don't fit in with a lot of people because of my Christian views, I don't fit in with people because I'm uptight, unfriendly, and guarded. My husband doesn't get my feeling like I don't fit in and more then that, he doesn't get my need to have friends or whatever. My old friends live to far for me to do stuff with them these days. Husband sees people every day while working, he sees people/friends while golfing & bowling....I don't have that, and I need friends. Because I feel SO MUCH like I don't fit in anywhere these days, all I want to do is stay home. A friend of sorts wants me to do a girls night with her and her friends next friday. I do NOT want to go at all...I feel like she asked because my husband told her to. Seriously, I have ZERO friends I would call to hang out with EVER. ZERO. I have a VERY VERY VERY select few that I can text with problems or randomness. I am just walking around lost lately. I've got God & husband holding me up to keep me alive.

God is love.

2010-08-26T17:15:00.001-05:00

My husband owns his own business. He has for 20+ years now. Its obviously a successful business to 1) still be in business in this economy 2) allow me to be a housewife 3) allow us to travel often 4) allow us to live the lifestyle we do.

DO NOT misunderstand me, we are FAR FAR FAR from well off (which people tend to think we are. Again, trust me...we aren't!). My husband works VERY VERY hard and LOTS of hours. April-November, he often works 6AM-6PM plus weekends. (Again, lots of hours but it does give us freedom when we want to take off early and hit a baseball game or something)

Like I said, there are lots of advantages and for those, I am grateful. Right now, I'm upset, scared, angry, and frustrated. WHY must people mess with people? Why can't people live their live and others live theirs?! I, obviously, must be vague here...but really, I don't know very much. I know one of the government's "helpful" departments was called on him, his company. Chances are it will be nothing...but the stress & headache (and time & possible money) is stupid. ERRRRRRRRRRR.

(Side note...that I thought when typing above...I hope this doesn't mess up our trip next month, or new yet to be fully planned trip in April.)

Moving on...I am AFRAID of birds. Its not a joke, its a true FEAR of mine. I think its the fluttering motion that gets me. I've been afraid of birds as long as I can remember. Along with birds, big bugs/moths/butterflies...HATE THEM. I have joked a lot about living in the middle of no where, aka...farmville usa (which I called my town LONG before the popular facebook game). Since getting married and moving across town (and note, we are miles north of town!) I truly live on a farm. We don't operate the farm portion, but its our land that we lease to farmers. Well, life on the farm just about killed me last night. There is a door to go to our basement/outside. Went to open it last night & there was a FU*KING BAT! I was home alone. I slam the door SOOOOOOOO quickly but wasn't sure if he was trapped in the basement/landing part or if he got in. I dropped the laundry that was in my hands on the floor, scream for the dog & run out the doorwall. Call husband screaming & crying. Poor JadaTheDog and I had to sit outside for like an hour. (If it was reallllly cold, I could have went and sat in a barn/garage/truck...but it was about 65). Husband got home, found & killed the bat that was still in the basement area. I made him check every inch of our house for other bats before I would come back in. Panic attack is an understatement of how I reacted. Just talking about it today makes my heart race & gives me goosebumps.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2010-08-25T16:38:00.001-05:00

Why is it so hard for people to realize that not everyone wants plastic surgery to look better, to please others? I HATE HATE HATE my chest. My hate isn't about what others think in the slightest. I have looked into surgery a lot...I know the pros and cons. If money grew on trees, I'd have the surgery done YESTERDAY! I've been blessed (insert sarcasm here) with EXTREMELY saggy & uneven boobs. Maybe if they were just saggy or just uneven, I'd hate them less...but both is horrible. Shopping for clothes is horrible (don't even mention bras or swimsuits) and makes me avoid it like the plague. Getting dressed each day is horrible. I have to adjust my poorly fitted bra more times then I can count before I toss on a t-shirt. I wear a t-shirt more often then not because it covers up the parts of me I hate the most. Physically wearing a bra is uncomfortable (because no where I know of sells bras built for 2 different size cups!) yet, wearing nothing is uncomfortable sometimes because they sag and just rest against my large rib cage.

ERRRRRRRRRRRR!

God is love!

2010-08-19T01:48:00.001-05:00

Should be a long message...

I am a reality TV junkie...have been since I was in HS many moons ago. Real World has always been one of my favorite shows. This season Real World is in New Orleans (again). One of the girls this season (Jemmye or something like that) was previously in an abusive relationship. In the episode I just watched, she started really talking about the abuse & getting counseling. Really stirred up emotions that I thought were gone. 10+ years ago my abusive past still makes me scared, hurt, angry, and mad.

My Work & Witness trip to SC was exciting, exhausting, life changing, fun, and a million other emotions I could never put into words. We broke down on the way there, had to hang out in a random Church half of the day on Saturday (08/07/10) then had to stay in hotel rooms for the night, missed Church in SC on Sunday. Sunday night or maybe Monday morning the old super rude crabby lady that went on the trip yelled at me because my shorts were to short. Later in the week she threw a bag of noodles at another lady. Nice huh? I love this lady, but do not like her. The teens and all the other adults were GREAT. God did awesome work in myself and just about everyone involved.

Husband & I had a big fight last night. I hate fighting with him. And while I say fight, it wasn't really a fight...I didn't yell or cry at all. At some point, he got in his car & went for a drive because he was so upset. He's still mad at me, doesn't trust me, and is even mad at God. Him being mad at God is, BY FAR, the most upsetting part to me. Today he did admit to something I called him out on last night. I get blamed & not trusted for his cheating ex-wife and other crazy relationships he has been in. I feel like he isn't happy with the changes God has been making in me. I've basically given up my city friends (I'd be there for them in a HEART BEAT and vice versa, but hanging out is really only a planned in advanced special occasion). God has been working on me for 15+ years and is in full force lately. I was gone for 8 days with Church's work & witness trip...and now this week, helping with our Church's VBS...mainly because we are trying to start handing more stuff to the younger generations. My heart is working with teens. Our youth group is growing like crazy lately. Its very likely that we will have to split into a middle school/high school group soon. If so, I'm going to be leading one of them. Husband seems to be jealous of the teens from Church facebooking me, texting me, calling me, hanging out with me at Church. That hurts because I KNOW that's where God wants me. The fight from last night & the issues with the teens are to separate issues...just rambling. Husband has a difficult time that I am getting involved in Church things or something because he feels like he's not enough for me. I have no interaction with people throughout that day since I do this housewife gig...while he works by himself often, he sees people, customers, and yada. I am not a people person, I am guarded...but those I let close, I like to see/talk to. I know marriage isn't easy, I know marriage won't come without its trials...but I hate the tension. Husband loves me, I love him, and we both love Jesus, so I know this will pass...but it makes me sad & heart heavy. I do know I have prayed about it a lot today and so have some of my friends/family (without them having the slightest bit of details).

Little Boy P. I LOVE THAT BOY! During the trip to SC, I talked to a few about the situation. We talked & prayed about it a lot. Then one day, Husband & Little Boy P's family were in court. His Mother (for the third time with him...remember she alreayd lost her two daughters) has been given three more months to clean up her act. His grandmother still has temporary custody of him. (Note: I didn't know about the court thing while I was in SC & praying about what to do in this mess) This week, I have gotten the pleasure of spending quality time with Little Boy P. We are leaning towards fostering him if the opportunity really arises. His birthday is Friday & I won't get to see him...his party is Saturday & we won't be able to go to that. We were going to take him out for ice cream tomorrow night, but he's going to the fair...so we decided to go with him (and his Grandma, sisters, and cousins).

Its late, I can't sleep but I don't want to type more.

God is love!

2010-08-05T03:38:00.000-05:00

Its 4:30AM and I'm still awake. Not cool.

In two days (literally to the minute!) I'll be leaving on a Work & Witness trip with my Church. Very excited for what God has planned for us, but nervous about the unknowns and nervous to be away from Husband for so long. I'll be able to call/text/email him so that should help...but still. Outside of my box! Excited, anxious, and nervous.

