Watermelon Crawl

If I could use 2 titles, the 2nd title would be "Spear 'em in the cup" curtosy of J. I need to learn to not let people get under my skin so easily and when they do, screw them...or heck, spear 'em in the cup.

I'm at such a crossroads in my life. My family is changing due to my mom's health and the way her family is just a bunch of pains! My friends are changing because I'm learning what true friends are and how to have FUN with my true friends. My relationship is nonexistant. I have to learn how to be single. (Not that my mind thinks its single, but technically it is) I'm recreating a church relationship or at least, trying.

Today, I went to church again. Slowly I'll learn to get comfortable there. Tonight I helped out with a halloween thing they had going on. I got a reminder why I rebel against my parents choices. My Dad and Mr. S weren't being nice about another group of Christians. Its a group that lots of my friends and some family belong to. I was offended. What makes our denomination so great and theirs so wrong? We are Christians, we are in this together! I spoke my peace and walked away from them.

Bowling yesterday sucked. For starters neither of the boys were there so we totally lost the tie-die team effect when there are only 2 out of 4 people there. I bowled terrible. P seemed to have an attitude with me 2 hours before bowling started. The tention was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Shell's team was like 4 sets of lanes away. I was excited about next time we bowled cause Shell's team is bowling a cool team and they are next to us...but NO. None of them will be there. Greaaaaaat.

I'm missing K lately. I haven't talked to her in forever. We are never online at the same time anymore and with the multi hour time difference I never know when is a good time to call. I miss the days and nights of us chatting literally until the sun came up. She understands me so well. She isn't afraid to tell me that I'm wrong.

The weekend is drawing near a close and I have to say it was one of the most boring weekends I've had in a while. It was a little relaxing but boring overall. I know that they will be like that for the next little while. I'm doing my best to not let myself slip into a full depression. Wish me luck.

Its been nearly 72 hours since I called ST last. I miss him, I love him, I want him.

Tuesday is Election Day! Everyone get out and VOTE!

Spell check won't work...deal!

Monster Mash

My company is *oh so nice* today! They bought us donuts and apple cider. Another reason that days is better, I actually get to have the goodies. Before when I worked nights, we saw an empty box. I'm tempted to hide a gallon of cider (or is it cidar?) and a dozen donuts for my midnight crew.

Last night was a rough night. I was really missing ST, called him 3 times. 3 times within 72 minutes! I had myself so worked up over the situation that I was phyiscally sick. That's just not cool. I didn't eat dinner, couldn't sleep. It was just bad all around.

Just don't feel like typing. I'll type more later, I'm sure.

My best friend

There is a message board I frequent where currently people are posting other peoples blog address/posts to see where they have talked about others. I just don't get it.

Speaking of that message board, someone on there hurt my feelings a couple of days ago. I thought about replying to her public post, but I didn't want to go the low way. I thought about emailing her about it, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of ot. Well, its 3 days later and its still bothering me. Why do I let people rent space in my head?

I Swear

Its ZERO! Dammit...its ZERO! Not O. When I ask for your phone number, zip code, etc...there is no O in it.

Also, I don't care if zip codes are "just for the post office", I asked for it so just give it to me. Its not like I asked for your credit card number and social security number.

One last thing. If I ask you a question, giving you 2 choices, you answer can NOT be yes!

Have a great day.

Haappppppy Dance!!!!!!!!!! I meanest person in my company is leaving!!!! I just got word her last day is 11/5. She doesn't even work in my building but I deal with her daily and I'm SO glad to have her leaving!

Hanging Tough

Counseling went much better yesterday then I thought it was going to. It was weird, Laura had many of the exact same thoughts/questions I did on the ST situation. Normally, I leave Laura's office and THEN the light bulb in my head goes off...but yesterday from the moment I said that ST & I broke up, we were on the same page.

I had a decent day yesterday. I realized that I don't NEED ST. I want him badly, but I don't NEED him. I fought all kinds of temptation and didn't call him yesterday. I went to sleep by 7:30PM to help resist the urge. I woke up 2 times before 9:30PM and forced myself back to sleep, other wise I would want to call him.

Interesting thing happened this morning. I got out of the shower, see that I have 1 missed call but no voicemail. It was ST. I figure I'll call him back when I get in the car, which will give us about 10-15 minutes before he arrives at work, but I doubt we will talk that long. Well, I'm getting dressed and the phone rings. Its ST again. I answer and tell him that I'll call him as soon as I'm in my car. I don't know what to think about him calling. I'm confused by it really. Of course, I call back like I say I will. (Note: I hate people that don't call when they say they will!) We talked for about 5 minutes and it wasn't super strained, but it definitely wasn't the normal lovey dovey smart aleck conversation either.

I hate being at work right now. Mom isn't having a good day, but terrible but NOT good. Grandma is there thankfully, but I still would rather be there. Mom is very spaced out, heck, she didn't even remember loaning me $7 this morning.

