Center of The Mark

This is a test...only a test! Maybe I'm not that computer dumb after all...but of course, after I figured out how to add the picture on my own...I think blogger has an easy way now.

Why the heck did the fire picture go over there? Oy! Now...I need to see if they show up for others!

That's all folks.

Dig My Heels

Dad owes me & Jo!  Jo & I did a decent job taking shifts with Mom through the night, so Dad could sleep & going hunting this morning.  I did get to sleep from 04:30 until 08:30.  When Dad gets home, he's got another thing coming if he thinks he gets to nap before ME!  Jo woke me from a dead sleep at 08:30 to tell me it was MY turn to watch Mom.  After about 20 minutes of arguing with her, then ignoring her, she went into her bedroom with soda & coffee.  Within about 30 seconds, she was asleep.  Knock on wood, she's still sleeping.

I'm having lots of fun adding tons of photos to Xanga.  The problem I have with Xanga at the moment, if I understand what I'm reading correctly...I can't put links and stuff in the side unless I have the paid membership.  I can add Xanga links but not links to other things.

Mom's up...

T out.

Will You Be OK

My other home...

TheSpazSays (Its cool...LOTS of pictures...even of ME)

I'm trying to decide if I like Blogger or Xanga better. Xanga is cool, cause its been a breeze for me to add lots of pictures. After my free premium version trial is up, then I'll make a decision...in the mean time, I'm be jumping back & forth. I like pictures!

Anyone know how to make a 51 year old listen when she has the mental capacity & attention span of a 4 year old who is way past due on sleep? We have good days and bad days in this house. For the majority Mom has been doing pretty well since her surgery in mid-July. I pray this bad spree only last a day. I can't imagine a month or so like we had in May. Then again, I live in the real world, unlike Dad who lives in denial. I know, this is only the start! Dad says he's NOT in denial, he's just full of hope & faith. The problem with his logic is, I'm full of hope & faith to, but you can't avoid what is happening in front of our eyes. Of course, I pray that God places his hand on my Mom & takes away everything that is wrong with her, I know He has the power to do that, if its His will. Of course, I thank God all the time for giving me & my family the strength physically & emotionally to deal with Mom's issues.

10 days until I go to the Red Wings game!!!!!!!!!!! Excited is an UNDERSTATEMENT!! Its gonna be SO fun! I wish I knew, for 100% sure, that I had the day after off. Yes, I took the day AFTER, not the day OF, off work! Hmm. I really should look and see how many more vacation days I have to use by the end of the year.

I just thought about it, today (not date wise, but it was the 4th Saturday in October) is the anniversary of ST & I breaking up. The anniversary where I felt like I would die & never live again. Boy oh boy...what an interesting year! Do I miss ST? Yep! Do I love ST? Yep! Am I in love with ST? Nope! Would I change a thing regarding the past year? Nope! Its been a year of crying, laughing, soul searching, and loving myself. I was really bad at remembering important dates in our relationship...I should call him & tell him Happy Anniversary today. I'm a snot sometimes. The other part of this day that sticks on in my mind...it also was the day that I realized my friendship with P was no more. GEEEEE...maybe that was the golden lining to the break up that I never realized. Boy oh boy...I have 2 good reasons I need to go out tonight & celebrate or something...but that's not happening.

I haven't said this in awhile...I miss Red. I miss the cat & mouse game. As small as our David's Friends group is, there always has been like "cliques" within our small group. We are each others clique! At least, I've got Red's older sister. I hate that he has EVERY SINGLE QUALITY I want look for in a male. EVERY SINGLE LITTLE QUALITY. Okay, he's probably pro-life...cause to find a pro-choice, Christian, Republican is almost like asking for a miracle.

Life amazes me. If anyone would have asked me in October of 2000, where I would be in 5 years, my answer probably would have involved being married to ST, being a stay-at-home-Mom, attending a Church where I always felt like an outsider looking in. Where I'm at NOW wouldn't have been NEAR the answer, but I'm content with my life! Often times, we don't understand why God does what He does, or the timing of things. Just rememeber...God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Things happen on God's time...NOT ours!

I'm going to be single forever.

Peace, love, & memories to all.

What More Can He Do

I'm alive. Mom isn't doing that great.

T out.

Picture This

I hate when I wake up shortly before my alarm.  You would think that would mean, I've had a good nights sleep...but NO.  It just means, I've got a stupid internal clock like no other.

Am I just as bad at the people that are pissing me off at work lately?  They complain about stuff at work & I complain about them.  Something for me to ponder...

T out.

Duck and Run

Survivor!  Boy oh boy...was I shocked.  I didn't see the vote for Yaxha tribe coming at all!  Gary's still my pick to win it.

As much as I'm not an animal person, and as much as I'm allergic to cats...I love my cat.  Bad has to be one of the 2 coolest cats ever.  HOW did I get so attached to this darn feline?  I'm not an ANIMAL person!  She does such a good job of bring us dead things (mice, birds, rabbits...I live on a farm, remember!) and leaves them by the back door...to gross Jo out.  Good job Bad!  Yes, my cat's name is Bad.

I didn't have a lot of choice today, to not nap.  Hopefully my sleep will be back (near) normal...whatever that is.

Peace, love, & benedryl to all.

Smack

I'm getting irritated more & more by my employer & more so lately, my co-workers. There are a few I just love to pieces, that if/when I get a new job, I wish I could shove them in my purse and take them with me. The ones that are on my nerves lately should be thankful that God is in control of my life, not me...cause I want to tell some of them where to go & just smack them! We got a reminder letter today attached to our checks about our dress code. It wasn't much different then before (my complaint is...everyone should have to follow it and it should be enforced, otherwise, its pointless)...and people wouldn't SHUT UP about it. Then some of them started going on and on about audits again. 1 person has to complain about every little thing to everyone! 1 person is such a know it all, she's never wrong, blah blah blah. Today, she was telling me about how things were in billing. HELLO LADY...I worked in billing with you, on the same team...but I was there for A LOT longer then you. Thankyouverymuch. I'm probably going to snap...Don't like it, GET A NEW JOB, very soon. I hope not...but its just building.

