Hold Out

So...this post was originally handwritten Sunday 02/05/06 between about 10:45-14:15. I'm going to keep it in its purest form and I'll add more at the end or another entry.

************
So, I start this the old fashion pen & paper way from Cincinnati & I'll (hopefully/maybe) transfer it later. Obviously if you are reading it, I transferred it.

Mom is still in the hospital. No clue when she'll home, maybe tomorrow but they originally said on Thursday that she would be on yesterday. I have myself so shut off, so numb to Mom issues right now. I guess its my survival tactic, if you will.

As I said, I'm writing this from Cinci, from ST's kitchen talbe more specifically. He's still sleeping. Yes, Detroit is having the biggest party of my life and I take off 5 hours south.

My converstations with ST had been very hit or miss lately. Well, Thursday evening, after Dave's viewing, I talked to him a lot. He told me he'd be home and free for me to come visit this weekend. I hemmed & hawwed, not really giving him an answer. I didn't have a reason to stay in MI but I didn't have a reason to come down either, except maybe the change of pace, the escape I've been needing mentally. Really, where better for me to go (that I can afford, cause I am sure Ireland or Hawaii would be nicer!) where I am with the person that understands me best in the world by far. So, at about 20:00 Thursday night I was like "I'll probably come down but nothing for sure yet." I was leaning towards going down, but I still had to bounce the idea off my Dad.

Well, fast forward about 4 hours, about midnight now & SML wants to start a fight or whatever (the closest thing to fighting we do, cause really we don't fight...I'm just always right. ;-) ) regarding ST. I KNOW ST & SML will never get along. SML was on a ST-bashing rampage, which in my head, just makes ST stock go up. I'm going to Cinci for sure. So, Friday morning I call my Dad at work, while I'm at work. Get the latest scoop on Mom (mind you, she can't really have vistors and she is 1.5-2 hours from home) and then ask Dad if he cares if I go to Cinci. Dad's words floored me. "Go sweetie, maybe it will clear your head, your stress, depression & anxiety that has had us concerned. Have fun, be careful, & safe. Call me when you get there." WOW. My Dad is so odd lately. That's not the reaction I was expecting but it works. So, the rest of Friday, I'm SO giddy to get out of work & LEAVE. Time was moving backwards. Blondie deserves a big gold friendship star for Friday. To deal with my giddiness and for getting excited and happy for me...she rules.

Thankfully, I live out of my car for the majority. I had enough stuff with me that I didn't really need to go home, I left straight from work for the long drive! Normally ST makes it in 4-5 hours with 1 stop with minimal traffic. So I braced myself for 5 hours for sure. Traffic wasn't bad at all (leaving at 16:00 I thought for sure it would be hll) I only stopped 1 time (yes ONE!). Miracle, I know. I made it from my work to ST's place in 4 hours and 32 minutes.

So, I get here, look around his place, its nice. Its much larger than he made it sound (maybe because Ann got him to decludder when they were living together. Another miracle! Good job Ann!) Its a very homey feeling place, not like most 1 bedroom apts for sure. We talk and chill for a litte bit. I'm hungry, he's hungry. We take off to grab some grub & drinks. Buffalo Wild Wings! YAY! I love their food! We get drinks and order our food. The food took for freaking EVER to come out. 2 Smirnoff Ice before my food came out and I was damn near under the table. We ate, drank, and talked for a long while, lots about work, a little about everything else. Got back here and just hung out and watched some TV. It was after 01:00 when I crashed. During my sleep, I had a dream about my friend's husband dying. NOT COOL!

Of course, I was awake for good before 09:00. Sleeping beauty slept and slept. I was getting bored & crabby. Finally at like 13:00 ST rolled out of bed. I forgot he doesn't wake up well & kept thinking something was wrong or he was mad at me or something for like an hour. Wahooooo! NBC has a national broadcast of the Wings/Avs game at 14:00. Watch the game, then do some shopping. YAY! ST is mean though :-) He wouldn't let me go in DSW! Jerk! Its not after 18:30, if we go grocery shopping and cook we won't eat until about 21:00. I'm getting crabby cause I haven't eaten in a long time, didn't get my nap, and am a girl. We decide to just go out to eat. Nice Mom & Pop gig. It was cool.

Then what to do, on a Saturday night in a city we know nothing about and know VERY few people. I call up my friend from HS, Lerch. YAY!! She's free to hang out!

So I stopped writing for a while & went and jumped in bed wit the cutest, sweetest, nicest, snottiest, meanest, biggest smart aleck in all of OH. I just wanted to lay there and watch him sleep, that latest about 15 minutes and then I was catnapping. During my cat nap, I had a dream about Strawberry milk receipes. I don't even LIKE strawberry milk!

Now, back to last night (while I wait for Sleeping Beauty to wake up and stop being a crabby morning person...even though its well past morning!)...ST & I drive to Lerch's house. Pick her up & head to KY. I'm SO excited to be in KY. Really, from Lerch's house to were we hung out in KY might have been 10 minutes (from ST's to Lerch's was maybe 15 minutes). The place we hung out at was really cool. If (when) I come down in warmer weather with more time, I could see us haing out there more. We ended up just chilling at GameWorks, drinking, talking, catching up. ST was such a great sport. While he knows Lerch (hell, he even went on a date with her one time!), Lerch & I know each other better and go WAY back. It was SO nice! She understands and respects ST & I the way we are, the way I wish others did. I also got to vent, explain & get some answers (not alot, but more then ever before) regarding Ann. I feel a lot better now that ST udnerstands my issues aren't personal attacks on Ann, my issures are within my head regarding ST having a serious relationship with anyone other than me.

Things I don't like about ST's apartment...the kitchen table doesn't have good lighting (he hasn't found anything he likes yet), there is no lock on the bathroom door, there is no fan/vent in the (window-less) bathroom, and the toilet is the kind where you have to hold down the handle until it flushes.

Yes, I'm boucing all around for a reason, avoiding in depth emotional stuff, like I do all the time latlely. ST is such a combination of sweetheart & butthead. He's laying on the couch, I leaned over and kissed him on his forehead & he grabbed me, I start to jump/pull back cause I was going to get flicked, tickles, or just messed with. He was like "I was being nice, I was going to hug you." ;-)

Part of me feels like he's trying to kick me out, yet I know he's doing it for my physical & mental safety. I thought about watching the Super Bowl here, sleeping like 4 hours and driving straight to work, but he's vetoing that idea cause I don't function well tired. I feel like I have so much to say, so much I just need to lay on the table with him, yet I feel myself holding it in. Why make things worse on myself. Okay, I'm going to shower & regain myself.

***************

That's the end of what I wrote Sunday morning/early afternoon. More shortly...

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!