My Mom's parents are here. Gma isn't the problem, but Gpaw. We know I hate him. We know my life will get easier when he dies. I'm already not in the good place mentally so I have NO ability to deal with him. I'm in my bedroom sitting in the corner, with the door locked. I texted Jo to let me know when they leave. I wanted to get out of the house before they got here but I haven't felt the best today.

Other events going on, which I've been (I think) very blank about. Its difficult because as much as I try not to judge, sadly, I think its human nature that we do. Someone is doing something that, morally, I 100% disagree with. I disagree with this persons choices on for MANY reasons but the one moral reason is driving me NUTS. As bad as this sounds, cause I'm feeling evil, I can't wait for this to explode into a bloody mess for this person. Of course, the nice person in me prays I'm wrong. Especially cause when (I mean...if. LOL) it turns into a bloody mess its going to involve me helping to pick up the pieces...but really, I don't think I'll be able to help pick up the pieces cause this person deserves this mess for not thinking things thru.

As I told others recently...part of the problem in my life is I tend to OVER think things and that stands in my way a lot in life. I know the world would be a boring place if we all did things MY way.

Whatever. It shall be interesting to watch this unfold.

In all seriousness. I wish these people the best.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

I have been doing better lately, not well, but better. Anxiety has been a bigger problem than the depression. I had a bad panic attack on Sunday. First one I can remember in a LONG time. The way I described it to my friend was it felt like someone was wringing the blood out of my heart, yet crushing it at the same time. It started out of no where, while in the shower and continued for a long time...like an hour or two.

Lots of my stress & anxiety has been tied to money (or lack of!) lately. See, I haven't gotten any unemployment money since, I believe, 01/09/09. Add on that there was a problem with my credit union debit card and it was a mess. After trying for numerous days, I finally got through (via telephone) to Michigan's Unemployment agency and the problem has been corrected. I should have 4 weeks worth of money tomorrow and 2 weeks worth of money Friday. JACKPOT! It will be nice to be caught up again. I have roughly $9 cash and negative money in my checking account. (Auto insurance is automatically scheduled to come out, well the unemployment money didn't go in..and then you get a negative balance plus at $25 fee or something like that)

The unemployed gig is a real PITA. I want a job, any job. Not working is killing me mentally. I sit in this bedroom probably 12-20 hours a day. UGH. I KNOW when I am busier I do better mentally.

I grew up with the idea of "Stick & Stones" being drilled in my head. Sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you. Being an OVERLY emotional person this was (and still is!) very hard for me. My Dad thinks that anything anyone says shouldn't cut. Well, I'm being cut a lot lately. To the point of tears as I type this. Bite my tongue, I will.

Parents & Jo are at the gym currently then on their way to Church for a bible study. I wish I could go to the gym. Financially, its NOT possible. Hopefully soon, but doubtful. Working out at home has NEVER worked for me. I might do good for a week or two...but nothing long term. I miss the gym. I really miss my gym in the city, but if I could get back to the gym out here even it would be nice. The bible study my family is going to tonight, I don't want to go to. Its led by the Pastor of the Church (kinda my Church)...and I don't like/trust him any longer so I wouldn't be comfortable in a bible study led by him for sure. I miss David's Friends. I made great life long friends through that group. I want that back. I know it won't happen but a girl can dream. I hate that there isn't anything mid-week Church wise that I can/will go to.

God is love!

Burnin' Up

So many things on my mind. Its almost 5am and I can't sleep. It doesn't matter if I nap or not, if I take drugs to help me sleep or not, I just can't "sleep" like a normal night. Like 6 hours straight (especially between midnight and 6am) is VERY VERY rare! Seriously...driving me nuts lately.

I can't stand double standards. Its been a hot button issue with me for as long as I can remember. Lots of those going on lately and I am doing everything in my power to not explode. Keeping so much bottled up lately isn't healthy but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I'm talking to a new boy. I use the word talking loosely. I don't have a clue where things are headed, but whatever. Its fun. I love having someone paying attention to me. Sad but true. I'm afraid to even mention it because that will surely jinx things and mess them all up!

Last night, I hung out with my cousins. They rock. Actually they are my Dad's cousins kids. It kinda makes me sad that I am closer to these kids then I am my own real cousins and can relate to them and stuff. The only cousin I had that I ever really related to died. DIED. Died 13 years ago. And they aren't kids...they are 18 & 21 and did I mention they rock? The 18 year old was playing the roll of my body guard all night. Fun times.

God is love!

Its not a big hidden thing that I am suffering from a huge round of depression.  HUGE.  I just wish people got it.  I choose to not answer my phone, I choose to only talk to those that I am VERY close to.  I choose to eat very little, I choose to sleep alot.  Its my survival mode.  Of course, I don't want to survive this...but something or someone is forcing me to.

God is love.

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I am stressed and depressed like normal lately.  Dealing with most people is like nails on a chalkboard.  SERIOUSLY.  Biting my tongue is one of the hardest things for me to do.  I hide from people as much as possible.  I just want to cry and sleep all day.  I just want a way out of this world.

I wish I could *snap* out of this but its NEVER that easy.  Right now, a lot of it centers around not having a job/money...but like always, that's not all that's going on.  I have also learned that with money comes stress so I don't expect money to fix my problems.

God is love.

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