The Dance

I talked to ST today more then I have in the past couple of days put together. I did tell him about something that was really weighing on me. Now, its just a wait and see approach. It definitly was a strained communication. I'm at a loss for words with him, I know that's a 1st. T at a loss of words, write it down. To lose him is bad enough, but I feel like I've also lost the best friend I had in him. I'm telling you, this is killing me.

Many moons ago, I said/wrote the following little line, and for a long time ST carried it in his wallet. Where is that old wallet when I need it? "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, but we are perfect for each other."

Whoever snags ST is a lucky chick. God, why can't it be me?

I have counseling tomorrow. I'm 100% dreading it. I've been debating whether or not to continue my therapy. I just feel like I've out grown it or something for now. I'm stable basically. Its NORMAL to have bad/sad days. I don't want to go tomorrow cause I know I'm going to spend an hour SOBBING about this ST situation. Right now there is NOTHING anyone (except ST) can say or do to make things better, but I do like all flowers, socks, and candy.

I chatted briefly with Shell tonight. She's the only one that knows CLOSE to the entire situation. I don't know how long I can continue trying to hide my hurt from everyone especially my parents. Jo knows ST and I are fighting (actually, she's a reader, so she knows...duh!). Shell mentioned doing something this weekend (besides bowling) but I don't know if I'll be up to it. I'd rather sit home and cry (and plot how I'm going to get him back).

Jo is going thru a rough time right now too. Poor Jo. She needs to find a boy 1/2 as good as her Daddy. That's what my mom always told us girls. "Find a man 1/2 as good as your father and you will be doing great." ST was the only guy any of us (JJ, Jo, and myself) ever dated that Mom gave the real stamp of approval too. (JJ's now ex-husband really didn't get the stamp until after the divorce. LOL.) Maybe Jo will come down to the city with me on Saturday to hang out at bowling. The only issue with her hanging out is that she limits what we can do afterwards. (No 21 & up places)

Okay, only 1 hour before Real World. Wahoooo!

My Dad always has said "Wlastname's aren't quitters." Its a motto that is DRILLED into my head so deep. Its something I've litterally heard 7 times a week for the past 24 years now. I say I'm going to plot how to get ST back. That's all I know how to do, not quit. Throw in that I'm stubborn as hell. I know I should leave him alone for a while, I know that...but I just CAN'T. Call it an obcession, call it stubborn, call it controlling. Call it whatever you please, I call it madly in love. I'm giving him as much space as I can but this whole situation is so heartbreaking and sad.

ERRRRRRR. Spell check won't work. Deal with it.