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For the past 2 weeks, my brain has been flooded with thoughts of my abusive ex.  It has consumed lots of thought, tears, fears, etc.  It really came out of no where, to me.  I'm so just AHHHHHHHHHH and BLAH about it! 

I never HATED him.  I KNOW I did nothing wrong in the situation.  The only thing that bothers me regarding my actions is that I tolerated the mess as long as I did.  Yet, I know it has made me such a stronger person, someone who knows what she wants, and DEFINITELY what she doesn't want in a relationship.  He really affected my ability to trust people, physically, sexually, emotionally.  I see how much he changed me.  I used to be a very social, outgoing person.  HA!  Not no more.  I build walls with everyone, that take a lot to break down.

Ding ding ding.  Maybe...just maybe that's where the thoughts are coming from (but I still don't think so...but I am trying to figure this all out & this is the vaguest idea I could come up with)...I saw myself tearing down all kinds of walls with CJ.  I was letting him in & it basically backfired. Now, understand...CJ was great & basically perfect, the issue is I'm angry with MYSELF for trusting again, caring, tearing down the walls that very few since Jimmy have been able to break down.

I mentioned in my last post, that SML bugged me once at the concert last night.  It was something so small, yet my reaction was WRONG.  Chances are SML didn't even put that much thought into it, but its eating at me.  I was leaning forward in my seat, and he grabbed at my side.  Touching my sides ALWAYS bugs me, I'm VERY sensitive there, plus I think I'm terribly FAT.  Normally, its not that big of a deal.  Last night, in my Tim & Faith zone, it made me snap.  I PUNCHED SML in the leg.  I'm sure it didn't hurt that bad, but it was obvious that it wasn't a "I'm kidding around" punch...but that's NOT the point.  The BIG problem, I punched him, out of ANGER!  That's WRONG.  That's NOT me!!!!!!!!  So, SML...I'm SO sorry!  Nothing can change what happened.  I prayed about it about 10 seconds after it happened, and I know God forgives me.  I'm just REALLY bad at forgiving myself.  Physical violence is NEVER acceptable.  Blah.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!