Today, I have an evening planned with my washer and dryer. I have no idea what the weekend will hold, so I better get all my laundry done today. Yipppee! I love doing laundry. Its going to be a late night.

I miss him, I love him, and I want him.

Brokenheartsville

At the moment I'm doing okay. Not good by any means, but okay. As heart broken as I am, I can NOT let it consume my entire life. Life without ST is going to give me much more free time. I've decided that I'm going to work on finding a new job. Not that I'm unhappy with my job, I just want to use that piece of paper some. I'm also thinking about joining the fitness center as soon as I get my bonus next month. I've got to break out of all my current comfort levels and spread my wings...not by choice, but out of necessity.

I got a text message earlier today from SML that my favorite hockey player (2nd favorite celeb in the world) will at a store about an hour away from my house this weekend, signing autographs and stuff. I'm SO existed. I'm THERE! I'm going to be there bright and early! I'm SOOOOOOO excited. It starts at noon, takes an hour to get there, wonder what time I should leave? I'll do my best to contain myself. He's SO cute. He's buff. He's married. Anyone want to come with? Jo, you aren't invited. You will bring the bad luck of waiting in line for nothing.

I've decided I HATE my height. I'm 5'8". Sounds like a nice height, a little above average...but really its a SUCKY height. I'm to tall for regular length pants, I'm to short for long length pants. Today, I realized the pants I have on look like I'm waiting for a small flood. I have them as low as I can put them and they look silly kinda, and yep...I'm waiting for a flood.

I'm going to do my best to NOT call ST today. I've got to find strength that I don't know I have. I miss him, I love him, I want him.

The Dance

I talked to ST today more then I have in the past couple of days put together. I did tell him about something that was really weighing on me. Now, its just a wait and see approach. It definitly was a strained communication. I'm at a loss for words with him, I know that's a 1st. T at a loss of words, write it down. To lose him is bad enough, but I feel like I've also lost the best friend I had in him. I'm telling you, this is killing me.

Many moons ago, I said/wrote the following little line, and for a long time ST carried it in his wallet. Where is that old wallet when I need it? "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, but we are perfect for each other."

Whoever snags ST is a lucky chick. God, why can't it be me?

I have counseling tomorrow. I'm 100% dreading it. I've been debating whether or not to continue my therapy. I just feel like I've out grown it or something for now. I'm stable basically. Its NORMAL to have bad/sad days. I don't want to go tomorrow cause I know I'm going to spend an hour SOBBING about this ST situation. Right now there is NOTHING anyone (except ST) can say or do to make things better, but I do like all flowers, socks, and candy.

I chatted briefly with Shell tonight. She's the only one that knows CLOSE to the entire situation. I don't know how long I can continue trying to hide my hurt from everyone especially my parents. Jo knows ST and I are fighting (actually, she's a reader, so she knows...duh!). Shell mentioned doing something this weekend (besides bowling) but I don't know if I'll be up to it. I'd rather sit home and cry (and plot how I'm going to get him back).

Jo is going thru a rough time right now too. Poor Jo. She needs to find a boy 1/2 as good as her Daddy. That's what my mom always told us girls. "Find a man 1/2 as good as your father and you will be doing great." ST was the only guy any of us (JJ, Jo, and myself) ever dated that Mom gave the real stamp of approval too. (JJ's now ex-husband really didn't get the stamp until after the divorce. LOL.) Maybe Jo will come down to the city with me on Saturday to hang out at bowling. The only issue with her hanging out is that she limits what we can do afterwards. (No 21 & up places)

Okay, only 1 hour before Real World. Wahoooo!

My Dad always has said "Wlastname's aren't quitters." Its a motto that is DRILLED into my head so deep. Its something I've litterally heard 7 times a week for the past 24 years now. I say I'm going to plot how to get ST back. That's all I know how to do, not quit. Throw in that I'm stubborn as hell. I know I should leave him alone for a while, I know that...but I just CAN'T. Call it an obcession, call it stubborn, call it controlling. Call it whatever you please, I call it madly in love. I'm giving him as much space as I can but this whole situation is so heartbreaking and sad.

ERRRRRRR. Spell check won't work. Deal with it.

Bread & Butter

I've been holding back while blogging lately. Today, I'm going to just type as time allows at work. I need to get some things off my chest. Hopefully, I can do so without crying. I answer phones 50% of my day, no crying allowed.

Something smells good right now. I hate sitting so close to the break room. Out of probably 300 people that work in my building, I'm the closest! Why ME??? It does have its advantages, it puts Miss Pee-Way-To-Much right by the bathrooms too.

Like I said, I spend 50% of my work day answering phones. I have a good time trying to sound so cheerful all the time, overly cheerful. Its such an act. Every time someone comments on how chipper I am, I just laugh within my own head because I know I'm going out of my way to make it sound that way.

I'm a firm believer that time does NOT heal all wounds. It might make them less painful but somethings will cause you pain forever. For example, my cousin's death. ET died in November of 1995. Nearly 9 years later and the pain of his death still bothers me often. I miss him continously. This time of year much more then other times of year. From mid-October thru New Years, we spent about 5 times as much time together as we did during the rest of the year. I miss ET today just as much as I did that night I over heard he died. I've learned to deal with it better over time.

