Dream On

Its supposed to be 97 degrees today. YUCK!!!!!!!!!

I don't know why, but the thought of the "contract" is stressing me. I know nothing on the contract is unreasonable. I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about it. Just blah. For as busy as my weekend was, I should have slept like a baby.

Its Monday. YUCK!

Chicago is in 9 days! YAY!

God is love!

I'll Be Your Saint

Camp Meeting is over for this year. :-( Don't worry...next Camp Meeting starts on 07/21/07. That's less than a year. Like always, I had an awesome time there tonight.

My house is very crabby right now, which makes everything in my depressed head worse. Dad, who has been a huge saving grace lately, is by far, the crabbiest. I can't even be in the same room with him. Tomorrow's drives shall be a joy.

Today is the start of my new "contract". Its a contract, to keep my life as organized and stable as possible. The main points of the contract are:
~I must eat dinner. An apple isn't dinner. A salad can be dinner if it contains some form of protein.
~I must go to the gym/work out 4 days a week.
~I am not allowed on the computer between 22:00-04:00 on work nights.
~I must keep my bedroom & computer room straightened.

I'll post pictures from Shell & J's wedding shower soon...probably tomorrow.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Still Life

Shell's wedding shower (the wedding I'm standing up in, in Sept) was yesterday. It went a million times better then I was anticipating. I made it thru it panic attack free (which was a big challenge considering I was walking out the door as my Dad was putting my dead kitten in a box, so I wasn't calm to start with!) I actually ENJOYED myself. It really helps in all regards, that everyone standing up in the wedding has known each other a long time, we all are friends. Shell is the most laid back & organized bride ever is a huge plus too!

I got home & the wedding invitations were in the mailbox. This was a HUGE reminder that I can't control the actions, thoughts, or feelings of others. Jo didn't get invited. My parents did, but Jo didn't. A thousand times over, I would have expected Jo to be invited...WAY before my parents. Shell has always went out of her way to include Jo in things. Whatever Shell's reason...Jo isn't invited. I can't make Shell invite her. Jo has a right to have hurt feelings. My parents can choose to not go to the wedding over this. Everyone in my house went out of their way to make me feel like crap about it yesterday. I'm still trying to hold out a little faith that Jo's invite will arrive Monday. Either way...I can't control Shell not inviting Jo. I can't control Jo having hurt feelings. I can't control Mom & Dad not going to the wedding. AND, I'm NOT going to feel bad about the situation, its NOT my issue!

Jo & I went to a cool concert at the campgrounds last night. One of the groups that was listed, didn't sing, which stunk...but that's life. It was GREAT! Then afterwards, we went back to our David's Friends teacher's campsite and talked & ate s'mores. From the girl that didn't want this lady to take over, I'm so thankful that I've gotten close to her. She's an amazing person, her husband is cooler then I though, and her extended family on both sides is cool too! Jo & I should be going back to the campgrounds for the closing of Camp Meeting tonight, but no s'mores. Just about everyone will be leaving either right after the 1st service or right after the 2nd service...no sitting around a fire to chit chat tonight. The closing of Camp Meeting is so sad...but there is always next year.

After Church, I've got to go to the gym, then grocery shopping. Joy.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Submarine

I feel like the harder I work to NOT be depressed, the more depressed I get. I'll be doing decent, then something happens and it sends me into such a spiral. When you are doing bad, and stuff happens, its less of a fall I guess.

Blue, my new kitten, died this morning. To say I'm sad is an understatement. Mom found her, so Mom feels like she did something wrong. Blue appeared okay on Thursday and this morning...dead. :-(

More later...

God is love!

Crash Sight

We lost power at about 00:45, it didn't come back on until about 03:50. IT SUCKED! I can't sleep in dark silence alone! Plus, I was worried about the cell phone alarm not going off to wake me up. I might have gotten 3 hours of broken sleep.

I MUST go to the gym today! MUST MUST MUST! NO napping! I'm also going to do some walking on my breaks/lunch today. This weight is going to come off, I've had enough of it!

God is love!

Vendetta

I had to run to the grocery store for a few things to pack for lunch. While there, I ran into Red's Older Sister. LMAO at Red! He's apparently starting to get concerned with the fact that he doesn't have nearly as much of my attention this summer, unlike last summer. WELL, KID...you did it to yourself! Red's Older Sister was getting ready to cut his hair and he said "Not as short as last time. T didn't like it at all." It turned into a much larger converstation between Red & his sister about me. He's starting to care about my feelings. Miracle. Of course, it will be a cold day in HE&L before he shows me he cares about my feelings. Sadly, its probably a little to late. I'll see Red tomorrow evening. We'll see what comes of that. The interesting part, this converstation was with his sister that he isn't close to/doesn't like.

I was lazy/depressed T today & didn't go to the gym. TISK TISK TISK! I'll never get to 130lbs at this rate. The carpooling with Dad (which is probably going to be happening for awhile...ERRR) is gong to really mess up my daily routines...especially going to the gym! Just ERRRRR! I have to remember I must do what is best for ME!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Just A Kid

I find it VERY convenient that I'm extremely depressed and my Dad and MUST carpool to work tomorrow! But wait...he couldn't keep plans with me for tonight because he's working in a different city Wed-Fri this week. Plus, so his car is jacked...he still has a truck that works fine. It does work out well that Dad and I work within 2 miles of each other (and we work 60 miles from home), but right now I just want to be left alone!

Is anyone shocked that Lance Bass (of N'Sync) is gay? I'm not. I still love my boy bands just the same!

Off to find dinner, get Jo an ice cream (she had surgery Monday & isn't doing as good as everyone hoped, so we have to baby her!), and let dad play on the computer.

God is love!

Sistine Chapel Ceiling

I wonder where the posts I've been making thru email that don't show up are going! About 50% are showing up, but the others...God only knows! I don't get an email back, saying they failed. Hmmmmm.

Ever feel like people/things/life likes to kick you while you are down? That's EXACTLY what I feel like has been happening lately, ESPECIALLY yesterday.

One way or another, I'll make it thru this.

God is love!

More

So, my Dad just came upstairs to check on me.  I know he's TRYING to be nice, to show me he care, etc.  I know I'm adding to my parents stress right now, which isn't healthy for my Mom...and my Dad has SOOOO much on him all the time.  He can't begin to handle what is REALLY going on.  NO ONE CAN!

