Don't Lie

The picnic turned out better then I thought it would.  Of course, my depression, anxiety, & insecurities got in my way of having some fun but it was a good time.  Red & his entire family did their best to help me today, but I fight even them off lately.  Maybe cause I don't want myself getting remotely attached to Red (even as just a good friend) knowing he's leaving in like 6 weeks. 

I'm just very blah.  I wish I could figure it out.  I'm sick and tired of being like this.  I'm lonely and I hate that I feel lonely.  I'm stronger then that.  I don't need anyone & I know that...yet I'm lonely.  Blah.

I spent a little bit of time on the phone with one of my best buds & it makes me realize what a wall I have built up.  I don't know if I'm building walls to protect others from hurting me or so others won't see that I'm hurting.  Every ounce of me wants to break down but I fear what will happen if I do...so I'll keep my walls intact.  

God is love.