The issue I'm avoiding talking about like the plague, is my relationship (or lack there of) with ST. ST ended things on Saturday morning. Why, you ask? Well, I can tell you what I was told. Do I except that reason? Absolutly not! I was told that he doesn't trust me. We have been back together 1.5 years and now, he doesn't trust me and never will be able to. I have done NOTHING in the time we have been back together to lose his trust. I did lose trust when I broke up with him, but to my knowledge I had that trust back. I know when I broke up with him during the summer of 2002 that I hurt him badly and I'm forever sorry. I try to live life with no regrets, but by far this is my biggest regret ever! I learned so much, grew as a person, made new friends, gained new experiences while we were apart, but it was nothing that we couldn't have done together. As all of you know, things were going great lately. I was extremely happy with ST and our relationship. This has totally blind-sided me. I'm IN love with him, I love him madly. I'm so goo-goo-ga-ga over him still, nearly 6 years. We have our issues, don't get me wrong, but nothing that I didn't think we couldn't handle. All I want in life is to be with him, to be loved by him, to some day have my family with him. I would do anything to have that. Part of me thinks that this will pass, (part of that part is scared to death to think about life if it doesn't pass) and the other part is just so lost and heartbroken. The picture of us that I have on my desk got moved to the back corner today (next to the kleenex box, how fitting) because I just look at it and want to cry. ST is the most perfect catch in the universe, at least to me and that's all that matters. He's cute, funny, a great listener (with ME, you have to be!), smart, athletic, caring. We have VERY similar religious and political beliefs.

I have talked to him a few times, briefly since Saturday morning. Things just suck. I call him cause I NEED him, I WANT him, I LOVE him dammit. He answers and words just don't come out of my mouth. He doesn't have anything to say. I know I should leave him alone, give him his space, etc...but I just don't want to. I wish I could get him to understand how important he is to me and how much I want and need him.

I just can't begin to understand what happened during within about 16 hours to have him stop trusting me.

My life had been going so well lately. Work was good, friends were great, ST was great, family was good, Mom was doing well. I was preparing myself mentally for something to change. Things don't stay all good for very long...but my relationship ending was NOTHING I saw coming, nothing I could (or would want to!) prepare myself for.

ST is my angel, he's all I want.

She don't know she's beautiful

Things that annoy me:

• Door bells that don't work.
• People driving the same speed in every lane, so I can't pass them.
• Others using the dump to voicemail feature. (Duh! that was made for my use only!)
• Skinny people that think they are fat.
• Not having something at home when I need it.
• Others that think they know what is best for me.
• Cars that see a need to STOP because there is a car on the other side of the road with a flat tire.
• My inability to sleep normally.
• My Dad trying to be so helpful all the time.
• Not being in control.

Well, I guess I should go to Wal-Mart now so I can watch Real World/Road Rules tonight. Yep, I'm still a MTV reality TV junkie. Gatorade, sinus pills, and kleenex. Sounds like a fun shopping trip to me.

Busy Man

My previous post took me about 100 times to get posted. I'm just glad it finally showed up. Maybe Blogger & or my computer don't totally hate me.

I did a lot of scrapbooking today. Yay! I think I did about 8 pages. I'm feeling so overwhelmed with all the pictures. I started sorting them somewhat. A little at a time I guess. I went to bed at about 1am, but was awake by 3am since I was having strange dreams and couldn't breathe thru my nose. I'm gonna kill that 7am alarm. I can already see the alarm going thru the window. Oh, what a happy Monday it will be.

I did spend Sunday morning in Church like I promised myself. I went to my parent's church. It wasn't terrible but its just missing that comfort level. I made it until the last 5-10 minutes that I got bored and started doodling. That's GREEEAAAAAAAAAAT for me.

While I was scrapbooking earlier Jo was playing on the computer. We were talking about Mom's health. She's had about 10 good days in a row now. I'm totally starting to fear a bad spell. I should try to just enjoy the good days, but NO, I can't do that. I hate it. The dream that woke me up had something to do with mom's health and Jo being on the phone. LOL. Like I said, it was out there.

I've always billed myself as a pretty open person. I was talking with Roe after church and then it hit me, I'm not that open. I try to hide things, keep things to myself, etc. Especially if they aren't happy type things. The current events going on, I know I'm keeping to myself to the best of my ability because I don't want anyone to think less of the person making me not happy. The love and friendship I give out is unconditional.

I'm trying this sleeping gig again. Wish me luck. Peace out.

If you have it, Sunbath it.

My titles will now also contain TV quote too.

I wasn't going to blog today but since Jo commented that I was slacking...I'll do my part.

