Until My Heart Caves In

Things I've learned at Church lately:

We are aliens.
Pastor D wants to be skinny with big boobs in his next life.
Red jokes aren't going to end anytime soon.
The answer to anything can be technology.
We are VERY forgetful people.

Tomorrow, I've got a long day. Work then rushing to Gma's to see if the library called, if so rushing there to pick up the books I ordered, then rushing to favorite Aunt & Uncle's house to babysit. Let's just hope I don't have to fit a trip to the doctor in there. A fun day of work followed by babysitting 2 & 4 year olds. Why do I subject myself to this birth control when I don't even need it right now? Yes, I view babysitting as one of the best types of birth control out there!

I'm trying really hard with this out of sight, out of mind gig regarding Red, but its not working. I miss him. :-( I miss him as MY FRIEND, the first one of the David's Friends that I really bonded with, the one I trust the most, the one I have the most fun with, the one I'm the most comfortable with. Yada yada yada. Of course, I miss him as my eye-candy friend too. There is something that feels so right when I am with him. I know some stuborn part of me is doing everything I can to put a distance/brick wall up regarding/towards Red lately, when really I'd marry him & move to IL next week for him.

There is a concert coming to our area (basically...about an hour away from farmtown USA) that I would LOVE to go to. Its only $20, that's not the hard part. Its on a Tuesday night. Why do they have concerts on weeknights? One of the bands playing Jo & I saw in July, but I'd LOVE to see the headliners sing Big House...it would be worth $20 just for that song. We shall see what the up coming weeks hold. I need to hit the lottery. Maybe I could win tickets...that would be cool.

I shouldn't be on the computer, I know its not good for my eye right now, but yeah...addict, I know. :-) I'm in a decent mood. YAY! :-)

That's all she wrote.

The Bleeding Heart Show

Its Wednesday! YAY! Tomorrow is my last work day then I have 5 days off. WAHOOO!

I'm praying that I don't have to go to the doctor tomorrow. My left eye is bothering me. A couple of years ago, I got a terrible eye infection and from what I remember, it started the same way. Of course, the cheap ass in me doesn't want to go to the doctor until its really bad BUT I don't want to end up at the ER or something while up north.

I'm so tired, I'm tempted to not go to David's Friends tonight, but that's not me...especially since Church rotation is starting VERY soon, Dad keeps saying.

The plan is the 4 of us that live in my house are going up north Friday, but since gas is now at $3.36 a gallon (in our farmtown, I did see it for $3.19 in the city) we are taking Jo's car. LOVELY. 4 people, TONS of stuff, & a dog in a car. EEEEEK. This family hasn't travelled in a car in years. Give me my SUV or big huge pick up truck for traveling please.

Things to pack...CD Player & LOTS of batteries, books, and a shotgun!

T out.

Just To See You Smile

I'm at the library. :-) Of course, the books I want the most, I have to order. Of course, I don't know how to order them, EEEEK...I gotta ask for help. I hate asking for help.

There is major sugar going down at work. I don't have details yet, but I should within the next 24 hours or so. Looks like benefits are out, along with our longivity bonus, shift premium is jacked, and attendance bonus is screwed with too. All that talk I keep doing about looking for a new job MUST become a reality. SOON. VERY SOON.

I'm looking at my buddies' wedding pictures. The wedding I missed for a softball tourney that we did terrible in. They are so cute, so happy, & so in love. I long for that again. Blah blah blah. Someday. I'm done being mushy. I'm *SO* beyond happy for them!

Last night I went up to the bar with SML & some of his friends to watch the Lions get their butts handed to them on Monday Night Football. It was outside of my box to go, but I went & I enjoyed myself so much. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. My cheeks still hurt from laughing so much.

I've had enough of this library.

T out.

What A Girl Wants

Its fine that I can't sleep...but someone PLEASE make Mom sleep.  I wonder if sleeping issues/patterns are hereditary.  Mom, her parents, & 2 brothers all have sleep issues, just like me...except I like to take naps when I can.  I'm not crazy like them, and sleep 2-4 hours a night and try to run on that all the time.  I think I'm going to need a nap today.

Dad has went in & out at least 4 times now.  Its not winter, its not like he had to start his car early.  Just leave.  If I were to go in & out that much, he'd be sugaring.  No wonder Mom is wide awake.

Peace, love, & naps to all.

Jesus Walks

I can't sleep. I've slept like crap lately. I'm just a gem to deal with lately and toss no sleep onto that. Its VERY annoying. Since I have to have a reason for everything, I think the changes coming at work this week are the biggest reasons I can't sleep.

I'm so glad I live in MI, at least, when there are crazy things going on like Hurricane Katrina. I'm glad I live in MI until winter comes and I have to drive in snow. I love snow, its the driving in the snow that I hate.

Even if I'm not in a good place this week, I need to make an effort to call ST. He'll deal with me & my attitude problem. Even if I have to keep the converstation breif, I know he'll understand. I need to make sure I'm putting some effort into being his friend & keeping communication open.

I'll be staying in the city for a few days, so unless I go to the library, I won't be blogging...but I do need to go to the library. The library I go to in the city is the coolest library ever. Jo's jealous of my library. Yep, I'm a library nerd. I get excited about going to the library, says the girl that doesn't really like to read. Why do I feel the NEED to go to the libraray, when I have so many books here started? The joys of reading what I want, when I want, because I want.

Yes, I'm a tad weird. Its all about my life outside the box.

T out.

Gold Digger

I'm alive. Feel like I'm treading water, with my head just barely above the water, sinking under every now and then for a second or two.

After lots of talking & confusion, if Mom continues to do as well as she's been doing, we are going up north this coming weekend. One day at a time. I don't have my hopes up, because I really don't care what we do. I've got mixed feelings about it. I've got mixed feelings over just about everything lately.

At Church this morning, I couldn't get to where Jo was sitting without having to go directly past Red's Dad. He stopped me, we talked for a few minutes. He kept going & going & going (thankfully Church started, otherwise he would have went on LONGER) about how things will work out, his son being away, the contact I have with his son, etc. Then after Church, I talked with Red's older sister some. Its so nice that things aren't ackward like I was fearing. Red's older sister is supposed to come over this week with David, to visit. It makes me want to bang my head against the wall. God's plan. God's time. Yada yada yada.

I slacked off today & didn't go to evening service. I had stuff to do & just didn't get motivated quick enough.

Back to the grindstone tomorrow. I need to be there 10 hours (which is really 10.5) each day this week. Tuesday, Grace wants me to promise her that I won't work more then 07:00-16:00 on Tuesday, but we shall see. She REALLY wants me to only work my 6 set hours. Thankfully, I'm staying at Gma's a lot again this week, so I don't have to worry about driving forever after a super long day. My job changes greatly tomorrow, I'm nervous & excited. I'm giving up control over my biggest task. I trust the person that's taking it on, I'm just a control freak. Thankfully, this person knows when she's in over her head & won't hesitate to ask for help when needed. The first few days of any changes are always a headache. Toss in that Jess & Grace are off on Tuesday & I'm in for a FUN day.