I just wish I saw a solution!  Hitting the lottery would help BUT that would involve playing it.  I also KNOW money doesn't solve everything...it helps though.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

When You Put Your Hands On Me

I love when I post via email and it doesn't show up!

Any forward progress I was making on this terrible depression has been shot & I feel about 20 steps further back then I ever was before. My stomach is in such a HUGE knot right now. HUGE. I'm SO stressed that I can't even cry. ME, of all people, so gone that I just can't cry! This new turn of events has NOTHING to do with Church stuff. I'm just so confused and upset, I have NO ONE to turn to. I have to avoid my family. I just want to run away and start over.

I went to sleep early (VERY EARLY), knowing I need sleep, praying I'd sleep thru the night, but NO! Like I said, I just want to run away. If I had somewhere to go, if I didn't have to work tomorrow. Someone just shoot me!

I wish I could see a way out, a positive direction. Yet, I see nothing. I feel nothing but pain.

SML, one of the VERY VERY VERY few people that I turn to, is ignoring me right now. That's starting to make me cry. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I expect him to do. I guess, I just want to hear his voice and to hear him tell me that he loves me or something. (EDIT--SML gets to live a little bit, he did just text me back FINALLY!)

I'm thinking about calling ST, but as much as I love him to pieces, he does give me a lot of tough love and I know that's NOT what I need right now. Plus I always worry about adding to his stress. He tells me to not worry about it, but we all know I'm a worrier by nature! But...he does know how to deal with me better than anyone in the world. He doesn't always give me tough love. Yes, I'm thinking outloud.

I'm starting to get a headache, which I can tell will be a migraine VERY quickly.

I even tried looking at pictures of #4...and its not calming me down tonight. ;-) #4 is near perfect (for me), now to just get him to realize that!

God is love!

Perfect Day

I'm annoyed, sad, and disappointed.  No one is to blame for it, its just life gets in the way of life sometimes.  Tomorrow night, the plan was to go back to the Church Campgrounds for evening service (there is no David's Friends this week) but its not working out at all!  The plan is to go to the Campgrounds Saturday & Sunday...but, at this point, who knows.  I was SO looking forward to tomorrow.  I don't deal with change well, I'm not flexible.  YUCK!  People just don't understand the great fun and awesome stuff that goes on at the Campgrounds, Church Camp & at Camp Meeting! 

Just blah.  God's plan, God's timing, God knows what He is doing!

God is love!

I'm Ready

Nothing exciting going on in my life.  I'm exhausted.  I think I'll be in bed for the night by 18:00 tonight!

Stressed but not depressed.  YAY!

I'm doing some training at work & its going well, even if the supervisor is the one that is out to get me!

God is love!

I Survived You

I'm a lot more anxiety/stress filled today than I would like to be!  I didn't sleep as well as I anticipated I would. 

Camp Meeting last night was FANTASTIC!  More about that later, for sure!

I don't want to go to work today.  The joys of Monday.  I'd much rather be at the campgrounds!

God is love!

The Night He Can't Remember

I'm getting annoyed with some of my friends.

I will NOT compromise my morals, values, and standards for them.  WILL NOT DO IT!  Get it thru your heads!  I know I've changed (& grown up) a lot in the last little bit.  Get over it.

I'm tired of having to put in all the effort with some of my friends.  (Yes, I know, I have many friends that I don't put in a big enough effort with.)  I'm the one to call, to email, to make plans, to initiate all contact.  Its getting old.

Children's Church went GREAT!  Red's Mom didn't stay in at all.  "T, I've got faith in you.  I know if you need help, you'll come find us."  YAY!  After Church, Red snapped at me for calling him a name that I (and lots of others) call him often.  He was full of attitude.  His sisters were like "ignore him, he's crabby."  Well, that was obvious.

I'll be back out my door by 15:30 to head to Church camp!  YAY!  After service is an ice cream social for the singles (and a buddy of ours, went out of his way to extend an invitation, so we really should go now...even if his name is Scott & all Scott's are jerks.), and then to our David's Friends teacher's campsite for some smores.  Like I said, it will be a BUSY week!  Dad's got softball tomorrow which wasn't on the schedule.  Weeeeeeee!

Off to stalk #4 on myspace.  LOL! 

BTW...all Scott's really aren't jerks.  Its a JOKE!  Love you boys!

God is love!

A Voice Within

This is just a TEST to see if its working to post via email again.

TESTING, TESTING 1 2 3, TESTING

God is love.

Help Me Understand

I'm SO nervous about Childrens Church today. This is so silly of me. They are little kids, they won't know if you mess up or not...but still. Its me. I don't feel as prepared as I should be...but I think that's because I'm not as comfortable with the helpers today.

I slept like a baby for a quality 8 hours! I WILL be taking a nap today!

Mom wants to go to Church today, but can't. I feel bad but there isn't a way for ME to take her today. I can only control ME & my actions!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Glorious

140 miles and a ton of softball games later. I'm spent! The tournament didn't work out exactly how I would have liked, but that's okay. There is always next year. I had a GREAT day! No anxiety, no crying. NOTHING! (I did have to remind myself to breathe on the way there, but that doesn't count) I had an absolute blast! My Church friends rock, the team rocks, Jesus rocks. Like I said, it was a GREAT day!!!!

I hate when I need MySpace to work...and it won't!

Jo, in case you didn't know...I'm marrying #4. LOL! I'm in love. Seriously, there IS potential, whether #4 sees it or not, that's a different story. Weeeeeeeeee. Like I said, I've had a good day.

I don't want to teach Children's Church tomorrow, mainly because Red's Mom is observing (in my opinion, to make sure I know what I'm doing) but I'll manage.

God is love.

Problem Child

Our cats had kittens a couple of weeks ago. I'm keeping one. Dad hasn't said that I can yet...but chances are VERY likely that I will get to keep it! I'm just good like that. Plus, my cat Bad is the best, funnest, coolest cat in the house right now...so if I have another cat, it will be cool too!

The new kitten, its name is Blue...but its black, with very few grey hairs on its belly. Why did I name a black cat "Blue"? Well, I like to name my cats adjectives (I know that's spelled wrong, but whatever). Then, today the kitten was laying on a blue blanket, and I noticed its blue eyes and I said "You're my boy Blue" (Old School style) and Blue just stuck! Jo & Mom think its a good name. Dad just rolls his eyes at me.

