You Do Your Thing

Happy New Years.

My mood is like the Millienium Force X20 right now, actually it has been ALL day.

ST just signed online. I can't even IM him, I want to, but I can't. I just want to pour my heart on him and tell him whats really going on. I'm doing my best to just let him be. Keeping my mindset that when he realizes things or whatever, he knows where I'm at and that I will ALWAYS welcome him as my friend, with open arms. Maybe about 8 months from now he'll find himself in the shower one morning singing "If I could Turn Back Time" by Cher.

To me, New Years has always (okay, since I was 16 or so) been a mushy type holiday. Its actually the only semi-lovey dovey holiday I really like. The 1st NYE that ST & I were together, I was REALLY upset that he was out of town. Doing nothing today isn't bothering me at all (actually I'm enjoying it basically) its the being alone that I am hating.

If someone would have asked me 6 months ago, what I would be doing tonight, I can safely bet you that the answer wasn't sitting home without ST. ERRRRRRRRRR. I just want to yell, scream, and cry that I hate him dammit. But I don't, I love him and miss him. Hate is probably the farthest thing from the truth regarding my thoughts and feelings about ST.

I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep and remember last New Years. Those are some great memories.

Okay...someone kick me now. Tell me that everything happens for a reason, It wasn't meant to be, I am stronger then I know, His loss, etc. anything and everything to boost (even artifically right now, I don't care) my dying self esteem.