Should Of Been A Cowboy

Hey, its after 3am, and here I am to blog again. Sleeping normal has never been my strong suit, its definitly not right now. I did choke down some dinner (Applebee's...shock shock) around 8:30pm.

I'm sick of having panic attacks. I don't remember the last time I had one really. Now, 2 nights back to back. Yippeeeeee.

I'm calmer now, then I was when I posted last. I have every negative emotion in my head at the moment, but I'll come out of this stronger. I just wish ST would talk to me. I'm still unwilling to blog all the details of my emotions and the current happenings. I don't want to say something I'll regret later. It sucks when the great majority of what you want to say about the one you love and trust more then anyone else on this planet is not nice. I did write (actual paper and pen) some stuff to ST tonight. Of course, I didn't finish my thoughts and I probably will never share what I wrote with him.

I'm 100% paranoid that I might be loosing my job shortly. The attendance police are on a rampage. My attendance has greatly improved over time within this company. There was that week in December that I had to call in 3 days. (2 for my teeth and 1 for the freaking garage door). Well, after that week I got a nasty letter about my attendance. Today, I was 30 minutes late due to the weather. Joy. It took me 146 minutes to get to work today and that's not stoping to get a soda. Normally, it takes about 75 minutes with average traffic and 1 stop to get a soda. Loosing my job right now would just be the icing on the cake of crappiness.

Mom has basically been in Momworld since Friday. Some times are better then others but, yeah, she hasn't been able to be alone at all. Mom gets out of bed and someone is with her, making sure she's not getting into trouble, hurting herself, etc. She called me at work today to tell me she woke up from a nap. She is very overly emotional. Mom is always crying that Jo hates her, she's sorry, etc. Gma has been here since Tuesday now, to help us out. Yesterday/today whatever (Wednesday) was Gma's 76th birthday. I pray that I am as healthy and energetic as she is when I hit that age. Gma is so awesome and strong, to bad she doesn't see it. In the grand scheme of life, Mom's health has been decent on this trip into Momworld, its just dealing with an adult that has the mindset of a young child with very little short term memory. Yet, she knows she's an adult and knows that we (Jo & I) aren't her Mom, she should be able to be in charge of herself, etc. It all makes for fun times.

Mom did manage to point out something interesting the other day. There is this boy that I don't know, but I do know he doesn't treat Jo with the respect and love she deserves. Mom brought it to our attention that I just don't like seeing people be mean to Jo. Exactly. Its nothing against this boy as a person, I don't know him. At the same time, it made me realize that maybe I am going to have to stop defending ST to people. Those people don't dislike ST, they just dislike some of the mud I've been dragged thru lately.

We were watching TV tonight and there was a stupid Cherrios commerical on. The dad is holding the baby, the baby starts eating Dad's Cherrios instead of his own. My Mom was like "That's going to be ST with your babies." I was surprised I didn't cry or say something negative or bite Mom's head off. Mom so has me married off to ST with children. If only I wouldn't have been a moron before, maybe that's how things would be today. Oh well, can't live in the past.

Blah blah blah. This has gotten LONG.

We have no soda in this house right now. You have no idea what kind of a problem that is. We have milk, chocolate milk, butter milk, orange juice, and that's about it. I don't do milk really and I 100% do not do orange juice. We have apple juice, but that's getting crucially low in supply and high in demand. Water isn't really drinkable here. Gotta love farm life.

Oh yeah. Why do I instist on wearing my cute brown clogs in the winter, while its snowing/snow on the ground? Maybe because they are easy to slip on and off, maybe because I like to change my socks, maybe because no one can tell me I can't. Seriously though, T. You live on a farm where the snow drifts get huge. We only have like 2 inches of snow right now, but the drifts between the cars is about 6-8 inches. Of course, I have plenty of other shoes to wear. Its just not the point.

I'm watching way to many TV shows lately. I'm trying to watch Bachorlette, Real World, Real World/Road Rules, American Idol, Osbournes. In the next week also starts Newlyweds and The Apprintence. What the heck? I don't watch TV.

My goal is to work 10 hours tomorrow AND go to the gym. Since I'm awake in the middle of the night, we shall see. I don't even know if I have any clean pants to wear to work tomorrow. Eeeek. I did shave today (and cut myself of course) so if it came down to it, I could wear a skirt. Everyone in my office would have a heart attack. Tomorrow is really today, I guess...I'm talking about Thursday when I wake up in like 3 hours. I think I'm going to spend my Friday night doing laundry. Joy.

Okay, enough. T out.