Spin

So, where was I went I last wrote to this lovely blog of mine.

Let's see...Wednesday was a day from hell! I had a mental break down, a pretty bad one. I knew it was coming, but there's not a lot I can do to stop it. I was laying in my bed, sobbing uncontrollably. I decided I wasn't going make things any better being in my room...so I packed a days worth of clothes, got in my car, and left. I didn't know where I was going, what I was doing really, but I was leaving. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving, I just left. About 10 minutes after I left, I called home to tell my mom I was okay, but just had to leave. So then, my family flooded my cell phone with calls. I didn't answer. I needed to be left alone. No one could fix the pain I was in. I'd rather not re-hash the issues that caused my break down. After a few million hugs, sobbing on my friend's shoulder, some dinner, and a little sleep, I'm doing much better...not good, but better.

During my break down ST called. Odd timing. I wasn't in the mood to deal with him. I was SO used to turning to him in my times of crisis, and I was finding a way out of this crisis without him! I thought my family might have called him to have him check on me, but after talking with him today, he says that isn't the case. As I said recently, I have no reason to not trust him...but lately, something in my gut (maybe my heartbreak) is telling me to not trust him as much as I used to.

So, yeah...ST. I hadn't talked to him since last Thursday, I think. I really have to leave our friendship in his hands, for the time being. He called yesterday, I quickly got off the phone, cause it was just piss poor timing. I called him back at 21:00, ring ring...dump to VM. He called back at 23:45, yeah right. I didn't feel like answering my phone. He left me a semi-snotty VM. Oh well. So, today, I'm on my way home from work. I thought I would give ST a call at about 17:15, he'd be on his way home from work & I'd be done running around. Well, he called me at about 16:00, while at work of course. I feel like I'm a big hidden secret from Ann. Yes, she has a name. She's not the one I thought, but I was right, she's one of JV's friends. ST talking about stuff they were doing, just hit a REALLY soft spot. I got off the phone QUICK! Hello T. You dated him for basically 6 years, he was your best friend. He knows you better then anyone in the world. Like he didn't realize why you got off the phone so damn quick. I want to be his friend dammit. I know we aren't going to work as a couple any time soon. I just wish I could deal with him being happy better then I am. With time, I guess. I did talk to him a little bit later, needed to make sure we were on the same page about my feelings and stuff.

I'm such a jealous person. Its one of the things I dislike about myself. I'm jealous of a lot of the current ST/Ann happenings (I'm not getting into stuff going on within their relationship), I'm jealous I'm alone, I'm jealous Shell/J & Cris/Rich are going to Vegas on Sunday, I'm jealous of everyone that doesn't have a social phobia, I'm jealous of all the mentally stable people, I'm jealous of the rich, I'm jealous that K is going to Hawaii.

I'm car-less. It SUCKS! It doesn't suck that bad yet, but its not going to get better any time soon. Ideally mid next week, it could get better. Ahh, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

This post has taken me over an hour to type, I just can't process/gather thoughts well tonight. Everything happens for a reason.

T out.