After lots of talking & praying, and talking to others & having others pray. We have decided to not pursue the adoption of Little Boy P. There was talk of us fostering him for awhile & we do NOT want to go that route at all. This has been very sad & emotional for me. The door isn't completely shut on this, but until God opens it more...it is. Sad! :-( I want nothing but the best for him, and I know we could give him that.

My Mom said something earlier today about when Husband & I have our own family. That hurt. If its just husband and I forever, we are still a FAMILY. Having kids or not doesn't make you a family.

I want children NOW, doesn't matter biological or adopted...but I don't need everyone to remind me.

God is love.

2010-07-25T23:39:00.001-05:00

I hate feeling like the most lost, misunderstood, friendless person on this planet.

I have a hard time making friends, I can't joke with the ones I have anymore. Just angry and sad right now.

I need a break from life.

Sarcasm & joking are a big part of how I deal with life...part of my fake it til you make it gig. One of the few people that knows me well...can't joke or be sarcastic towards them any longer. That hurts me. Takes away from our friendship & trust. A LOT!

I leave for a trip (without any of my family!) in less then two weeks, for 8 days. Scared is an understatement. There are 13 people going, some I know decent, some I don't know at all.

Words hurt. Actions hurt. I know I'm not the only one hurting right now...but hurting SUCKS.

2010-07-24T19:33:00.001-05:00

WHY if you KNOW something you do makes your wife have panic attacks would you DO IT, time after time? Its not a hidden thing I have social phobias and my husband thinks by putting me in UNCOMFORTABLE positions I'm going to *snap* get over it. Now, there are some situations where I am okay, just need someone by my side or someone to push me...but there are some that make me UNCOMFORTABLE. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

2010-07-09T12:03:00.001-05:00

I know my blog is SO neglected these days...just the way of my new life.

So...I left myself a note a few weeks ago regarding pictures I need to order...no clue what the note meant. Love it!

Totally changing topics...

From the time I was about 8 until about 20, I ALWAYS said I didn't want to have children, but adopt them. I wanted to adopt slightly order kids for the simple facts that they are potty trained, can talk, and no one really wants to adopt older kids. I was soooooooooo set this is what I wanted. When I was engaged to ST, my mind changed that I would have my own children, but the idea of adopting wasn't that far from my mind. Over the years, the idea of having my own children (when I say having my own children, I mean that in the biological sense, because I know when you adopt a child, its YOUR child as well) became more and more the way I wanted to go.

Now, that I'm married, having children is a priority in our life. When we were dating we jokingly talked about adoption, but it was strictly joking. We have been working on getting me knocked up. (Charting & all that fun stuff) Well, fast forward to today...my husband calls me. The convo goes like this...

"I have an idea to run by you. Its only an idea, but think about it and pray about it & I will do the same" says husband.

"Okkkkkay, whats up?" (This statement abuot his is either about traveling, spending lots of money, or business adventures)

"What if we adopt Little Boy P?"

"Hmmmm..."

"You know his Gma can't really afford him & his Mom is washing her hands just like she did with the girls" Blah blah blah

There is this family (a very large extended family) that we know very well & are kind of like our family too. We hang out with them all the time. We love them all & they love us. The Grandma that I am referring to, has 2 children (one who is my husbands best friend, happily married with kids)...her one daughter is a TOTAL screw up to put it nicely. Daughter had two girls while married, then had a son about 6 years after her divorce. The girls were given up by both parents & adopted by their Grandma officially about a year ago (Grandma had been the caregiver totally for a couple years). Little Boy P had been living with his Mom, the Mom that didn't want to take care of her two daughters. Recently, Little Boy P ended up in the hospital for being beat by his Mom's boyfriend. His Mom has decided she doesn't want him at all, his Dad took him for three days and decided he doesn't want him either. Grandma has him right now, but its a temporary thing. She can't keep up with a 5 year old. She can't afford another grandchild to raise. Little Boy P is an adorable, sweet 5 year old that probably comes with some baggage...but he just needs to be loved & taken care of properly. Even being asked if we want Little Boy P is a huge honor. So much to think about, so much to pray about.

The crazy God part to me is, my husband has no idea that I ever wanted to adopt. I am really thinking this is something we need to look into a lot. Even if we don't get Little Boy P, I pray that someone that will love & care for him does.

God is love!

2010-06-11T21:52:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in a LONG time.

Let's see...I am now happily married! The transition from single life to married life is going well.

The mental health doctors are messing with my meds again, and I still don't think they are working. They don't want to try me on another meds...just raise the doses. ANNOYING! They are giving me nothing for anxiety or A.D.D.

Tomorrow is our open house reception at my parent's house. I am excited but semi-stressed. Weather might be bad. I am finding out the hard way who my real friends and family are through this wedding stuff. I can't believe we got 36 out of 99 responses back. About 5 people verbally said yes/no.

My step-son (who is away at college but lives here when not there) is home for the weekend. He just broke up with his GF of 2 years. My husband & I are taking it hard. The part that is bugging me right now is...he comes home & really breaks up with her (they broke up last week but it was over phone/texts) and leaves to go out with his friend & 3 single girls. I really liked his GF. She made me more comfortable around step-son.

God is love!

2010-05-05T23:06:00.001-05:00

WHY do people insist on speaking (or typing!) before thinking? I mean, this is my blog, a place for my thoughts and I still try to filter myself here. Why would you say something to someone you call a FRIEND that you know would hurt them or their spouse? People wonder why I get quiet and withdrawn.

I am struggling with a disconnected feeling again, some depression (probably cause my Farmville USA best friend DIED!), some anxiety...yet I am EXCITED about getting married, our wedding, and trip to FL. There have been lots of changes in my life lately and I've been dealing with them pretty well overall. I am surprised at the calmness I feel. The anxiety is so much less then I am used to for big events.

My (soon to be) step-son is the best. I am so glad with how well we are bonding and all the nice things he says about me. He is away for college & I wish he was with us more. He was home this past weekend and I charish that time we get with him. Its likely we will see him two weekends in June!

God is love.

2010-05-05T16:24:00.001-05:00

I hate how my mood can go from good to bad in a matter of seconds.

One week from today, I will be in warm, sunny FL!

God is love.

2010-04-27T11:40:00.000-05:00

CRAZY past few days...

Saturday, our wedding shower was SUPER.

Sunday, one of my best friends, Chelle (she lives in Farmville USA and goes to my Church) had a crazy thing happen and has a .5% chance of life right now. Chelle was at my shower, we were at a gathering after my shower too and she was FINE. That .5% chance of life doesn't even include the fact that she'll have to have a heart transplant.

I mention ST was getting married Saturday, well, his Grandfather passed away Saturday. I know nothing else.

My heart is just breaking in a million pieces.

God is love.

2010-04-21T17:45:00.001-05:00

Invitations hit the mail TODAY! I am so excited with how things are coming together.

I can't wait to get the first RSVP in the mail.

God is love.

2010-04-21T04:13:00.001-05:00

Okay...its nearly 5AM and I am awake. Problem #1.

This post is going to sound kinda bridezilla like, but I have to vent and this blog is one of the few places I can do that.

We are getting married in 23 days. Fiance still has nothing to wear. I'm just getting annoyed with him and his lack of desire to find something, his lack of regard for my opinion on what he should wear (and NOTE...when I had my dress narrowed down to three, I let him vote & ended up get his favorite). I have done so much stuff, just get an outfit already. We are talking like khaki's and a nice shirt. Not mission impossible. Ugh. I want to say wear whatever you want, blah blah blah...but if I don't push him, he won't get it done.

I understand that he is our breadwinner, he needs to work (and he works VERY hard!) This is his company's busiest time of year. Well, then WHY did YOU decide on May??!?! He jokes about it, and says stuff about flying down later/coming home earlier and stuff like that. Not funny.

