I Don't Feel Like Dancin'

Staying at Gma's getting more & more trying each time. Physically & emotionally, it just DRAINS me. I'm done there, for a bit. I have started to realize that Gma's bi-polar issues are my biggest problem (coming from the Queen of Bi-Polar-ness). I can barely handle my own mental health issues. Gma is fine one minute, the next minute she's dying, the next minute she's ready to kill everyone, etc. We all know she's bi-polar, but there's NO telling her that. She's had a rough life, but that's NO excuse for some things. I just don't know. I don't know how many more times I can stay there. It has little to do with my friend and MUCH MUCH MUCH more to do with my own well being.

Over the past few days, 3 of my Uncles (all on Mom/Gma's side of the family) have been in the hospital. Uncle 1 had hand surgery (out-patient) about a week ago...has now been in the hospital for 5 days with an infection, requiring a second surgery. He might be out tomorrow. Uncle 2 went to the ER because they thought he had a stroke because his entire left side went numb and he couldn't talk right (turns out to be pinched nerves in his neck), Uncle 3 went in to have surgery to remove some masses attached to arteries in his legs (not this Uncle has been in TERRIBLE health for years and its a blessing he's still with us). No word on how he's doing, so I'm sticking with the no news is good news motto.

So...on top of that mess. People are rude, insenstive, moronic, buttheads sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't get into great detail, because of the issues at hand. Let me just remind you all that the internet is a VERY public place. People took things from important, yet personal websites and put information, FALSE info up all over the place about people I love and care about much. Its a mess.

Next point. People change, friends change. Its a sad sad thing. I miss my best friend dearly. Nothing more, nothing less.

God is love!

Merciful Rain

I'm forgetful.

I've been meaning to type about what happened last Wednesday. So, I talked to my doctor twice. He's awesome! My problem (most likely) had nothing to do with taking 2 Xanax within about 15 hours. My problem was because I had taken some major sinus medication that messes with Xanax in a bad way. Of course, if we'd like to be sure, we could, under medical supervisior do this again. Thanks, but no thanks. Of course, the Dr gave me a much more indepth Chemistry type answer...but that's the basic idea of the mess.

Tonight is the NHL Super Skills competition & tomorrow the All-Star game. I'm exicted. I just want to say it SUCKS that they are both on weeknights/workdays. BLAH!

What do I want for dinner? Why must I do laundry?

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

God Of Wonders

So, for starters...if Blogger tells me 1 more time, that my new version is ready, I'm going to scream! Okay...so I'll be screaming a lot. I'll switch when they force me to. I know this system, it works fine for me. I'm from the school of "If its not broken, don't fix it."

Speaking of which...they are jacking up things at work again. Yes, I complain, but do nothing about it. Tomorrow at 09:00 I have to go to a meeting with all the "supervisiors". Nervous & annoyed. One of my tasks at work is auditing the quality of peoples work. Well, the powers that be decided to 100% change that without figuring out what they are doing & its created nothing but a mess. I'm content without auditing but yet, half the people are yelling at me cause I'm not doing it, half the people are telling me I don't need to. The powers that be didn't think this thru AT ALL before putting out a new policy & stuff. I wish I could just say "Let me slack off all day, like 90% of the people in my room do" but that's just NOT me. I need to be busy, all the time.

I'm trying to be grateful I have a job, unlike SO many in Michigan right now.

God is love!

Did You Know

Yesterday afternoon/early evening, I started freaking out about everything. I could tell a panic attack wasn't far off, so I took a handy dandy Xanax (which I HATE taking them, for my own reasons, but know they help me much more then they harm me.) Everything went fine, my night turned out okay & panic free. I got a decent nights sleep. I was in bed & asleep before 21:00.

Fast forward to 08:00 this morning. I called my Mom, from work, like I do at about 08:00 everyday. Converstation was the same normal daily blah blah blah. Did you take your meds, what are you doing, how are you feeling, work is work, what are your plans for today, etc.

Now, I'm planning on going home today. I'll get home at about 16:00.

Mid-October, I was GREATLY offended, hurt, & upset by something that Pastor D said during service. I haven't been back to his Church since. He left me a voicemail once, I haven't called back. He's sent group emails and I've never replied. I have nothing nice to say, so until I do, its best to have NO contact with him. It was brought to Pastor D's attention that he did offend many, so its not like he doesn't know.

