Grab a cup of coffee and a snack before you sit down to read this post...I can tell its going to be a long one.

TOY, my hilarious 12 year old nephew is in the hospital as I type.  He was bitten by a brown recluse spider (or something very similar since they say we don't have those in Michigan).  The bite is on his forearm and the infection or whatever its call is up to his armpit.  The meds they have him on right now have made him unable to walk/stand.  If things stay the way they are/improve, surgery won't be needed.  We should know in the next 16 hours.

Today (kinda today...kinda Sept 5) is a sad sad sad day.  My cousin/friend (the one who I made the frisin term for) would be celebrating her birthday today...instead we are facing the 4th anniversary of her death.  (Some say she died today, some say 9/5 when my aunt found her body).  Another reminder why drugs are BAD.  Its never been made clear to me if (WHAT DRUG) she overdosed on and why some say it was a planned overdose/suicide.  It breaks my heart to think the last time I saw her, she was in my bathroom doing crystal meth & we were fighting tooth & nail.  I do find peace knowing our last telephone conversation (a few days before she died) was happy & positive.  When I think about where my life was at, during this time...its amazingly strange how much has changed!  Shell & J weren't married, I hadn't dated my friend (and that whole situation!), and I barely knew of my husband.  My Grandma was GRAVELY ill when my cousin died.  I remember when I first talked to a good friend of mine, she thought for sure, I was so upset cause Gma died.  Gma was doing so bad she didn't even attend cousin's funeral.  To see where my Gma is four years later...its amazing.  81 years old & doing good.  Gma is my living proof that God heals & does miracles.

Today (not the date, but the fact that its Friday of Labor Day weekend) is a special day.  It marks the anniversary of my & husband's first date.  I can't believe how much my life has changed, I can't believe I am MARRIED.  If you would have asked me 365 days ago if I thought I'd be married to my husband today, I would have laughed.  I wouldn't have said I wouldn't be married...but NEVER would have imagined who I am married too.  I'm so glad God is in control and knows what He is doing.  His timing is amazing.  God gave me exactly WHO I needed, and WHEN I needed it.  I couldn't ask for more in my husband.  We are going to golf with Church tonight then out to dinner at the place we first went.  I'm excited.

I stopped seeing my counselor in mid July for various reasons, mainly because the doctor there refused to listen to me.  My husband finally asked me about it today, I'm glad the air is clear on this subject.  I think (I know!) I need counseling and meds...but the current situation wasn't working, so that's life for now.

Lately I've REALLY been struggling on where I fit on this planet.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.  I don't fit in with single people, I don't fit in with married people (since most have kids), I don't fit in with a lot of people because of my Christian views, I don't fit in with people because I'm uptight, unfriendly, and guarded.  My husband doesn't get my feeling like I don't fit in and more then that, he doesn't get my need to have friends or whatever.  My old friends live to far for me to do stuff with them these days.  Husband sees people every day while working, he sees people/friends while golfing & bowling....I don't have that, and I need friends.  Because I feel SO MUCH like I don't fit in anywhere these days, all I want to do is stay home.  A friend of sorts wants me to do a girls night with her and her friends next friday.  I do NOT want to go at all...I feel like she asked because my husband told her to.  Seriously, I have ZERO friends I would call to hang out with EVER.  ZERO.  I have a VERY VERY VERY select few that I can text with problems or randomness.  I am just walking around lost lately.  I've got God & husband holding me up to keep me alive.

God is love.