The Shower is this Saturday. The women of our Church are hosting it. Its mainly Church people then a few of my closest friends & lovely family. WHY can't people RSVP? Why can't people RSVP to the people on the invite? I know its easier and more comfortable for people to RSVP to me, but ugh. Lesson learned, I won't be doing that to brides/moms-to-be regarding their showers in the future. This is how crazy my family is...my Aunt, (Great Aunt...Gpa's sister) instead of calling the woman from Church listed on the invitation, she calls my Gma, then Gpa calls my Dad. I know in the grand scheme of life and weddings, its not a big deal at all...just venting.

And, another thing about showers, I'm learning. Buy stuff on the peoples registry! Now, I know that sounds totally rude & ungrateful...trust me, that's NOT the case at all. It takes time to register and the people register for what they want/need. So far, from the looks of it...the great majority of people didn't buy stuff from our registry. I don't think I've ever went to a shower and bought something not on the registry, but from now on...I'll make SURE its on there!

Mom's health has been bad lately. I'm worried that she won't be able to go to the shower or if able to go, won't remember it...and having a shower was mainly for her, to make her happy. She wants me to do some traditional wedding stuff, and having a shower was one of them.

ST, my ex-fiance, who I remain semi-friendly with...and I have exchanged wedding related emails this week. Its been nice.

One shouldn't blog at 5AM because she sounds like a bit*h and probably has horrible spelling and grammar errors. Hope my readers will still love me in two days.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2010-04-19T02:41:00.001-05:00

I am getting married in 25 days! I am still calm and very excited. All the plans are going so smoothly. I am very happy with how wedding details are working themself out. With the financial resources we had, I couldn't be happier with how we are doing things. Our wedding shower is next weekend. Our Pastor's daughter (she is 17 & a junior in high school) is going to sing a song at the shower, it was Fiance's idea and since we won't be playing any games, I think it will be cool & different. She is a super talented singer. I started moving some stuff to Fiance's house thsi weekend. Its just one side of Farmville USA to another. I moved 98% of my scrapbooking stuff (and, let me tell you...its A LOT of stuff). I get my own room for scrapbooking! At least, until (if) we are blessed with children. My goal is to be all moved in by May 2.

Mom's health hasn't been good lately. She has had so many seizures lately. She hasn't had this many seizures since she went to Mayo Clinic a few years back. I know I sound selfish sayin this, but I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! Plus, I need/want my Mom healthy and in this world for my shower & the other events going on. Its important to me and her. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

For the first time in nearly 14 months, I am missing Jo. Its almost like the 14 horus I got to see her a few weeks ago did more harm then good. Of course, I miss her adore son Squishy like crazy too!

God is love!

2010-04-10T00:17:00.003-05:00

Up top, we have Mom & Squishy...

Then, very tired Aunt T & Squishy...

Then, Squishy showing off his fancy ball glove his Papa got him.

2010-04-09T23:53:00.002-05:00

So much of this is going to sound like a repeat, but sadly it's not.

UGH! At what point of having a cold do you throw in the towel and go to the doctor? I was feeling like crap then okay for a few days (never great, just okay) and now, since Wednesday, I am SICK again. My stomach muscles hurt so bad that I can barely walk, from coughing so much. I literally have went through 4 boxes of kleenex in 4 days. Besides drinking tons of Vernors, I don't think I've hit 500 calories of real food lately. I am not sleeping more then an hour here and an hour there. I am so yucky, tired, bored, sad, stressed.

HELLO, I am getting married in like 35 days, I do NOT have time for this. Getting married AND moving. NO TIME FOR THIS ILLNESS!

I did get to see my cute new nephew, Squishy, for a total of 14 hours while I was feeling okay. Dad and I drove 800 miles straight, ate dinner, visited, slept a tad (Dad slept way more), drove 500 miles, stayed at a hotel for a short night, drove the rest of the 300 miles home. 54 hours, 28 hours in the car. A TINY car, 3 adults on the way home. Fun stuff. BUT, I did get to see Squishy!

I'll make another post of some pics from the quick trip.

Somewhere during this sickness, I picked up my fitted wedding dress. YAY! But not so yay, its not as comfortable as it used to be (they added this nasty hard stuff to the top of the dress, to make it stay up better since its strapless and I'm boob challenged), plus the bustle is so complicated for it to be such a simple sweep train. Chances are, I won't bustle it at all, or if I do...it will be just that...I will do it. Take dress off, bustle, and put back on. I just don't like the dress as much as I did to start with (probably the lack of comfort issue since I'm a jeans and tshirt type) and that makes me sad. Oh well. It will all work itself out. Others are trying their best it seems to make me go all crazy bride. My answer to most wedding things are "I don't care." "Whatever works for you" or something like that. I am excited for the wedding, but so much more excited about the marriage and our life together. A wedding is a day, a marriage is forever.

At the end of 7th grade, I broke my right ankle. Bad. That would have been June of 1992. Those that say when its healed, its healed can bite me right now.

God is love.

2010-03-28T11:33:00.001-05:00

At what point do you let a cold/sinus infection type mess send you to the doctor? We are going on a full week here & I still feel just as bad as I did last Sunday. I've rested more then I thought possible, I've taken every over the counter med possible, I've hydrated myself as much as possible. I am getting sad & frustrated about being sick.

Yesterday was our Church's 2nd annual Wild Game Dinner. Turn out was great, food was GREAT. My Dad was in charge of getting the food and deciding who would cook what. Hats off to my Dad! He did have one of the ladies in the Church help him (cause she's usually in charge of dinner type things so she has the experience). Dad was nervous, stressed, and excited about the event. Its the first real leadership roll he has taken on at this Church. I am SO glad, for him, and our Church that the event went well.

I am especially glad it went well for my Dad, he needed the boost this week. He applied for a job (within his company) that he thought he was a shoe-in for. He didn't get the job and was extremely upset, and doubting himself in everything.

I think I mentioned here, that I'm most likely going to NC next weekend to meet my new nephew. Well, could be a few days earlier. I have to get a dress fitting appt and a doctor appt rescheduled and we will be leaving on Wednesday, so we will still be home for Easter. I am just SO excited to meet Squishy.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

2010-03-24T23:01:00.001-05:00

I'm sick. Sore burning throat, can't swallow, ears hurt, nose is stuffy and runny, eyes are watery, very weak, very tired and I'm sick to my stomach. I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days, but right now it sucks. I missed out on a mini-vacation due to this illness. Ugh. Double UGH!
My fiance is currently out of the country (Yes, CANADA is a different country) on previously mentioned mini-vacation, but its work related. It sucks. I am home sick. He can't even text/call me. I don't like knowing I can't talk to him.
ST, yes ST of years gone by, ST my ex-fiance, is getting married (I think I mentioned that awhile ago) I find is cool, yet odd that he is getting married the day of my wedding shower (and I'll be married 2 weeks and 6 days later).
There is a very good chance I will get to see my new nephew, Squishy, in a week and a half. At first, it was going to be hopefully August when I met him, then that changed to hopefully May (there is still a chance he along with his parents will make it to my wedding) but as of yesterday it turned into hopefully next Friday! It will be a VERY short visit, but a visit none the less.
I met the new neighbors today. They seem really cool. It sucks that I'm moving soon, just when we get cool young neighbors. (Don't freak, just moving to Fiance's a week or so before the wedding, my parents are staying put)

God is love.

2010-03-20T08:27:00.000-05:00

I am getting married in less than 8 weeks! I am excited to start the next chapter in my life. I got to meet my fiance's step-mom yesterday (his only living parent). I was so nervous, but it went well. Everything wedding is coming together. I remember getting frustrated with Roomie over her place cards for her reception. Well, I am starting to drive myself nuts about invitations for our backyard open house reception. Invites are just so stupidly expensive and I don't have a good enough printer to do my own.

My new nephew Squishy is so darn cute. Its driving me crazy to not be near him. Mom is down there and between Mom & Jo, I get a cell phone picture daily. I just want to cuddle with my Squishy!

God is love!

overtired

2010-03-15T15:21:00.002-05:00

Obviously I am overtired lately...I posted basically the same thing twice about my new Squishy nephew. I had no recall of posting one last night. LOL. Overtired with lots on my mind.