I'm trying to not let some things bother me right now...but its not easy. My Dad has very few rules. The few rules he does have might be off the wall, but its his house, his rules and I've always respected that. I'm responsible for ME! I can't control the thoughts/actions of others. I'm leaving it at that.

I HATE that ST lives 5 hours away for a million and one reasons! He's been a real source of support and strength this week...along with a little bit of tough love. I would say more nice things about him...but I know he reads here and I don't want to help his ego anymore. ;-) ST, just know...I love you to pieces and thank you.

My head and heart are very heavy tonight...but I've been up for 20 hours now and have to be up and functioning pretty early for a VERY long day!

God is love!

The Best Was Yet To Come

I was IN BED before 22:00 last night, I got about 6 hours of sleep! YAY! Of course, sleep is addicitive. The more I sleep, the more I want to sleep.

I don't want to go to work today...but TGIF!!!!!!!!!!

PLUS...I get to see Jax tonight! YAY!!

God is love!

Every Light In The House

So, I went to softball. I was crying as I was in the field half the time...but I survived. I was in the outfield talking to myself/praying. "God doesn't give me more than I can handle. I can't control the actions of others. God will make a way. God help me realize I can't change other people!" I played well. The best I batted all season, by far!!!!!!!!!! I had a double, which for me is GREAT cause I run so SLOOOOOOW! We won. It was a good time. It seems like by the time the team starts to bond, the season is over. :-( I think I'll be playing with this team next year though. They were fun, nice, and a decent team.

During my 45 minute nap before softball I had 2 dreams about CJ. I wish I could recall details but I can't. I'm guessing he's on my mind because I know tomorrow is his birthday & I'm debating when/how to handle it (tomorrow, his sister is getting married). Then, at softball the scorekeeper from the other team looked JUST like him! I kept thinking it (I was staring/drooling) looked like him, but whatever...I'm crazy lately and then Dad was like "Doesn't that scorekeeper look like that firefigher friend of yours...aaaa...CJ?" Loneliness sucks. I swear, this CJ situation has to be one of the worst cases of bad timing EVER.

The next few days will be busy, but I will manage...I always do. Tons of stuff to take care of at my house tomorrow night, then lots of Church related sutff for the next week or so. Camp Meeting ROCKS! (Its like a huge revival thing at our district campgrounds) I wish I had the time/money to camp there all week, but I don't...so I'll be going back and forth a lot. Saturday better turn out to be awesome...like last year. Tourney starting at 08:00. WAHOOOOOO!!! Sunday I get to teach (LEAD!) Childrens Church (at my normal Church). I'm excited. Its cool to know that Red's Oldest Sister (the one in charge) has such faith in me, to pull it off! Then Sunday night more Church stuff (back at the campgrounds). Back to the campgrounds Wednesday night, then next Saturday & Sunday night too. Its going to be F-U-N! Spending so much time at Churchy stuff will help my mental health, I'm sure.

Next Tuesday, I've got some lovely appointments to deal with. I know I need help, yet the thought of getting help has me feeling like a burden, like a failure, and just panics me to know I have to deal with things/people.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Giving In

Proof positive the world hates me right now...I tried to post via email AGAIN (which is how 99% of my posts are sent) and its NOT working!

Tonight is my last scheduled league softball game.

Every ounce of me wants nothing to do with playing. Physically, I'm exhausted. Mentally, I know my head won't be in the game. I'm PRAYING for a thunderstorm (its VERY possible), if that doesn't work out...then I'm going to have to make a game time decision.

I'm full of little bits of wisdom...
~Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes...
~Life is full of choices.
~It can't rain all the time.
~The Beatles are from Liverpool.

God is love.

I Know You Too Well

I emailed this post over and it didn't show up...so now, it might show up twice.

Tonight sucked!

While still very blah, I thought I was starting to see everything within my head improve. After some stuff went down tonight, I started having a HUGE meltdown. So, lots of truths came out to my parents regarding my depression & how bad it really is. YUCK! It was very emotional, stressful, and just craptastic. Maybe getting things out in the open more will help. Dad has offered to try and get me some professional help. While pride gets in the way and I don't want it...its getting to the point where I know I need it. I'm nervous that by everything coming out tonight, that my Mom will fall into a bad spell. Stress usually does that to her, and knowing your daughter is extremely depressed and on the suicidal verge can't be fun. My mind is in overload! I just can't think about the situation any more for tonight.

God is love!

Scream

I've got some time to blog, but nothing to really blog about.

Had Fitting #1 for ugly bridesmaid dress that makes me look FAT.  The only thing they have to do is take in the straps.  What a shock, I have no boobs!  Other than that the seamstress says its a perfect fit, length and all.  YAY!  I just have to figure out how to lose weight on my rib cage cause I can't sit or breathe right.  Gma thinks its cause I'm such a jeans & t-shirt girl that I don't know what properly fitting clothes are.  Whatever.  I only have to wear the uncomfortable thing one day! 

Blah.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Drowning

I'm in full blown panic mode right now!  I HATE THIS!!

Last night, I thought I made major progress but I guess not.  I need help, I hate having to turn to others.

I feel like I have the entire world pissed off at me.  I know this will pass but not soon enough.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Blow It away

On a happy note, trying to find some good in everything...

There is something positive about depression!  It curbs my appetite!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

I Can Dig It

I can only operate at surface level to my best friends for so long.  I've been being distant & they aren't as stupid as I think or something.  It sucks hard core that I can't just sit down and sob in the arms of my best friends.  The one lives 5 hours away, the other one and I have such opposite busy schedules.  Everything that will logically help me the most isn't possible.  I just feel stuck.  I started breaking down to ST a little tonight and while I want to break down more, it sucks to break down thru a telephone.  It can't rain all the time.  I have to find a way out of this!  I've got to help myself some before I can help others.  I've got to take care of myself, no one else is going to!

We got Chinese food for dinner tonight.  I took the fortunes from all 3 cookies (the cookies were stale!).
*  You will be unusually successful in business.
*  Don't underestimate yourself.  Your skills are now needed by others.
*  Use your charm and personality to obtain your wishes.

That 3rd one would be really true if it said "personalities".

I wish I could figure out WHAT has me depressed.  I feel like until I can get that answered, I won't be able to get out of this rut.

God is love.

Don't Lie

The picnic turned out better then I thought it would.  Of course, my depression, anxiety, & insecurities got in my way of having some fun but it was a good time.  Red & his entire family did their best to help me today, but I fight even them off lately.  Maybe cause I don't want myself getting remotely attached to Red (even as just a good friend) knowing he's leaving in like 6 weeks. 