Dad said today that we are going to have to start a rotation about going to Church. Meaning that when Mom can't/won't go (which right now, she can't...but hopefully that will be changing very quickly!) 1 of us stays home, 2 go to Church. For the great majority, Jo & I have been going to Church, leaving Dad home. Its not fair to him. He made it sound like it was mainly for Wednesday nights. Doh! Don't take my David's Friends from me! Jo has class on Wednesday nights this semester, so that means, I'd only be able to go every other week. :-( I guess, if we look at 3 services a week, that should mean we all get to go to 2.

That's all she wrote.

Wondering

I emailed a post here hours ago & its no where to be found. Figures. Yes, I sent it to the correct address.

I've got an attitude problem today. Mainly because little things aren't going how I expect them to. Plus, quality sleep is lacking and we all know what that does to me.

The magic $27 check decided to reappear this morning. YAY! Now, out of no where, Jo's telling me that Dad says she gets $12 of it. Interesting. Why did no one tell me that Friday? If she really is supposed to be getting it, she only gets $10 now, because of the mess with the key FOR HER. Plus, I'll just subtract it from the $$$ she owes me.

T out.

Clear Blue Sky

I slept for crap. I don't feel like going to Church. I have about 2 hours worth of housework & 10 loads of laundry to do today. I'm just chipper.

That's all she wrote.

Jeans On

I was going to post that I have my first real fan, but as I was thinking about that, that would be a lie. My online buddy Rhi added me to her links! I was thinking she was the first one to do that...but SML added me months ago when he first created his blog.

I'm enjoying doing 100% of nothing tonight. Toying around online, catching up on stuff, chatting with Shell's Mom.

I was going to do some scrapbooking but I'm afraid I'll get to emotional. I've got pictures from David's Friends that I'd like to scrap but then, it reminds me that I miss someone more then he wants to believe. I'm still deciding what I want to do with the ST stuff. I'd like to scrap it because it was such a great, happy, loving time in my life, but yet its just memories and without the love being there still (its there, but its VERY different) I don't know if I can do the pages justice. Okay, so I guess there's my answer. I am going to work on the current stuff...keep current, because then it will be true to how I feel. My scrapbooking goal was 365 pages for the year, I think I MIGHT have done 20. I'm such a slacker. I have all the excuses. Can tell who I spent my summer hanging out with, huh Jo?

I'm trying to pay my cell phone bill online, like I've done for the past oh...3 years basically...thru the same cell phone company and now its being stupid. Gotta love mergers. Have I mentioned I need to hit the lotto? Its a good thing I didn't get my hair cut or oil changed like I wanted to the other night! Crudddddd...how much money did I put in my gas tank? I can't remember?!! I think I'm staying at Gma's all week again. I don't know why I ever think I'm going to get ahead in life. Oh wait...I'm going to be happy about things. At least, I have a job & car. I think I need to go back to being SUPER anal and budgeting my checking account to the penny again, but the issue is I have so many things that come out automatically now, I don't remember them all.

So, that $27 check I lost, I'm just out $27. That bites. Its not a lot of money, but it is. Its a tank of gas & a lunch. Oh well. I've said it before & I'll say it again. If money problems are my only problems in life, I'm doing good. Mell said something on Wednesday about a hospital bill he received. I wish I could remember what he said, but he was SO right. It all boils down to...its only money. ;-)

My Dad owes me $5 from a bit today. We was silly enough to bet me about JJ's car. He bought me a book at my Uncle's Church's fair today. So, either I owe him $5 now or he still owes me $5 (since the book cost $10). I'm not sure...if he bought the book to buy me that book, or cause I didn't have $ on me. Of course, I'll bug him for the $5 tomorrow and if he mentions the book, I'll call it even. That's how we work. Yes, we fight over $.25 in this house. Normally a quarter is a bet...what a goof, he bet me $5!

Weeeeee. Life is good. God is good.

T out.

Pumping Sunshine

Pumping Sunshine. LMAO! Dr Phil said that last night on (a rerun) Jay Leno. I'm still laughing about it.

I commented to SML last night that "I hate that I hate life so much lately." Its not that I hate life. I hate that the SLIGHTEST things get me all angry & stop my ability to function as a normal human. Example...Jo & I were running errunds last night. God only knows how a $27 check from my Dad disappeared. We torn the car, our selves, and our purses apart. The check is GONE. It stopped my ability to get the rest of my errunds done. No bank, no library, no oil change, no hair cut, no good dinner, nothing. I know I'm not a very flexible person to start with, but really, this total ridge gig as of late has got to calm its butt down.

Mom's doing okay, she's just TERRIBLY unstable physically. She's fallen at least 2 times in the past 16 hours. That's falling while using the walker. My Mom has always been a cluz, but seriously this isn't cool.

I had a nice talk with my Dad this morning. I am 100% done doing stuff FOR my parents, to help them out, to get screwed over by Jo. Until they FORCE her to get a license & job, things aren't going to get an better on that front. I know she works her butt off dealing with Mom, but the fact that 2 weekends in a row, my plans have gotten jacked up because of her, I'm DONE. Dad agreed & respected my position. I'm glad Dad & I could talk calmly & respectfully about the issues, because I was at my wits end.

Lots to do...so little time.

T out.

Down On The Farm

Why did I stay awake until well after 01:00?

I hate being a girl. HATE. IT. MAJORLY.

Never say never.

Work is my friend. In theory, I'm working 11.5 hours today.

T out.

Walk Like A Man

I've always been good (and a tad anal) about writing thank you cards. I have to write Red's family (mainly his mom) one. Its so silly, I'm nervous about it. I carry on all kinds of conversations with this lady, but writing a thank you card is a challenge. The strangest part, no laughing at me, I address everyone in that family by 1st name...except her. (I usually avoid calling her anything) So, do I write...Mrs S., Red's Dad, & Red's sisters or what? These are the things that keep me up at night. I think I'll just write...S Family?!

I forgot to mention...I'm playing football this fall! YAY!!!

No...no...NO! Not THAT kind of football, fantasy football. Again, its all K's fault.

Less then a month until NHL starts. Wahoo. Hockey & football, heavenly.

So, 1 load of laundry just isn't getting done tonight. Last load that I'm doing is in the dryer. Bedtime was HOURS ago.

That's all she wrote.

When You Are Old

This is all K's fault!

-Would you rather find true love or $1 million? True love.

-Would you always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? I always say everything on my mind!

-Would you rather be gossiped about or never talked about at all!? Never talked about.

-Would you rather have stars in your eyes or eyes on the back if your head? Back of my head.

-Would you rather have x-ray vision or bionic hearing? Since I don't know what bionic hearing is...I'll go with x-ray vision.

-Would you rather be able to hear any conversation or take back anything you say? Hear any conversation.

-Would you rather end hunger or hatred? Hatred.

-Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie about your most embarrassing moment? This blog is about as close to a diary as ya'll will ever get. My most embrassing moment, I don't really know what that was...but I'm sure it wasn't THAT funny to make an entire movie out of.

-Would you rather be caught singing in the mirror or spying on your crush? Is there a difference between stalk & spy?

-Would you rather be a dog named killer or a cat named fluffy? A Cat named fluffy.

-Would you rather give up movies or music? Since I can barely sit thru movies...the answer would be MOVIES!.

-Would you rather be stranded on a desert island alone or w/ someone you hate? ALONE! I like myself.

-Would you rather get even or get over it? Not the most Christian answer...but truthfully, get even.

-Would you rather always lose or never play? Never play.

-Would you rather be forced to lie to your best bud or tell the truth to your parents? Tell the truth to my parents. Its all part of the ask/tell policy we have.

