I am heading out the door in about 20 minutes to babysit for my little cousins (the children of Favorite Aunt and Favorite Uncle). I don't want to because its early and I'm tired...but whatever. God has told me it will be a good day.

The Red Wings play the Capitals today at 12:30. What a stupid game time. Add in that the Red Wings have way to many players out that its making my Hockey pool difficult. UGH.

God is love!

My Mom is forever making up songs and singing. NAILS ON CHALKBOARD.

I am biting my tongue VERY hard right now about many things. Its not healthy for me, but right now, it must be done.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Behind The Sea

SERIOUSLY...my family is driving me f'ing insane. Tomorrow we get high speed internet here, FINALLY. I pray that the wireless part works as easily as we think it will. Then I will get to spend all the time I want in my bedroom instead of at the kitchen table. Everything that my family says and does is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Last night, Jo & I went to a Revival service at a neighboring Church. It was all good and stuff...yet I feel SO far away from God lately. I feel like I'm reaching and reaching out for God, yet coming up an inch short. I know that's not how things are, but its how I feel.

One of my dearest friends reached out to me yesterday because she's got some mental health issues going on. I haven't been in good contact with her lately (due to moving, lack of money, life, etc) so she has NO idea the current issues going on. It was hard to help her when she's clueless about my issues. And right now, this depression is BAD.

I hate when people assume things.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

My family is driving me FUC*ING nuts.  SERIOUSLY. 

I know as I am struggling to mentally stay in this game we call life, that I am easily annoyed and irritated.  The smallest things annoy me...but yeah. 

A neighboring Church is having revival this week, with a Pastor that I know of well & greatly respect.  I am hoping I can pull myself together enough to go. It would be good for me...but yeah.

God is love.

---

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

One Of The Boys

Its NOT a hidden thing that mentally, I'm doing poorly. A lot of the issues are stemming from lack of money, lack of a job, feeling like a failure. Now, there is NO guarantee if I had a job, money, etc that I would be in a better mental place.

Some time soon...probably within the next week or two...I have to sit down and have a meeting with Pastor D. This goes back to something he said during a sermon over 2 years ago. Its not really by my choice, but Dad is on my case majorly, plus others in the know about the situation, think I should "deal with it". The thought of having to talk to him about the issues has had me in tears and panicky. I'd rather just NOT deal with it. I am doing okay getting along with Pastor D on the surface.

Yesterday, after Church apparently, in the craziness of putting groceries away & thinking about having to meet w/ Pastor D, I didn't hang up my coat. I left it on a kitchen chair. UGH! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed off about that. The cats/dog rubbed up against it a million times. Its COVERED in hair. Its my nice gray peabody coat. It costs about $20 to get it dry cleaned. $20 that I just do NOT have right now. Its 100% UNWEARABLE. I don't even have anywhere to put it right now, like I can't put it in the closet that it goes in because it will get other things covered in hair. I can't put it in my bedroom cause I 1) don't have room 2) am ANAL about pet hair in my room. The pets are not allowed near my room. So, for now, the coat sits at the kitchen table to get covered in more pet hair. I am SO angry about it, that I want to throw the coat away cause until it gets cleaned its as good as dead to me. In my head, it makes me unable to go to Church & job interviews until Spring. I am SOOOOOOO angry about it. SERIOUSLY. ANGRY. PISSED OFF.

Whatever. Again, I still just wish I was smart enough to find a way to kill myself. I hate this life.

God is love.

My new favorite color is Red. LMAO. As in, the love of my life...Red. HA. Seriously, something gotta give with that kid. I love him, yet he drives me crazy. We just need to get married and lives happily, strangely, oddly, ever after!

Stress still sucks...but whatever.

My family entertains me and that's all I'll say. (Hi Jo)

God is love!

I am SO stressed and depressed and trying to remember this shall pass, but its hard.

My Mom doesn't know the difference between dreams and reality very often.  Well, this afternoon she said something that has me PANICKING way more then normal.  I don't know what is true and what isn't.  There isn't a way to know.

I hate that I view suicide as my own real helpful solutions to my problems as of late.

God is love.

---

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

Since Sunday afternoon I've been having a flare up regarding my GI issues. Well, not feeling well plus pain meds means LOTS of sleep.

Sunday night...I slept midnight until 11:00AM
Monday night...I slept midnight until 9:00AM
Tuesday...I napped from 11:00AM until 5:00PM

I am SO tired right now, I could have been asleep an hour ago...but I am forcing myself to be awake. Strange I know.

God is love.

Haven't posted in awhile. Life has been pretty crappy. I had a very rough depression patch which had me more suicidal then I'd like to admit and more suicidal then I've been in YEARS. While not totally out of the woods, I'm doing better.

Stupid people are pissing me off beyond belief. People that don't think things through before they act just drive me insane. Now, I know I tend to be a planner so much that I often miss out on things because I can't be flexible and stuff...but yeah.

Tomorrow is my Gma's 80th birthday. Roughly 2.5 years ago, I NEVER thought we'd see this day. Heck, at the time...I don't think many of us thought we'd see the next week.

I haven't been to Church in awhile for many reasons. Illness, power outages, weather. I miss it.

God is love.

Take It To The Limit

Happy 2009!

A few of my friends have been doing a quick year in review on Facebook. I don't know if I feel like doing it on the, but I'll do it here. Just a sentence or two about each month.

Jan.--Learned officially that my dear friend Shell was knocked up.
Feb.--My fantastic friend Jess L started working with me again. YAY!
March.--Had a great time at the CTII (work) bowling gig.
April--I get to see my friend Dani from AZ. Adventures in the hospital starts. My friend was a rock star and stayed by my side more then I could have ever dreamed.
May--Shell's baby shower was fun. I had a blast playing with all her baby stuff. Adventures in the hospital continues. I go under anesthesia for the first time in my life. Dad goes under anesthesia for the first time also, minor "I'm getting old" surgery.
June--I get laid off. Adventures in the hospital continues for my longest (and last!) stay yet.
July--Shell's baby GIRL arrives. She's adorable and Shell's doing great.
August--Roomie & BF go to Europe. I finally feel comfortable in my house.
September--Spend every Wednesday babysitting for Jax. Wonder about his speech skills and health more then ever.
October--Roomie gets ENGAGED! YAY! Another wedding to stand up in, coming in July 2009.
November--My 29th birthday ROCKED. My friends (Steph, Shell, and Roomie) thru me a killer "surprise party".
December--Get to see Baby Girl wear SHOES for the first time. Had three great Christmas parties with my friends and Mom/Dad's families.

Hopefully 2009 will be more eventful with happy things, like NO trips to the hospital and finding a job.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!