I'm just very blah.  I wish I could figure it out.  I'm sick and tired of being like this.  I'm lonely and I hate that I feel lonely.  I'm stronger then that.  I don't need anyone & I know that...yet I'm lonely.  Blah.

I spent a little bit of time on the phone with one of my best buds & it makes me realize what a wall I have built up.  I don't know if I'm building walls to protect others from hurting me or so others won't see that I'm hurting.  Every ounce of me wants to break down but I fear what will happen if I do...so I'll keep my walls intact.  

God is love.

All Hat, No Cattle

Miracles do happen!

I went to sleep last night at about 23:15. I slept until 07:15, looked at my alarm clock...rolled over and slept until it went off at 08:15. That's a full nights sleep. UNBROKEN SLEEP! I think being outside all day in the sun, lounging in the pool, and doing yard work were big helps to sleeping solid.

I want to go to the Tigers game today. I want to go to a Tigers game soon. I was playing around last night and there are like crap seats left (at least for today's game & rumor has it for the rest of the year). I don't like fair weather fans! Wait, I'm basically a fair weather Pistons fan. Nope...not really, not until its late into the playoffs do I start to care/watch.

^5 to Jo for figuring out my new closing line. At least, I think it was Jo...she's the one that comments and never signs her name.

God is love.

Tonight

Any plans I have for tomorrow are up in the air!  Baby Jax was admitted to the hospital tonight, so everything is subject to change at a moments notice.  JJ is calm, so I don't think its that big of a deal, yet they don't admit anyone to the hospital these days unless its important.  Jax had a noticeable amount of blood in his dirty diapers today, so JJ took him in.  Right now, they are in the running tests phase.

Someone is either doing (illegal) fireworks or shooting right now.  In Farmville, there is no telling what it is.  Either way, its bugging me.

God is love.

Everyone

Sleep & Food have a lot in common!

*  The more I get, the more I want.
*  They have the power to make me VERY happy!
*  Without them, they have the power to make me VERY crabby.

Yard work...I'm comiiinnnggggg. 

God is love.

I Pray

My friends amaze me!  Even though I try to live in my little box and not venture out...my friends know me.  Since shortly after I woke up today, I've been contact by more friends then I knew I had, just to check on me, see how I was feeling, seeing if I wanted to do something today, tonight, tomorrow.  My friends rock! Of course, I've only talked with one of them (cause she caught me online), but to know they care means the world to me.  Its days like today, that remind me that I will get thru this depression rut!

Blah blah blah.  I'm avoiding yard work.  Yet, I'd rather do yard work then regular chores. 

I need a new swimsuit REALLY bad!  The swimsuit I'm wearing today fits me best out of the three I own.  Its old as can be!  I got during the Summer of 1997.  Sad!  I haven't worn it since that summer.  The top fits really well but its a halter top & those have been bothering my neck lately.  The bottom needs to have about an inch or 2 taken off the top.  It goes up way to far, like over my belly button, its weird.  Not bad, but just weird.  It does cover up my belly fat though.

Tomorrow actually might turn out to be a busy day.  Church, picnic, probably hanging out with Shell by her pool, probably visiting Jax, then dealing with Gma.  I love Gma!  I just don't want to be the one to have to help ALL the time!  But I will, with a smile on my face.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Pain Inside

I had some strange dreams.  I wish I could remember them.  As I was having them, I was like "this is a good dream.  I need to remember it."

I was really torn about going to Cincinnati for the weekend.  I wanted to go, but knew it wasn't possible.  When I got back in bed at 04:00, I wanted to be cuddle so bad!  ERRRRRRRR.  Probably a good idea that I wasn't in Cincinnati.  ;-)

I'm feeling decent today.  I'm trying to decide if its in my best interests to FINALLY return to the gym today or give myself a day of feeling okay.  I've got to start somewhere.  I feel like I'm starting from zero.  I'm starting to realize I'm not that fat.  I'm tall and not the smallest built girl in the USA.  Lose a little, tone my gut (where I know I carry about 99% of the weight I still need to lose!), and maintain.  I just want to be one of those girls that can eat anything, anytime, & sit on my fat butt!  But...NO!  ERRRRR!  Life isn't fair.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Afternoon Delight

Proof positive that my sleep is way out of whack...I slept from about 18:40-23:20, now its midnight (when normal people are sleeping) and I'm wide awake.  At least its the weekend & sleep schedule isn't that big of an issue!

Tomorrow, I hope its nice outside.  I want to lounge in my pool and RELAX!  Sunday, Church is earlier than normal and we have a picnic afterwards.  I'm not liking this idea of the picnic...but whatever.  Red's Dad is "making" me go to this lovely picnic.  We are going to play softball at the picnic, so twist twist twist my arm.  I love that family.  They are so goofy just like my family usually is.  I need to make a salad or desert to "share" at this picnic.  Any ideas?

My family (Mom's family) pisses me off!  I don't mind helping out ever, I just get annoyed that I always have to help, yet others don't!  Gma was in the hospital (she had surgery and at 77 years old, they wanted to keep her overnight, just to make sure things were okay), and needed a ride home.  To know my Gma is to know that lady is VERY independent!  The lady has about as much energy as my 8 year old nephew (which is a TON!).  She would have rather walked home from the hospital than "burden" anyone to take her home!  Well, now I work full time & have a life.  My one Aunt that lives the closest to my Gma doesn't work, has no children, and not much of a life couldn't be bothered to pick Gma up from the hospital.  Aunt complained all week about having to take Gma to one doctor appointment!  So, today after work, I had to pick Gma up from the hospital.  Now, it wasn't a big deal & I would bend over backwards for Gma...but it just pisses me off that my Aunt is so selfish & useless!  My Aunt already complains that "Gma thinks T is perfect.  T is great & can do nothing wrong in anyones eyes."  Ha!  ERRRR!  Mom's family is just strange!  Mom has 4 (living) siblings.  1 is my useless tool of an Aunt, 1 Aunt is just WEIRD & tries to be cool but I can't help but remember the past, 1 Uncle is so stuck on money & thinks his little family is perfect, and 1 Uncle is so COOL & just rules!  He's my favorite, so is his wife, and his 3 little ones (okay, so one isn't so little...she's 19) rock too.  Why can't the rest of the be awesome like Favorite Uncle?  NOOOOO.  The rest must suck.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  I'm going to watch the Tigers game I recorded while napping.  Maybe I'll run to Meijer.  I have no water and cranberry juice left.  Darn kidneys!!!!  I'm thirsty!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Measure Of A Man

TGIF! 

