When You Put Your Hands On Me

I love when I post via email and it doesn't show up!

Any forward progress I was making on this terrible depression has been shot & I feel about 20 steps further back then I ever was before. My stomach is in such a HUGE knot right now. HUGE. I'm SO stressed that I can't even cry. ME, of all people, so gone that I just can't cry! This new turn of events has NOTHING to do with Church stuff. I'm just so confused and upset, I have NO ONE to turn to. I have to avoid my family. I just want to run away and start over.

I went to sleep early (VERY EARLY), knowing I need sleep, praying I'd sleep thru the night, but NO! Like I said, I just want to run away. If I had somewhere to go, if I didn't have to work tomorrow. Someone just shoot me!

I wish I could see a way out, a positive direction. Yet, I see nothing. I feel nothing but pain.

SML, one of the VERY VERY VERY few people that I turn to, is ignoring me right now. That's starting to make me cry. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I expect him to do. I guess, I just want to hear his voice and to hear him tell me that he loves me or something. (EDIT--SML gets to live a little bit, he did just text me back FINALLY!)

I'm thinking about calling ST, but as much as I love him to pieces, he does give me a lot of tough love and I know that's NOT what I need right now. Plus I always worry about adding to his stress. He tells me to not worry about it, but we all know I'm a worrier by nature! But...he does know how to deal with me better than anyone in the world. He doesn't always give me tough love. Yes, I'm thinking outloud.

I'm starting to get a headache, which I can tell will be a migraine VERY quickly.

I even tried looking at pictures of #4...and its not calming me down tonight. ;-) #4 is near perfect (for me), now to just get him to realize that!

God is love!