More about work, we've been so busy lately. We aren't that busy from 07:30-08:00 (while I'm driving in, most days) so today, I called Jess, my boss, my friend, on my drive in...just to chit chat, cause we are to busy to do it as much as we'd like to during our day. Jess brought in picture of her kids from Halloween 3 years ago, to show someone, and I was like...I remember that! I can't believe I've known her that long! I can't believe I've been at my lovely place of employment nearly 4 years. I need a direction, a direction OUT THAT DOOR.

I'm TiVoing Survivor, so I could chat with a friend that isn't online often, plus so Mom could watch Reunion & Survivor. How we lived without TiVo is beyond me. Addicts already.

I'm sad & angry that I'm broke as a joke right now. I want to go out with my friends tomorrow. POUT! Another weekend of watching sports...I'll live. Next weekend, in theory, should be VERY busy. Part of next Saturday should involve the freaking hot one, who claims he's not getting back with his ex. I just can't help but laugh over the whole situation. I'm giddy, like a little kid. I swear, I'm going to be single forever. My brain makes things so much more complicated then they really are.

T out.

Wings

Something has got to change and the sooner the better.  This is starting to concern me.  This being my shaky/lightheadedness.  I was awakened from my sleep (not that deep of a sleep...but I was still sleeping) shaking life a cat after a bath.  I'm educated enough to be doing all the obvious things to avoid feeling this way.  I don't think the problem is a blood sugar issue, I don't think the problem is my iron.  I know, I'm not a doctor.

Another day, another dollar.

T out.

International Thing

WEEEEEEEEEEEE. Yep, sleep schedule still jacked up. I'm doing terrible at putting in lots of extra hours at work, partly because of previous mentioned sleep issue. I'm going to have to break down & go to the doctor soon (say...next Tuesday) if I still feel crappy lightheaded and junk.

I posted a couple hours ago about someone kidnapping my Dad. The more this man that looks like my Dad talks, the more I realize...its not my Dad. The man has got to be on drugs or something. He forgot that I'm a princess! My princess syndrome is his fault (to start with, then 2 special people made it worse)...and he forgot I'm a pretty pretty princess!

The issue: Ghetto fabulous house of ours (or Redneck house USA...your choice)! Don't get me wrong, there are a few things I like about this house/location better then my old house (but not many!). The upstairs (where the computer room is, Jo's bedroom, my bedroom, my bathroom, and the storage room are located) does not regulate tempature AT ALL. We sweat all summer. I have a fan pointing directly onto my bed, right where I sleep. In the winter, we freeze!!!! We have tried everything to change things, but nothing works! With them (whoever that is) guessing that the general public's gas bill is going to go up 30-75% (depending on what article you read), my smart Dad came up with a brillant idea. We are going to close the vents up here and move downstairs for the winter. Yeah, right Dad! I'm a princess...and a pea. I can't sleep just anywhere. I can't sleep in the same bed with Jo...and I dont' think she wants to sleep on the couch every night for months on end. (There is only 1 semi-spare room downstairs) Plus, if Gma comes to help us, or if JM & TOY come visit, or anyone...we are screwed. I have a better idea. How about we install the wood burning stove that is taking up room in the garage??!?! Makes sense to me. We have (basically) unlimited free wood. We have the brains & needed materials to install the stove...sounds like that would save some costs to me...but what do I know. I know I'm a princess and I am not sleeping downstairs.

Jo is being overly nice & pleasant tonight. I say overly, because she hasn't been lately...plus with stuff that happen at about 17:00 today (yesterday technically)...I thought for sure, she'd be in a pissy/want to kill the world type mood.

Since my birthday is in 23 short days, followed by Christmas 6 weeks later...I'm going to start making my (semi-realistic) list. I refuse to spend any money I get on bills, food, gas, or social events. I'm buying me stuff...real stuff that I normally wouldn't get! (like, I'm not buying razor blades with the cash!) I'll post my list soon...don't worry!

That's all folks.

The Right Stuff

I didn't go & take a nap before work this morning.  I laid in bed for about 20 minutes, said forget it & started moving.  I actually ATE breakfast (at home!) & had a cup of tea.  It was nice, but not something I plan on doing often.

The ride into work was good, compared to some mornings I've had to take Mom down.  Mom talked lots, not that she remembers much of it.  Mom is doing very good mentally lately, praise God.  Mom has been talking about God & Church functions a lot more lately.  She's been talking with others about God too.  Outsiders don't know how GREAT that is, especially to me.  When you have a Mother with as many serious health issues as mine, to have her lose her faith, is scary.  She's been talking to my favorite Aunt a lot lately (the one that just lost her Mother) and I think they are doing each other a ton of good, spiritually!

Someone kidnapped my Dad & I want my real Dad back anytime now!  For as long as I can remember, Bill, (the biggest cheap skate ever and the stupidest smart person!) has ALWAYS drank old, nasty, flat, watered down, with bugs in it, soda...in whatever glass it was in...preferably, Faygo brand, or other cheap/store brands.  Yesterday, I drank about 1/2 of my glass of fresh Coca-Cola.  Jo was in the process of getting Dad something to drink.  I told her to just use my glass, and just fill it up the rest of the way.  He starts yelling about how he has turned over a new leaf, and he wants his own glass with new ice and fresh Coca-Cola.  Jo & I couldn't help but laugh.  Now, when his grocery bill goes up $10 a week...I'm sure he'll start drinking old cheap soda again.

No David's Friends tonight.  I feel lost without it.  It won't be a Wednesday without it.  Since we formed David's Friends (back in maybe March)...I've only missed 2 times.  I need my Churchy (thump thump) friends.  It takes a special group of people, to within 1 hour, laugh, cry, learn, & pray together! 