God is love.

Squishy Baby

2010-03-15T14:59:00.003-05:00

Happier news to report...

I am an Aunt x4 now. Jo gave birth a tad early to baby on March 13. He will be known as Squishy. He was 19 1/4 inches long, and weighed 5lbs 14oz. Jo is doing great. Squishy has a few issues, but nothing major. Jo went home this morning, Squishy will be there for a few more days.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2010-03-15T14:57:00.000-05:00

I love relationship fights when you think things are roses. Ugh. This to shall pass. I'll post something more exciting in a little bit.

God is love.

Squishy Nephew

2010-03-14T23:16:00.002-05:00

I'm an Aunt...have been for nearly 15 years.

WELL...I am now an Aunt for the fourth time!

My little sister Jo, gave birth Saturday at 2:37pm. Pretty quick labor for her first one. She got to the hospital at 8am. Jo did great and is doing well. Her blood pressure is still high, so they are concerned but not overly. She is tired and needs real sleep!

Squishy (the baby...thats my nickname for him) came a few weeks early, as a surprise and a blessing at the same time. He weighed 5lbs 14oz and is 19 1/4 inches long. He is doing well just can't maintain his tempature.

My Parents found out at about 8:30am that Jo was really in labor and baby would be born shortly....so they hit the road about noon. Got down there (North Carolina) about 2pm.

I don't know when I will get to see Squishy but I pray its soon!

God is love!

2010-02-26T22:50:00.001-05:00

To be 30 years old and still have all four of my Grandparents living, I know I am blessed. Really.

Gma that I talk the most often about on here, is Mom's mom. She is 81 years old. Gma was literally HOURS away from death back in Fall of 2006, so the past few years with her, haven't been taken for granted at all. She is one of the sweetest ladies in the world and would do anything for anyone if she could. She has been through so much in her life, her strength amazes me.

Gpaw, that would be Mom's dad. He's in his late 70's. I don't have anything that nice to say about him. I have often said "My life will be better when he's dead." I know that's not true now, but there has been so much pain caused by him, to me, to my Mom, to her siblings, to my Gma. Where I do not like the man, I am still blessed to know him & the history and stories he has.

Gma & Gpa...Dad's parents. Gma is 75 and Gpa is a few years older. They are the best! They are two of my favorite people in the world. Gma is my favorite cook. Gpa is a great golfer. They are still very active for their ages. I enjoy every second I spend with them. They were hugely instrumental in my upbringing.

My Gma & Gpa have called a few times this week, trying to figure out when they can come visit before Dad's birthday (March 16), they are making a big deal out of it. Well, we finally got to the bottom of it. Gma's eyes are going bad so she can't drive anymore. She feels like Gpa is slowing down. She is afraid they are dying. (Hello, we are all slowly dying) Having figured this out, makes sense but it makes me sad.

Remember life is short, life is precious.

God is love.

2010-02-24T22:55:00.001-05:00

I got a lot accomplished today and I'm proud of myself. I have had to step outside of my box and face some things this week head on. My anxiety was in full force today as I had to call and talk to the wedding planner today. I talked to them, got all of my questions answered (except the one I forgot to ask, a hair/makeup recommendation), put the deposit down, picked out my flowers. YAY! May 14, 2010. I really like the people we are dealing with, very personable. I also got our registries as complete as they will be. I am so excited this is all coming together. I also emailed my Aunts to let them know what's going on, in case they want to come to the actual wedding. I can't wait to become Mrs C. Tomorrow, Mom and I are going to work on shower invites. Fun stuff.

God is love.

2010-02-23T23:07:00.003-05:00

Wedding-Countdowns

That countdown is now correct. Things have really started falling into place. We will be getting married in Key West, FL. The trip (airfare & hotel) is booked and paid for. My dress is bought and hanging in our craft room. The wedding planner (which includes many things...namely wedding location, officiant, flowers, and photographer) have been contacted and will be booked hopefully tomorrow. There is a small chance we will have an open house/bbq backyard type reception in early June but that is still TBD. There is a chance Shell & J, Roomie & her hubby might make the trip to Key West. My loving fiance is (without me really knowing) trying to figure out ways to get my parents and Jo there. I texted with Jo today and she told me that my fiance offered to pay for their gas. Jo will have a roughly one month old baby...I don't see her making the 15+ hour drive, but we shall see. The super women of my Church are going to host a wedding shower for us. I don't see the need for one, but the women are excited to host it and having a shower means a lot to my Mom.

God is love!

2010-02-12T10:06:00.001-05:00

A few things...

My mental health is still an ever present issues. I have been getting help for about a month now and I want instant results and that's not how this mess works.

Next week, Tuesday I am hanging out with Shell & baby girl (and possibly more of our friends). I haven't seen her since before Christmas & am strangely nervous about it. I shouldn't be nervous about it, but I am. See the above statement about mental health issues.

Next week, Wednesday I am doing lunch with Roomie (and possible a few more friends). I am nervous about seeing her too, but not as nervous (which is odd because we have a shorter history then my other friends). Then, later in the day, Jess (a girl I used to work with, who in the past 2.5 years has became one of my BFFs!) and I are going to dinner and then dress for wedding shopping. I say dress for wedding shopping because I highly doubt I'll buy a "wedding dress".

Speaking of wedding...for a few reasons, the countdown I posted isn't right. We think we are going to move the date back about 2 weeks. Nothing is set in stone at all but we have a plan. A plan that will make us happy and most others not happy. I told his son last weekend and his son was disappointed and that made me sad. I wasn't expecting that reaction at all! Details to come soon.

My lovely little sister Jo is currently 31 weeks and 4 days knocked up. For starters, I pray for her daily. Every day she keeps that baby baking right now is a blessing. She's had a rough few weeks but things are improving, I guess. BUT...If I EVER complain while knocked up half as much as she has just SHOOT ME!

My love and I might go sledding tonight Then we have a conference tonight and tomorrow at Church. Its for married couples but our Pastor invited us too.

God is love.

2010-01-27T23:34:00.002-05:00

Wedding-Countdowns

At least, we think that's when.

2010-01-25T13:51:00.000-05:00

I have so much frustration and anger built up right now and it all stems with my Mom and a little with my sisters and a tad with my Dad. Since my one sister reads here from time to time, I won't say much more then that for right now.

I am 99% sure I just want to elope, basically, for a wedding. I have ZERO support from anyone so I just don't care anymore.

God is love.

2010-01-05T14:09:00.001-05:00

My mental health is BAD. Bad enough that I am trying to get help. Wish me luck.

2010-01-04T03:26:00.002-05:00

I know in my last post I mentioned I was having a rough bipolar roller coaster ride lately. Well, lets see...I slept maybe 2am-7am yesterday. And its now almost 3:30am and I'm still awake. I have tried EVERYTHING. It sucks. PWF doesn't get it at all, he says he does, but he doesn't and it just pisses me off more. I do have to say though, he is loving unconditionally.

Year in review...coming soon. I want to be in a little bit of a better place to write it.

God is love.

2010-01-03T08:16:00.003-05:00

WOW...nearly two months since I blogged. I'll try to not let that happen again, but no promises. I know all our lives will go on whether I blog or not.

So, today is Jan 3, 2010. Amazing. Today marks the 11th anniversary of my first date with ST...and the 7th anniversary of the wedding that didn't happen. ST and I haven't been in the best contact as of late and that's okay. Life happens. From the bottom of my heart, he is one of the best people I know. He saved me time and time again. He taught me what LOVE was, what it was like to be IN LOVE with someone that was IN LOVE with you. Don't get me wrong, our relationship had plenty of issues (hello...see the part about the wedding that didn't happen) but I do have to say, it was some of the best time of my life and I wouldn't change any of it for anything!

I'm hoping to do a 2009 year in review post soon...this week.

Dreading Church this morning. I am in a bipolar mood swing horribly. I'm not sleeping or eating well. All of my triggers are happening at once. I am doing the best I can to just hang on right now.

God is love.

