Boot Scootin' Boogie

I look so cute right now. I wish someone was awake to take a picture of me. Let me tell you about my outfit.

I have on blue flannel PJ pants with white and yellow stars and moons.
I have on a red t-shirt, that I'm sure has a stain or hole somewhere on it.
I have on purple fuzzy socks.
I have on a white & green MSU spartans scarf.
I also have a teal hair tie around my left wrist.

I'm one hot chick. Maybe that's why I'm single.

In case you are wondering, I have a scarf on indoors because I left it in my Dad's car and he brought it in and put it on me (that was well over 2 hours ago).

What should I wear to the theatre tomorrow? I would totally do a skirt/dress but its winter now so I really can't do the bare leg gig. Well I could but people would comment. Oh yeah...since when has that stopped me. I like making people comment about something I say or do.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Today wasn't as bad as of a day as it started.

Work was pretty decent. I'm feeling a little more secure in my job after talking with Jess and her boss today. We started another new program today, talk about a headache and a half! Tomorrow is phone training and I won't be there. Darn.

Kaleb's skating was fun. I love spending time with that part of my family. My family with ST fever was kicking hard core. There were tons of Dad's helping their young sons learn to skate. That's suppose to be my husband and son in a couple years. Keep dreaming T.

I found the strength to go to ST's. We exchanged stuff. I hugged him 2 times, for a couple minutes, and cried. I would have stayed in his arms all night, but I could sense him sighing or something, so I left. I got to my car, prayed and cried for about a minute and was on my way. Round Trip, (including time at ST's and stopping for food) was 2 hrs and 21 mins. Not bad at all. Heck, just for drive time, its not bad. About 10 minutes after I left ST's, I realized that I left 2 glasses there. I called to let him know, and we'll worry about getting them to me after the New Year. I was quite surprised that I didn't get any type of fight over the video games. I thought about not asking for them, just to avoid a fight. Good thing I spoke up for myself. Now, where is the closure that this step was supposed to give me? Yeah riggggghhhhhttttt.

Speaking of food. I stopped to get a sub from one of my favorite places. I haven't had anything from this place in a good month or 2. It wasn't as good as I remember and I couldn't even eat all of it! I'm proud of me. Today, I ate the best I've ever ate. I got 3 meals in plus 1 snack. That's right. I kept it all balanced out, didn't let my sugar drop at all. Hey, I didn't have a headache at all today, even with all the tears I shed. Maybe that doctor of mine, does know what he's talking about.

Tomorrow is Theatre Day! I have 4 tickets and to my knowledge just 3 of us are going. Oh well. I just hope Mom's health stays good and her attitude problem goes away.

The Angry American

I slept from about 10pm til 5:21am. Good enough for me. Good as its going to get right now.

I'm in such a depression. I hope it ends soon with positive results. I'm not going off the deep end (yet). I'm fearing my job security (or lack there of) like I never have before. If I make it to Friday, I'm in the clear (I think). I'm just emotionally doing terrible with this ST situation again. My mind just can't stop replaying him referring to me as his exgirlfriend and crazy. I have realized what is killing me the most is that for the past nearly 6 years, come hell or high water, he was my BEST FRIEND. I don't have a friend in him right now and its killing me, slowly, painfully, and deeper then I thought possible. It took everything I had to NOT call him last night to ask him about hockey, see how he was, etc. He has so much space rented in my head and heart and its just killing me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about the situation anymore, like I should be over it. I'm going to try to go over to his place today and exchange stuff. I've dreaded doing that, that's so final. I've also dreaded it because its not the most convient place. He leaves for a long business trip come Wednesday morning and I'd like to just get it done. Maybe it will bring me some closure. I doubt it. As much as I want to be with him, with us uncondionally loving each other, being in love with each other, us trusting each other, having fun doing nothing with each other, cuddling with each other, spending most of our free time together, I really need my friend. I pray that with time, it happens, in the mean time, I'm dying inside.

I'm supposed to help my Aunt today. As much as I love her to death, and her boys are some awesome little guys (that adore me!), I don't know if I can handle it emotionally. Yes, I'm a wreck.

Off to finish getting ready for work. Great day ahead.

Rope The Moon

Praise the Lord! At the age of 18 years and nearly 11 months, Jo has learned how to use plastic (saran) wrap!!!!!!!!! Miracles do happen!