I love October. Autumn is my favorite season. I love the weather, the leaves, the smell of the air and play-off baseball. I think this is going to be the best World Series I've seen since 1984, when the terrific Tigers won. I'm not rooting for one team or another. I want them both to win. Hey, NCAA Football can have Co-National Champions so how about Co-World Series Champions? Both the Cards and the Sox are so deserving. I'm glad I'm really enjoying baseball play-offs this year. With the playoffs being so great, I'm not missing my beloved Red Wings and the NHL a ton yet. I know once the WS is over, I'm going to be in major hockey withdrawl. Sorry J, but the Motor City Mechanics just aren't the same.

Yesterday P, myself, and another buddy made tie-died shirts for our bowling team. They turned out GREAT. I was really doubting the entire process but they look so cool. My Mom wants us to make them for JM and TOY for Christmas now. It was a lot easier and cleaner then I tought it would be.

I finally saw American Wedding last night. I didn't enjoy it as much as American Pie & American Pie II. I was disappointed that Chris Kline wasn't in it. I think I might have outgrown some of the humor. I also saw Mean Girls. Funny, very funny. I started watching Butterfly Effect, but I kept falling asleep, it was after 2am at that point. Plus, it seemed like a movie that I would have to pay good attention to. I don't do those kind of movies.

Love Shack

I'm sick of talking about lovely dovey stuff tonight. I was chatting with Roe tonight about her wedding plans. Then talking with Shell about Roe's plans, Cris' wedding, and Shell's future wedding plans. (That Cris is going to plan for Shell) I know that at the time, I did the best thing by breaking off my engagement. ST & I have grown so much as indivduals and as a couple in the 1.5 years we have been back together now. I have no idea where we would be if we would have actually gotten married back then. I'm happy with my relationship and madly in love with ST. Sometimes, I just feel like we'll never get married now, since I messed things up once. Only time will tell.

I need dinner now! I guess its Taco Bell time.

Puking Rally! Someone get me a beer!

I took new pictures into work today. They were taken back in May but we just got them developed. Most of the pictures were of my awesome nephews' first baseball & t-ball games.

I love both of my nephews to death, I'd take a bullet for them, I'd give them my heart if they needed it. Anything they need that I could find a way to give to them, I would. I'd sell my soul for them. They are the cutest, sweetest, smartest, most fun, adorable, trouble making (in a good Aunt T kinda way) boys in the universe. I know I'm partial as they are my 'phews. I've loved them both unconditionally since the day I knew JJ was expecting. I see JM & TOY growing (quickly!) into great young men. Props to their Dad. He has his hands full and does a terrific job with them. They are their own persons now. Typically JM is the sneaky sweetheart and TOY is the funny troublemaker.