2009-11-20T01:18:00.002-05:00

I want to keep updating here, but my days of doing that will be numbered. I don't want PWBF to read here, not now...probably not ever. No real reason...just don't want him to.

My 30th birthday has came and went...and all things considered, it was one of the best birthdays to date. I got FRONT ROW Red Wings tickets from my super boyfriend, along with a nice dinner at Greektown. Night would have been better if PWBF wasn't still in great pain from triple hernia surgery he had a week and a half earlier.

And with all that...PWBF (Pray Warrior Boyfriend) isn't my BF any more. Sounds sad huh? NOPE!!!!!!!! He's my fiance! He got down on bended knee about 5 minutes after we got home from the Red Wings game. He waited til we got home so our engagement anniversary wasn't on my birthday.

God is love!

2009-10-24T20:55:00.003-05:00

I suck at updating this lately. Just don't feel like it.

I'll show you a picture...okay, maybe not. Won't give me the upload box. ERRRR.

I am sitting home on a Saturday night...watching Michigan State vs Iowa football game AND Red Wings vs Avalanche hockey game. It would only be better if my pray warrior boyfriend was cuddling with me. PWBF is out of state, visiting his son for the weekend.

Wait...maybe it will let me add the picture. I'm sure this will format for crap...

That photo was taken the end of September. That's my PWBF & me, enjoying a super nice Autumn day at the cider mill.

That's all folks.

God is love.

2009-10-09T17:56:00.004-05:00

So much going on like always...

For starters JJ's husband and JJ have been having physical altercations in which the police have been involved. Now, I do NOT think its ok for a man to ever hit a woman, I do know my sister to know she is NOT innocent. Of course, she's choosing to stay with him. I have mentioned before that she works about 60+ hours a week, he doesn't, and Jax goes to a babysitter most days. I just want to rescue Jax from this mess.

Mom and Dad are going to visit Jo and her Baby's Daddy tomorrow. Have I mentioned that Baby's Daddy is legally married? Anyways. I've said in the past that I like Baby's Daddy, just don't like him regarding my sister. Well, that's changed. My parents have this idea that he's the sweetest thing ever. Yeah. My feelings are so hurt tonight that I just can't focus. On the phone with Jo earlier (note: I spend MAYBE 10 minutes a week on the phone with her), and he's in the background mumbling. I ask Jo what he said and she says "he said...get the di*k out of your mouth." NICE. Then a few minutes later he was going on about my BF being older and not being able to look at him. SERIOUSLY. Done.

So now, both of my siblings significant others are dead to me.

God is love.

2009-10-06T14:01:00.004-05:00

Many things have changed since I last blogged...for starters, the 2 lives I was kinda living, I put a quick end to that. I had my reasons, and I stand behind them, but its over now and everything is now free and clear, in the open to everyone. YAY!

Life with my pray warrior boyfriend is great. Sometimes to great. When you have been disappointed and let down so many times in life, by so many people, you always are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I currently have a cold/sinus infection kicking my butt...which leads to way to much thinking time. Today I realized I turn 30 in about a month. I had been okay with that for a long while...then I started thinking about how turning 25 was hell. About how ST broke up with me and my life got turned upside down about a month before my birthday.

I've got a lot of jealousy issues going on in my head right now. Between not having (or ever getting) some of the things my friends have, to how my parents are treating my little sister right now, jealousy steam is just brewing and brewing and going to shoot out my ears soon.

God is love.

2009-09-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am computer-less at the moment. I am using Dad's dinosaur, virus infested POS at the moment. Ugh. I ordered the part I need for my laptop, it shipped yesterday, going priority mail...and only 2 states away. PRAYING for it to arrive Monday. Dad is already PISSED at me for "messing up his icons." LMAO.

Tomorrow, I am going to the Lions vs Vikings game. Excited to see Ford Field! Could care less about the Lions. I'm also nervous about running into a friend. I have my reasons, but I am kinda living two lives at the moment. As soon as I have time to sit down and talk to one person, I won't be...but that time hasn't come and the issues at hand, this person needs to hear from ME, face to face...and NO ONE else. Ugh. Of course, when I have time, this person doesn't. Oh well, I can only control so much.

God is love.

2009-09-12T23:49:00.001-05:00

For the first time in my LIFE, I am dating someone that prays for us and prays for me and prays with me. AMAZING.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

2009-09-09T08:47:00.002-05:00

WTF! I haven't bothered blogging lately since I couldn't sign in and was going to have to post via email...but just for the hell of it, I tried today and it let me sign in. What gives?!

So, last time I wrote, I should have been having the time of my life and wasn't! I went on vacation to visit an old friend that I hadn't seen in 2 years. It was HELL! Less then 24 hours after I got there, I kicked the friend out of my hotel room, tried to leave early but that wasn't possible so I rented a car and made the best of it. I went and did all kinds of things by myself. I did the best I could to make it a decent trip. Where parts of the trip (the first 24 hours) stirred up things from my past that I NEVER wanted to deal with again, I was forced to step outside of my box SOOOO much and do things I never thought I was capable of.

Since then, lots has been going on.

I had a HUGE fight with my dead friend J. Where I do not think I was wrong, after talking with my Dad (and remember I am the worlds biggest daddy's girl!), Dad said sometimes its just better to be the bigger person and apologize for fighting and try to move past it. Well, I did just that last night after thinking and praying about it. WELL, it backfired and J was a jerkball. So, now I have no idea where that leaves us, and I feel bad like his wife is almost in the middle.

My non-existent dating life has became existent. :-) And where I am happy with what's going on, I am a people pleaser to a fault...and I KNOW the great majority of people are going to have issues with it, so I've got a lot to think about. Fireproof with Kirk Cameron is one of my favorite movies. There is a line in the movie, "Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it." That's the line that's going to carry me through this mess.

My parents went up to my Gpaw's house for Labor Day weekend. Not once, but TWICE my Dad got attacked by Gpaw's cat. I laughed when I heard about it, until I saw my Dad. I was expecting a few scratches, but when they said attacked, that's what they meant!!!! Dad went to the doctor yesterday, and now has meds to take and knows what to look for if something goes bad. His right leg and hand look like he went through a blender.

God is love.

2009-08-22T08:45:00.001-05:00

I should be having the time of my LIFE and I'm NOT!

Test

2009-08-20T00:52:00.000-05:00

So, nearly 5 years after I started my blog, I can no longer log into the account the way I always have. I tried to reset things and nothing. I don't have time to really address the issue. Hopefully this works.

God is love.

2009-08-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

I usually try to not give away to many details of my life here on my blog...but I'm MUCH TO PROUD to not share this with you...

My nephew JM is a hero!

That link should take you to the Fox 2 Detroit's thing they did tonight. Its not 100% accurate like most things in the media, but its close.

God is love.

2009-08-07T23:50:00.001-05:00

MySpace Countdown Clocks

2009-08-06T22:20:00.002-05:00

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

CJ, the love of my life, that I have NO IDEA how to get over, just IMed me on facebook.

Whats really strange is I almost always have my IM there turned off. I don't know how it even got turned on.

I want to yell a him and tell him that every once of me wants to hate him, but I love him. Damn him. Its so strange and strained.

Freaking out. Majorly.

God is love.

2009-08-05T22:48:00.002-05:00

LOTS going on here. Some of which I'm not comfortable talking about here yet...with time.

Yesterday was a HORRIBLE day, like I knew it was going to be, then it got worse...THEN it got much worse (which is the stuff I won't talk about right now).

I'm doing better today, but not well. I went to Church tonight (for a few different reasons) and then out with a friend for ice cream and to vent about the issue at hand. We ended up hanging out there and talking for like 2 hours. I'm slightly concerned I told her to much regarding other issues (like Red!). Red and I are very protective over what others know about our nothingness.

I went to Church tonight because I thought it was a service about missions, which I like...it wasn't but that's okay. I went to Church tonight because when I'm in a depression phase, Church is one of the best places I can be. I went to Church tonight because I needed to talk to my friend, I have hardly anyone in this town I can talk to. (I actually think its the first time I've called upon any of my farmville friends to be true friends) I went to Church tonight because I didn't want to hang out with this guy from softball.