-Would you rather know it all or have it all? Ya'll should know by now...I already KNOW it all.

-Would you rather get 1st dibs or last laugh? Last laughs.

-Would you rather give bad advice or take it? Neither.

-Would you rather have sand in your shorts or water in your ear? Nummmmmmy. Sand in your shorts is GOOOOOOOD! Its a drink at Red Robins and its very dangerous.

-Would you rather forget your sunscreen or your sunglasses? I guess, sunglasses.

-Would you rather kiss a jellyfish or step on a crab? Neither

-Would you rather own a ski lodge or a surf camp? Ski lodge.

-Would you rather forget who you are or who everyone else was? This question is a little to close to home. If I forget who I am, then how will I know who others really are? I mean, will I know they are my brother/sister/cousin/friend/dog/elf?

-Would you rather have 1 wish granted today or 3 wishes 10 yrs from now? Since that's NEVER a possiblity, I'll say neither.

-Would you rather have 1 song playing in your head forever or have to say "like" before every sentence? This is the song that never ends. It goes on & on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, they'll continue singing it forever, just because this is the song that never ends... It goes on & on ...need I say more?

-Would you rather give up your computer or your pet? PET!

-would you rather be the sand castle or the wave? Wave

-Would you rather overthrow a dictatorship or lead one? Overthrow a dictatorship.

-Would you rather write the worst book in history or record the worst song? Record the worse song.

-Would you rather get free chocolate for 1 yr or free potatoes forever? For as much potatoes as my family eats...the potatoes!!!!!!!!!

Alcohol

I'm a tad mad at myself. Let me explain...

The beginning of the summer, I weighed myself at my Gma's one day (we don't really have a scale here, cause Jo's got issues). I was FAT! It had been a VERY emotional winter. Emotions=Eat. Winter=Don't move. So, I've been putting a small effort into losing weight. Nothing major. I didn't notice a change really, but I knew I wasn't making the issue worse. Well, in the past few weeks or so MANY people started commenting on me losing weight. YAY! Last week, at Gma's, I weighed myself again. I did drop some pounds! So, that gave me some will-power & I've been watching what I eat/drink even more & working out. If a small effort dropped as much as it did, imagine what I can do with a LARGE effort.

Then today comes, I ate about 3 servings of dinner to many...but it was SOOOOO good. Plus, I'm on my 3rd glass of soda to many. I couldn't tell you the last time I had THIS much soda in 1 day...its been months. Gag.

Back to being happy about my weight loss...Hmmm. Wonder if my skinnier jeans fit!?! I know my weight is going to be a struggle forever...but for now, YAY! Back to water & fruit tomorrow. ;-)

In theory, I've got a long night ahead of me. I've got 3 loads of laundry that still haven't hit the washer. But, as we all know, there is a HUGE difference between theory & reality. Anyone need to know the difference? ;-) I'll tell you again, Jo, if you want to know. The laundry NEEDS to be done tonight, so over the weekend, when I'll be here again, I can do household laundry. Joy. Plus, going to work naked is frowned upon at my office. Prudes.

David's Friends was okay tonight. Not great fun, but the message was great, the reason was great, like always. I'm in a super giggly mood. I walked in with my sunglasses on, so I didn't have to look at anyone really. If I was crying or rolling my eyes, that was on me. My notes from tonight are pretty funny. They go a little something like this..."Its quiet. Its never quiet in here. Red's not here. That's why its quiet! McSmile dyed her hair...its RED! No, T, not that Red. Red's not here. That's sad. Mell has his shoes off. Mell is sitting next to Jo. Jo doesn't like feet. Mell has his feet on the empty chair RIGHT by Jo. That's funny. I have my sunglasses on. Its messing with peoples minds. That's funny. Red's not here. That's not funny." Good thing I take a notebook with me...so I stay on task. Yep, that's ALL my notebook is for.

Always follow your gut instinct. If my gut, my Mom's gut, & my Dad's gut all says the same thing...it means we are all fat. ;-)

I had SUCH issues trying to print pictures tonight. My conclusion...I need a new (PHOTO!) printer. Computer Nerd Peanut Gallery...BUTT OUT!

I have a page full of pictures of Red sitting next to the desk right now. Awwwww. He's so cute. It was *so* good/cool/weird/interesting to deal with his family tonight, without him. I talked to his Mom tonight, on my own, by myself, by my choice! Why can't someone snap their magic little fingers and make this work out NOW or make me want to smack him?

Again, Happy Birthday Closet Alcoholic, SML! Love ya! ;-)

T out.

Plenty Of Room In The Family

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Its been an interesting ride this week. I'm alive still, that's a good thing.

For my faithful readers, especially those that know me IN REAL LIFE...CHILL OUT! When I mention FRIENDS without saying who they are, I usually have reasons for my MADNESS!

Before I forget...

Happy Birthday SML!!!!

I was going to take notes about things I wanted to blog about, but I didn't...so I have no idea what has been on my mind.

Ramblings...

I almost always have some type of nickname/shortened name for everyone. Last night, as I was hanging up with SML, I almost called him a name I used to call ST. A name that made NO sense, had NO meaning. It was just T randomness.

That looking for a new job idea, I've got to put that to action. I got a HUGE responsiblity added to me today, but of course, no extra $. I'm glad they think SO highly of me, to give me this new task...but I'm sick of all the responsiblity and no $. $ makes the world go round.

David's Friends tonight. Should be interesting...lots of comments about the BBQ last week & me & Red, I'm sure. Its the 1st David's Friends where I'll be Red-less. :-( Speaking of Red, Jo & I got a card in the mail from some people at our Church, because we weren't there on Sunday. "We knew we were going Red-less, didn't know that meant we'd have to be T & Jo-less too." Goofballs! When I got home from work today, Red's Dad was here. :-( I don't mean it like that, I was happy to see Red's Dad...he's a nice guy. I was just reminded how much I miss his son. Oh wait...I don't miss him, I don't care about Red. Yeah...that's it! So, really, I care, but my life is by NO MEANS on hold for him.

SML is a life saver, again. He came over Gma's house Monday night, after work and talked T off a cliff basically. I have NO idea what my issue was, but I was just flipping out. Welcome to my world.

I feel like I should call ST, to see how he is, to see how this moving to Cincinatti idea is going, etc...but I hate calling him sometimes. I'm a cruddy friend. I just have to be in a good place to deal with him and while I'm okay at the moment, I know I'm not in a good place.

I did lots of thinking & praying & just being in my little trip to Gma's. I have to remember I have 2 people I need to keep HAPPY...that's God & myself.

T out.

Just One

Where is my friend I was raving about in my last post? I've left messages and I haven't been called back. I need my friend to kick my butt & remind me I am strong & all that other good stuff.

Tons of W family drama. Jo seriously is thisclose to getting kicked out of this house. Something has to be done with her anger management issue and I mean NOW. JJ has some major issues going on. JJ is putting my nephews in major physical & mental messy situations right now. If you want to screw up your own life, that's FINE...do NOT screw up 7 & 10 year old kids lives!! I have NO problem being the one to call DFS (again). I'm SO thankful the boys only have to deal with her 8 days a month (if she actually takes them when she should)...but at this point, that's 8 days to many. JM & TOY deserve the best of the best and right now, their mom isn't even close.