Work was a zoo again today.  I didn't know it, but they have a 100% freeze on hiring.  We were short staffed, THEN we lost 5 people (1 full timer, 4 parts)...and are loosing 1 more full timer on 11/01.  Some things this company does, just don't make sense!  Then again, what do I know!  A few of us have been finding time to get some audits done lately.  I'm about ready to punch a few people regarding them.  I understand if you think you were correct, I understand if you don't understand what you did wrong...but complaining just to complain about being audit.  Shut up, pay attention, and do your job better.  Two people that set me off today, regarding the audits, are the REASON we need to do audits...they think they know it ALL, and its obvious they don't!

I love autumn.  My drive home today, I just couldn't help but look at the pretty leaves and be amazed by God.  Autumn definitely is my favorite season! 

Peace, love, and dinner to all!

Take My Breath Away

I haven't been feeling the best, can't put my finger on it really...but I just don't feel well. 2 times now, within the past 48 hours I have been awakened by pain...pain within my head. YUCK! Of course not feeling well, that leads to me being tired and sleeping often, which greatly messes up ones sleep cycle. If my parents wouldn't have bothered me two times during my nap tonight, it probably would have registered as a nap...not as a full nights sleep. Now, here I am awake as can be in the middle of the night. LOVELY.

I've got to remember to stay faithful to God, he will provide me with all I need. I've got to remember to stay faithful to God, he will lead me in the direction he wants me to go. I've got to remember to stay faithful to God, he will answer my prayers, big & small. I'm really at a crossroads, I don't know what to do about teaching Children's Church and so many other things. Brain overload. Blah blah blah goes my little brain.

After dinner last night, Jo told me she doesn't like me. Most of me laughs, a small part of me hurts. I'm not going to stop being me for anyone. Her issue is that I (along with everyone else in this house!) am an antagonist and smart aleck. The part that gets me, I've been this way for longer then she's been alive. She'll get over it and we will go back to being friends or she won't and we will continue being sisters. Either way, I love her dearly. Just so I don't get yelled at or threatened to be beaten up...I'll end this paragraph with...Jo, I'll pray for you.

Mom has an appointment with her orthopedic surgeon today. I hope it goes well, if it doesn't Mom flips out. Mom has to stay at Gma's most of the day, waiting for the appointment. I hope that goes well too. She hasn't been getting along with Gma that good lately. Last time Mom was at Gma's for the day, she had numerous seizures. I hope that doesn't happen again, Gma doesn't need that stress and since Gpaw is in town...he'd truly freak if Mom had a seizure in front of him.

Hopefully work is better today, then it was yesterday. At least, I hope that Mel & Dorothy are back! I just want to sit in my seat and work. I don't feel like running around all day, pissing people off by giving them more work. Its not my ideal of fun. Yesterday when I pull in the parking lot, I parked next to the 35 year old. Seems like I end up parking next to her often (and her being a full timer and a smoker...she's outside often)...WHY ME? She's like nails on a chalkboard. Her phony-ness just strikes a nerve. Mean of me, probably. Truthful...YEP!

I should go nap before work. This is just messed up! God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

That's all folks.

Our Last Goodbye

To say I feel like junk is an understatement.  I've been feeling VERY lightheaded since last Thursday and it just keeps getting worse.  I was awakened in the middle of my sleep last night with a pounding migraine.  Oh happy day.  Now, its just an annoying headache but I'm still extremely lightheaded.

I can't stand the way my 19 year old lovely little sister manages to STILL control my father's actions.  I can see when she was younger and she was unable to do things for herself, but seriously, this is getting old.  He doesn't seem to realize, or it isn't worth the fight with her, that unless he FORCES her to grow up, she isn't going to.  Instead, my Mom & I get to fight with my Dad, and we all are inconvenienced.

Last night I talked with Lizzy of David's Friends for a while after Church.  It was a good time.  Some things just went "click" in my brain finally.  No David's Friends this week. 

T out.

Bodyshakin'

So...I can't sleep.  I haven't tried, but I just KNOW I can't.  I've got to many hamster running on their wheels within my brain.  I've got to many (since 1 is to many and there is way more then 1) people renting space in my head.  EVERYONE GET OUT OF MY BRAIN.

I think its sadly, a sleeping pill kind of night.

That's all she wrote.

Steelo

A few more things...

The sound of my lovely little sister's voice has been like nails on a chalkboard lately.  I don't know why.  I pray we get back to being friends soon.

I thought I was going to be able to con (or buy at a reasonable price) ST out of his space heater (that he really bought to shut Princess T up) now that he lives in Cinci and won't need it...but he already got rid of it.  Pout.

Peace, love, & prayer to all.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

My mood isn't where I want it. I just want it to stablize...but oh well. Its better then it was, gotta find the positive. I wish I could explain what was going on within my head, but since I don't totally understand it, I can't begin to explain it to outsiders.

I'm sitting here, staring at the keyboard & monitor trying to figure out what's on my mind, what I need to blog about...and nothing special is coming to my fingers. I'll think of something, don't fret my pet.

Oh yeah...the cutest 7 year old boy, TOY, got such a cool gift today! My brother in law has always been a huge die hard Detroit Lions fan. He's had seasons tickets for longer then I've known him. When the Lions moved to Ford Field, John somehow snagged 1st row endzone season tickets. Now that JM & TOY are old enough to like & behave for an entire football game, they get to go to a few Lions games every year with their Dad. Well, today when Dre' Bly got his interception during the 3rd quarter, Bly went and handed TOY the football! I don't know who was/is more exicted...TOY or John. Of course, the Lions still lost.

Chips & Salsa aren't a good quality dinner. Shame on me. I want real food, NOW...but its to late for that.