This guy from softball...he's interested in me. I'm not that interested in him. I'm to nice. I don't have a reason to blow him off so I can't...but ugh. I'll have to see him tomorrow. Hopefully I can think of something.

I get to see Red the next two days. YAY! Did I mention yet, that Red bought a motorcycle today? Motorcycles scare me.

I need to find a boy. A real boy toy.

I was thinking about it earlier today, I kinda have it good. I have two non-boyfriends yet am free to do what I want when I want...but really, that's not what I want. I want Red and I to get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. Maybe. Maybe that's what I want. I think that's what I want, but God only knows right now.

God is love.

2009-08-03T21:50:00.003-05:00

I wish my Dad had a clue how much he hurts me sometimes. He reminds me on a daily basis (usually multiple times a day!) that I am single and that his goal in life is to marry me off. I do a decent job laughing it off on the surface but it just cuts.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2009-08-02T21:37:00.003-05:00

I got a tattoo yesterday. Basically out of no where. I've wanted one for a long time and put tons of thought and research into tattoos but yesterday while driving to go to dinner with my BFF Jessa, I was like "I am getting a tattoo NOW." And that was that. I love it!

There were many things that after I decided I wanted it, just fell into place to make it happen and almost justify it to myself.

I know the next few days are going to be rough on me emotionally so I'm doing my best to prepare. I wish people understood or respected my issues more. Whatever. I can't tell people how to feel.

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. Tuesday is the 2nd anniversary of our break up. Ugh. Did I mention he's very anti-tattoo? Hehehe. (Trust me, that has nothing to do with why I got it!)

I haven't talked about Red here in ages. He's dreamy. Very dreamy. The more time I spend with him the more I just adore him. I just wish we'd get on the same page. Well, actually, I am pretty darn sure we are the closest to the same page as ever before but he just can't admit it to me. LOL.

I'm talking to this other guy, but I'm not that interested. I like the attention and I've always said (since I dated ST 10+ years ago) "one date won't kill me." I just don't want to mess up the nothingness with Red by talking to this other guy. Ugh.

I just want to get married and have a happy family. Is that to much to ask for?

Church today was about marriage (and relationships with anyone really, be it friends, family, spouse, co-worker). It was a great message. Red and I weren't near each other, and are trying to keep the nothingness out of Church (because amazingly our Church talks like crazy. I'd call it gossip, but its not meant to be mean, just its annoying) but we kept looking at each other the entire time. It just hit home a lot. I so much want things to work, but I'm wearing thin in this nothingness.

Going to bed soon, praying Pat's prayer.

God is love.

2009-08-01T12:30:00.002-05:00

The crashing and burning I was expecting didn't really show up (yet, its always right around the corner). I've been busy busy busy. I haven't felt like blogging when I sit down at the computer. Just nothing really to say.

I don't think I ever blogged about my HORRIBLE lunch with my long lost BFF SML. It was a diaster. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I'm the closest to being over that friendship as I will ever be. It was one thing for the friendship to disolve but its now another when you say all kinds of horrible things about/to me and my friends.

3 days from now marks the 2nd anniversary of the breakup between my friend and I. A day that changed my life forever, in more ways then I ever thought possible. Maybe I'll get more into that in the next few days.

Off to hang out with my BFF Jessa soon. Haven't hung out with her since November when she was in the hospital and I visited her. Jessa and I have such a strange friendship and I love it! We were work buddies but 2 years ago we both got dumped out of no where in what we thought were great forever relationships, and a best friendship bloomed. We have very little in common, but it works.

God is love.

2009-07-21T15:31:00.001-05:00

I just want to cry. No real reason...just cry.

2009-07-21T09:42:00.002-05:00

Roomie's wedding went great. 2 minor issues but she stayed calm and all was good at the end of the day.

I feel myself crashing and burning right now. Can't put my finger on it...just do. I got home at about 9:30pm yesterday and will be leaving this evening and won't sleep in this bed again until next Tuesday night. I will be here for a few hours on Friday.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-16T00:07:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day (and now I owe ya'll 8 more)

Taken: April 2009
That's my adorable 11 year old nephew, TOY. We are chilling in between his older brother's wrestling matches. TOY is JM's biggest fan and support at all his sports. TOY doesn't wrestle any more, he likes basketball better.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-16T00:05:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (I owe ya'll 9 but this one counts as Thursdays)

Taken: May 2009
That's one of the signs on the side of Bronner's. Mom & I headed to Frankenmuth to celebrate Mother's Day. Lunch was good but it sucked that Mom's health wouldn't let us do much of Bronner's.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2009-07-16T00:00:00.002-05:00

I am now 9 behind on the picture of the days and that number is going to grow by leaps and bounds in the next week or two. I'm going to do my best (HA!) to catch up before I'm gone again.

I left my house Saturday afternoon and just got back home a few hours ago. I'm leaving my house Friday morning, will be home Sunday night (in theory), gone again on Tuesday until at least the following Tuesday.

Roomie's wedding is THIS Saturday! Time flies! I am so happy for them. I hope Saturday goes well. Then I'll be house/cat-sitting for them while they hang out in St Lucia. In there, I've got softball league, golf league and softball tourney.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-11T09:19:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...(5 behind)

Taken: March 23, 2008

That's Gpa and Dad (with Jo in the background). This was taken Easter 2008 which was also my Gpa's 77th birthday. Its a goofy picture because I'm sitting on the floor so the angle is goofy, plus ALL that sunlight coming in. The windows you can see are about 1/4 the windows on the back side of my cool grandparents house.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-09T20:28:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...(I owe ya'll 4)

Taken: August 2007

That's the "World's largest firetruck" or something like that. This picture was taken at the Woodward Dream Cruise which is one of the largest car events in the world. This firetruck was sitting outside of the Royal Oak Fire Station, where my cousin works. Good times.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-07T22:52:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (yes, I'm 3 behind)

Taken: Sept 2008

That's Jax. I spent at least one day a week babysitting him most of last year (once my health was okay after I lost my job) and we usually ended up at the park.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

2009-07-07T22:41:00.002-05:00

I know I am 3 days behind on the POTD (again)...but I'm busy and haven't been home a ton.

Friday at the drag strip, Dad & I had a great time. I was annoyed that Dad was to tired to stay until it was over, but I understand.

Saturday, I went to visit JJ & family in the early afternoon, then it was onto Baby Girl's FIRST birthday party. Had a GREAT time there.

Sunday, my friend and I just chilled. Monday, I did a ton of running around, getting very little accomplished.

Today was laundry & softball.

Tomorrow is shopping with Shell and Church...Thursday is softball, Friday is blah blah blah...BUSY.

Have I mentioned Red on here lately? :-) Not much time for Red which is kinda crappy but at least we see each other at softball, golf, and Church.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-03T01:13:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: 01/25/08

That's Me, Shell, and Butt. This photo was taken at Butt's youngest brother's wedding. Shell is about 16 weeks knocked up with Baby Girl in this photo. Shell, Butt, and I have known each other since middle school, been good friends LOTS of years now.

God is love.

2009-07-03T01:09:00.002-05:00

I will be posting today's POTD shortly, because I have no idea what today holds...and same with the next few days.

In theory, I'm leaving at noon today to go with my Dad to the drag strip for the day...then get home about midnight, and back out the door in the AM to celebrate birthdays galore and who knows about Sunday.

I've had a lingering headache since about 11am, while at the gym...and NOTHING is budging it. Ugh.

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-02T20:48:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: May 2009

That's TOY and JM wrestling around on the trampoline while Jax crawls around...and they did a good job of not messing with Jax. TOY and JM wrestle for real...none of that play nice gig. It was Jax first time on a trampoline. He was so cute. He crawled all over and laughed and laugh!

God is love.

