Did You Know

Yesterday afternoon/early evening, I started freaking out about everything. I could tell a panic attack wasn't far off, so I took a handy dandy Xanax (which I HATE taking them, for my own reasons, but know they help me much more then they harm me.) Everything went fine, my night turned out okay & panic free. I got a decent nights sleep. I was in bed & asleep before 21:00.

Fast forward to 08:00 this morning. I called my Mom, from work, like I do at about 08:00 everyday. Converstation was the same normal daily blah blah blah. Did you take your meds, what are you doing, how are you feeling, work is work, what are your plans for today, etc.

Now, I'm planning on going home today. I'll get home at about 16:00.

Mid-October, I was GREATLY offended, hurt, & upset by something that Pastor D said during service. I haven't been back to his Church since. He left me a voicemail once, I haven't called back. He's sent group emails and I've never replied. I have nothing nice to say, so until I do, its best to have NO contact with him. It was brought to Pastor D's attention that he did offend many, so its not like he doesn't know.

So, Mom tells me Pastor D is coming over at 16:00 today. Panic attack right away. Get off the phone with Mom. Take a Xanax. (Note, its been about 15 hours since I took the last one & the bottle says I can take 2 daily, as needed). I don't know what happened when I took that pill, but it was a feeling I don't want to deal with EVER again. I'm guessing its similiar to being high or stoned or whatever from taking to many Xanax, the way I know some people have/do. SCARY. I couldn't talk right, I could barely walk, I couldn't think, I was in a HUGE fog. I ended up leaving work at 10:00. Came back to my friend's house, ate lunch, and passed out HARD for about 4 hours. I still feel slightly foggy. If the Xanax's is going to do that to me again, I'm done with them! I'm calling Dr. R ASAP tomorrow morning. I need to know if this feeling is "normal" when taking 2 pills so close together. I need to talk to him, maybe I need to be on a more everyday type axiety pill (but I'm determined Paxil, while it works great for me, is the work of the fuc*king devil)

So, now I'm at my friend's house. Not going to Church tonight, which makes me sort of sad, but I'll get over that. I have to say, my friend is the most caring, supporting, loving person in the world. I called him about 5 minutes after I took my pill this morning, while still crying, and struggling to breathe/talk normal from panicking. I need to ask/tell him I was coming back here. He says "Sure sweetie, you can go back home. You know you are always welcome home." I love that he calls it my home too, but I won't call it that (yet). He then went on to apologize that he's got a long work day & then funeral/family stuff to deal with after work. About 30 minutes later, he called me back at work, just to remind me he loves me. Then this afternoon, (which is what woke me up from my hard solid long nap) he called again to check on me and remind me he loves me. Awwwwww. How sweet.

I'm chatting with Favorite Aunt, online, right now. I love her to death & she's my favorite, but sometimes she annoys me. Guess we all do that to each other sometimes.

I figured out how to get into my AOL messageboards from my friend's house today. YAY!!! You have NO idea how excited that makes me!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!