2 of the 4 events I've been dreading are done. Red left for school without much fan fair. I don't miss him (yet) but I've been busy. Yep...we know when I don't want to think about things/deal with life, I keep myself insanely busy. Woodward Cruise actually was much more exciting then the past few years. I was BUSY the entire time I was there. I think my Dad knew it was rough on me in some Dad/T way. The company at the Cruise was cool, but I did miss ST a tad...but NOTHING I couldn't handle. My favorite part of the entire day though, was when my adorable 4 year old cousin came running at me, as fast as 4 year olds can run, and jumped into my arms. "T, I missed you SO much. I love you SO much. Hurry, we have to go on the Scooby Doo bounce house. NOW."

Events #3 & 4 that I'm dreading are quickly coming up. Labor Day weekend, still no clue what I'm doing. If I don't go out of town, I think I'll go to a free (well, gotta pay to park) Sawyer Brown concert. Then, Roe's Wedding. I'm going alone. Red really sucks! Completely alone. My partner in crime, SML, was going alone to...but he's got to work, or so I was told by Roe.

I used to be a person that prided myself on my independence. I LIKED being alone. I wish I could find part of that girl again. I've also learned I will NOT settle. I'd rather be alone FOREVER then settle!

I heard a great line on the radio the other morning. "I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I'm not." That's SO true!

At this moment, I believe I'm staying in the city until Wednesday after work...so no posts from me for a few days probably. Don't worry Mr Blogger, I'll be back.

That's all she wrote.

Bad Girls

Why does blogger make this nice bulleted list for me, then when I publish the post...the bullets are gone and the post is hard to read?!

Went to the Detriot Tigers game with Jo & 1 of her friends. Company was okay...that's what I get for not making plans the day I got the tickets. Game was great. I don't know the last time I saw the Tigers WIN and I usually go 1 time a year or so. Tigers won 17-6. They had like 7 runs in the 1st inning! Proves that miracles DO happen.

I didn't go to Church at all today, becaues of the Tigers game. SML, see...I don't go ALL the time!

Speaking of SML...reminder...his birthday is Wednesday. Don't forget T!

Over the past few months, a friend of mine, who I deeply respect & trust, has really opened my eyes to some things in life. This person is an outsider looking in, and this person has a great ability to help me see things I'm missing. This person, for reasons I don't understand, gives me strength & encouragement to do things that I don't think I can do. Its all very interesting. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

T out.

Friend Of Mine

I know I always say I'm exhausted and I always am...but this time I have a GOOD excuse!

I've been at The Worlds Largest Car Show for the past few days. For those of you that aren't Woodward nut cases, yes...its really only 1 day, but NOT for my family. Its a week long affair. I really fought with myself a few different times, for a few different reasons whether I was going or not this year. My plans changed, and changed again and again, but it all worked out. I'm glad I went! I didn't have my camera so no pictures...this year. The 3rd weekend in August next year, I'll be at the same place and my home base will be on the same corner. :-)

The short version of the past few days...

• Won tickets to tomorrows Tigers vs Blue Jays game. I have no idea if I'm going and if I go, who is going with me.
• JJ had to Mom-sit for the 1st time. Miracle, she admits that Mom is much harder to deal with then she thought, that Jo has a ROUGH job.
• Shell bought a new Mustang. I'm still in shock.
• My favorite Aunt's mom is about to pass away.
• Fought with Jo over a freaking carnival.
• Did some cruising with my favorite Uncle on Friday, in a car that he forgets is really MINE!
• Ate lots of great food that over 2 days, I spend $5.07 total on. (Gotta LOVE free food!)
• My feet are sore from walking SO much today. (Yes, I was FINALLY smart enough and wore my tennis shoes!)
• Did lots of bonding with Dad today.
• Had an awesome time on Woodward (like always!)

That's all folks.

Time Will Never Matter

I'm trying this posting via email thing again.  One day, I'll remember the email address, or maybe the smart thing would be to put it in my address book...but that would make sense.

***  SML's birthday is 08/24/05.  That's next Wednesday.  ***  I'm going to be posting that A LOT.  I need to REMEMBER!

Last night at the BBQ, Jo & I were taking lots of pictures.  I LOVE pictures.  Well, when my parents got home, my Dad decided he'd take pictures while we were playing volleyball.  My Dad, the multi-degree holding Engineer, is the DUMBEST SMART guy I know!  When I uploaded the pictures onto the computer, there were a handful of videos.  The pictures my Dad thought he was taking were all 2-15 second long videos.  Goof ball.

I need to learn how to post pictures here.  I tried before, but it didn't work that well.  Anyone want to explain it to computer moron me?

T out.

Its Five O'Clock Somewhere

I'm in a much better mood then I have been.

I was going back and forth about what I was doing this weekend. Then on the way home tonight, I was like "DUH!" and I had it all figured out. THEN, I got home and my Dad called me and totally changed my game plan...but hey, he's paying me to help him out.

So, for sure, I WILL be going to the Woodward Cruise, getting there by about 10:00, leaving when they kick us out at about 23:00. Fun stuff. My Dad is down there now, finding me a husband, and Jo one too. Of course, he knows they have to have nice cars. :-)

I don't feel like blogging anymore right now.

That's all folks!

Bonnie Portmore

Lots and lots to blog about...

ST called today, in the middle of the BBQ. My heart breaks for him. Out of NO WHERE, he lost his job on Friday. That SUCKS. It sounds VERY likely he'll be moving to Cincinnati. We both could have talked more, I think, but I had to cut it short cause I had plenty of people here. Part of me did a happy dance to hear him have bad news (the spiteful part that still has anger about him dumping me) but that was short lived. I want him to be happy, I want the BEST for him. I know how much money (or lack there of!) issues suck. I feel so bad for him. This came out of left field.

BBQ went super! Out of the regulars we were missing 4 (Thick, Little Troy, Red's oldest sister, and McSmile) but we had others too! Junk food & good company, doesn't get much better then that.

I'm sad over this Red situation. He has NO idea how much I'm truly going to miss him. Of course, there are computers and phones...but its not the same. His smile, his smirk, his evil eyes, his "HOW", his arms, his picking me up (and not feeling like I'm going to be dropped!), his everything. Jo told him tonight that we (him & I) need to take a communication class and he laughed it off. She's SO right. I wish I could just SHUT OFF my emotions. I wish I could just NOT care. Note: My life is NOT on hold for him. I care, but NOT that much. ;-)

Mom had her follow up appt with the surgeon. She's doing well but not as well as SHE thinks she is. She still on major drugs, can't do anything for at least another 4 weeks. She's crabby about it. She got to meet Mell tonight. She never knew who he was, but she told him, she probably wouldn't remember. She's so cute. (Mell is the only one she didn't know...which is odd cause he's around all the time!)

I've got pictures to play with.

More tomorrow...

T out.

If I Could Make A Living

Finding faults within yourself is never easy. Its much easier to point out everyone elses faults.

I hate HATE HATE that I'm so damn jealous. Jealous of physical & emotional things, things that in the grand scheme of life don't matter.

That's all she wrote.

Forget About You

SML just commented in his blog that I seem "so down and lonely." Lets just call him Captain Obvious! I know I'm in a funk, it will pass. I'll be fine...like always. I wish I could pin point my issues, but I can't...I think its a combination of life.