The more I sleep, the more I want to sleep!

24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.  25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Matthew 6:24-25 (NIV)

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Big Time

This cycle of REALLY bad sleep needs to END!  I know stress, depression, being ill, and the (semi-new) hours at work aren't helping.  I'm sleeping like 3 hours of broken sleep at night, 2 hour nap after work.  It just SUCKS!  Maybe its a good thing I have nothing planned this weekend & need to pinch pennies hard-core!  My #1 plan is to sleep & rest.

Tonight, I've got to prepare my Mom's medications, shave (which I've been putting off...lazy!), have a softball game (which I don't know 100% if I'm playing in, see that part about being ill). 

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger!  I'm stronger than I know!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

If You Ask

David's Friends tonight was interesting, and emotionally overwhelming.  I'm just sick of discussing Mom's health with others.  I KNOW people are trying to be support & helpful.  Teacher R shared a lot of issues regarding her own family (she personally has issues similar to Mom's and her mother has one of Mom's major health issues).  If/when we need help or advice, we will seek it.  Its so emotionally draining.  There are so many other issues going on within the group too.  Its a time of great pain & prayers for our group, to say the least.  Tonight's lesson was on jealousy.  A lesson I need (often!)

13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace
raise a harvest of righteousness.  James 3:13-18 (NIV)  (Emphasis mine, of course)

My depression is still (trying to) kick my butt.  I wish I could *snap* out of it, but its NOT that easy.  Just BLAH!  I'm still sick.  I'm OVERLY whiny.  I hate that I feel like I have 1 real person to turn to.  I hate that I get mad at him when he's busy.  Just blah.  I know I need to open up to others, to trust others, but its just not happening.  One of the other people that I can probably go to, has their own issues & the thought of burdening them with my own mental health issues, isn't worth it.  I've tried to open up to the David's Friends group about my mental health issues, but its just not working.  I tried to open up to one of the people in the group specifically & its not working.  I tried to open up to a friend, but they don't seem interested.  Just BLAH!  I need to take myself to bed with a Mortin, my heating pad, and my tears.

I want to go to Cincinnati this weekend, but for a bunch of reasons, its NOT possible (physically, mentally, & mainly FINANCIALLY!).   The more I think about it, the more sad/annoyed I get.  I think the reasons it bugs me so much, I don't see me being able to go down until mid October and ST just has said/done a few things lately that make me want to go visit.  Oh well.  Everything happens for a reason.

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.  Just BLAH!  The easy road isn't always the best road.  The fun road isn't always the best road!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Speculum

I REALLY don't want to go to work. I feel like crap. I slept for CRAP. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours...and not more then an hour straight ever! I am stressed beyond belief. If financial problems are the biggest problems I face in life, I'm doing good.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Working Man's Wage

Yes, I am watching the MLB All-Star game, but TiVo rocks!  I need more go fast time.  So, its paused for now.  :-D  Whether I actually stay awake for the entire game or not, God only knows.

We all know by now that Princess Whiny Bit*h doesn't feel good.  Well, I have these lovely medications (one to take every 6 hours, one to take every twice a day, and one to take every 4 hours (as needed...which right now, its needed every 2 hours if you ask me!))...well they all must be taken with food.  Well, lets see I'm drinking fluids like its going out of style & I don't feel good.  Tell me how much FOOD I want to put down every other 5 minutes!?!  STUPID.

We all know by now that Princess Whiny Bi*ch doesn't feel good.  That means, the patience I already am lacking in...is lacking MUCH more.  Everyone/thing is annoying me.  Of course, some things MUCH more than others.  I normally think the world should revolve around me.  Right now I REALLY think the world DOES revolve around me...why aren't people acting like it?

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Help

In the past year, since I began my way of healthier eating/drinking...I drink about a gallon of water a day (along with 1 soda, and maybe some juice or milk).  Well, today...I have drank about 3 times that amount.  I feel like I'm going to float away.  The strange thing, I (normally) have a VERY weak/overactive bladder.  Yet, today I'm just going to float away...overactive bladder isn't being cooperative.

From my Bible readings tonight:
13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  17Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. 18Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. 19My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, 20remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.  James 5:13-20 (NIV)  Emphasis mine, of course.


Rain, rain, go away!  Come back another day!  The thing I HATE about satellite TV (which, where we live in Farmville...its satellite or nothing) is that the weather affects it so much, so easily.  If I don't get to see the MLB All-Star game because of this stupid rain...I'm not going to be happy.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

She's Still There

I MUST be better by Thursday!  Not just because I have a softball game...but especially now because (my dad slipped and told Jo when I was within ear shot) my cool Grandparents are coming! 

I talked to ST.  It was a really good conversation.  There is just something comforting about his voice when stuff isn't roses in my life.  There was talk about me going down to visit him this coming weekend but for financial & health reasons, its not going to happen.  I don't see myself being able to get down there again until like October.  Oh well.  ST got 2 of the 3 songs without a problem.  No one gets a quarter.  We disagree about the line we were in at Cedar Point.  The 3rd song, was "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" (the Alabama & N'Sync version)

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.

My Will

Without going into lots of details right now...let me just say my health SUCKS at this moment.  3 sets of drugs, a heating pad, and lots of liquids and we shall see what happens.  Hopefully the pain starts to lessen ASAP (within 24-48 hours) or it could be something worse.

I'm actually HAPPY about something regarding Detroit sports!  A few things...let's start with the Tigers!  Tonight is the All-Star Game.  We sent 3 players (personally, I think we have a ton more that deserved a nod, but there is always next year).  Go Tigers!  We went into the All-Star Break with the best record in ALL of MLB!  Proves that miracle theory. ;-)  The Tigers record at the break is BETTER than it was when we won the World Series in 1984.  Tonight's All Star game will be featuring a STARTING Detroit Tigers Pitcher & Catcher!  Go Rogers & Pudge!

The Sports nerd in me, continues...my beloved Red Wings made me a happy girl!  For some reason, I took a real liking to #11, Daniel Cleary.  Cleary was re-signed for 2 years! 