So, I was going to publish this awhile ago...but I got a phone call, from ST. I hate that I let him hear me cry, I hate that he knows me so well, I hate that I feel a need to protect myself from him, I hate that I just don't ask/say what is on my mind to him (see that part about protecting myself), I hate that sometimes we talk great and other times our converstations seem so strained. While I hate all those things, I'm so thankful & grateful to him for so much...like knowing, understanding, and respecting me and above all else...being my friend. I know very few can understand the friendship that ST & I have, but its a beautiful thing. The past (very near!) year has been a time of hurt, crying, happinesss, crying, trust, crying, anger, crying, sadness, crying, growth, crying, and above all friendship. Thru all my tears I always knew in my heart of hearts, we would be FRIENDS. It took longer to get to that friendship point then I would have liked, and us being friends is work...but its all worth it. My friends, especially Shell & SML, that were there (and still are!) to listen to me cry, to make me smile, to show me that life DOES go on are worth their weight in GOLD! I love them dearly, more then they'll ever know. I love ST, my friend. It puts such a smile on my face to say that AND mean that.

With all that said...it doesn't mean I still don't hurt. On days that I think I'll be alone forever (on days when I think being single forever is a bad thing), the sting is just as fresh as ever. My ability to trust someone of the opposite sex, as anything more then a friend is non-existant. While, I don't believe time heals all wounds...these wounds do get easier as time goes by. Enough mushy messy mush from me for one night.

Off to talk to the one that loves me thru & thru, the one I can TRUST for all eternaty!

T out.

Changes

Church was packed this morning. The parking lot was BEYOND packed. I can't wait until we are in our new building, for more reasons then I can begin to list here. God is doing awesome things in my life, and in the lives of those around me. I was approached this morning about teaching Children's Church once a month. I didn't give a difinite answer, I need more info, then its something I must pray about.

I hate that I feel like I'm being to preachy lately...just what God is laying on my heart. I'm me. Nothing more, nothing less.

Off to work on my Sunday routine. NAP time!

That's all folks.

Down Poison

You are Ephesians.

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When I'm Gone

My Dad is always full of crazy ideas.  He thinks I am waking up at 08:00 to do roof & insulation work before Church.  Yes, he's lost his mind.

T out.

Real Thing

Oh yeah...I weighed myself today.  I haven't weighed myself in about 1.5 months.  Let me just say YAY!!!!!!!!

I'm under the 150 mark, not by a lot...but that doesn't matter.  I'm down 19 pounds now, since the beginning of the summer.  I don't have a target weight really, my mindset has always been to just NOT gain more weight. I know my weight is something I'll struggle with forever. 

The keys to T's weight loss:
*Drinking VERY little soda (VERY little, at least, compared to what I used to drink!)
*Drinking LOTS of water!
*Not snacking on ice cream & chips with my family every night.
*Eating basically 3 meals a day vs my 1 HUGE meal.
*Doing some sort of activity every other day or so.
*Not eating when I'm bored or sad.

Its all a bunch of small stuff, that has added up...to 19 pounds!  YAY! 

T out.

Great Awakening

MSU defense...get it together!  Learn to tackle.

I'm going to nap the first 1/2 of UofM/Penn & USC/ND games.

I'm in a much better (not great yet, but baby steps) place mentally then I have been lately.  My God is an awesome God!

That's all folks.

It's Been A Long Time

I just figured out that I can change the fonts on here! WAHOO! I guess, I never paid attention. I know when I email posts here they are in a different font...but just, say okay T.

I'm enjoying doing a whole lot of nothing today. Its currently half time of the MSU vs OSU game, which will be followed by channel jumping between ND vs USC and UofM vs Penn St. Then, I'm sure I'll take a nap or something non-productive...waking up just in time to catch the Red Wings vs Coyotes game. I am doing laundry. Joy. The last load is in the washer. Then, all I have left dirty is what I have on, plus 2 pair of socks. I'm so nutty/anal about my socks.

My Dad told me what my birthday (in 28 days!) present is. I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Riding lessons!!!!!! I've been going crazy for about 2 years now, that I want a horse. I've never even been on a horse, don't really know that much about them. I can't wait! Its going to be SO much fun. It will be outside of my social phobic box a little bit...but to learn about/ride a horse, I'll get over it!

More later...

T out.

Running Out of Days

I know I say this often...but I'll say it again & again, because I can.

I know God doesn't give me more then I can handle, I just don't understand why he trusts me with so much!  Its all because I can handle anything & everything with him as the Light of my Life!

I know I've sounded very "Churchy" lately, but I think I lost my center lately...being focused on God, and I must get back to my happy, loving place ASAP and with God's help I can do that.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of NOTHING special. Laundry, sleep, sports, Church stuff.  I NEED it. 

T out.

By My Side

Hey WORLD...

If you have something to say about me, be brave & bold enough to say it TO me!  I can handle it.  Can you?

That's all folks.

The Message

So, I'm playing around with Xanga. I don't know what I think of it yet. I'm used to blogger and if you know me, you know, I don't deal with change well. We shall see. If I abandom this ship, I'll let ya'll know.

Starving myself isn't the best way to lose weight, and I'm a food snob that would rather starve then eat crap...so I'll be doing that starving gig. The biggest problem with the starving gig, it makes me CRABBY. I've already been in a pissy mood, guess I need to get over it, whatever it is.

Mom is in this world. YAY. We talked (alot, for Mom!) lately about my moods and this depression rut. I know God will pull me thru it, like always. Its funny, Mom can talk sense into my bi-polar head when no once else can and I can do the same for her. Its almost like God gave us the same mental illness to help each other. Mom's advice was to look at all the positive things going on. I know all that...its just a matter of TIME. This won't last FOREVER. There's only 1 thing that lasts FOREVER. Amen.