2 of the events that I really look foward to all year are screwed up this year. Without getting into the details, here's the issues. Woodward Cruise is just going to suck. I don't know if I'm going to go...but if I don't, I'll be here with JJ & my Mom. Labor Day weekend isn't happening. These are my 2 favorite events, BY FAR, of the year that involve dealing with Mom's family and they've gone to hell.

I'm whiny. I need to be grateful for things.

Tomorrow is (most likely) the last time I'll see Red for awhile. Oh wait...I was being grateful and I'm not grateful he's leaving. I'm SAD. I'm going to miss him.

I've always prided myself on my ability to be independant when need be...I need to find that part of me again and QUICK.

T out.

Gone Country

I decided to not try and kill myself today by trying to get everything done. So, I chopped the biggest thing off my list...my bedroom. I mean, no one should see it anyways...now I'll just make sure NO ONE sees it.

The only things I have left to do is hang the valance back up in my bathroom (its in the dryer at the moment) and then tomorrow (cause Dad's sleeping) is vacuum this room and the rug for my bathroom. It sounds like we should have 11 people for the last minute BBQ. Fun stuff.

T out.

In The Blink Of An Eye

Happy news...Gma won't be here for the BBQ tomorrow! YAY! The chances of Mom & Dad being home at 50/50, but they don't bug me nearly as much as Gma.

I'm in a decent mood today.

I figured out part of my financial issue. There is $130 that automatically comes out of my checking account every month...well, I forgot about it for ooooh...the past 4 months or so.

House cleaning, drama meeting, house cleaning. Fun fun fun.

T out.

Let Me Be

WTF! My blog is being spammed with (stupid) comments. I've seen plenty of people delete comments. So I went to the help section and read and re-read how to delete comments. Nope. Isn't working for me. I might be computer stupid, but I can read and follow (simple) directions. Nope...just NOT working. I'm left with stupid comments on my blog. I like comments, worthwhile ones...not spam comments. I would hate to have to turn my comments off completely, but if I continue to just get spam...its OFF they go.

Peace, love, and spam comments to all!

You Left Me There

With gas prices CLIMBING out of control like they are, the thought of looking for a new job has been on my mind a lot. I have a feeling its time I stop thinking about it and start looking. The thought of job hunting, resume faxing, and job interviews makes me want to vomit.

I was planning on staying at Gma's on Thursday night (see above complaint regarding gas prices) but my 2 cousins & Gpaw will be there. No thank you.

My house is a bunch of crabasses right now. Actually, that's an UNDERSTATEMENT. I'm beyond pissed at my Dad. I'm sick of getting yelled at when he's pissed at Jo. I'm sick of having to take the higher road & not scream & cry back at him.

I hate feeling like I'm not a good enough friend.

I hate when people think they've been in your shoes a million times before, yet you've NEVER been in theirs. NO ONE has EVER been in ANYONE ELSES shoes, things might be similar...but NEVER the same.

I feel bad for Jo. I know she'll argue with me all day & night...but its MY blog. She's got some of the lowest self esteem around. Until you are happy within your own skin, until you LOVE yourself, its IMPOSSIBLE to find love. Stop looking for it in all the wrong places. Stop trying to force it with everyone. Also, for reasons that are beyond my comprehension, you still care about some others a lot. Until that's gone & cleaned up, you won't be able to love openly & honestly. I know I'm not perfect (shhhh! Don't blow my cover!), but I've been thru the mud called love.

My Cousin's mom just called my cell phone. She's been divorced from my Uncle for a good...10+ years now. I don't like you, AT ALL, lady. You beat my Gma up. Some people might have forgot, but not I. You had an affair & child on my Uncle. Some people might have forgot, but not I. You dragged my Cousin & Uncle thru mud for years. Some poeple might have forgot, but not I. She needed to talk to my Gma, you know, the one she beat up. Gag me with a spork.

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. God doesn't give me more than I can handle.

T out.

He's Still The King Of Kings

I managed to fall back asleep for a little bit this morning. I was woke up by my Gma calling, 2 minutes before my alarm went off. I HATE WHEN I WAKE UP TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY ALARM CLOCK. I was in the middle of a strange dream and now I'll never know the end.

The dream went like this. I went to watch a guy from work (Chris, who I do NOT hang out with at all, barely talk to, I have NO idea if he plays hockey) play hockey. It was roller hockey, at a place I've never been to before. Turns out that Chris was playing on ST's team. ST is PISSED that I'm there. Ann (who looked NOTHING like the real Ann) starts chasing me around the place yelling at me about being there. Chris is trying to keep everyone calm. That's about all I remember but its been bothering me all day.

I haven't talked to ST in awhile now. He left me a VM hmmm...about 1.5 weeks ago, I think, with his new number but I haven't called him back. Maybe I should call him. In my spare time, I'll get right on that.

I said awhile ago that I've got some rough events coming up and I can tell I'm starting to get depressed regarding those events. What doesn't kill me, makes me STRONGER! God doesn't give me more then I can handle!

T out.

Immortal Combat

Sleep is my friend & we are fighting. I laid down at about 23:30 and I looked at my clock at 01:01, 01:30, 02:02, 03:10, 05:10. Those are just times I remember, God only know how many other times I was tossing & turning. The 05:10 wake up was a real shitty wake up. Panic attack. I hate those things. Seems like I'll go a month or so without them, then I'll have them a couple days in a row. I am stronger then them!!!! They will NOT control me.

Before I was going to sleep, I was researching flights to FL. Jo & I are going to FL, to visit my Grandparents (my Dad's cool parents) in early 2006. I just wanted to get an idea of how much the flights will be. Note: I've only flown to 2 times. In 1995, to & from Las Vegas. Jo has never flown. It appears like we can NOT get a non-stop flight. That's just NOT cool. Not cool at all!! We can't even get a flight with a layover, its going to be a plane change. The thought of that makes me sick. On top of that, if we fly out of the airport my Dad would like us to, its a 2 plane change flight. No thank you. Also, the closest airports to my Grandparents are roughly 1.5 and 2 hours away. Maybe I should just let my very well travel Gma W take care of everything.

Maybe I should try to get an hour of sleep. Ha.

I didn't realize until I was going to sleep last night, that my Gma will be here during our David's Friends BBQ. Not cool, NOT COOL AT ALL.

I need to remember what works for me, might not work for someone else. AND what works for someone else might not work for me!

T out.

Black, White, Tan

Nothing exciting to report. I'm feeling a tad down & out...but nothing that won't go away with a nice bath, some reading, and praying.

Church tonight was cool. I actually didn't talk to Red at all, at Church today. I feel like we need the rumor mill to SHUT UP. Things are going to happen because its the right thing for US not because we have tons of people telling us we belong together.

The BBQ is coming together. Talked to Pastor D, he knows he has to do the grilling. Little Troy is the only one to not get some type of invite yet. About 1/2 the group has offered to bring stuff, plus we got the meat for free...along with a box of cookies. YAY. It appears like all I'll have to do is clean. I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to take pictures! HEHEHE!

Oh yeah, at morning Church they showed a slide show from VBS. They had pictures of Pastor D & Big Troy, then Red & I racing threw the little kid obstacle course. Red's Dad (the official photographer) needs to be shot, then again...Red is the one that put the show together!

Back to the grind stone of work tomorrow. I WILL work my 7.75 hours...or so I say now. I will have my hours in come Friday when I leave, FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woodward Cruise is this coming weekend. Yeeeehaw!!!!