So, Mom tells me Pastor D is coming over at 16:00 today. Panic attack right away. Get off the phone with Mom. Take a Xanax. (Note, its been about 15 hours since I took the last one & the bottle says I can take 2 daily, as needed). I don't know what happened when I took that pill, but it was a feeling I don't want to deal with EVER again. I'm guessing its similiar to being high or stoned or whatever from taking to many Xanax, the way I know some people have/do. SCARY. I couldn't talk right, I could barely walk, I couldn't think, I was in a HUGE fog. I ended up leaving work at 10:00. Came back to my friend's house, ate lunch, and passed out HARD for about 4 hours. I still feel slightly foggy. If the Xanax's is going to do that to me again, I'm done with them! I'm calling Dr. R ASAP tomorrow morning. I need to know if this feeling is "normal" when taking 2 pills so close together. I need to talk to him, maybe I need to be on a more everyday type axiety pill (but I'm determined Paxil, while it works great for me, is the work of the fuc*king devil)

So, now I'm at my friend's house. Not going to Church tonight, which makes me sort of sad, but I'll get over that. I have to say, my friend is the most caring, supporting, loving person in the world. I called him about 5 minutes after I took my pill this morning, while still crying, and struggling to breathe/talk normal from panicking. I need to ask/tell him I was coming back here. He says "Sure sweetie, you can go back home. You know you are always welcome home." I love that he calls it my home too, but I won't call it that (yet). He then went on to apologize that he's got a long work day & then funeral/family stuff to deal with after work. About 30 minutes later, he called me back at work, just to remind me he loves me. Then this afternoon, (which is what woke me up from my hard solid long nap) he called again to check on me and remind me he loves me. Awwwwww. How sweet.

I'm chatting with Favorite Aunt, online, right now. I love her to death & she's my favorite, but sometimes she annoys me. Guess we all do that to each other sometimes.

I figured out how to get into my AOL messageboards from my friend's house today. YAY!!! You have NO idea how excited that makes me!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

For Future Generations

I'm reading a book right now...Love You, Mean It by Patricia Carrington, Julia Collins, Claudia Gerbasi, & Ann Haynes. Its one of the best books I've read in awhile. I'm almost done & I find myself NOT wanting to be done with it.

In theory, I'm going home tomorrow for the night. I haven't slept in my bed since 12/20. I don't want to go home. I don't like it there. I never have & now that I've got my friend I really don't like it there. I think I'm going to talk with everyone at David's Friends tomorrow regarding joining some of the groups at the new Church. I don't want them to feel like I'm abandoning them, but I guess I'm moving on. That's one thing about Farmville USA. They don't grow up, they don't move on. Jo, you know what I'm talking about. Its not just Church people...its the whole town. Lets work at Meijer, or a factory forever.

My friend, I love him to pieces, is a real PITA sometimes. I wasn't even going to blog about this at all...but he just called and got me riled up. We don't agree on food at all. At least, not about where to eat & when. When I want to eat, he isn't hungry. When I want to go out, he wants to eat in. I'm not comfortable yet, to cook for real (not that I'm a good cook at all!) here. Its just annoying. Part of learning and growing together. But, in the mean time, just ERRRRRRRRR.

God is love!

You Alone

I have a headache that won't go away. I've tried everything logical, and its still there! I better sleep it off, cause I can't handle a Monday morning with a pounding headache.

We are supposed to be getting an ice storm overnight. Joy. We've been very blessed with good weather this winter season. I like snow more then ice though.

Life with my friend is still going super. He's sleeping right now. He's so cute to watch sleep. Of course, going to sleep at 18:15, means he'll be wide awake about the time I climb into bed.

Many MANY moons ago, at about age 12-14, my Dad made me take a boating safety class. My family had a boat at the time, and if you took that class, you could legally drive a watercraft without having a drivers license. Well, NOW, if you were born after 12/31/78 you MUST take that class to drive a PWC (meaning jetski). Of course, 15 years later, I have NO idea where my certificate is at, so now I'll be wasting 3 Tuesday nights & $10 to get that cert again. Oh well. My friend is going to take it with me, just because he thinks he'll learn something. (Note: My friend has 2 jetskis in the little garage)

I'm starting to feel more comfortable at the Church I'm attending. They've got 2 new groups & 1 existing one that I'm interested in. Its just nearly impossible for me to take the steps alone to get more info, let alone JOIN.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Song Of Love

So, my baby sister, Jo, turned 21 yesterday. OMG! I'm OLD!