Of course, it can't be all smiles.  The Red Wings have decided to not re-sign Manny Legacy.  While, I don't like that...the fact that Belfour & Hasek seem to be the front runners for the job...pisses me off!  They are both old with a history of injuries!  While, Hasek did win a cup with us...he then retired, to only come back, have us shell out millions of dollars on the strangest goalie mess ever, to suck.  He screwed us that year, thank God we had a good back up then!  Wait...that back up was Manny!  I've got 110% confidence in our back up for this coming season, Chris Osgood.  He won a cup with us too & didn't screw us when he left & has been cool since coming back.  At this point, just make Osgood the starter!  If we sign Belfour, that's as bad as signing Roy!  At least that moron knew when to retire!  Also, I wish the Red Wings could just get things together & re-sign one of my favorites.  Jason Williams will be going thru salary arbitration.  He shouldn't have to!  SIGN HIM ALREADY!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.

It Was You

Yesterday was a really strange, good day.  Softball was FANTASTIC!!!!!!!  The best game by far!  Dad almost got tossed out.  Plus a friend from out of town was over. 

I am TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Brand New Girlfriend

Another sad day as a Red Wing fan!  Shanahan signs with NY Rangers.  When Shanny first began a Red Wing, I disliked him!  We got Shanny in a deal that sent my favorite hockey player EVER (Paul Coffey) to Hartford.  Now, I'm sad to see him go.  We've got SO many holes to fill on the Wings for the coming season.  We need a fighter...bring back McCarty!  :-)

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

There's A Girl In Texas

I'm starting to have a meltdown & I don't really know why.  I guess its a bunch of little things.

I was going to do my chores so I could get out of this house, because I KNOW this house makes things worse...but Dad is SLEEPING (on the couch, in the living room)...so NO.  Let me just say ERRRRRRRRRRRR!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Wayfaring Stranger

I always prefer to take the easy way out. ST told me about a year ago, "The easy road isn't always the best road". He's right. I've got some situations going on right now, where I've got to be head AND heart strong. I can't let myself take the easy road. I can't let myself get walked all over, I can't keep myself emotionally vulnerable. As soon that tends to build walls towards the great majority of the population...it SUCKS when I have to start building walls of sorts, to those that I normally don't. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger!

Church was good today. I got to see my friends & I missed them. I walk in the door and Chelle's standing there and gives me a hug & says "T, I know you've had a rough few days, just know I love you." You have NO idea how much that means to me. Red's family is back from vacation! YAY! I would be SO lost without ALL of them!!!! Red's oldest sister (the one I play softball with) got me a T-shirt from their vacation! Red stopped me, just to chit chat. It was nice. Its our little conversations like that, where he goes out of his way to make sure I know he cares, to joke around with me, to tell me stupid stuff...that make me want to marry that boy. ;-) While things are different this summer vs last...they are MUCH less complicated & MUCH more comfortable. Tomorrow I get to see pictures from Red's Family's vacation & David's 2nd birthday party. YAY!

From today's message ...about "When people hurt"
33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 (NIV)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Someday

I once read a sign that said "Those that anger me, control me."  Since then, I try not to get angry.  Hurt, upset, disappointed, annoyed...yes.  Angry, no.

For a bunch of reason, I don't want to go to Church today.  Its days like this that I must FORCE myself to go.  Its usually days like this that I walk out, getting the most from the message. 

I had some strange dreams last night.  1 had to do with CJ, 1 had to deal with Jax.  Other than that, I don't recall that much detail.

Today, the plan is Church, home, food, nap, STUDY STUDY STUDY, class, home, chores, bed.  Softball is back tomorrow (for another 2 weeks) then life calms down.  I was going to the gym yesterday but life got in the way, today I was going to go to the gym but life is getting in the way.  AHHHH!  I've got to get my routine back!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Unbelievable

The Diamond Rio song that Jo was trying to guess (listed as the title of this post) is WRONG!  Its none of the 3 songs I was thinking of.  That song does remind me of ST, but not to the point of making me all mushy and stuff.  At Karaoke tonight someone sang on of the songs.  How dare them!

I had a good time tonight, a little boring...but all in all, a good time.  I love laughing at drunk people.  Sad word, Army Friend is shipping out for Iraq (for the THIRD time!) in Mid August.  His wife is due with their first baby Sept 17th.  That sucks!!

I try very hard to let things spew within my head for at least 24 hours before blogging about them, I also try to deal with the people the issues are involving before posting about them.  Let me just say...I feel like those that I love and care about those most are the ones that tend to shoot me in the feet the most.  I just don't understand it.  I take 1 step forward, they take 10 steps back.  The more effort I put in, the less they put in.

Just BLAH!  My mood is just BLAH.  I want to be in a happy place darn it!

This being single gig is bugging me lately.  Like I said, just BLAH!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Exist To Resist

I'm hanging out with the Farmville friends tonight. While, I'm excited, I'm nervous. Its silly, but its me. We only hang out about once or twice a year now (usually when the Army and/or Marine boys are in town). I need to stay calm, not panic. These are my friends. I'm weird. I'm just only really comfortable with one person in the group now days. Plus, I feel like someone's spouse doesn't like me.

I had to go to the Laundromat today. I do NOT miss those days AT ALL!! This broken washer gig better be short lived. While at the Laundromat is was like a walk down memory lane regarding life with ST. Then a song came on the radio that REALLY reminds me of ST (and a trip we took to Cedar Point). Just blah. I'm so glad I can look back at that relationship with such fondness.

There is one song that reminds me of Jimmy, the abusive (now dead) jerkball. The song is "My Maria" by Brooks N Dunn. As soon as I hear it, I must turn the station. Takes me back to a place I don't want to be again. There are 3 songs that REALLY remind me of ST. One is the song he had playing when he picked me up for our first date (he put thought into it, he talked it over with our mutual friend...how cute!), one is the song ST sang to me often, and the other is a song that we heard when standing in line for a ride at Cedar Point. All the songs that remind me of ST, I scream/sing along with when I hear them. I'll pay someone a quarter if they can name all 3 of those songs. ST...you don't count! Then again, ST might not remember the name of the Cedar Point song (I can even remember what line we were in!)