Sleep is MY friend.

T out.

One Of These Days

After talking to some important people, praying, and thinking...I've decided to write this letter to Red at my pace and not put a deadline on it. I've also decided I am 100% content with us being friends and just see what happens. Of course, its known I would like more...but I would rather us continue to poke around and guard our friendship then rush into something and mess things up majorly. Doesn't mean, I'm going to stop going on and on and on and ON about him.

It was decided late yesterday that Jo & I are hosting an end of the summer BBQ for David's Friends on Wednesday. Pastor D had been hinting at me about it all week long, that he wanted me to. So, in my spare time between now & Wednesday at 18:30, I get to clean my house (including my bedroom....EEKKKK) and get ready for a BBQ, possible bonfire...but its a week night. I love when I have good ideas and I act on them at the last minute.

Church starts in about 20 minutes, I should get out of my PJ's.

T out.

I Love The Way

I had a slight panic attack at about 07:30. Not cool. It didn't last long thankfully, but the feeling like someone is sitting on my chest, like I can't breathe, the terrible hot flash, the shakes, etc. just annoy me. I'd like to think I don't know what it was over, but I have my fair share of ideas. The always present money shortage, Red, and an upcoming BBQ that's happening at my house are the main things...I think. But then again, we all know thinking is very very dangerous.

Time to get ready for Church. YAY!

That's all she wrote.

Don't Stop Believin'

I need to realize I am NOT 12 years old anymore. My body can NOT handle fair rides, AT ALL! Why do I do things that I know aren't good for me? Note to all: NEVER ride the Zipper. Its what I imagine Hell to be like. 2+ hours since my last ride (I only went on 3), I still feel like crap. Jo says the Zipper wasn't that bad...but she's WRONG.

Due to piss poor planning on my part, Jo & I went to the fair alone...but we ran into my Army buddy (and his fiance), who is in from Germany for his wedding next Friday. So, we hung out with them and had a great time. Demolation derby was decent, rides sucked, people watching was some of the best ever, the company was terrific, so all in all...it was cool.

Went to the Pig Roast before the fair. It was okay, way to outside my social phobic box but I lived to talk about it. I still have about 2 loads of laundry left, and I still have a letter that needs completing. Like I said...its going to end up in the mail at this rate. Army buddy tells me I shouldn't write the letter, but whether or not I give Red the letter or not...I just need to write it for MY peace of mind!

I need a day OFF. My nice 5 day Labor Day weekend appears to be messed up! We are NOT going up north, to Gpaw's for Labor Day. Jo & I can't afford to drive 10+ hours to visit our friend Ryan. The Chicago area (say about an hour south) might be do-able. Then again, passing out in my bedroom for 5 days could be NICE!

Sleep is my friend.

T out.

You Are My Strength

I.AM.TIRED.

Fun night at VBS was a TOTAL BLAST!!!!! I think EVERYONE had a awesome time. Pies in Pastor D's face, adults racing thru kid sized inflatable obstacle courses, the color red stuff, burning popcorn, ice fights, etc.

Red now gets the exciting job of taking all the video & photos from the week and making a show. I can't wait to see the finished product.

Its getting noticable to everyone that there is something (what, I'd like to know!!!!!!!) going on with Red & I. So much for keeping things on the DL. ;-)

Plans for tomorrow...SLEEP, laundry, SLEEP, pig roast, SLEEP, work on my letter to Red, SLEEP, then probably the huge fair (with demolition derby!) with Red & maybe our sisters. Sunday's plans are similar to Saturday's. SLEEP, Church, SLEEP, Church, SLEEP! Of course, I'll eat some too and pee a few million times too.

T out.

Walk By Faith

I'm dreading AND looking forward to the end of VBS tonight. Yes, dreading AND looking forward to it! I'll post details about the kid stuff soon...and I'm sure more Red fluff too.

I still have completely composed a letter to Red. At the rate I'm writing lately, I'll be mailing it to him.

I'm such a NICE granddaughter! I was already well into my drive home today and Gma called & was locked out. So, I turned around, drove to her house and let her in. How nice of me! The not nice part of me wanted to make my 76 year old Gma sit outside in yucky heat for a few hours til my Aunt got off work...but I am NICE!

I had more to post...but I forgot. Damn sometimers!

Peace, love, and FOOD to all!

Old Town New

A few things from yesterday...

My Dad, Pastor D, Big Troy, and Red's Dad think they are a bunch of comedians!

--There were never endless jokes about being Red-less. It started as a joke between Pastor D & I, regarding our skits...but its SNOWBALLED majorly.

--Pastor D kept going about how he does wedding 1/2 off for members of his Church. So, then Dad & Red's Dad were like "They are BOTH members, so that's FREE"

--Red & I were playing catch with the balls the kids had been using for kick/dodge ball. Well, I was trying to pay attention to my OVERLY HYPER group of kids. I tossed the ball & Red can't catch. It hit him square in the youknowwherearea. So, then that got everyone going about 1) Me looking there (cause you throw where you look) and 2) Us being able to have kids.

I had a stupid dream that my Mom started smoking again. She's been smoke free for about 6 weeks now. That's a VERY long time for her. I woke up SO angry, in the middle of a panic attack over it. Then it just got worse, because it refueled tons of emotions I have about my Mom's relapses and my continous fear about Dad relapsing.

Work is calling my name. TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all she wrote.

A Girl Named Sandoz

I got golf clubs. I got golf clubs. I got golf clubs! YAY!

I also got a new book. People in the Bible by Woodrow Kroll.

My Gma & Gpa (Dad's parents) are SO awesome! I'd be lost without them! They've been my saving grace since I was an infant and still are today!

Tomorrow is the last night of VBS. I'm glad because its been DRAINING, but yet, I'm sad...cause it means less Red/T time. Oh well. 1 week. :-(

Oh yeah. I almost forgot! This is some of the BEST news EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll probably cry as I type this. Every time I tell someone, or hear someone talking about it, I sob! A few months ago, I posted about Jeremy having stage 4 cancer. Long story, short. 2 weeks ago they found a tumor on his brain. Not good. No where in MI would operate. So, they drove down to IN. Did some tests and there is NO brain tumor. Comes back to MI and has some more tests done before they are going to start his 4th round of chemo. He's 100% cancer FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Prayer is a VERY powerful thing. Our God is SO awesome!

Peace, love, and praise to all!

That's Faith

Nothing much to report.

Red is leaving next Friday bright & early, NOT Sunday afternoon as orginally planned. :-( I need this limbo game over before that! Either we are going to be JUST friends or we are going to be MORE.

I don't want to go to work, I'd rather sleep.

T out.

Happy

I'm trying my best this week to learn about 20 minute power naps. I am trying to realize they are better then nothing...but I'm tell ya'll a NAP of quality requires about 2 hours (plus 15 minutes, time to fall asleep!)

Gotta shower, then power nap. Yes, I showered this morning before work...but I'm a moron and didn't wash my hair right, so I feel gross & need to shower again. How does one wash their hair wrong? Well that involves shampoo, shampoo, and no conditioner.

I'm taking this Red situation to the alter tonight. I'm so confused.

T out.

Celebrity

I typed this last night but blogger wasn't working right...