As my co-workers were looking at the pictures, they all commented that they were so cute. (Thanks, they take after Aunt T) One of them got tons of great raves of being gorgeous, handsome, etc. It hurt my feelings. They are BOTH perfect! True, they don't look anything alike. They are both just beautiful inside and out, top to bottom. One is not better then the other. Forever, I love you JM & TOY.

~~~~

Cute Story: TOY was getting picked on at school for being dumb. (TOY is 6 years old and in 1st grade. JM is 9 years old and in 4th grade) JM is trying to get TOY to realize that the other children are just being mean.

JM: TOY, don't let those kids make you mad. Daddy & I know you are smart.

TOY: How do you guys know that I'm smart?

JM: Cause I taught you everything I know.

Live like you were dying

Honest is the best policy. I believe that totally. I'm not always honest, but I do know that honesty is the best policy. What I don't understand is how come withholding information is viewed as lying? I'm very picky on who I tell what and when. I see that as me being a private person sometimes, yet in some eyes it makes me a liar.

Go Boston!

Last Kiss

Its now Wednesday and I have NO plans for the weekend. Well, nothing set in stone. Shell hasn't decided if she's going up north or not. Once she figures that out, (if she's not going) I'm sure we will do something on Friday night and/or Saturday. ST has a wedding to go to on Saturday. Sunday, well there is hockey but ST's parents are going so I probably won't go. Also my Mom wants me to help with some Halloween thing at their church on Sunday afternoon. I really don't want to. I don't like their church. I just don't feel "right" there. I actually feel quite unwelcome. My family has some friends from church. I like all of them. Its the other 100+ people that just bother me. That's what happens when you attend a church of 50 people from age 10-19.

I miss my small church. I miss church in general. My relationship with God is good but I miss the church. I miss Pastor M, his boys, the cute old people, my tiny but FUN youth group, and the little kids which I'm sure aren't so little any more. I haven't been there regularly in 5 years now. That place was my life. When I was at my lowest of lows, it was the family I had there that let me know everything would be okay. It was there, with my church family, that so many great events of my life happen. **Do Dis** That says it all. I miss those boys so much. The 3 stooges as I always called them. Wonder what they are up to now? Hopefully they all have their lives together much more then when we went our separate ways. Pastor M has had the greatest impact on my life. If I'm ever in a situation where I just get 1 phone call, he's the man. I've looked (not that much, I'll admit) for a church. No luck. I could go back to my little church, but it won't be the same...plus its not the most convently located place. On any given Sunday it would take 30+ minutes from ST's place or 60+ from my parents house. I miss church being 5 miles/10 minutes down the road. Okay, I am going to church this weekend. Don't know where yet, but Sunday morning I'm doing the church gig.

Since I'm sure inquiring minds want to know. Yes, ST has a wedding to go to this weekend. No, I'm not going. No, its not someone in his family. Remember what works for one relationship doesn't mean it works for all relationships. We're happy, in love, and our relationship works for US. Wow, I sound defensive. Maybe cause I've had enough of everyone belittling and disrepecting my relationship.

I'm hungry Mama, I'm hungry.

I don't really have a lot to say.

I forgot the html book at ST's. Its out of my way to stop and get it. Darn it. I'm bored, have time to play and no book.

Work has been busy lately. I wish it would get to a steady busy, not BUSY. No time to read blogs during the day, let alone type anything into my blog.

I can tell my skin is getting REAL thin with JV. She kept me awake until after 3am Sunday night/Monday morning. Then, of course, I couldn't fall asleep. I really don't want to approach her about things, but I might have to soon. Lots of little things building up.

Life is so strange, in a good way. Let's talk about my friend, Shell. She's one that I actually see and talk to pretty often. She was always the kind of friend that I knew would be there for me in a heartbeat, if I needed ANYTHING, but basically she was more of the "social" friend type. Within the past 2 months, I feel like we have gotten so much closer. Closer on a deeper level. I'm trusting her with things I would have kept to myself or just told ST. In the past couple years I've been out growing my childhood friends and its so nice to get closer to someone that's been around for a long while. Heck, her dad even knows my name now.

Speaking of my friends. I haven't talked to P hardly at all lately. Wonder how the outdoor wedding she had this past weekend went. 50 degrees and raining. Great weather. Haven't talked to SML lately either. He's working so many hours right now, its just impossible. I called KC on Friday to wish her a happy birthday. I got her voicemail. Haven't heard from her since. We were supposed to get together about 3 weeks ago now to exchange picutres from Army Boy's party. Geez. I haven't gotten an IM's or emails for Army Boy since he went back to the Sandbox. I hope he's doing well and not telling people to go fuck themselves. That's my favorite line ever. "With all do respect Ma'am. Go fuck yourself." That's a classic.

Friends in Low Places

OMG! I'm going to scream! Now! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay, that didn't work. I still want to throw her thru a wall. JV has been getting on my nerves more and more lately. I have no problem with her having people over, whenever. Tonight at 11pm ST & I went to bed. About 2 hours into my sleep JV & her friend were talking so loud AND had the television so loud that I could make out everything they were saying. I know I'm a light sleeper, but seriously. ST wasn't so happy when I got out of the bed. I think he's feeling like if it was him or M making the noise, I wouldn't have been so snotty about it. Not true. Yesterday when ST & M were making noise and it woke me up, I went around slamming doors for 20 minutes. My sleep is precious. I need my sleep. I have to work hard to get sleep (especially night time, real sleep). People who can sleep anytime, anywhere just can't understand how difficult sleeping can be. M is out of town until Wednesday. Wonder how JV is going to survive?! She mentioned going up north (where M is at) tomorrow night after class. Give me a break! Let the boy go up north with his brother for a couple days without you!

