10,000 Angels

Grab a soda, a snack and enjoy. I think this is going to be a LONG ramble.

For starters...I have a love/hate relationship with snow. If I was 10 years old still I would 100% love snow. Its so pretty. I love to play in it. Then the real world hits me, and I still have to go to work, social gatherings, etc. Maybe I should become a teacher then I could get a snow day here or there?! (Actually, I don't think I'm brave enough to be a teacher. Shell has to put up with some major crap from people less then 1/2 her age)

I just ran to my car to grab my sweater (while in my PJ's...t-shirt and boxers, I did put on mom's unlaced boots) and there are snow drifts well up to my knees. Joy. I love open farm land life. Have I mentioned lately that someday (hopefully sooner then later) I'm moving to Las Vegas or Phoenix?

I'm doing laundry. Another joy of my life. One day, I'm going to be so rich that I just wear it once and donate to charity and then buy more. Okay, so a girl can dream.

I wish I would have taken a picture of my Dad this morning. The guy is such a dork. Maybe he's part of where I get my I don't give a rat's butt attitude from. He had on navy sweatpants (with paint all over them), a white (free) tshirt with car stuff all over it, this red baseball cap that says CIA--Christian in Action hat, and then my Mom's leapord print bootie slippers. Cute, I'm telling you.

I'm so irritated about yesterday. I was leaving work at 3, then 3:15, then 3:45, then 4, then 6, well I punched out at 6:30pm. Shell called me at about 5pm (when there were about 30 salespeople from all over the country in my office) to tell me they were going to the bar I have been wanting to try out since it opened 2 months ago. ERRRRRRRRRRR. I wanted to go so badly, but I wasn't going home and back to the city and home. If I would have known a day in advance, I would have been there. I just hope they liked it there, so we'll go back soon. I wonder who all went. I know 3 within the circle that were wanting to check it out. Maybe they all didn't go. I'll have more pull in the future if that's the case. The newspaper did a write up about this bar the other day, it had mostly good stuff to say. Just not enough seating. I can deal with that, at this type of bar.

I'm enjoying a lovely chocolate banana homemade milkshake at the moment. Ahhhhh. The simplest things in life make me the happiest.

Okay, enough of the fluffy stuff...

Leaving ST out of this. 2 out of 3 of my emotionally involved relationships ended (for good) with some type of breaking point incident.

Matt & I dated the majority of my junior & senior years of HS. He was in the navy my senior year, but we were still "together". While I was away at college (during one of many off again parts of Jimmy) Matt took a train over to visit me for a long weekend. We had a decent time. I won lots at the casino. He left to go back to his base, and I just knew that was the END of the END! He called a few times and I didn't want anything to do with him. He then ran his mouth and I really didn't want anything to do with him. That started a real hatred for each other. We have ran into each other a few times and it was obvious that we didn't want to be in the same room as each other. I slightly feared him. He was just crazy. I ran into him not long ago at the bar, and we actually enjoyed seeing each other. It was nice to see we both had grown up and could handle ourselves like adults. He even bought me a drink or 2.

Jimmy & I dated starting shortly after I graduated from HS, thru my year away at college, and a few months after. Jimmy was the love of my life. We always had so much fun together. He came into my life at time, in a way, that I was never expecting. Jimmy had a horrible reputation (well deserved!) so I had to fight with everyone to get them to see the good in him. If we both would have realized that we were best friends, not lovers, it would have been much better. I can't tell you the number of times that he lied, cheated, yelled, screamed, pushed, me. I know am grateful for all the shit he did to me. No guy will ever get away with that crap. Screw that gig. At one point, his other girlfriend broke my bedroom window (with her fist) and I still didn't wake up. I was blinded by love (or scared by what would happen if I ended things, considering buying the wrong kind of hostess cupcakes left me in so much physical pain). Jimmy and I broke up sometime in the summer of 98, because he spit on my face. That was IT (or so I thought). We spoke a few times here and there but nothing really serious (see, we should have been FRIENDS). I spent much of that summer in Florida. Jimmy was bugging all my friends about me. Hmmm. I thought he cared. Dummy T. I came home from FL and we were talking, hanging out, but not together but not apart really. Thanksgiving rolls around. Shell, P, and I go to Canada, at least, attempt to go to Canada on the biggest bar night of the year (Thanksgiving Eve). I ended up home by 11pm. Called Jimmy, went over there, had sex, and left. That was the end of it. END! Why was that the breaking point, I don't know, but I knew within a matter of hours that was the breaking point. I talked to him maybe 3 times over the phone after that. I just was 100% done. I think I mentioned it previously, Jimmy pasted away in August of 2004. I wish I would have gotten to say goodbye, I wish I would have gotten to thank him for all the fun we had, for everything he did for me, and for being an ass, because it has made me so strong. T the Wall Builder is 100% because of Jimmy.

The 3rd emotionally involved relationships involved SML, who is thru and thru one of the best friends that I could ask for. No one understands how we are friends, why we are friends, etc. but it works great for us. I'm so lucky he's my friend. I'm so greateful for him. No matter what, he's got my back & I've got his.

...blogging break...gotta die my hair. Okay, here I sit for the next 25 minutes with dye on my head. I'm trying to get my hair back to (close to) its natural color. It hasn't been 100% its natural color since 1993. I think its going to turn out really dark which is going to be shocking since I've been lightening, reddening my hair for so long.

Now onto ST. I often feel like ST & I pray to 2 different Gods. I know we don't but it amazes me that when praying about the same situation we both get 2 different answers. Well, the time has come that I have reached that end of all end points with ST. I don't hate him or anything like that. I'm just DONE. The boy could send me flowers for 2 weeks straight, buy me massage after massage, and I'm done. I'm content with it too. ST & I had been talking for about 2 weeks. I thought things were going well. Well, Tuesday afternoon I received an EMAIL that basically said, we are at different points in our lives that things weren't going to work out. I haven't talked to him since (actually I haven't talked to him since last Saturday night). It really is his loss. He might not see it now, but it is. He closed the door on our friendship too. Maybe in the future (like Matt & I) we will be able to chill like friends, but for now, that's just done. I'm not sad, heartbroken, none of that. I'm PISSED at how things went down. If he would have picked up the phone and been like "I was using you for sex", I could have handled that better then his silly email. We are both adults, I just don't understand why he did what he did, the way he did it. I spent lots of time this week discussing this situation with 4 of my friends. One of them, was like "You have been done with him a few times before. Why is this different?" Well, without trust, respect, and a friendship I don't think you can have a relationship and I can assure you all that the trust is GONE! Do I feel used in this situation? As I told another friend, not at all. We might have been in it for different reason, but it was always mutual on one level or another.

It bothers me that my best friend is gone, out of my life, but I'll survive. I have other friends, I have myself, I have my family, and I have God.

So, that's that with the ST situation. He's done, I'm over it. It was a great 6 years. It didn't work out the way I thought it would but I don't regret any part of it. I loved him truly, held nothing back. I had so much fun with him, learned so much from him, opened up more then I thought possible to someone. I can say time and time again, it was so great to learn what true unconditional recipricated love was.

Now I can blog about Red or whatever guy I want and not feel guilty. Yes, I was feeling guilty talking about other guys when ST & I weren't together.

Bowl tonight. Joy oh joy! I don't want to go. I don't want to drive 140 miles in crappy weather.

Peace, love, and moving on to all.