* I wish I could shut off all emotions. I wish I was HAPPY being single forever. Now, while I am content being single for now, the LONG term idea doesn't make me happy.

* Jo just said that Red & I need to take a communication class. She's right. When I was leaving tonight, I told him I was mad at him but mad wasn't the correct word. Now, I feel bad for saying mad..I should of said hurt & confused! Oh well. I'll talk to him tomorrow & clear the air. I'm spending so much time with him right now, we are talking so much. I'm not sure if thats the best thing right now, with him leaving SO soon. I hate feeling like I care to much, like I care more about him then he does me. Things will NEVER work if its not reciprocal. I've already learned that lesson, the HARD way.

* Red doesn't like the fact that I am not passionate about anything. I don't think I am passionate about anything. Should everyone be passionate about something? Nerd alert, his passion is technology. He also complained that I don't smile enough. Interesting.

* I really feel like I need to write him a letter, like I talked about doing last week...but I'm SO freaking tired AND hungry, its probably not the best idea.

------

So, I did start a letter to him last night, 2.5 pages later, its still not complete, nor is the 2.5 pages written in any organization for me to give it to him.

Somethings gotta give.

T out.

Amazed

I should just go to bed. Don't blog when you are overtired or pissed off. Yeah...that's it.

Bed. NOW! For real. NOW.

Oh yeah, if you are the praying type...a buddy of mine, Patrick, needs prayers. :-) He's lacking in the faith department. I'll leave it at that.

Peace, love, and sleep to all.

Black Hole Sun

SML has me angry right now. I feel like he's trying to make ME feel guilty for his inability to control/seperate his emotions. Basically, he's telling me to kiss his ass & the friendship is out the window.

God's plan. God's time.

T out.

Amazing Love

Long day is an understatement. Only 4 more to go! Skit today wasn't as good as day 1, but good enough. Kids are enjoying themselves and that is what is important. There were 8 kids in my class today! 3 of them really blow me away with their biblical knowledge. 1 of the boys really has pulled away from the rest of the group. Today during rec time, he decided he didn't want to play with the other kids. So, we just sat on the grass & talked. I'm loving VBS. YAY!

I was driving home from Dad's (& Red's) softball. It hit me HARD, I've fallen, TOTALLY, for Red. I don't think this out of sight, out of mind gig will work. Somethings gotta give soon. I hate feeling like this is God's plan, because I thought something else was God's plan & it obviously wasn't. I've got to find time for Red & I to really TALK. This limbo gig is just starting to be to much.

Bed. Now. Oh wait...I still have TONS to do.

T out.

And I

I enjoyed myself so much tonight. VBS was cool. The skit went great! Red is great! Red saw us reherse 2 times before VBS started. Then about 3 minutes before we were really starting I ran over to Pastor D and said "Red needs to go to the other building. I can't do this with him here." Pastor D just laughed. Once I came onstage, Red was the only person in the audience (probably 40 people total...kid+adults) that I made eye contact with and it made me SO calm. I'm *SO* happy with how things are progressing, yet, so scared because he leaves soon. I really could go on & on about Red all night, but I'm not going to. I'm to tired.

The coolest thing about VBS, it means I get to at least see Red. Hehehe. My eye candy. :-) Pat's prayer...Pat's prayer. God's time sucks sometimes!

T out.

Rock Of Ages

I'm going to nap soon. Not a quality nap by any means...but I'll take whatever I can get.

I am going to get 2 loads of laundry done today. Better then a kick in the butt.

I'm a tad nervous about the skits tonight, but its all for God & in his hands.

All is better in the world of T & Red. YAY!!!!!!!! Red's so darn cute. Today, he did the computer stuff at Church, but from the 1st pew and he kept messing it up. Since he wasn't upstairs, I got to stare at him the majority of the service. :-) After Church, I caught up with him in the lobby and told him we needed to talk. The 1st words out of his mouth were "I'm SO sorry for Wednesday." He apologized! That's all he had to say. Of course, there was much more talking then that, but once he apologized all was forgiven. For the 1st time, I let him see me cry. (Crying because of Church stuff is different...this was like a personal cry) I felt bad cause he wanted to talk more but I had stuff to do. Tonight we get to do the VBS gig, so I'll see him then, but it won't be quality. I'm just so GLAD the tension is gone and we can go back to cat & mouse. What am I going to do when he leaves? 2 weeks. :-( The walls are coming down & he's leaving. ERRRRRRRRRR.

To quote part of today's sermon..."Have faith & it will happen."

Peace, love, and faith to all.

You

Back to my ranting about last night...since I didn't make a whole lot of sense earlier. I think I was able to really have a good time because I know I am finally over this ST situation. I don't long to be sitting at home with ST anymore. Plus, I just had fun. I can't believe I hadn't been out with Shell (& Cris) since mid June. That's WAY to long! Did I mention that Jay's hot lately? Hehehe. I'm so silly.

When I was woke up at about 08:05, I was drunk. More drunk then I was at 02:00. I'm to old to go out these days! A bottle of gatorade, 2 glasses of water and I'm fine. I am dreading the long day I am in for. I'm dreading the LONG week I'm in for. I should get ready for Church soon. I think I'm going to have to talk to Red, or I could continue to just NOT deal with things. Shoot...my alarm clock is going off.

My loser sister is coming over to clean today. Hopefully she'll actually do what she's getting paid for this time. Useless tool.

T out.

Only Hope

Let me start this post with HE'S FREAKING HOT! Nope...not him.

So, I am eating Burger King right now. Chicken sandwich w/ cheese w/o the chicken. Its not as good as it used to be. I don't think I've had BK in like a year!

I am SO glad I went out tonight!!!! One of the best nights out I've had in a LONG LONG LONG time! Strangely one of the best nights since ST & I broke up.

Hey I just found a hair on my Chicken sandwich. Oh well. It doesn't matter right now.

I'm sure ya'll want an explanation of HE'S FREAKING HOT! He's=Jay. He's a friend of Shell's friend. I actually socialized on my own, with someone of the opposite sex that I didn't know...but it was okay, cause he wasn't a stranger...cause he was a friend of a friend. It was outside of my box, but nothing terrible (and nothing a few drinks couldn't fix!)

Its past my bedtime.

T out.

Dare You To Move

Rehersal went well, not great, but well. This drama club gig really needs to change. Julie, the lady in charge, is on my LAST NERVE! I made it known to numerous people today. Hello...you are IN CHARGE, WHY did you call me TWO times to see what time rehersal was at today?!!

Pastor D & I had a few good converstations about life today. He knows I feel like I'm at a major crossroad in my life, and just haven't figured out the plan yet. I also, let him know how I felt after last weeks sermon. My exact words about last weeks message was "Pastor D, I went home & told my Dad that I felt like we ALL got ripped new buttholes for 1.5 hours." I still have mixed feelings regarding Pastor D. I'm trying to trust him, but 1) I don't trust easily and 2) He's NOT Pastor M!

My life, my blog.

Pastor D also brought it to my attention, that he's aware that Red & I are having issues. Pastor D feels like Red & I need to stop playing "Cat & Mouse, and chasing each other in circles" already and decide what we want. This is all very interesting. Pastor D told me I can't be scared forever. What does he think I'm scared of? Who's talking to him about me?

