My husband owns his own business. He has for 20+ years now. Its obviously a successful business to 1) still be in business in this economy 2) allow me to be a housewife 3) allow us to travel often 4) allow us to live the lifestyle we do.
DO NOT misunderstand me, we are FAR FAR FAR from well off (which people tend to think we are. Again, trust me...we aren't!). My husband works VERY VERY hard and LOTS of hours. April-November, he often works 6AM-6PM plus weekends. (Again, lots of hours but it does give us freedom when we want to take off early and hit a baseball game or something)
Like I said, there are lots of advantages and for those, I am grateful. Right now, I'm upset, scared, angry, and frustrated. WHY must people mess with people? Why can't people live their live and others live theirs?! I, obviously, must be vague here...but really, I don't know very much. I know one of the government's "helpful" departments was called on him, his company. Chances are it will be nothing...but the stress & headache (and time & possible money) is stupid. ERRRRRRRRRRR.
(Side note...that I thought when typing above...I hope this doesn't mess up our trip next month, or new yet to be fully planned trip in April.)
Moving on...I am AFRAID of birds. Its not a joke, its a true FEAR of mine. I think its the fluttering motion that gets me. I've been afraid of birds as long as I can remember. Along with birds, big bugs/moths/butterflies...HATE THEM. I have joked a lot about living in the middle of no where, aka...farmville usa (which I called my town LONG before the popular facebook game). Since getting married and moving across town (and note, we are miles north of town!) I truly live on a farm. We don't operate the farm portion, but its our land that we lease to farmers. Well, life on the farm just about killed me last night. There is a door to go to our basement/outside. Went to open it last night & there was a FU*KING BAT! I was home alone. I slam the door SOOOOOOOO quickly but wasn't sure if he was trapped in the basement/landing part or if he got in. I dropped the laundry that was in my hands on the floor, scream for the dog & run out the doorwall. Call husband screaming & crying. Poor JadaTheDog and I had to sit outside for like an hour. (If it was reallllly cold, I could have went and sat in a barn/garage/truck...but it was about 65). Husband got home, found & killed the bat that was still in the basement area. I made him check every inch of our house for other bats before I would come back in. Panic attack is an understatement of how I reacted. Just talking about it today makes my heart race & gives me goosebumps.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!
Why is it so hard for people to realize that not everyone wants plastic surgery to look better, to please others? I HATE HATE HATE my chest. My hate isn't about what others think in the slightest. I have looked into surgery a lot...I know the pros and cons. If money grew on trees, I'd have the surgery done YESTERDAY! I've been blessed (insert sarcasm here) with EXTREMELY saggy & uneven boobs. Maybe if they were just saggy or just uneven, I'd hate them less...but both is horrible. Shopping for clothes is horrible (don't even mention bras or swimsuits) and makes me avoid it like the plague. Getting dressed each day is horrible. I have to adjust my poorly fitted bra more times then I can count before I toss on a t-shirt. I wear a t-shirt more often then not because it covers up the parts of me I hate the most. Physically wearing a bra is uncomfortable (because no where I know of sells bras built for 2 different size cups!) yet, wearing nothing is uncomfortable sometimes because they sag and just rest against my large rib cage.
ERRRRRRRRRRRR!
God is love!
Should be a long message...
I am a reality TV junkie...have been since I was in HS many moons ago. Real World has always been one of my favorite shows. This season Real World is in New Orleans (again). One of the girls this season (Jemmye or something like that) was previously in an abusive relationship. In the episode I just watched, she started really talking about the abuse & getting counseling. Really stirred up emotions that I thought were gone. 10+ years ago my abusive past still makes me scared, hurt, angry, and mad.
My Work & Witness trip to SC was exciting, exhausting, life changing, fun, and a million other emotions I could never put into words. We broke down on the way there, had to hang out in a random Church half of the day on Saturday (08/07/10) then had to stay in hotel rooms for the night, missed Church in SC on Sunday. Sunday night or maybe Monday morning the old super rude crabby lady that went on the trip yelled at me because my shorts were to short. Later in the week she threw a bag of noodles at another lady. Nice huh? I love this lady, but do not like her. The teens and all the other adults were GREAT. God did awesome work in myself and just about everyone involved.
Husband & I had a big fight last night. I hate fighting with him. And while I say fight, it wasn't really a fight...I didn't yell or cry at all. At some point, he got in his car & went for a drive because he was so upset. He's still mad at me, doesn't trust me, and is even mad at God. Him being mad at God is, BY FAR, the most upsetting part to me. Today he did admit to something I called him out on last night. I get blamed & not trusted for his cheating ex-wife and other crazy relationships he has been in. I feel like he isn't happy with the changes God has been making in me. I've basically given up my city friends (I'd be there for them in a HEART BEAT and vice versa, but hanging out is really only a planned in advanced special occasion). God has been working on me for 15+ years and is in full force lately. I was gone for 8 days with Church's work & witness trip...and now this week, helping with our Church's VBS...mainly because we are trying to start handing more stuff to the younger generations. My heart is working with teens. Our youth group is growing like crazy lately. Its very likely that we will have to split into a middle school/high school group soon. If so, I'm going to be leading one of them. Husband seems to be jealous of the teens from Church facebooking me, texting me, calling me, hanging out with me at Church. That hurts because I KNOW that's where God wants me. The fight from last night & the issues with the teens are to separate issues...just rambling. Husband has a difficult time that I am getting involved in Church things or something because he feels like he's not enough for me. I have no interaction with people throughout that day since I do this housewife gig...while he works by himself often, he sees people, customers, and yada. I am not a people person, I am guarded...but those I let close, I like to see/talk to. I know marriage isn't easy, I know marriage won't come without its trials...but I hate the tension. Husband loves me, I love him, and we both love Jesus, so I know this will pass...but it makes me sad & heart heavy. I do know I have prayed about it a lot today and so have some of my friends/family (without them having the slightest bit of details).
Little Boy P. I LOVE THAT BOY! During the trip to SC, I talked to a few about the situation. We talked & prayed about it a lot. Then one day, Husband & Little Boy P's family were in court. His Mother (for the third time with him...remember she alreayd lost her two daughters) has been given three more months to clean up her act. His grandmother still has temporary custody of him. (Note: I didn't know about the court thing while I was in SC & praying about what to do in this mess) This week, I have gotten the pleasure of spending quality time with Little Boy P. We are leaning towards fostering him if the opportunity really arises. His birthday is Friday & I won't get to see him...his party is Saturday & we won't be able to go to that. We were going to take him out for ice cream tomorrow night, but he's going to the fair...so we decided to go with him (and his Grandma, sisters, and cousins).
Its late, I can't sleep but I don't want to type more.
God is love!
Its 4:30AM and I'm still awake. Not cool.
In two days (literally to the minute!) I'll be leaving on a Work & Witness trip with my Church. Very excited for what God has planned for us, but nervous about the unknowns and nervous to be away from Husband for so long. I'll be able to call/text/email him so that should help...but still. Outside of my box! Excited, anxious, and nervous.
After lots of talking & praying, and talking to others & having others pray. We have decided to not pursue the adoption of Little Boy P. There was talk of us fostering him for awhile & we do NOT want to go that route at all. This has been very sad & emotional for me. The door isn't completely shut on this, but until God opens it more...it is. Sad! :-( I want nothing but the best for him, and I know we could give him that.
My Mom said something earlier today about when Husband & I have our own family. That hurt. If its just husband and I forever, we are still a FAMILY. Having kids or not doesn't make you a family.
I want children NOW, doesn't matter biological or adopted...but I don't need everyone to remind me.
God is love.
