Should be a long message...

I am a reality TV junkie...have been since I was in HS many moons ago.  Real World has always been one of my favorite shows.  This season Real World is in New Orleans (again).  One of the girls this season (Jemmye or something like that) was previously in an abusive relationship.  In the episode I just watched, she started really talking about the abuse & getting counseling.  Really stirred up emotions that I thought were gone.  10+ years ago my abusive past still makes me scared, hurt, angry, and mad.

My Work & Witness trip to SC was exciting, exhausting, life changing, fun, and a million other emotions I could never put into words.  We broke down on the way there, had to hang out in a random Church half of the day on Saturday (08/07/10) then had to stay in hotel rooms for the night, missed Church in SC on Sunday.  Sunday night or maybe Monday morning the old super rude crabby lady that went on the trip yelled at me because my shorts were to short.  Later in the week she threw a bag of noodles at another lady.  Nice huh?  I love this lady, but do not like her.  The teens and all the other adults were GREAT.  God did awesome work in myself and just about everyone involved.

Husband & I had a big fight last night.  I hate fighting with him.  And while I say fight, it wasn't really a fight...I didn't yell or cry at all.  At some point, he got in his car & went for a drive because he was so upset.  He's still mad at me, doesn't trust me, and is even mad at God.  Him being mad at God is, BY FAR, the most upsetting part to me.  Today he did admit to something I called him out on last night.  I get blamed & not trusted for his cheating ex-wife and other crazy relationships he has been in.  I feel like he isn't happy with the changes God has been making in me.  I've basically given up my city friends (I'd be there for them in a HEART BEAT and vice versa, but hanging out is really only a planned in advanced special occasion).  God has been working on me for 15+ years and is in full force lately.  I was gone for 8 days with Church's work & witness trip...and now this week, helping with our Church's VBS...mainly because we are trying to start handing more stuff to the younger generations.  My heart is working with teens.  Our youth group is growing like crazy lately.  Its very likely that we will have to split into a middle school/high school group soon.  If so, I'm going to be leading one of them.  Husband seems to be jealous of the teens from Church facebooking me, texting me, calling me, hanging out with me at Church.  That hurts because I KNOW that's where God wants me.  The fight from last night & the issues with the teens are to separate issues...just rambling.  Husband has a difficult time that I am getting involved in Church things or something because he feels like he's not enough for me.  I have no interaction with people throughout that day since I do this housewife gig...while he works by himself often, he sees people, customers, and yada.  I am not a people person, I am guarded...but those I let close, I like to see/talk to.  I know marriage isn't easy, I know marriage won't come without its trials...but I hate the tension.  Husband loves me, I love him, and we both love Jesus, so I know this will pass...but it makes me sad & heart heavy.  I do know I have prayed about it a lot today and so have some of my friends/family (without them having the slightest bit of details).

Little Boy P.  I LOVE THAT BOY!  During the trip to SC, I talked to a few about the situation.  We talked & prayed about it a lot.  Then one day, Husband & Little Boy P's family were in court.  His Mother (for the third time with him...remember she alreayd lost her two daughters) has been given three more months to clean up her act.  His grandmother still has temporary custody of him.  (Note:  I didn't know about the court thing while I was in SC & praying about what to do in this mess)  This week, I have gotten the pleasure of spending quality time with Little Boy P.  We are leaning towards fostering him if the opportunity really arises.  His birthday is Friday & I won't get to see him...his party is Saturday & we won't be able to go to that.  We were going to take him out for ice cream tomorrow night, but he's going to the fair...so we decided to go with him (and his Grandma, sisters, and cousins). 

Its late, I can't sleep but I don't want to type more.

God is love!