Should I shave/shower now or after my nap? Should I call Shell & see when/where we are meeting now or later? I think she told me when/where but I don't remember. Should I watch TV or nap? I'm definitly napping...but maybe I'll watch TV 1st. The show I want to watch is on at 15:00. Nap 16:00-18:00, then call Shell, that should work. Gives me time to get ready & stuff and still be to the city to go out. Yeah...that's my plan, for now.

T out.

Bye Bye Bye

I'm a nerd.  I should go to sleep, but NO!  I'm wasting away at the computer, surfing thru IMDb.com's goof section. Funny stuff.  The part that makes me a real nerd, is that I'm going to watch the movies (tonight probably) and see if I notice the goofs now.  My addiction to IMDb.com is all K's fault!  There should be a 12 step program for it!

That's all she wrote.

Thriller

Without going into much details. I'm sad.

My cat, Bad, is sick. Its not good. I could cry...but I won't...yet.

The person that decided that 10:00 was a good time for drama rehersal in the morning, needs to be shot. Saturday is the only day I can sleep in, and I haven't been able to for the past month now. I just want to sleep until I wake up, one day a week!

I hate painful pimples.

T out.

The Boy Is Mine

ST is silly. He sent me an email yesterday at about 08:30, that simply said "McCarty is a flamer" (regarding my favorite hockey player, Darren McCarty). I have NO idea what that's about, where it came from...but it was a laugh I needed.

Dad's been bugging for the computer. Neither of us want to deal with Mom/house stuff. We are in for a long night. I'm napping soon. (Like when Dad really kicks me off the computer) Mom is doing VERY well!

Nothing new on the Red front. I'm still gathering my thoughts.

I'm going to be so insanely busy for the next week. My family is coming over Sunday (during my free 3 hours) to celebrate my Grandma's (not the one that's always here) birthday. When am I going to do my laundry? The things that stress me out.

That's all she wrote.

Thunder Rolls

I hate when I wake up just before my alarm clock goes off. I do this often & I still hate it. Its not like I wake up cause I'm refreshed & ready for my day...I just wake up. Yuck.

So, I did everything I planned on last night, except writing Red a letter. My thoughts were gather enough still & I know when I get sad/mad/upset its best that I don't say (write) anything until I've had time to simmer down. Sigh. If he only knew how upset this has me.

I should get ready for work. Joy.

T out.

Your Song

Normally, when I'm mad/sad/upset about something I wait awhile before blogging about it. Also, I said I'm keeping a lot of Red related things off here, to protect myself.

Toss both of those ideas out the window RIGHT NOW!

I cried (and will cry more later, I'm sure) about Red tonight. I know I cry often & easy...but it still sucks. It will pass, things will get better...but in the mean time, it SUCKS. Once I'm done blogging about it here, I'm going to hide in my room, with my friend God, my favorite book, The Bible, and read & pray for awhile...then I'm going to compose a letter (the old fashion paper & pen kind) to Red. Chances of me ever giving him the letter are slim to none, but in theory, it will make me feel better...cause right now I feel like SUGAR.

Shortest version possible...After David's Friends, Red had a slight attitude but I thought it was in jest. Jo & I were pulling out of the parking lot (we were in a hurry!) & Red was playing around with David. We waved. Then I said "Red, we weren't waving at you. We were waving at David." Red got MAD. Said a few things under his breathe as he walked away. I pulled up next to him and he said "Just be happy, I'm the kind of person that lets things go." Blah blah blah. ERRRRRRRRR. Now mind you, we were messing around the entire night him calling me selfish/self-centered and me calling him a techno-geek. (I just don't see the need for 2 monitors for 1 computer) I think I know why he's mad....cause I picked & picked. I know I do that, I don't know why.

So, driving home, I called the male that knows & understands me better then anyone in this world...ST. It was nice to hear his voice, for him to basically say nothing, but somehow, he made me feel like things would be okay. I let him hear me cry (over someone else!), without trying to act tough, hide it. I've got a friend in him. YAY!

Now, remember...I'm staying single FOREVER & boys suck.

I need to eat dinner still, and work out. Riggggghhht.

T out.

Redneck Yacht Club

Shocking news to report...

I'm TIRED! Its the story of my life lately. Oh well, I live to talk about it.

In other news...

I got to hang out with my girls (Roe, Shell, & Butt) last night. It sucks that it was a funeral that got us together. The plan (minus Roe, plus some others) is to go bar-hopping this weekend. Yay. I haven't been out with my girls in awhile. I'm excited.

I'm putting a semi-conscience effort into losing weight. I'm drinking TONS of water, and VERY little soda. That's a HUGE change for me. Now, the problem is...TONS of water + overactive bladder = not cool! Is it possible to drink so much water that I feel like I'm going to throw up?

David's Friends is tonight. :-) No David's Friends next week, cause of VBS. Next week, I'm going to be SLAMMED. Starting 8/6 at 10:00 until 8/12 at 21:00...I'm booked SOLID. Joy! I don't have a clue how I'm going to get my 10 flex hours in, how I'm going to eat dinner or sleep...but hey, its all good. Shall be tiring (but I'm always tired, so it doesn't matter), fun, interesting, and challenging!

T out.

Don't Take The Girl

Stolen from Tuesday Girl

What I was doing 10 years ago:  Playing my last summer of youth softball, about to start my junior year of high school.

5 years ago:  ST & I had just gotten engaged.  I was working at Meijer.

Yesterday:  Went to Church, Mom-sat, and just was crappy.

5 snacks I enjoy:
Pretzels
Popcorn (as long as I can floss my teeth ASAP!)
Skittles
Ice cream
Graham crackers

5 songs I know all of the words to:
The Dance by Garth Brooks
Shameless by Garth Brooks
Everywhere by Tim McGraw
Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me

5 things I would do with $100 million:
Buy myself a big house, just for ME!
Pay off my parent's house
Buy JJ a reasonable house & car
Buy Jo a life.  :-)
Travel to Ireland
...and since buying Jo a life doesn't really count...
Buy my Gma a small life house/condo.



5 locations I would like to run away to:
Ireland
Germany
Hawaii
Costa Rica
New Zealand

5 things I like doing:
Watch hockey
Play softball
Sleep
Eat
Play euchre


5 bad habits I have:
Eating to much
Not exercising enough
Giving my opinion when others don't want it
Being bossy
Biting my nails



5 things I would never wear:
NEVER SAY NEVER!


5 TV shows I like:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Sports Center
Real World
Good Morning America
Wings

5 biggest joys of the moment:
softball
David's Friends
My friends
My nephews
Hehehe :-)  A girl can't give away ALL her secrets

5 favorite toys:
Computer
Camera
Phone
All my scrapbooking gadgets!
and again...a girl can't give away ALL her secrets.  ;-)

I Have Been There

I don't have anything remotely exciting or interesting to post about, I just feel like I should...so all my beloved readers know I'm alive. After this post there won't be a post for a few days, most likely.

Had drama rehersal tonight. The "director" wasn't there and it was by far the best, most relaxed, and funnest one yet! We have 1 more rehersal before D-week. I can't call it D-day, there are 5 days worth of skits going on.

Work was calm. Jess is on vacation. Work is never calm when Jess is gone. Grace & I kept thinking something was wrong, cause things went way to smooth. Hopefully, it stays that way. We are SO behind on our "busy" work. Jess would flip out if it was caught up when she returned!

I think I'm going to call it an early night. I'm tired & just blah.

T out.