Bread & Butter

I've been holding back while blogging lately. Today, I'm going to just type as time allows at work. I need to get some things off my chest. Hopefully, I can do so without crying. I answer phones 50% of my day, no crying allowed.

Something smells good right now. I hate sitting so close to the break room. Out of probably 300 people that work in my building, I'm the closest! Why ME??? It does have its advantages, it puts Miss Pee-Way-To-Much right by the bathrooms too.

Like I said, I spend 50% of my work day answering phones. I have a good time trying to sound so cheerful all the time, overly cheerful. Its such an act. Every time someone comments on how chipper I am, I just laugh within my own head because I know I'm going out of my way to make it sound that way.

I'm a firm believer that time does NOT heal all wounds. It might make them less painful but somethings will cause you pain forever. For example, my cousin's death. ET died in November of 1995. Nearly 9 years later and the pain of his death still bothers me often. I miss him continously. This time of year much more then other times of year. From mid-October thru New Years, we spent about 5 times as much time together as we did during the rest of the year. I miss ET today just as much as I did that night I over heard he died. I've learned to deal with it better over time.

The issue I'm avoiding talking about like the plague, is my relationship (or lack there of) with ST. ST ended things on Saturday morning. Why, you ask? Well, I can tell you what I was told. Do I except that reason? Absolutly not! I was told that he doesn't trust me. We have been back together 1.5 years and now, he doesn't trust me and never will be able to. I have done NOTHING in the time we have been back together to lose his trust. I did lose trust when I broke up with him, but to my knowledge I had that trust back. I know when I broke up with him during the summer of 2002 that I hurt him badly and I'm forever sorry. I try to live life with no regrets, but by far this is my biggest regret ever! I learned so much, grew as a person, made new friends, gained new experiences while we were apart, but it was nothing that we couldn't have done together. As all of you know, things were going great lately. I was extremely happy with ST and our relationship. This has totally blind-sided me. I'm IN love with him, I love him madly. I'm so goo-goo-ga-ga over him still, nearly 6 years. We have our issues, don't get me wrong, but nothing that I didn't think we couldn't handle. All I want in life is to be with him, to be loved by him, to some day have my family with him. I would do anything to have that. Part of me thinks that this will pass, (part of that part is scared to death to think about life if it doesn't pass) and the other part is just so lost and heartbroken. The picture of us that I have on my desk got moved to the back corner today (next to the kleenex box, how fitting) because I just look at it and want to cry. ST is the most perfect catch in the universe, at least to me and that's all that matters. He's cute, funny, a great listener (with ME, you have to be!), smart, athletic, caring. We have VERY similar religious and political beliefs.

I have talked to him a few times, briefly since Saturday morning. Things just suck. I call him cause I NEED him, I WANT him, I LOVE him dammit. He answers and words just don't come out of my mouth. He doesn't have anything to say. I know I should leave him alone, give him his space, etc...but I just don't want to. I wish I could get him to understand how important he is to me and how much I want and need him.

I just can't begin to understand what happened during within about 16 hours to have him stop trusting me.

My life had been going so well lately. Work was good, friends were great, ST was great, family was good, Mom was doing well. I was preparing myself mentally for something to change. Things don't stay all good for very long...but my relationship ending was NOTHING I saw coming, nothing I could (or would want to!) prepare myself for.

ST is my angel, he's all I want.