People Need Love

Since I've got a load of laundry that just went into the dryer, I've got time to blog before bed.

This shall be random...but that's me.

American Idol. I still like about 50% of the people left. My favorites are (male) Chris Daughtry & (female) Katharine McPhee. I have the ones I do not like also...Bucky, Brena, Elliott, Sway.

As we all know, my depression has been giving me a real run for the money the past few months. Today was no different. I'm mentally beating myself up over all kinds of things, big & small.

Today was a TERRIBLE day, from the minute I woke up. I rolled over to check the clock, thinking I was getting a lot of sleep. Well, yeah. It was 06:49. My alarm goes off at 05:16. Not a good start. So, I was 1.5 hours late for work. I have NO idea what happened. I wake up at the drop of a pin, I don't hit the snooze really (I do, to shut the alarm up, cause I hate noise...but not to sleep). I tested the alarm tonight and it worked fine. I know the alarm was set, I check it about ten times at night. It only has a low/high volume thing, so its not that the volume was off. ERRRRRRRRRRR! Then, on the way into work...I tried to call Jess to tell her I was going to be LATE and I can't call out! WTF! I haven't sorted matters out with Nextel yet...but I'm not happy. STRESS. I can get calls, I can get & send text messages but I can't make calls. So, I text people and tell them to call me. Whatever. Work sucked...but it always does lately. I'm so lucky I love 95% of the people I work with. There are these reports I send out every day...normally by about 11:00, sometimes later...but always by the time I leave. Yeah, the report that should have went out on Tuesday still isn't done. Today's wasn't started. Audits..yeah right. Haven't touched one of those all week.

Went to the gym after work, came home to get hounded on by my Dad about what was going on with Nextel, about money I owe GMAC (which comes directly out of my checking account the 15th of every month), about household chores, about Mom's medication. ERRRRRRRRRRR. Stress is an understatement.

Out of no where, last night...I realized that my self esteem has gone to hell lately, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. My self-esteem is something I've always prided myself on. I've had great amounts of self-esteem at times when most chicks don't. Yet, lately...its in the gutter. I can see a handful of things that have probably compounded to make my self-esteem drop, but like I said...I've been through rougher times.

I haven't talked to ST since I left his place early Monday morning. I've left him 2 messages (one Monday when I got home & one tonight) and I haven't heard from him. I know I shouldn't get myself to concerned...because we operate on a relaxed, talk when we talk, level...but just. :-\ See the part about being stressed, anxiety ridden, depressed, etc lately.

Here is a tad bit of a re-cap of my trip...

Thursday: Left straight from work for Cinci. Stop #1, some gas station/subway/taco bell joint off of I-75 about 2 hours into my drive. Well, see...I should always listen to Lerch. She told me before the best gas station/food place to stop...but it was like another 20 miles and I needed to stop NOW. This gas station was also the freaking Greyhound bus station. It was super crowded and full of strange people. It took forever to pee & get nasty Taco Bell. There was some guy yelling at the Taco Bell order taker because Taco Bell didn't have french fries. Stop #2 was much better. It was a rest area, just to pee (yes, we know...I pee OFTEN!). Strange thing, a rest area after dark, all alone...I felt safer then I did at the gas station earlier. Got to ST's & basically went to sleep.

Friday: ST had to work, so I had the day to myself. I was out the door by 10:10. I was going grocery shopping and just out & about. My first stop after grocery shopping was for lunch. I've read Martini & Sarah's blogs, both talk about Chipotle. I knew it was across from the grocery store, next to the mall I wanted to check out. So, I gave it a try. It was TOP NOTCH! YAY!!! After my filling lunch, I went to Cincinnati Mills (a mall, but it was DEAD!) to see if I could find any cute cheap handbags. No luck. BUT...the mall did have a nice scrapbooking store! YAY!!!! I bought some VBS stickers. I wanted to buy LOTS more...but I held back. Then, I got my hair cut at the cheap place by the mall. The chick did a good job! Yes, I get my hair cut at the cheap places. The cheapest is the best. Its only hair, it will grow back. After making a few wrong turns, I finally got back to ST's place. I baked some brownies & started getting dinner prepped. I thought once the brownies were out, I'd have 1.5-2 hours to nap before ST got home. Well, he called as I was getting ready to lay down. No OT today. He was on his way home. CRAP. I had to make the bed & get out of pajamas in like 2 minutes. He only works like 3 miles down the road. Friday night, I made dinner & we played games...rummy, trival puesuit (which, I won! Okay...I was winning but we quit before we finished).

Saturday...ST slept in. ST made us breakfast. He almost burned down the place. ;-) He used a new pan and it made the place get all stinky and smoky. We did a little bit of running around. He taught me (a little bit) of how to play different poker games. We went out for dinner/drinks. I enjoyed myself a lot at dinner, got some not that important, but important to me, things off my chest. That night was ended by me loosing $$$. I thought I was talented enough to play poker for $. I can't hide anything from anyone. Poker isn't my game.

Sunday...I went to Church. Took my Sunday afternoon nap, without having to fight with ST to much! Then ST watched some movies that were on tv and I played online. Later, ST made us a nice dinner, then we rented a movie with the cool on demand thing. The movie wasn't that good. Then I got all emotional and we went to bed.

I enjoyed myself so much. To get away from here, to spend quality time with someone that knows/understands me. I can't help but laugh at some things we do, because we are just so relaxed around each other.

Laundry should be dry. I should get some sleep. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to work, to the gym, home, taking Mom shopping (for a shower gift, for a shower, that I don't know for sure if/how she is going), doing housework. Weeeeee...my brain is in OVERLOAD.

SML is getting sick. :-( I hope he's feeling better soon. He can't be sick. He's been my rock so much lately. I hate feeling like I can't be there for him, the way he is for me!

Oh yeah...someone else won MY mega millions jackpot. Jerkball.

T out.