Sounds Of War

Dad has jacked up the new computer already. Don't even get me started on his stupidity! He's the STUPIDEST smart person I know, BY FAR!!!!!!!!!

I've got to type this fast, cause God only knows when the computer is going to randomly re-start on me!

Since I've talked with my 2 best (male) friends about my issues regarding CJ, gotten their thoughts/opinions, I feel safer posting about it now. If I could only begin to clearly get my points across to CJ, its just difficult over the phone.

CJ is under a ton of stress. His divorce keeps getting messier every day! His grandfather that he's very close to is going to pass away (from cancer) any minute. Add on he's working 60+ hours a week (not counting any fire runs), plus just normal life issues. He's very stressed, understandably.

I know I tend to be a selfish & self-centered person. I'm not proud of it, but its me. Over the past year or so, since I realized I really was that way, I've been trying to change, but its a slow bloody process. I've made progress, but not enough by any means.

CJ & I have discussed in depth, the fact that for now, I must be a back burner in his life. I know it won't be like that forever. I'm just NOT used to not having the world revolve around me, so to speak, and its different. I'm TRYING to be patient and less selfish/self-centered...but its hard. I take everything he says or does personal, like he doesn't care, when I know the opposite. Finding a delicate balance right now of where we fit into each others life is a challenge. I know relationships aren't easy.

A small part of me is ready to chalk this relationship up to bad timing and call it quits. A small part of me thinks maybe we are better off as friends for now, and we will see what the future might hold. Yet, a much larger part of me knew what I was getting myself into (needing to be patient with his divorce mess especially) and wants this to work more than anything! He's worth the work. I'm worth the work. I believe deep down, that all the issues are within my insecurities and my selfishness/self-centered ways.

Ramblings of my head. I hope this makes a little bit of sense. If not, it does to me, and right now, that's what matters.

We shall see what the future holds. Nothing more, nothing less.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!