I was reading a new blog tonight, written by a Christ-loving guy, about my age. He makes my faith and knowledge seem so small, yet I see where I can learn from him. Its nice reminder that I am not alone in this walk with the Lord. I know I'm not alone (thanks David's Friends!) but sometimes, it feels that way...with all the stress and junk in our world.

Go Wings!

T out.

Let Me Go

Why do I answer comment questions in new posts? Because its easier for me, plus I know, I always don't go back and read (or re-read) comments when something new is added.

So...Dani...I don't use my real name, cause I just don't. Not a lot of reason behind it. I don't use/like my name all that much. Besides work emails, I almost always just sign everything T or TS. My name is to long or something, I don't know...I'm silly.

I did have a picture in my profile, but it stopped working at some point and I've been to lazy/stupid to fix it. I didn't put it there to start with, my friend SML (the one that brings me lunch and gets me flowers) did. I just recently learned (on my own!) how to add links and stuff to the side, so at some point...hopefully sooner then later, I'm going to figure out how to put all kinds of pictures in here...but while, I'd like to do that...its not that high on my priority list.

That's all she wrote.

Lay It All On The Line

I gave a few people from work the address to this thing. Hope I haven't said to much bad about them. ;-) So, hello work buddies!

Someone posted a comment the other day about God, who is he? I know the person was saying it in a rude way...but I still feel the need to answer that. I'm never good at answering questions like that...but here's my best answer. (Where's Thick with her good preachy answer!?) God is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Alpha & Omega, my Salvation, creator of Heaven & Earth, Adam & Eve, Day & Night. God sent his son, to save us. Jesus was crusified for my (and your!) sins, and ROSE AGAIN...so I (and everyone that believes!), can spend eternity with HIM! How cool is that?!

Jo's a snot.

Off to do something exciting...yay laundry. yay exercise.

T out.

Couldn't We Stand

Happy 1st Birthday Blog o' Mine!

Its been an interesting year, that's for sure!

All the time, God is good.  God is good, all the time.

T out.

Going Down in Flames

Another day for God to hold my hand and lead me thru, because I know I can't do things on my own.

Very tired & stressed. Busy day.

T out.

Sleep With You

I wish I had something exciting or happy to blog about...but I don't.

I'm fighting to keep my head mentally above water right now. I know I'll have good days and bad...just ERRRRRRRRR.

Jess is back tomorrow. WAHOOOOOOOOO.

I keep feeling like I have SO much to do and not enough time. The fact is if I don't find time to get to the bank(s) and to do laundry VERY soon, I'm going to be in some big trouble.

I've got to make a few phone calls, deal with a few situations, VERY soon that are outside of my social phobic boxes. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

I hate playing phone tag with my friends. I hate many things. But...seriously, I'm suprised how content I am with most things...even in the downward spin lately.

Blah blah blah.

That's all she wrote.

He Never Changes

Another day, another dollar.

I've got God on my side, I'll make it thru another day.  Nothing more, nothing less.

T out.

The Basics of Life

I've got so much swimming around in this little mind of mine. Why must so much in this world revolve around that green stuff which I've come to realize I just will never have enough of? My mood has SUCKED and now, here I am, not sleeping. Lack of sleep, especially quality sleep is going to make my mood so much better. I love me.

T out.

This Time

I feel like the tension between Red & I is so thick! His new hair cut looks good, but tonight he didn't have the slightest of a smile (this coming from the person that told me I need to smile more, there is always something to smile about in life). I miss his smile. I miss him, the friendship I had with him at the end of the summer. Such is life. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm proud of me tonight, in some silly T way! My Dad had a big bowl of ice cream, then he & Jo ate doritos, while Mom was eating popcorn and I just had my water w/ lemon. Go me! My clothes are literally falling off me right now, which is a great feeling...but I can't afford to buy more. Plus, I want to loose MORE...yet, part of my head is like "The weight isn't going to stay off." Mom thinks I'm loosing weight for some guy(s). She's a nutjob. I am putting an effort into not gaining weight for the simple fact that...I don't want to be this fat forever.

Dad got a deer tonight...kinda. How does one kinda get a deer? We shall see tomorrow. Dad doesn't understand how/why I want to rifle hunt and NOT bow hunt. Getting him to see other's points of view is like beating my head into a brick wall.

T out.

Better Life

I hate the way people throw words around.  Say what you mean and (more importantly, to me!) mean what you say.

That's all folks.

Brave

My mood still sucks.

My family still sucks.

The opposite sex still sucks.

My mood is grand, can ya tell?

Housework time.

That's all she wrote.

Away from the Sun

My funk is starting to turn into a depression rut, I can just tell. I know it won't last forever, but in the mean time...it just sucks.

There are a few things that my parents taught me growing up, that right now...are going to be biting them in the butt. 1) If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. So, in other words, I better NOT speak to them for awhile. Yes, I can be a hot head, I'm much better at controlling it then I used to be. 2) Respect is a 2 way street. You have to give respect to get respect. Of course, they are my family and I LOVE THEM but right now, I don't like them at all. The junk going on with them definitly isn't helping this rut of mine.

I go to Church & participate in Church functions for God. There was a few minutes this morning when I wasn't going to Church, then it hit me...its for GOD not for ME or my family. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm going to hide in my room or something. I wish I could just run away, but that's not in the budget, plus I've got housework and laundry to do...plus Church tonight is going to be cool.

T out.

The Heart Of Worship

I'm getting ready for Church in a minute...I swear.

For the great majority, living at home at 25 works for me & my family. Lately, they've been on my nerves. They piss me off so easily. Maybe I shouldn't blame them, and look within myself...cause I really think that's part of the issue, that I'm in a terrible funk.

I hate being a jealous person. Nothing more, nothing less.

T out.

I catnapped for 3 hours this afternoon and I'm still tired. I'll be in my bed, passed out by 22:00, most likely.