POTD

2009-07-01T23:00:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (and I'm caught up again)

Taken: March 2008

This cool car was photographed at Detroit's Autorama 2008. Bow tie pride.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

POTD

2009-07-01T22:54:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: Summer 2007

That's Mom, Dad, and Jo standing outside of Cool Grandparents house. Dad was leaving to go golfing with his bowling league. Yes, you read that right. After they golfed, it was cool cause a bunch of family came by for dinner. Yes, Dad's family bowls, golfs, and hangs out together on a regular basis. (Cousin that I've been spending so much time with lately is part of this family)

God is love.

2009-07-01T10:22:00.003-05:00

Blogger is pissing me off!

I tried to post a few times lately...but it wasn't working.

So, I just posted via email, which I haven't done in ages, and that didn't show up either.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

God is love.

**Update...I guess it did work via email, it just took longer then I thought it should**

2009-07-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

Blogger isn't working to well right now, I'm posting this via email.

I know I skipped the POTD yesterday, I was busy and then when I had time Blogger wasn't working for me.

I'm emotional lately, not to depressed...just emotional.

Some financial things are working out amazingly. Now if a job could just follow suit that would be great.

I hung out with my cousin yesterday. He's technically like my 29th cousin or something. ;-) (So really, he's my first cousin once removed or commonly called my 2nd cousin) He's 21 and lives pretty close (compared to most of my friends). We've gotten really close the past 6 months. I enjoy every second I spend with him, I can be myself, I can tell him anything, and he gets it! He's transferring from a community college to an away University in a few weeks. Instead of being 20 minutes away, he'll be about 1.5 hours away (in 100% OPPOSITE direction of all my friends). I'm going to miss him. It sucks that we get close and he's leaving. He was looking at a university many states away, so I'm glad he'll be closer then that. Last night, I went to his concert/picnic. He sings in a barbershop choir and/or quartet. It was great! There were groups from all over Michigan there and it was kind of sad that 99% of the men were over 50 (probably 99% over 65). Barbershop music is dying and that's sad. Now, I couldn't listen to Barbershop music all day every day, its just cool. This cousin is truly the first family member (other then Jo, but that's over now) that I can gladly say is my cousin and friend! :-) That makes me so happy I could cry.

My Mom has been on my case lately about not liking my family. Whatever. I love them but they aren't the type of people I would choose to hang out with. Call me a prude, whatever. I don't hang out with people 1) that do drugs 2) that I don't trust 3) that I have nothing in common with.

God is love.

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POTD

2009-06-29T11:23:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (YAY for being all caught up!)

Taken: August 2008

That's my nephew JM, taking a swig of water between plays. It was his first game of the year and his team won. Did I mention it was HOT? Like 90+ degrees.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

POTD

2009-06-29T11:20:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (ya ya ya, I'm still one behind)

Taken: July 2008

That's my with Jo in the background. This was taken at the Tigers game, after I played in a softball tournament all day. I was exhausted to say the least and there was a bi*ch sitting right behind me. Fun times.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-28T13:26:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: March 2008
That's my cool Gpa. His 77th birthday fell on Easter, which worked out very well, so my parents, Jo, ad I got to be there for it. To be 78 (now) he's in great shape and health. He's one of the best people on the planet, smart, and funny too! The cake he has in this photo Gma made & I decorated it.

God is love.

2009-06-27T21:36:00.002-05:00

I don't feel well. I don't feel super sick, but just not well. Its not my GI issues, (which were a slight problem Friday and early Saturday, but have been resulted.) I have a lingering headache, my stomach feels bloated or something, and just generally, I feel yucky...like I got ran over by a train. Could be because I've been on the run non-stop for a few days, which I am NOT used to or could be because I've been in the sun more then I'm used to or could be because I haven't ate/drank well lately, or could be I'm just ill. ;-)

I had a few other things to blog about, but I don't know what it was.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-27T19:20:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day...(still owe one more)

Taken: June 25, 2009

I actually just loaded this picture onto my digital frame today. This was taken Thursday after we were let out of Home Depot when the tornado warning was over. Notice the countless plants/trees knocked down. Scary times. BTW...Home Depot on a back up generator is a scary place to be.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

2009-06-27T15:16:00.002-05:00

Since early May, I've been doing very good at not biting my nails at all...until lately. :-( I know I can do it now, so...I just have to get back on track.

I've been gone (and BUSY) since Wednesday morning. Wednesday, I met Steph at the bridal shop and picked up my dress for Roomie's wedding. My dress fit great, almost loose. I'll take it. :-) Steph's dress they are having to let the top out some. I wish I had that rack-tastic problem. Then I went to lunch with Shell & baby girl, then to her in-laws (my friend's parents), then to the Detroit Fireworks, HAD a great time and an awesome show. Thursday, my friend and I went shopping for random strange stuff (none of which we bought), got stuck inside of Home Depot as a huge nasty storm (possible tornado) whipped thru out of NO WHERE. Damage was crazy all over. Friday, I went with Shell to get Baby Girl's one year pictures done. FUN. Baby Girl doesn't take a bad picture. Then Shell and I went to Mt Clemens fireworks. It was nice because we got to sit in a family only area since J is a boat cop (that's not his technical title, but that's what I call him). This morning, I got up and was at Roomie's house early to go to her dress fitting. Got home and edited some pictures, added some songs to my MP3 player. Now, I'm RELAXING.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-27T14:37:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (yes, I owe ya'll 2 more)...

Taken: May 2009

That's Roomie in the center, with her fiance on her left and her brother-in-law (one of the groomsmen) on the right, taken at her wedding shower. Roomie and I went for dressing fitting. Its getting SO real.

God is love.

2009-06-25T21:45:00.002-05:00

I am VERY sad about Michael Jackson's death. I almost cried when I found out (via text message from one of my best buds).

I am VERY angry with people that can't grasp the innocent until proven guilty thing we have in the great USA. Michael Jackson was NEVER found guilty of a crime (regarding Children/sex), so stop convicting him of one in his death.

I am also sad about Farrah Fawcett's passing, and how its being overshadowed by Michael Jackson's death.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-24T08:39:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: August 2008

That's my adorable nephew TOY. This photo was taken after his football game (he already has his pads off), while watching JM's game. One of the things I love the most about TOY is how much he loves his brothers, cheers for them, does nice things for them, always tries to help them, but don't worry...they are still brothers and fight. And yes, my (then) 10 year old nephew plays tackle football. He's tough.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

2009-06-24T08:37:00.002-05:00

I'll be posting today's POTD shortly, but its VERY likely I will get behind for a day or 4. I'm leaving here shortly and could be back tomorrow, or Saturday, or ...

Shell & I are doing the Detroit Fireworks tonight and Mt Clemens on Friday. YAY! We love fireworks.

I'm picking up my bridesmaid dress today. Pray that it fits.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-23T19:12:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: June 2008
That's the scoreboard of Comerica Park, home of the Detroit Tigers. I took this picture the day of the 2008 Stanley Cup Champion Parade. The Detroit Tigers & Detroit Red Wings have the same owner. You can see the scoreboard as you are walking on the road and we were parked right next to the ballpark. Jo, my friend, and I went to the parade together. It was the first Stanley Cup parade Jo & my friend went to (they've won 4 in our lifetimes), it was my 3rd. We had a blast, even if I was babysat like no other since I was still having major GI issues.

God is love.

2009-06-23T11:39:00.002-05:00

I'm beyond FURIOUS, disappointed, angry, and upset right now.

...with my little sister.

I can't even put it into words right now.

I am in no way innocent and have made plenty of mistakes in my 29+ years of life. But seriously...FUCKING IRATE right now.

Washing my hands with Jo.

God is love.

2009-06-23T09:34:00.002-05:00

Jon & Kate Gosselin of the TV show "Jon & Kate plus 8" announced their divorce last night. While, not a shock, doesn't make me any less annoyed, sad, mad. Yes, I know its just a TV show...but these are 10 lives we are talking about here. I've been pretty outspoken about my anti-divorce stance in the past, and that's not changing any time soon. I know my strong anti-divorce ideas are just in my head since I've never been married, but I do know that my stance makes the thought of getting married even more scary for me. Of course, there are times when I think divorces are warranted but at the same time, the marriage shouldn't have taken place in the first place. I want to live in a God loving Christian utopia which I know will never happen. Free will can be a bitch.