Everywhere

The other night, I was playing around on Okcupid.com. Its the website that Good Alex had me go to. I was taking silly quizzes for hours. The results of one of them are below.

The Sudden DepartureRandom Brutal Love Master (RBLMf)
Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure. You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.
Your exact opposite:The InternDeliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer
We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

~~Well. I am a fantastic girl. I never know what I want. (Try asking me where I want to go for dinner and 3 hours later, I'll give you an answer.) I did the grass is greener thing, to only come back to where I started. I do fall for people easily. Sometimes to easily. I do get bored easily. I get bored all the time, no matter what its about. I could have told myself all those things, but NO. I take some silly online quiz to tell me a bunch of stuff I know. Maybe I should quit my job and start writing online quizzes.

BTW. I hate hate hate Madden!

Crazy!

I did it! With a little help from ST, I added a little thingy to the right side of my blog. There is a blogexplusion link. Yay! Okay, there was a lot of help from ST.

I hate titles

Why does everything have to have a title? I don't like titles. My posts are totally random and jump from one thing to another, why create a title? I think I might start making my titles song and movie lines/titles just to have a title. They will be random. Whatever pops into my brain at the moment. Yep, that's it. No more regular titles.

So, Friday after work I was going shopping and dining with Shell. I got to Shell's house before her. Visited with her Dad (Marv Rocks!) for awhile. Shell and I have been friends for geezzzz about 10 years now and it was the FIRST time that Marv knew my name without help from someone else. Marv wanted to discuss politics. Thankfully I managed to make that discussion last less then 2 minutes. Sports were a much better topic. I hate discussing politics. I hate discussing politics and religion with anyone. I have my views, they are different from the majority. If people want to listen to my views that's fine and I will respectfully listen to theirs. I don't want to debate them, hear why I'm wrong, etc. To each their own.

Shell & I went to Hallmark. I did my part to keep Hallmark (& their silly Hallmark holiday) in business. I spent over $3 on a Sweetest Day card for ST. It was very fitting. It said something along the lines of "Thinking of you, thinking of you & me, then I got confused and just thought about me." Shell got J a really cute (new relationship) card. It said something about their relationship being giggly. After shopping we went to dinner where A joined just. He was almost nice to me. I'm learning how to deal with him and not let him get under my skin. He's really a great person, I just get annoyed that he can NEVER be serious.

Saturday was interesting. ST and I were on the way to the store when my phone rang. It was Shell. What does she want at like noon?

Me: "Hey Shell."

Shell: "Have you talked to Roe today?"

Me: "No, why? What's wrong?"

Shell: "Oh, no. Nothing is wrong. Just call her as soon as you can."

Me: "I'm confused but okay. Will do."

So, I hang up and call Roe right away. Turns out Roe just got engaged! Wow. Shocked. Would. Be. An. Understatement. I don't even know this boys name. Last I saw Roe was back in April and I know she wasn't dating him then. This one is the ONE. Wait, wasn't Brian, Brad, and Phil (all within the past 2 years) the "one." I'm sure I'm missing a few too. I'm truly happy for her!! Shock, but happy. Hopefully this really is the ONE and works out. I'm not shocked over the time they have been together (cause I know someone else that this WILL be happening to) just shocked cause everyone is the ONE. So, anyways. Congrats Roe! I'm happy for you seriously.

ST finally listened for once and didn't give into Hallmark and the silly holiday. He did make me dinner yesterday, which is something I would like more then some overpriced (cause its a silly holiday) flowers.

Spent last night at our little new hangout bar/resturant with ST, Shell & J. It was fun. I always have fun with the 3 of them. Shell got a cute fancy watch for Sweetest Day (& for congrats on her new job!). Now in a couple of months, J take the watch back cause he sold it. Its a pretty watch. Something like I would actually wear. Then again, it wasn't digital.

M got JV a Wedding Scrapbook for Sweetest Day. Gag! Gag me PLEASE. Seriously. Please, someone do something, quick. ST voiced his opinion much more openly last night about his feelings for JV, his dislike for her. I know love is blind, but why is love stupid sometimes?

Today I get to be a bump on a log. Watch football, play online and eat. Sounds like a great day to me.

I was going to add links and stuff this weekend, well yeah. Maybe this week. ST is loaning me HTML for Dummies. Wish me luck.

Ramblings of a WINNER!

For about a month now, my Mom has been asking to go to the theatre. Odd for her. She's more into sports and busy stuff. She mentioned just last night that I should get her theatre tickets for her birthday. She doesn't care what she sees or what theatre its at. She just wants to get dressed up a little bit, go downtown and go to the theatre. I really wish that I could get her tickets, but I just can't...plus chances are, if we were to take her she wouldn't be able to stay awake for the entire thing and/or won't remember it the next day. Well...

Guess what!! Mom's going to the theatre! I'm so happy because she's so excited!!!!!!!!!!! I know these days are numbered so I cherish them so much. I won 4 tickets to see Evita. Its not until the end of November. Hopefully she'll still want to go then. ST has already expressed his desire to not go. So, I have know idea who else I'll take. Anyone want to go? (remember you have to have be able to deal with my mom)