My favorite Aunt/little cousin's Mother/Grandmother passed away this morning. We all knew it was coming any day as she had cancer, but it still doesn't take the pain and sadness away. So, Tuesday afternoon/evening, I'll be doing the funeral gig again. Wait...its NOT a funeral, its a Celebration of Life. Its likely, I'll just have the little ones outside/in another room during the service, cause that's just how things work out usually and I'm okay with that!

I haven't mentioned it lately and since people have not nice things to say about me...screw them. Red's adorable...inside & out. Why must he be so far away? I'm SINGLE in every sense of the word...I'm allowed to think more then 1 guy is cute at a time, hell, I'm allowed to do what I please, with whom I please, how I please, when I please. Can ya tell people are getting under my skin lately?

Church tomorrow. I'm feeling a little bad cause I haven't been to David's Friends for the past 2 Wednesday, forgot about a prayer gathering on Friday night, didn't go to Church last Sunday night, and quit the drama gig. Oh well. God knows what's going on and its all good in the 'hood.

Besides Church tomorrow, I've got to do some laundry and housework so my familly will shut up. Exciting Sunday, here I come!

That's all folks.

Spend The Night Together

T.I.R.E.D.

Went to sleep after 02:30, was awake by 07:30...with a couple of wake ups in there. Got a busy day today, with a 10 & 7 year old boys to entertain. Thankfully they play (beat each other up) so well together. I think, hope, need, a nap sometime soon.

We are in the process of getting new furniture today. YAY! WAY OVER DUE! Right now the living room is empty and Dad is shampooing the carpet before we move new stuff in. I'm fighting to stay awake until we move the furniture in...but its rough. Moving the old stuff out was pretty each. JM & TOY are such big helps now. The 1st piece, JM & Dad did themselves. Dad just wants to have a big ole' bonfire tonight with the old stuff (yes, its THAT bad!)...we shall see.

I was talking with my highly respected & trusted friend the other day. I am trying to figure out how/why I think so highly of this person. Its weird. This person just gets me too...which is nice & rare! Everything this person says about my life, my situations, makes so much sense...but almost everything is easier said then done.

Went out with Shell & J, and some others last night to a new bar. It was a new bar to us, but its only been open about a month. Had a good time. One of those nights where I was laughing so much my cheeks were hurting. I didn't like the new bar or dislike it really. I doubt we'll be back there anytime soon. Especially since there was a $5 cover. I hate paying covers! The freaking hot one was one of the others that went out with us last night & he confuses me...then again, he's a male so that goes hand in hand.

Ahhh...I'll be single forever and most days, I'm okay with that!

T out.

Cake And Eat It

After a strange turn of events tonight...I'm going out!  Yes, I'm trying this going out on a Friday gig again.  I'm excited.  Shell had to twist my arm a little, but I'm going.

My sister JJ is a useless tool.  We have her boys here for the weekend.  They are so cute.

More tomorrow...if you are lucky.

T out.

Good Ride Cowboy

We have no ice in my house right now because my sister chooses to not think of other people. I'm VERY pissed but I'm doing my best to keep it to myself. In the grand scheme of life, its not a big deal...but right now I'm NOT happy. I need to take some medication and basically can't because there is no ice. I could drink room tempature soda or water, but that is just GROSS. So, I'll go to bed without needed meds and dehydrated.

I'm feeling a tad guilty or something cause I haven't called ST all week. At the same time, he hasn't called me either. 2 way street. I think he's out of town (meaning out of Cinci) for work. I don't know...whatever. I'll catch up with him soon enough.

I thought I had an idea about what was going on this weekend. Now, I'm clueless. Right about now, I'm hoping its a weekend where I can lock myself in my room. Yep, still in my funk.

I was working on making a pattern tonight, for this bag I want to make my Mom. I'm going to make Mom a bag that attached to the front of her walker, for her to carry simple items in. I'm so excited to start sewing and making everything. I got frusterated and quit pattern making for the night, because after I thought I was done, Mom told me she wants this bag lined and I was struggling to figure that out...but I will. Yes, I know they SELL patterns, and stuff...but to me, 1/2 the fun of sewing is in the pattern making, just doing what I think works! Tomorrow, I think I'm going to check on the material & velcro for Mom's bag. Plus, I need some fabric scissors (MUCH different then the many pairs of scrapbooking scissors I have) and a fabric tape measure. I swear, I wasn't meant to be born in 1979. I should have been a Little House on the Praire era or something...give me a horses, home made clothes, a radio, and call it a day.

I should be awake at 05:00 or real close to that. Bed time NOW.

T out.

The Road I'm On

Wahooo!  The Red Wings won!  Oh happy day.  Hockey's back!

Over Labor Day weekend Jo told my Mom that she often feels ignored by our family I want her to know she's not being ignored.  I read her comment and since I have very little nice to say about her or to her right now, I'll simply say...I love you, Jo.

I really need to be at work at 07:00 for the next 4 work days.  I don't have to be, but it would be the nice & helpful thing to do.  Jess is on vacation.  Work shall be hell until next Wednesday most likely.  Jess leaves work turns to hell.  Phones break, computer system goes down, printer dies, everyone gets sick. 

I need to get off my butt and fill out/hand in my application for part time fun job.  If I don't do it by 21:00 Friday night, someone smack me.

That's all she wrote.

Bye Bye

Its been a LONG year without (real) hockey.  Welcome back NHL!  Tonight is the Red Wings regular season opener and I'm SO excited!

Go Wings!

That's all folks.

In Too Deep

Miracles do happen! I went into my room at about 19:20 last night, didn't go to sleep until after 21:00, only woke up 2 times and NEVER got up to pee! Yes, the girl with the over active bladder went nearly 12 hours without going to the bathroom.