NAP TIME! My brain is a fun & confusing place to live! Bad (My cat!) is SO cool. Have I ever mentioned she has a goatee? Its cute.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Keep On Singing My Song

In case you weren't aware, the 2 greatest inventions EVER are:

1)  Sleep
2)  Food

TGIF!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

I Can Only Love You Like A Man

My major mental breakdown is over, for now.  I'll take what I can get.  I'm still not in a great happy place...but I'm MUCH better than I was!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously have NO idea what I would do without SML!  He's the only person that I feel comfortable calling when I'm in the middle of a huge breakdown.  He lets me scream & cry, he listens.  I know he won't judge me & I know he won't tell me to just "snap out of it".  There are a couple of others I know I could call, but I guess he's the one I'm the most comfortable with & I trust him.

Apparently, I'm not hanging out with ST while he's in town.  I haven't heard from him since Tuesday.  So, at this point it means I'm sitting home tonight...reading & watching the Tigers game.  From the girl that is TRYING to find the good in everything...I'll save $$ by staying home.

I paid off my bridesmaid dress for J & Shell's wedding yesterday.  What a shock, they have to take it in...in the chest.  The lady claims it fits great everywhere else.  Good thing I don't need to eat, breathe, walk, sit, talk, or dance that night.  Right under my chest (on my rib cage basically) its TIGHT as hell!!!!!  But I guess that's a "perfect fit."  So, anyone know how to drop inches from my rib cage?  We shall see what happens when I go for my first fitting on 07/18.  The color of the dress is much prettier than I thought it would be.  Shell says its royal blue...to me its like purple/blue (I'll use the term sonic blue, the color of Shell's mustang).  Now...the dress.  I don't like it.  Of course, its not my wedding & I don't care.  There were just a lot of other dresses that we tried on that I liked better.  Maybe once its altered I might like it better, but for now, I don't like it.  I look like a whale.  Seriously, I've been coming to realize I'm not as fat as I think I am...and I look like HELL, fat bloody HELL in this dress.  My opinion aside, I'll wear the dress with a smile on my face (and be glad I only have to wear it one day). 

I mentioned a friend (from David's Friends) is 35 weeks pregnant.  Well, I got the invitation today to Thick's baby shower.  I'm disappointed that I can't go!  Its the same day as Shell's wedding shower.  Thick really needs our love & support right now.  I know Thick will understand.  Before anyone suggests I try & do both...they are located about 70 miles apart.  I just tried to go to the website that Thick is registered at...and its says she's not registered.  I tried using her real name & the name she goes by.  Nothing.  Hmmm.

Tomorrow night I'm getting together with my friends from Farmville.  We all used to work together at Meijer.  My army buddy & his (pregnant!) wife are in town.  Yay!!!!  A good time shall be had, I'm sure.  Wonder if the marine buddy will be there.  That would make things more fun.  ;-)  Hehehe.

JM & TOY went home today.  They are such a pleasure to have here.  They make me smile & laugh.  I miss them already.  I've got to figure out when I can visit my baby Jax next.  I haven't seen him since last Friday!

Today, for some reason, on my drive home from work I started missing CJ.  I got teary eyed and everything (I didn't CRY!).  Like I've said before, I'm okay with how things are with us...REALLY.  I guess I'm just lonely or something.  I hate being a girl! 

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Out Of My Dreams

There isn't a single part of my body that does hurt right now.  Whether its a physical or mental pain...every once of me hurts!

Its days like today where ALL of my faith & trust must be in God.  Its days like today where I know with his help I'll make it thru, come out stronger!

I'm stronger than I know.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Hold You Now

I'm mentally going off the deep end right now.  Since Sunday morning its been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  Sunday wasn't that bad...Monday was HELL, Tuesday wasn't that bad...today has been HELL. 

I know my ability to process rational thoughts right now is slim.  I'm doing the best I can.  Thank God for SML, he's trying his best to keep me glued together.

I was wondering earlier, anyone ever commit suicide by slicing their throat/wrists with a thumb tack? 

This will pass, so I pray!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Snowball In El Paso

That had to be the most craptastic 2.5 hours of sleep ever!  I could maybe function on 2.5 hours of quality sleep.

God doesn't give me more than I can handle! God provides!  God is faithful!

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,  3 he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,  I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.  Psalm 23  (emphasis mine, of course)

Its Wednesday!  The week is 1/2 over!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

The Way You Like It

Having a 4 day weekend has been VERY nice.  The problem is my sleep is SO out of whack, that going back to work tomorrow is going to be rough.  I didn't nap today, and was going to sleep at 20:00 (skipping the fireworks and all), yet everyone/thing kept waking me up, so now its 22:30 and my body thinks it just took its nap.  Oh well, I'll get over it.

I have very few real friends.  I'm 100% okay with that.  My friends are the greatest friends in the world & I wouldn't trade them for anything!!!!!! 

ST is in town for the week, so hopefully I'll be able to get together with him at some point. 

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Straight From The Heart

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Mentally, I'm doing better than last night.  Not good, but better.  I'll take what I can get.

All hell is starting to break loose in my house right now.  For about a week or 2, Mom & I have been telling Dad that the washing machine wasn't working right.  Then yesterday, I KNEW for 100% sure that it kept stopping mid-cycle and stuff.  Well, yeah...there is water all over the basement & laundry room.  Add on that I told Dad after lunch today that I didn't think the dishwasher was working right.  Next issue, the garage door spring is broken.  Plus, the tractor has a flat tire & the weed wacker is out of string.  Dad's SUCH a pleasure to deal with right now.  Good thing I finished my laundry yesterday.  ;-)  (Note:  The garage door spring & dish washer are less than 7 years old & the washing machine is less than 8 years old.)

Korea is testing their long distance weapons.  Does this make anyone else as uneasy as it makes me?  I have extreme confidence & trust in our military...but this just scares me.  WWIII here we come.

I hate that my Dad has NO sons!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Hey Batter Batter

Its been a ROUGH few hours if you are a Detroit Sports fan.

On top of Stevie Y hanging up the skates, the Tigers lost...and Ben Wallace is signing with the Bulls.

Onto other things...my mood SUCKS!  I'm trying...but yeah.  Its been going downhill since Sunday morning.  Earlier, Jo was looking at the scrapbook that I just finished.  It includes a few pictures of ST.  JM had to then ask where ST was, why he doesn't see him anymore, why he moved to Ohio, etc.  It was so cute, sweet, and innocent.  It just stung today, because of my crappy mood.