I had to fight with myself to go to Church today. Took a nudging from Dad too. Then, of course, I nudged Jo pretty hard into going. There was some guest pastor there. It was BY FAR the most boring service I have been to at this church, probably in the top 10 of most boring services ever! I don't think nothing could beat the one time I went to Midnight Mass Christmas Eve! Midnight Mass so long, crowded, and in latin. I think it was latin anyways.

Last night after bowling Jo & I went out to eat with Shell, J, and some more of our friends. On the way there I said to Jo that we should call SML because the other friends that were going really have issues with SML & I being friends. I decide that was mean, so I didn't do it. Well, 1/2 way thru dinner, 2 tables over is SML & his buddy. His buddy and I have an outward known HATE for each other. So, low & behold, I got the smile & nod from SML and that was it. Whatever dude.

I decide that if everyone could take the whatever dude attitude the world would be so much better off. If everyone would just do what is best for them and others just deal with it, peace would happen. Of course, this involves people having values & morals and sadly in our society those are slipping away. I do what works for me, and I understand that might not work for you but it doesn't mean my way is WRONG!

There is some type of social event at church tonight. I might go (with Jo in toe, of course). Play it by ear, I guess. Depends on 1) my nap and 2) my Mom.

Barbie Girl

Advice! Don't sleep until noon and THEN turn around and take a nap from 5pm until 10pm. It really screws up your sleep schedule!

That should explain why its after 4am and I'm blogging!

My Thanksgiving was okay. Nothing great, nothing bad. I really was on edge from the moment I parked at my Grandma's. Everyone was on my nerve before I even had my shoes off. I'm really getting annoyed by their (general their=mom's family) need to try and change me.

I started scrapping some of my stuff. Its so fun! I like scrapping in general, but my stuff with my friends is just so cool! I want to finish my FSU pages tonight, but thats alot! I still have about 50 pictures.

I just talked to ST. The first time in 6 days. We talked online for a couple of minutes, then about 2 minutes on the phone. He referred to himself as my exboyfriend and called me crazy. Talk about making me cry. Why can't I just turn my love off?

Okay, off to scrapbook more!

My Maria

Its officially Thanksgiving now. What do you have to be thankful for this year?

My list...

1. A roof over my head.
2. Food in my stomach.
3. My family.
4. My little sister that is turning into the best friend I could ever have dreamed of. (If only she was 26 months older we'd be at the bar right now, not typing this)
5. My friends. They have been such rocks for me lately.
6. My job.

I could go on and on, but I won't bore myself.

Bonus checks weren't in today with our regular paychecks. Dammit. I wanted to go shopping Friday. Guess that won't happen. I had to loan my Mom about 1/3 of my paycheck today, for medication, so I really won't be going shopping.

All week long the weather report said 1-3 inches of snow for Wed/Thursday...some how between 2pm and 4pm Wednesday that report jumped to 8 inches! Yuck. Welcome Mr. Winter. Now, go away. Seriously, what a way to start, Thankgiving Eve no less. 8 INCHES. If I walk out my back door right now we have a good 4 inches so far. I like winter, I like snow, if I could just stay home and play! Its the driving in the snow that I HATE about winter.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Jingle Bell Rock

So much to say, so little time.

I won't be blogging at all from work any time soon. That's when I get the majority of my writing, reading, and surfing done. How dare them block 99% of the internet from me! It really sucks cause the program that allowed me to do "busy" work isn't on my new computer. Someone needs to get it together there and its NOT me.

Tomorrow I should be getting my annual bonus. Wahooooo. So much I want to do with that check...but reality bites. I'll get caught up on a bill and get my tire fixed correctly most likely.

I'm sick to my stomach over some BS going on in my friend's life. Someone reported her & her husband to DFS for neglecting their child. Their child is far from neglected. If everyone was as great of parents as friend & her DH are, the world would be a much better place. I can't pray enough for this situation to be over quickly and peacefully.

JJ invited me to her house Thanksgiving Day (after Grandma's). The boys won't be there, but I think I still might go. Bored, I guess. Cheap entertainment, you better believe it.

Tomorrow is the biggest bar night of the year. I've never been on that night. When I was 19, Shell, P, & I tried to go to Canada but after sitting in traffic for a good hour, we gave up. I want to go to the bar, but I don't have anyone to go with. Darn. I'll live to talk about it.