Jo's SO pissed at me and I really don't get it. I'm a smart aleck, always have been...don't plan on changing that (and if she thinks I'm bad...good think she isn't dealing with some of my friends, cause I'm mild!). She's pissed that I don't give a flying monkey's toenail about how she gets to see her friend, and I'm annoyed that she's got my Mom bending over backwards to find her a way there. HELLO FAMILY, she'll NEVER get a license when you do stuff like that for her. Jo's go off about me in her blog, I'm entertained. Check on the link label Nellie at the side if you need some laughs.

That's all she wrote.

Scream

I live with a bunch of psychos...yes, I'm one too.

Dad doesn't understand that telling me to do something this late at night, during the week, isn't going to happen.  Maybe tomorrow...but probably not then either.  Thursday is a possibility.  Of course, when he comes upstairs and trips out about it...I'll have little choice but to do it.

I was under the education impression that my car insurance was going to drop by about 30% this month but NO!  It went UP.  Only $2, but that's NOT the point.

To top off my top notch mood, I got a stone chip in my windshield today. 

I'm going to hide from the world to the best of my ability.  Its another one of those days where I'm glad I'm a level headed person, overall...because if I wasn't I would have probably done some really stupid things by now.

Peace, love, and exercise to all.

My Heart Goes Bang

My birthday is quickly approaching. Roughly 5.5 weeks. To know me, is to know that I tend to make my birthday out to be a big deal. Really, the count down to my birthday and bugging everyone that my birthday is coming is usually more fun then my birthday.

My 26th birthday is a Saturday. Shell already asked what I want to do...and what a shock, I've got no clue. In this one town that we bar hop around, there is this country bar (that I love!) that has a hayride to take you to their bar. I think I'm going to do that...cause its my birthday and I can. Okay, probably not...but at one point, one of my hick lovin' friends WILL ride that darn hayride with me and we will have FUN.

In 4 weeks from today, I'll be at a Red Wings game. Happy birthday to me!

Jo asked me what I want for my birthday and apparently she didn't like my list. Don't ask me questions if you are expecting certain answers. My list was this:
1) A million dollars
2) A horse trailer
3) A horse or two.

Something semi-related to my birthday...since it was supposed to be a birthday/Christmas gift. I won't be going to FL in Feb., like I've been planning since oh...Christmas. My Gma has this terrible gut feeling about something right now and they've decided they aren't going to FL this year at all. I'm glad my Gma is following her gut, but it doesn't mean I'm not tad disappointed.

Sleep is an evil cycle.

That's all folks.

If I Could Turn Back Time

I still feel like I'm going to vomit, I still don't know why.

Anyways...I heard my title song on my drive home from work today. That's one of those songs that I feel the need to just scream along with, when driving by myself. That song is one of those songs that fills me with happy memories.

My silly sappy story, that yes, I can look back on with nothing but smiles:
I had ended my engagement with ST. I did the dating gig, I did my own thing, we were apart for about 10 months...and one day, I was in the shower and that song popped in my head and wouldn't go away. Now, ST & I always remained cordial during our time apart. We were at the point where we were friends again, hanging out often and stuff. All day long that song was stuck in my head. Before work that night, I stopped by ST's apartment. I had to tell him what was weighing on my heart, I had to see if things could be worked thru, I had to clear the air. Going into it, I knew there was a chance he could tell me to take a flying leap and I'd have to be happy with our friendship (I was 100% confident that I'd still have the friendship)...but I knew it was a chance I had to take. I got to his apartment, and his roommate was home. They were playing video games or something. I had to suck it up and tell ST that I came to talk, not to chill. I remember, we went and laid on his bed and were just chit chatting. I was holding back, he knew I was holding back. I picked up the pillow out of frusteration, out of not wanting to talk, out of wanting him to just know what I wanted to say, and covered my face. The next thing I rememeber, is his head under the pillow with mine and us kissing. I thank the next few words went like this..."Thank you" "No, thank you." "Where do we go from here?" We talked, with the pillow over our heads for awhile, but I had to leave to go to work much sooner then I wanted. It was such a sweet time. The year and a half that followed that night was great.

The headache & heartache that I've been thru in the past (nearly) year now have sucked big time, but thru it all...its been worth it. I always thought and always prayed we would end up having our friendship and lately, that's what I've got and to have that, with him, someone that I share a mutual care, trust, & respect with means more to me then anyone (but ST) will ever understand.

Note: I really wouldn't change anything, because I wouldn't be where I'm at today...but if I had things to do over again, I might choose to do things differently. I hope that makes sense, it does in my head.

Gosh that was really mushy sounding.

My Dad was going to get Taco Bell for dinner tonight. Taco Bell was out of beef. How the heck does Taco Bell run out of beef? I don't eat Taco Bell beef but did my Dad think about that enough to get my dinner from there still? Of course not.

T out.

Love Like Crazy

I feel like I'm going to vomit, out of no where. Nice.

All males aren't jerkballs all the time.

I hate bacon.

That's all she wrote.

Lifetimes

I'm debating internally right now, on whether to take some good drugs to help me sleep tonight. The quality sleep I'm getting is starting to effect me greatly. I know the things I have to do to keep myself as sane and stable as possible and good quality sleep is one of them. My Mom, who I'm happy to report is basically in this world right now, suggested to me, and my Dad agreed (to know my Dad, is to know he's not always supportive or understanding of my & my Mom's mental health issues) that taking something to get a good nights sleep who probably be a good idea. I just don't know. Overall, I've been doing *so* well without any medication, I hate to feel like I'm going backwards. I could count on 1 hand how many times this year, I've taken my sleeping pills. I know my mental health is a real problem, its not something to be ashamed of, parts of it aren't in my control, its okay to seek help when needed. I can't believe I'm spending this much time thinking about taking a sleeping pill. Since I haven't taken them in so long, I'm slightly concerned with how it will effect me.

The gig with Mom's family was okay, at best. My mood was out of control. Thankfully, someone suggested I take the kids (4 little cousins...all boys, ages 2, 5, 6, & 9) to the game room. I was a totally different person when I had my little cousins. They all just make me smile and forget my problems, whatever they are.

