I Miss You This Much

Today was fun, I guess. Went to the Christmas parade in town. Definitly small town USA! Mom did very good there! She even recognized 3 people from a distance, sat when she needed to, and was just generally easy to deal with today.

I made us a nice dinner today. Everyone basically liked it. Miracle. Yes, the chicken was cooked all the way.

We just got done spending about 2 hours working on indoor holiday decorations. Jo was really pissing me off. She wouldn't help. Mom & Dad bitch about it, yet don't make her help. I'm sure we will spend more time tomorrow working on indoor decorations. Dad is working weekends right now, so who knows when/if the outdoors will get done and who knows when we will get a tree. I also have to find time to help get my Grandma a tree. If I didn't have enough things going on in my head.

Can't decide if I am going to church tomorrow or not. I still have an attitude probably about last Sunday night.

I decided it isn't fair to myself or anyone right now for me to attempt dating. I have way to many issues within my head regarding ST. My ability to trust anyone in any aspect is 100% gone. I have a wall built up to the entire world. The one & only person that I totally trusted with my everything killed my ability to trust anyone in any way. I can't date when everyone's every thought, move, word, etc will get compared to ST (and will come up lacking to ST.) In a few other past relationships it was easier to finally, really get over the person because they were assholes. ST is not. ST is a good guy. I miss him dammit. Some day, the pain will ease, I pray.

Mom talked to JJ and my phews tonight. I talked to TOY for a few minutes. He's just to cute. He wants a drum set and guitar for Christmas. Its up in the air if they will be around for the holidays right now. Their cousin Justin, is fighting his last days. The entire situation breaks my heart.

Okay, going to pray. Peace dudes.