One Of The Boys

Its NOT a hidden thing that mentally, I'm doing poorly. A lot of the issues are stemming from lack of money, lack of a job, feeling like a failure. Now, there is NO guarantee if I had a job, money, etc that I would be in a better mental place.

Some time soon...probably within the next week or two...I have to sit down and have a meeting with Pastor D. This goes back to something he said during a sermon over 2 years ago. Its not really by my choice, but Dad is on my case majorly, plus others in the know about the situation, think I should "deal with it". The thought of having to talk to him about the issues has had me in tears and panicky. I'd rather just NOT deal with it. I am doing okay getting along with Pastor D on the surface.

Yesterday, after Church apparently, in the craziness of putting groceries away & thinking about having to meet w/ Pastor D, I didn't hang up my coat. I left it on a kitchen chair. UGH! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed off about that. The cats/dog rubbed up against it a million times. Its COVERED in hair. Its my nice gray peabody coat. It costs about $20 to get it dry cleaned. $20 that I just do NOT have right now. Its 100% UNWEARABLE. I don't even have anywhere to put it right now, like I can't put it in the closet that it goes in because it will get other things covered in hair. I can't put it in my bedroom cause I 1) don't have room 2) am ANAL about pet hair in my room. The pets are not allowed near my room. So, for now, the coat sits at the kitchen table to get covered in more pet hair. I am SO angry about it, that I want to throw the coat away cause until it gets cleaned its as good as dead to me. In my head, it makes me unable to go to Church & job interviews until Spring. I am SOOOOOOO angry about it. SERIOUSLY. ANGRY. PISSED OFF.

Whatever. Again, I still just wish I was smart enough to find a way to kill myself. I hate this life.

God is love.