~~~~~~

Signs of New Relationship Syndrome:

• Boy still opens car door for girl.
• They bicker about who says "I love you" first.
• Girl wants to go shopping for a Sweetest Day gift.

So, my plans for today include going to dinner & shopping with Shell. They're so cute. She's gonna marry that boy, someday. They haven't been dating that long, but its just so obvious that they are perfect for each other. People get on my nerves lately when they say negative things about Shell and J. Grow some balls and say it to their faces. They can handle it. I knew within a week that I was in love with ST. I knew for sure, within 2 months that I'm going to marry him. Of course, life happens and things change, but my heart has brought me back with him, where I belong. Why is falling in love quickly such an odd concept for some? Why must others judge especially when it has nothing to do with them?

~~~~~~

As I started to type about yesterday. I know I'm distancing myself from some people. Really, its one person. Our interests, goals, family, and friends are changing. We don't have much in common anymore and most importantly, the straw that is breaking my back. I don't trust this person anymore. Once trust is broken with me, its a bitch to get back. This person will continue to be in my life, I know that. I just want my space, dammit!

As my brain turns

I know I'm creating a distance between myself and some of those that I'm close to. I'm doing it on purpose.

Okay, forget it. I can't blog tonight. I'm just not into it right now. Plus, I'm off to check out a website that good Alex said to check out. I'm sure it will be interesting.

Yes, there is good Alex and other Alex. Good Alex is the one that is over every day. Other Alex, is just that. Other Alex is aka church camp Alex.

Never!

No one should ever be allowed a day off work. NEVER! Jess is off today, to go on a field trip with her daugher. How silly of her. How dare her use the time off that she has earned. Every single day that she has been off, my office has been out of control! I like being busy but I like being able to breathe and pee every now and then.

Next year, every day that Jess takes off, I'm either taking off too, or calling in sick! Hell, give this company a choice and no one would ever be allow off, not even to pee.

The Rambler

I saw my social worker for the 1st time in 2 months today. She's back from maternity leave. It was nice to see her, because I like her...but I just don't feel like I need her any more. I have dealt with all the cards that life has thrown at me really well lately. I don't know how to tell her, I want to be done. Silly, I know.

Why does everyone look at me like I have 5 heads every time I say I want to join a nudist colony? I'm NOT joking. I think it would be so cool. I drive pass one daily. Can't see anything, but I've read their website and it sounds fun. Some day! Anyone want to join with me?

If I stay home this weekend, I'm going to figure out how to make my blog cool. I want to be able to add links within the posts and also links on the side and stuff. I'd rather do something fun & exciting, but nothing is knocking at my door. I might go up to the bowling alley on Saturday night to keep Shell company.

ST just drunk dialed me. I'm just not in the mood for that. He's out of town and I miss him. I hate that I barely get to talk to him when he's away. He's playing pool with his buddy. I don't need a play by play, thanks!

I'm chatting with SML right now. He entertains me. Seems like every online converstation I have with him, includes me saying "sure, just color me confused!" I don't know why, but IMing with him annoys me really quick. Fun, interesting, and annoying all at once. I can send him 100 emails and talk to him 100 minutes a day and be fine...yet IM's just...yeah. Its all good. Jerkball! He just told me I'm never sweet! Okay, he's probably right.

In case ya'll missed the memo. I'm a bitch. I speak my mind, so in this day and age, it makes me a bitch. I'm okay with that. Of course, I think there are some people that I don't speak my mind to enough!!!!!

Anyone heard the song "Save a Horse" by Big & Rich? If you haven't, its worth your time. I have had it stuck in my head all day. To bad my cowboy is 4 states away. LMAO.
I'll just end this post now.

Answers

For starters, I'm in a better mood then I was at 9:15 this morning. Tired but not as crabby.

I have some good news! We have answers!!!!!!!! Finally 360 days after things got BAD with Mom, we have answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The answers aren't good, but you have no idea what a relief it is to have answers. I'm sitting at my desk, just zoning out. I'm glad we have answers, now to just really deal with the answers. Until we had final answers, I guess I just hoped and prayed that what we thought was going on wasn't true.

The verdict is...

• She does NOT have MS.
• She does have very severe epilepsy.
• She does have alzheimer's.

Of course there are her other severe health issues that have been there (and getting worse) my entire life. Currently she has kidney stones, which is what has caused the terrible vomiting as of late.

Upset

Well, I slept for crap. My less then 3 hours of sleep were just crappy. My good mood is gone. Its gonna be a crappy day.

Then, I am late to work. ERRRRRRRR! I hate lateness. I left my house 6 minutes earlier then I did yesterday, yet I got here 15 minutes later.

Once here, I talk with Jess about what happened yesterday. Grandma being sick, mom being home alone. I mention that I MIGHT switch my hours and work 2 nights a week. She simply says "I don't think you can do that, You don't have a school schedule." Ummm. Okay. That's the first I've heard of that. I know we approve schedule changes ALL the time, mainly for the college kids but also for others (like when their kids school schedule changes, husbands hours change, etc.). I'm just annoyed. She wasn't nice about it. Maybe, I'm just crabby. Sometimes being friends with your boss isn't cool.

A couple others

I forgot some other people, that will be mentioned often.

Jess. She's my boss. She's my friend. I worked with her for about 2 years. Then, she got promoted. About 5 months ago, she took me under her wing to my current position.

M. He is one of the best guys in the entire world. One of ST's roommates. He's smart, cute, hilarious, athletic, and just a great friend.

JV. She is M's girlfriend, ST's other roommie. She's interesting. She has a cool job that gets us lots of good food for little money.

If any female that is really evil wants to try to break up M & JV, I'd bake you a cake! Don't get me wrong JV is basically nice but M deserves much better! Heck, I wouldn't even make you a cake...I'd buy you one and that's much better.