I'm looking foward to work tomorrow. I don't know why, but since my weekend wasn't the best, maybe this week will be better then my weekend was. I'll be turning in my application for 2nd job at the fun place, on Tuesday. I'm kinda excited about the possiblities with this fun place. Yes, I'm a nerd. I told the drama lady at Church today, that I just can't do it/don't want to do it right now. I'm feeling better now on that front, I don't have to dodge her or anything.

I feel like I have a million mosquito bites right now. Its just my allergies and stress. Its annoying. I'm annoying. Okay, I'm taking that pill now. I need to stop annoying myself.

T out.

One Bud Wiser

I learned something Friday night. I'm old, and so are my friends. Going out, especially a late bar night on a Friday just isn't as fun as it used to be. I think it was about midnight when we all were yawning more then drinking or talking.

Since Jo's already in a real bitch of a mood, I don't care about commenting on here. She's PISSED that Dad & I can't/won't be able to take her to see her friend. She says we don't care. That's not it at all. I care, but I put myself first, which means, my job & my safety come before seeing some friend of hers. Plus, this isn't really MY problem. He's HER friend. If she had HER license, she could get in HER car and go see him. I'm beyond annoyed and irritated with HER and her still NOT having her license. She's got EVERY EXCUSE in the book, and they are just that EXCUSES. In April when I took her to see this friend, I did it as a favor to Dad. When I take Jo anywhere, its a favor to my parents...because I can't stand her inability to get her license. Its something that has bothered me for awhile now and just about every day it pisses me off more. Until my parents FORCE her to step up and take some responsiblity regarding it, she is NEVER going to...so Dad AND I continue to get screwed. Jo will drive with Mom when she wants to, then at other times she brings up the point that Mom doesn't have a valid license. Its so old.

I love my little sister thru & thru. She's a great sister & friend. She has her hands full with Mom. I'm just fed up with this license gig and how its always Dad & I getting screwed. I know life isn't fair...but yeah.

I need a NAP. I can't have a NAP. I'm not happy. My Dad thinks we are taking 2 seperate cars to this gig with Mom's family so maybe he can leave early and hunt. Aaaaa...NO. If he gets to leave early, I want to leave then too! I don't want to be there any more then him. There should be 21 of us at this dinner. The sad part is I like 8 of them, basically...including liking myself. Add in that, I have to spend 2 hours in the car to go to this lovely dinner. I'm so thrilled.

T out.

For Future Generations

I'd like to say its another day, another dollar...but its not a work day. I don't feel like moving. Its one of those days that the world would be much better off if I was locked in my bedroom to deal with myself all day instead of deal with any people...but that's life. Suck it up, put on my *fm* smile, hold my head up as high as I can, and make it thru another day.

Lalala. Time to get ready for Church. Its a Sunday, I won't be getting a nap. Not cool. It messes up my entire day, which leads to a great week.

ERRRRRRR. I need to find something positive to say right now. Hmmmm. Let's see. My cat is cute.

T out.

All Jacked Up

I don't even know where to start in this brain of mine. I'm still over-tired, whiny, bitch girl mode basically. My head is so full of everything and nothing. My brain is a scrabbled egg right about now.

I've got reason to believe this person I know is cyber stalking me. Heck, person is probably reading this. Annoyed, yep. Scared, no. Think this person is crazier then me, yep! I don't know if I should look into it further to see if I'm really being trailed, or let it go. I mean, there is no point to what this person appears to be doing.

Why is not letting people rent room in my head a never ending battle? Why is my weight a never ending battle too? Why must guys half truth almost everything?

I didn't go to Cris' or Thick's parties tonight because of my stellar mood. I did manage to go grab Kaleb a birthday gift though, since I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I've got family in from WA & FL right now, so Mom's entire side of the family is getting together for dinner tomorrow. Joy. Oh yeah, the out of towners and Gpaw are coming over at 10:00 tomorrow too. I feel bad sometimes that I don't like Gpaw, but then I remember he did it to himself. My mom, her siblings, and I did NOTHING wrong.

Being single sucks sometimes. I've got to keep reminding myself, I will not settle. Everything happens for a reason. I want to be a scientist and just make the perfect guy. I'll take a handful of guys I adore, get all of their best qualities and clone the perfect male just for me. Sounds like a plan. I'll end this rant here for now.

Jo wants me to take her to see a friend this week. He's in the military and only home for a few days. Hello. He's only here for a few days (days I have to work) and he lives like 3 hours from us. Time to get a license, Jo. If it was a weekend and I was bored, I might think about it...but yeah. Its not a weekend and I'm not bored. Its nothing against this kid, its just the facts of life.

In the past 12 hours my face (chin really) has broke out like something fierce. Its gross. Its annoying.

That's all folks.

Getting It On

My beloved MSU Spartans got their 1st lost of the year...to Michigan, in overtime.  Oh well, life goes on.

I'm tired, overtired actually, so my mood sucks and my great day is basically ruined.

I hate wasting my time.  Its got to be one of my biggest pet peeves.  I really HATE when my time gets wasted when I'm tired.  I'll stop bitching there.

I grabbed an application for this local place in town.  I think it would be a cool place to toy around a few extra hours a week.  The pay probably is very little, but when making money, my spending would go down.  Plus, like I said, I think its a cool place...plus, its a people place & I need to meet people.

Nap now.

Peace, love, and apple cider to all.

Be Like That

Not much time to type at all. Its 1/2 time of the MSU vs Michigan game. Go SPARTANS GO! So, my team is trailing by 3...but I've got faith.

My Dad got up with technology yesterday. He had to buy a new satelite receiver. He bought the one with TiVo! WAHHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Now to figure out how to work it properly.

Lots to do during 1/2 time. Go SPARTANS!

T out.