My friend and I had a small converstation about life yesterday. We are very different regarding money. In my opinion, he views those that have less money, as a less of a person. He's very money centered, money driven, etc. He looks down on those that don't value money as much as he does. Its weird to me. I was raised in middle class America. I basically plan on being middle class America my entire life. I don't see anything wrong with that. Its just a touchy subject for both of us. We were talking about a grocery store and he was like "I won't go there. Its trashy." I've been to this store a few times. Its not the nicest, cleanest, fanciest store around, but its not that bad that I wouldn't go there. Like I said, its a weird strange touchy subject...that I KNOW we've got to hammer out sooner rather then later. I should be happy that he's smart with his money & goal orientented.

I'm doing laundry. I hate doing laundry. I really hate doing laundry here. I still (especially since I DON'T live here) real funny cleaning, doing laundry, emptying the dishwasher, etc here. I'll get over it.

I've got a lot running thru my mind regarding my 2 best (male) friends lately. ST & SML. I'll post about that later, or tomorrow.

God is love!

The Glory

Today was Monday. Yep! Most definitly Monday! I left for work with a slight attitude. Issues between my friend and I. Nothing big, but nothing I want to deal with on a Monday morning. I have to remember, he's NOT ST. He needs to remember I'm not his ex-wife.

We've had great weather for it to be January in Michigan. According to the radio, it was 36 degrees this morning. As I walk into my building, pass the time clock at 05:57, I'm like DAMN, its COLD! Yes, it was colder INSIDE my building then it was outside! At least, it felt that way! Yes, happy Monday! No heat. Of course, its the first day I wore my new fancy coat to work, which I can't wear to do the normal functions of my job...like type. Thankfully I did have another jacket in my car. Then about 07:30, the huge printer/scanner/fax machine/copier that I use about 500 times a day (seriously) DIED! Happy Monday! So, then I have to send all my print jobs to the other end of the room by all the ones that I feel don't like me, like to tattle on me, etc. Oh, Happy Monday! (Repair man came out, something about the major drum/motor breaking, parts on order...see you in a few days) Again, Happy Monday! I come back from lunch (I had a GREAT lunch thankfully!) to be told phones/computers have been up/down for the last little bit. That trend continues for another 30 minutes. Happy Monday! Mine was one of the very last ones to get fully restored. Talk about a royal pain! Thankfully, at 14:44 I was out of there...until 06:00 tomorrow, of course.

ST called today. He was returning my call. I didn't mean to call him yesterday, but I forgot who was who in my speed dial. He assures me he's fine, but I feel different. He's such a good person & great friend. I hate being a worrier. I know its got to be lonely and boring living so far from your friends/family.

Off to go look at new furniture (tables/entertainment center & a chaise) for my friend's living room & return all the clothes he got me for Christmas that don't fit. Its not his fault I've gained weight. Ahhh!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Held

Visiting with my parents/sister yesterday was nice. I just HATE the drive. I'm getting spoiled by not having to make it lately. We (Mom, Dad, Jo, Jo's boyfriend, my friend and I) are going to dinner next Saturday. Should be interesting. Hopefully Jo's boyfriend will start talking soon. I don't like the quiet ones.

My baby sister turns 21 on Wednesday. How is my baby sister turning 2-1? Where did 21 years go?

Last night, game night at J & Shell's was a blast! It was just 6 of us (Steph/husband, Shell & J, my friend & I). We decided we are going to do it once a month. Steph's next month, date is set. So, I guess that means in March, we are probably doing game night here.

I have stuff on my mind, but just don't feel like typing. Maybe I should NAP! I heart naps!

God is love!

I Will Be Here

FYI...I'm NOT getting married in Vegas, at least, not during this trip coming up in March. I was KIDDING!

I think someone that I don't really want reading here, is reading. Oh well. My life, my blog, my business. Don't like what I have to say, go away.

My friend and I are going to my parents house soon. I'm nervous. I know I'm being silly. He's never been there, so I'm just nervous.

I had a crazy BAD panic attack last night. It scared my friend. It all started because I was sleeping (the good quality solid peaceful kind of sleep that I never get!) and my phone rang (and the ringer was all the way up).

Tonight, after visiting my parents, my friend and I are going to Shell & J's to hang out & play games with them, Steph & Cris, & their husbands. A good time shall be had by all. Or at least, by Steph & I! ;-) I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again probably). I'm so glad that J has returned at my friend. I'm so glad he's came to terms with his brother & I dating. I'm so glad that J realizes his brother and I are HAPPY and good to/for each other.