Mom isn't doing to well today. Annoying and sad. This to shall pass.

I have this strange OCD habit of reading the obituaries daily. Today, I read that one of ST's cousins passed away. I'm sad. She was a nice girl, but was born with health problems. I can't imagine the pain her mother is going through right now.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

POTD

2009-06-22T20:26:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day..

Taken: May 2009

That's my dear friend Steph. This photo was taken at Roomie's wedding shower. The entire bridal party (including myself & Steph) was outside in the gardens taking photos. I loved Steph's dress. Its cool how life works. I met Steph thru Shell and now Roomie thru Steph.

God is love.

2009-06-22T09:15:00.002-05:00

This is my 1,507th post. Wow. My blog is almost 5 years old.

I should be at the gym, but I'm waiting to see if Mom's health improves for her to go with me. Plus, I just don't feel like going right now. I slept terribly and that GREATLY affects my mental health.

I noticed a few times yesterday that I am entering a depression rut. So much of it goes back to 1) being single 2) being unemployed 3) my anxiety, social phobic issues.

I decided I need a horse, now if I only had the money.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

POTD

2009-06-21T13:29:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: March 2009
This pretty car picture was taken at Autorama at Cobo Hall in Detroit MI in early March. Autorama is my second favorite car event of the year.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-20T12:29:00.003-05:00

Taken: July 4, 2009

That's JJ, Jo, and me. We were at JJ's house on July 4th for a BBQ. JJ's house is nice for summer holidays and BBQ's. She lives right on the water, so we can swim and chill during the day, but have bonfires at night. I don't think there was a picture of the three of us taken since 1988 or so.

God is love.

2009-06-20T01:21:00.002-05:00

As I was walking upstairs, I was thinking about all the things I need to blog about (and that was like 10 minutes ago)...and now I have no clue.

I hate my sleep habits and wish people understood them. Last night, I slept about 2-5am, then 7-9am. Worked out, did some other stuff, then golfed. Its now 2:26am...and I'm still awake. Then, there are days where I take a 2 hour nap and am in bed by midnight.

I wish people were more educated on bi-polar...at least, more educated about it before they run their mouths.

I can't believe the amount of people that just believe everything they are told, without researching things.

There is slight drama going on in my life lately, with a certain male. Someday, I will be happily married, or so I dream.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-19T21:05:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: April 2009
That's one of the youth leaders for my Church. This was taken while doing the service project during the 30 hour famine. I just got assigned a cool position at Church. PHOTOGRAPHER! YAY! Its now my job to take photos at events and upload them to our Church's facebook page, website, snapfish, and wherever else they need to go. I'm excited. I love pictures.

God is love.

2009-06-18T12:32:00.003-05:00

I'm just a posting fool lately.

For various reasons, I haven't been to the gym in like 2 months. Well, I am feeling fat lately and slightly stressed about fitting into my bridesmaid dress in a month. So, its back to the gym EVERYDAY and paying attention to everything I eat/drink. I weighed myself at the gym today and I haven't gained as much as I feel like I have. I weighed in at 143 lbs. I'd LOVE to weigh 125 but that is probably unrealistic (I am 5'8). I maintained 137 for about a year. I have realized I will never be happy with what I weigh but right now I need to get in better shape, for my own health...and to fit into that darn dress next month.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-18T12:20:00.002-05:00

Picture of the day (YAY! All caught up again!)

Taken: August 2008
This picture was taken at a park in Midland, MI. Jo and I stopped at this park, just to walk around and take pictures on the way home from visiting my cool grandparents. I love this plant, how it has different color flowers.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

POTD

2009-06-18T12:10:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: December 2007

That's my nephew Jax hanging out at Gma's house. I can't believe how much Jax has grown. He looks like a baby there, and now...he's a little dude. I love how Gma is trying to protect him from the edge of the table.

God is love.

Contest

2009-06-17T23:14:00.002-05:00

Jen is having a contest to win a $100 visa gift card. She's the brave and proud mama to all boy quads. What I've come to love the most about Jen's blogs is that she loves God with her entire heart and trusts him always. Check on her blogs.

God is love.

2009-06-17T16:55:00.003-05:00

This has to be a short post cause I have to leave in a few minutes for Church Ice Cream Social...but I am so upset I feel like puking.

For starters, I am sick of being single...I don't need my Dad to remind me DAILY that I am single and his goal in life is to marry me off. Salt in an open wound times 10.

Next, I am sick of my family assuming I am free all the time. They made plans for July 4th, assuming I will be there. Nope, can't do it. Its Baby Girl's first birthday party. I don't care about the event I am missing, I just wish they didn't make me feel like SHIT about it.

Next...I am sick of my parents being all pissy towards JM & TOY's Dad lately. Now, he is NOT innocent and neither is my sister. A shared parenting agreement is a legally binding thing. Its not his fault that JJ is a tool and doesn't get to see her kids alot. He has NO obligation to give her the kids when its NOT her weekend!

Those three things are my main annoyances right now...there are more, but those have my blood boiling.

God is love.

POTD

2009-06-17T15:24:00.003-05:00

Picture of the day...

Taken: June 2009

That's Chad LaRose, #59 of the Carolina Hurricanes and his Dad. This photo was taken at my Uncle's house last week. My Uncle & Chad are BFF's. We have a BBQ annually at the end of Chad's NHL season, but this year was even a better party. Uncle had just spent 7 weeks in the hospital, so it was a Welcome Home party for my Uncle & Chad. While Chad is a celebrity of sorts, to me, he's just another person. LOL. He's very real and hasn't let anything go to his head.

God is love.

2009-06-16T10:05:00.002-05:00

I got behind on my POTD posts again and said I'd explain why...

Sunday morning, I went to Church like normal. JJ, Jax, and her husband came to Church...

(AHHHHHHHH! Interruption, I want to smack my Mom! And they have the nerve to wonder why I stay in my bedroom all the damn time!)

with us. Right after Church, my friend invited me over to hang out, but I was a little busy. After Church, JJ & family came over, we BBQ'ed and swam. They left, I was starting to watch the Tigers game and jumped on facebook. I was on facebook for about 2 minutes, turned the computer off, called my friend and told him I was coming to hang out. I needed someone that understands me and really to just get out of this house and away from life.

So, what on facebook set me off so bad, you ask.

Remember ST, the one I was engaged to, the one that lives in Cincinnati now, the one that I had a great friendship with for a long time...

well, I found out, via FACEBOOK that he is engaged. (Crap, I'm on the verge of crying, again) I knew ST was dating someone. He's been dating her about a year (give or take a few months).

ST is a great guy and deserves the best. I am truly happy for him & wish him nothing but the best. I mean that from the bottom of my heart...but it doesn't make it sting any less. It stings, not in a I want ST back way, or not in ST and I should be married with kids way...but i just stings. I can't really figure it out...partly because I never see myself getting married and having kids which makes every fiber of my being hurt and partly because this girl (who I don't know to say anything good or bad about) has taken my friendship with ST away. Now, there are other reasons (like living in 2 different states) that made the friendship fade...but ST having a girl was a huge part. Did I mention, I found out on FACEBOOK? That stung too. Badly.

So, I drove down to my friend's house. It was a beautiful day. We hung out, talked, he understood more then anyone could, went to a nice fun dinner, did a little Wal-Marting, got back to his house, took a long walk in the rain, watched some TV and ate popcorn, went to sleep at about midnight and slept until after 9am. Then he made me waffles for breakfast. :-) He's such a great friend that losing his friendship scares me to death...but sadly, part of me knows some day it will happen. I'll take it while I've got it.

I did send ST a text and said "congratulations"...when I really wanted to say "Congratulations, but it would have been nice to hear it from you and not find out on facebook!" He replied hours later "thankyou" and that was it. I just want to punch him for forgetting I'm a human with feelings.

God is love.