I can't sleep because of said crappy mood, maybe I'll get some more scrapping done.  I did 2 pages earlier, got a book organized.  I have SO much I want to scrap!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

This Time

20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.  Philippians 1:20-24 (NIV)  Emphasis mine, like always.

Its taking every ounce of me to stay a little bit sane right now!  I know this depression rut will NOT last forever.  It might seem that way, but it won't!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Close Friends

To say I'm crabby right now, would probably be the biggest understatement of the year!  They don't call me Princess Whiny Bit*h for nothing!

I was already crabby...THEN Applebee's jacked up my order!  Now, I just want to chill by myself and play games online and I can't get my Pogo or Yahoo games to load! 

I'm going to scrapbook.  Okay, probably NOT scrapbook, but clean/organize my scrapbook area.  Don't bug me!  :-)  Yes, scrapping calms me down, A LOT!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Do What You Want To Do

Blah!  My family is on my nerves!

I'm a die-hard Red Wings fan, so I'm sadden by the news that Steve Yzerman is hanging up the skates.  He's a legend, a great leader, and a kick ass hockey player.  Honestly, who wants to tell me a better leader in all of sports, ever?

Jo, is a DIE HARD Yzerman fan.  I'm an antagonist.  So, I paid TOY a dollar to go outside and say "Aunt Jo, its okay.  We still have Chelios."  Jo & Mom didn't find it nearly as funny as TOY and I did.

My guess is OVER RATED (aka Nicklas Lidstrom) will be wearing the "C" come the fall.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

The Only One

I'm weird. That's nothing new...we all know that. The newest T's weird issue, I'm home & basically have time to blog...yet I haven't (at least, NOT that much for me!) and I'm feeling guilty about it.

Last night Dad, Jo, JM, TOY, & I went to the Tractor Pull. Sat with Chelle & her dad (Chelle of David's Friends). Had a decent time. Started 72 minutes late & someone got hurt BAD so that delayed the event longer. We ended up leaving before it was over. Mr. Hicks (also from our Church) was in it. YAY!!!!!!!! He didn't finish last this year!!!!!!!!!! His pull was over 50ft further than last years.

I did learn something VERY interesting last night. A friend of mine (She's part of the David's Friends group) is 35 weeks pregnant. SHOCKED is an understatement!! Not shocked at she's pregnant, SHOCKED that she managed to keep it out of the gossip chain of our Church!

Mom, Dad, JM, & TOY are fishing right now. I'm going to go do something productive...like eat, then maybe set up the hammock & read or something outside. Its to nice to stay inside!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone

A couple of days ago, I posted about how my neck was bothering me.  In the past 9 hours, its gotten a LOT worse.  I'm in so much pain, my Dad saw me cry!  I NEVER let him see me cry because of pain...but never say never.  Its barely manageable if I have something behind my head (like a high back chair, or laying flat on my bed).  I can very slowly turn it from side to side, causing myself more pain.  I won't be going to Church today.  I hate missing Church.  I don't know how much longer I can go without going to see a medical professional.  I just don't want to add to my financial stresses!!

Yesterday was a really nice day!  I woke up at about 12:00, Mom & I went swimming, came in, played online, did laundry, straightened up my bedroom, had dinner with Mom & Dad, Favorite Aunt, Uncle, & cousins stopped over, then we went to some local fireworks. 

The fireworks were nice.  We left our house at 21:14, got there at 21:28, show started at exactly 22:00, we had no problem getting a parking place, and had NO trouble leaving.  Got love Farmville USA.  They were on a little lake, so the reflection was cool.

It was nice to see Favorite Aunt, Uncle, and cousins.  I was upstairs getting ready and I hear "TS".  I was thinking "Geez Mom, I have 15 more minutes to get ready" but it was Favorite Aunt telling me they were here.  A few minutes later, I go outside and my little cousins are just to precious.  "T, T, T, T, Hi T!  I lovvvveeee T."  They both went on and on about how much they love me and miss me for about 3 minutes until my dad was like..."What about me?"  And the older one goes "Yeah, we love you too...but T is funner."  Ha Dad!

We really need to get the other computers in this house online.  Dad needs this device.  ERRRRRRRR!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Can I Want Your Love

I spent from about August 2003 thru January 2005 seeing a counselor (technically she was a social worker) often.  I will fully admit counseling was the LAST place I wanted to go.  I know I would have NEVER went if ST (and my Mom a little) wasn't on my case to go! 

I loved Laura to pieces.  We just "clicked" from the beginning.  There were times during my counseling adventure that I still didn't want to go, or felt like I didn't NEED to go.  There were many times while sitting in Laura's office that I was like "Why am I here?  Am I getting anything out of this?"  Usually, it was on the way home, or the next day that things Laura said actually made sense within my weird little head.

Laura & I didn't part ways on the best of terms, which sucked!  I didn't want to stop seeing her, but was basically forced to because of lack of funds.  Insurance changed & new insurance offered NO mental health coverage.  JERKBALLS!

I think the biggest thing that Laura was able to drill into my thick skull was "I can't control the actions of others."

My bipolar tendencies aren't something I'm super proud of, but its not something I'm going to hide & pretend I'm always okay.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Last Kiss

Don't ASSUME!  If anyone needs a definition of what ASSUMING does, let me know!

SLEEP NOW WHINY PRINCESS BI*CH!!!!!!!!  My head is such a fun place to be sometimes.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

The Rest Of Mine

Let me start me with 2 IMPORTANT things...

1) I take responsiblity for my actions.
2) I am capable of making my own decisions, whether anyone agrees with them or not!

I've got LOTS of things spewing within this brain of mine. Since I haven't ate in 16 hours and haven't slept in 24 hours...I'll let things spew a while more before I say things I'll regret. Lack of food and lack of sleep do crazy things to me!!!! REALLY CRAZY THINGS.

I have a dandy of a good time tonight (last night now, I guess). Hung out at JJ's house with JJ, Jax, TOY, JM, & Jo. My 3 boys are just precious! Then I met up with Shell & went to more fireworks. Then it was to a few different bars with Shell & some other buddies. Good times.

Today (after I sleep some), I get to Mom-sit, and hopefully relax, clean my bedroom, laundry, do my chores, homework, scrapbook. Actually...that's my plan until 06:00 Wednesday. Wait...Sunday is Church & a Tractor Pull later in the day (Go Mr. Hicks!).

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Until you walk a mile! Go ponder.

Blogger won't format this post right & I'm not in the mood to mess with it...so deal. ;-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!