Is there a point in taking my Christmas gifts to my parents house? Just so I can move them here in the not that distant future?!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Let It Rise

Staying at Gma's the past few days has sucked the life out of me. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it really...but it has SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME! Until July, I stayed at Gma's when I needed/wanted to. It wasn't that bad then cause I didn't really have a life. Now, I have my friends, my friend, and my family and I can't do as I please, when I please and I don't like it. Between wanting to spend time with my friend and taking care of Gma, I haven't been home in 2.5 weeks. I don't think even when I didn't LIVE there, I was ever gone so long. I KNOW my family & Gma appericate me taking care of Gma. I'm glad I can do it, but I just don't like doing it sometimes. I'm glad my extended family is stepping up to the plate more to help.

I don't miss my family that much. I miss them because they miss me. I don't trust my Dad to handle Mom's medications as well as I do. I guess I should start trusting him. I can't live there forever. Then again, I only need to be there once every 10 days or so...for an hour, to manage medications.

According to My myspace I go to Vegas in 1 month & 24 days. Let me just say WAHOOOO!!!

My friend & I are going out to dinner tonight. Almost, kinda sorta, like a date. He's so sweet & cute. I can't wait to go on vacation with him!! Then again, I love doing everything with him. New things, everyday things, boring things, silly things. Its always an adventure. New Year's Day, my feelings for him, about him, really started to overwhelm me. I tend to be a wall builder. I don't like people getting close to me. I was praying lots that day for God to help me put bricks back up. I don't really want to put walls up, but I don't want to get hurt. I don't see that happening at all though. Maybe we should just get married in Vegas, ride off into the sunset & live happily ever after. Actually, that's not that crazy of an idea.

God is love!

Epitaph

Friday I got my nails re-done (like I do about every 2 weeks). I was annoyed because I broke a nail Christmas Eve & the day after Christmas. My nails have been done for 4 days now. I broke 2 nails today. I'm VERY annoyed. New nail place, here I come. I might break 1 nail every 6 months (that just breaks without me messing with it) and now...4 in about a week. Something isn't right.

ERRRRRRRRRR.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Melting Alone

So much keeps happening in life, but I spend so little time online that blogging just doesn't happen as often as it used to, as often as I'd like.

Happy 2007!!!!!! Hope everyone had a HAPPY & SAFE New Year's!

Ours didn't go as planned, AT ALL! BUT we had a great time! About the beginning of December our idea of a hall party wasn't working out, so Steph decided her & her husband would just have a nice party at their new house. That was the new plan. Party at Steph's house (which is in the subdivision just north of my friend's)...well. 08:30 New Year's Eve morning. Shell calls. Steph's husband has the puking flu. Change of plans again. No clue what we are going to do. So, after about 30 minutes of my friend & I talking and Shell & J talking...the 4 of us get on the phone and toss out ideas. This is going on while Shell is looking up flights to Vegas for our upcoming vacation, so for about 10 minutes we tossed out the crazy idea of jumping on a plane and going to Vegas for the night. We were being serious when we added that to our list of possiblities.

We (my friend & I and J & Shell) ended up going to a semi-fancy place for dinner. Its nice to be friends with J...he can hook anything up at the last minute. The food was great!!!!! Then, the 4 of us came back here and toyed around for a little bit & my friend & I put on our pajamas & went over to J & Shell's house (which is in the subdivision just to the east). So, the 4 of us, sat around in our pajamas watching the Red Wings kick LA's butt, then played games and snacked, then watched the ball drop with Ryan & Dick. Dick Clark looks like a puppet these days. I feel so bad for him! We had a great time, just the 4 of us hanging out.

J has (finally) made great progress on his brother dating. I'm starting to understand that J's issue wasn't with me, but with the thought of his brother dating & possibly getting hurt again. Friday night, at their family Christmas party (which was at J & Shell's house) for the first time in ohhhh...2 1/2 months (at least!), I felt like I had my friend J back!

About that upcoming vacation to Vegas...let me just say...
WAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Flights are booked! Vegas baby, here I come!! We fly out 03/01/07 and return 03/05/07 (that's Thursday thru Monday) We are going to get the hotel thing figured out soon enough. There is a good chance that my friend (and J)'s dad can get us rooms for free, so we are going to wait a little to see if that pans out. So far, Steph & her husband, my friend & I, J & Shell, Anna (she went to Chicago with us) & Frank...and a bunch of Steph's family are going. Its going to be a blast!!!!!! I can't wait!!!! I'm going to start a count down VERY soon! No promises I won't come back married. ;-) That would SO make my Daddy's day! He's a goof ball.

Back to staying at Gma's probably tomorrow. Whatever. I need to make the best of a not good situation.

Bread is almost done in the oven. YAY!

God is love!