-----------

I can't believe that I've been at my current employer almost 3 years now. (11/05/01) I never thought I would be there that long. One of these days I WILL get a "real" (translate EMT-B) job.

I also can't believe its nearly 3AM and I have to be up for work at 7am and won't get back to sleep til at least 8PM.

I can't believe Jo isn't snoring!

I can't believe I'm going to be 25 in less than a month. I'm getting OLD. Yes, I'm still having a crisis about turning the big 2-5.

I can't believe JJ broke her hand on a treadmill. She gets pins put in tomorrow. I'm still LMAO about it.

Okay, the computer clock now says 3AM and that's when I told L that I would go to bed.

The real reason I can't sleep

Here is an email I sent a couple of minutes ago, to those that I'm close to. (Shell, SML, and ST...I know you didn't get email. You know why!)

Hi ya'll--

I value your opinions. I trust you to be brutally and totally honest with me.Okay...this is going to be long and probably disorganized.

Its 01:32 and I can't sleep over this. I feel my heart breaking in 20 pieces other this. I need you input, ideas, opinions, etc.We all know my mom's health is failing and fast. We all know that she's a lot of work to take care of, plus now someone else has to do the things she used to do. (Cook, clean, take care of the "farm", etc.) So far, my Grandma (she's in good health to be 75!) is doing most of the work. Some things have happened in the past 2 days to put me in a real position to look at the big picture of my life seriously. Grandma is currently in the hospital (iodine poisoning). It has been brought to my attention that Grandma is telling everyone about how much care/work my Mom (and this house is!). When Grandma talks to me, dad, or Jo she goes on and on about how she likes helping, it makes her feel important, etc., (* Note * When Grandma isn't here she is busy taking care of my RICH RICH RICH Uncle's two sons, age 7-5.) Today was the first time that Mom was alone at all in a LONG time. (It wasn't supposed to be that way, Jo dropped the ball...BIG TIME!) She should have been alone about 5 hours. Well, turns out I busted out of work to get home ASAP. Mom just wasn't doing well. Dad didn't go to his 2nd job, came home to see what was going on. Dad and I leaving work early, not going in, etc. is a pattern lately to deal with Mom.Now, I could change my work schedule to work in the afternoon/evenings on Tuesday & Thursday to take care of Mom during the day. It would be much less work for Grandma. Friday during the day would basically be the only time Grandma would be needed. Mom would be happier, because she HATES having her Mom take care of her.

I have a few issues though. One of the MAJOR problems at this lovely house of mine, is that my little (immature) 18 year old sister doesn't drive. My parents don't make her drive (hell, they don't make her do a damn thing!) so she continues to expect everyone to do everything for her. If I switch my schedule around I KNOW one of the things that I will have to do is cart her around. (Its all about keeping the peace in this house!) Secondly, I LOVE my job, my hours, the people I work with, etc. I would hate to have to change that. I'm used to my new day shift gig. (I still HATE mornings, but that's another story.) I like the way my life is right now. My work, my friends, my family, my social life, etc. I don't want to change it. I have busted my ass in the past year to get where I am today (still not where I want to be...but I've came SO far!) I don't want to set MYSELF back. Next, at what point do I get to live MY life? I mean, JJ (older major dumbass, slutty, jobless, good for not much sister) gets to do as she pleases, calls here like once a week and just goes about her business. If I switch my life to help here more, where and when will it stop?

I would HATE for "us" (the 4 of us in my house) to get the "blame" if something where to happen to my Grandma. My Mom's family is like that...it would be ALL our fault. I HATE the idea of taking my little sister anywhere. I HATE that my mom's health sucks. I HATE that I don't have a million dollars.I just don't know WHAT to do. Input please.

Post crazy

I have so many things going on in my mind. I'm getting some of them out there in hopes that I'll be able to go to bed soon.

*** I'm a VERY open person. Nothing I write is meant to hurt anyone. Everything I write here, I'll say directly to anyone's face. ***

Wow!

I managed to get a post to show up AND create a profile! Proves that blind squirrel theory.

I don't even know where to start. Guess I'll just type...

I live at home with my parents and little sister. My parents are great...99% of the time. Mom's health is failing terribly. Don't worry, there will be PLENTY of posts on the topic! Little sister, Jo is 18. She rocks too! She's more then a little sister, she's a great friend too. I also have an older sister. JJ is 30. She's a useless TOOL. That's about as nice as I can be. The main reason I have any contact with her is because she has 2 awesome sons. JM and TOY rule! Its hard to believe they are 9 & 6 already. Thankfully they live with their Dad. He's cool. There will be more about my family as time goes by.

Other then my family, I have a great boyfriend. ST and I met just over 6 years ago this month. He deals with me and all my craziness better then anyone ever could. He's SO patient with me. He's my rock. Of course, we have our issues. We have been together the majority of the 6 years that we have known each other. We were engaged at one point, but I panicked and we went our own ways for a while.

My friends! I love my friends. I'd give my kidney for them all. Some, I'd take a bullet for.

There is...

P. We go way back to middle school. She's been with my thru thick & thin. She's hot. She'll be a doctor someday.

Shell. She's so fun! She has her head on her shoulders the best of all my friends. Her new boyfriend is great too.

KC. She is basically my only friend that lives near me. She's a party animal but also a great shoulder to cry on.

SML. He is great. How he deals with me, God only knows. I've put him thru so much bull crap!

K. She is the greatest friend anyone could ask for. Her only fault is that she lives about 2K miles away from me. She makes me laugh like no one else can.

The rest will come on a need to know basis.

The start

Well, this is just a test. I tried to start a blog here before and it didn't work. Hopefully this one will actually WORK!

As soon as this works, I'll post more. Much much more!