Okay, sleeping pill is kicking in. I better go now or I'll be in real trouble.

All about ME!

I'm going to do a 101 list all about me...or at least try.

1. My middle name is Sue.
2. I've been at my current employer for over 3 years.
3. I've had 7 jobs.
4. I hated Wal-Mart the most.
5. I refused to shop there for a long time.
6. I'm cheap, so now I shop there.
7. I lived in the same house for over 19 years.
8. I have brown hair.
9. I wear size 9 shoes usually.
10. My left ring finger is a size 6.5.
11. The mascot of my high school was a first name.
12. I loved high school with the exception of Algebra 2 and Chemistry.
13. I had a dog named Cuddles.
14. My dad had him put to sleep because he couldn't hear anymore.
15. Yes, I was MAD at my dad for a long time.
16. I was the Tin Man.
17. My grandparents had a picture of me, as the Tin Man, made into a poster.
18. My parents will NOT get rid of it.
19. Thankfully people don't realize it is me that often.
20. My favorite color is green.
21. I like to roller blade.
22. I'm not that good at it...but I think I'm better then P & Shell at it.
23. When I was at college, I lived off of baked potatoes.
24. I'm not a very patient person.
25. I'm a middle child.
26. My bedroom in my current house is about 1/2 the size of my old bedroom.
27. I'm a Real World & Road Rules addict.
28. I also could watch every episode of Saved By The Bell 1 million times.
29. I don't like cartoons that much.
30. I do think Sponge Bob is pretty cool though.
31. I don't like going to the movie theatre.
32. I don't like sitting still for long periods of time.
33. I have an over active bladder.
34. The medication for the problem doesn't work for me.
35. I have problems falling asleep.
36. One summer, I refused to sleep (until I just PASSESD OUT!) because I was worried about stuff happening without me. It didn't matter if that stuff was in Japan or Texas, I was missing stuff by sleeping.
37. That same summer, P & I met way to many weirdos off the internet.
38. Some of those weirdos are my good friends today.
39. The first concert I went to was New Kids on the Block.
40. It was my birthday gift from my parents.
41. I was in 6th grade.
42. The most recent concert I went to was eeeek...I don't remember. I think it was Tim McGraw.
43. I've lost count of how many times I've seen Tim McGraw.
44. This summer when Tim was in metro Detroit, was the 1st time since 1997 that I miss seeing him.
45. When I saw Tim & Faith, I sobbed when Faith Hill came on.
46. I weighted 6 lbs 6 oz when I was born.
47. I was born at 8:47 PM
48. I was born on a Monday night.
49. I remember the day Jo was born like it was yesterday.
50. JJ & I were at my Grandma's house.
51. I remember my Grandma sobbing because she didn't think Mom or Jo were going to make it.
52. I once got DDT'ed onto cement.
53. I was once obsessed with "fake" wrestling.
54. I can't swallow pills.
55. My first semester away at college, I had one beer.
56. 2nd semester I made up for lost time.
57. My grades and attendance were better 2nd semester.
58. I keep in contact with 2 people from that year away.
59. One of those people was my roommate 2nd semester.
60. The other was my fake roommate the entire year. Couldn't "really" live in a boys room.
61. I don't like to dance.
62. I went to 3 proms.
63. My junior year of HS, I went with my ex-boyfriend.
64. He broke up with me 3 days before prom.
65. My Senior Prom, I went with my friend Bryan.
66. I went to ST's senior prom with him.
67. I don't know where I had more fun, my or ST's senior proms.
68. My friend Bryan died in 2001.
69. I'll continue to preach my "Don't Drink & Drive" message until the day I die.
70. I was pulled over on the side of a busy road when P told me over the phone that Bryan died.
71. I made her tell me, she didn't want to tell me over the phone.
72. I grew up with an alocholic dad.
73. I grew up with a drug addict mom.
74. I don't like lotion in my facial tissue.
75. My parents have been clean basically since I was in 8th grade.
76. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been.
77. I'd love to travel the United States.
78. I've been to Washington D.C. twice.
79. I've been to Nevada.
80. I've been to Florida.
81. I've been to Illinois.
82. I've been to North Carolina more times then I can count.
83. I've stopped in every state on the way to Washington D.C., North Carolina, Florida, and Illinois.
84. I'd love to live in Las Vegas.
85. I've had the same printer ince 1998.
86. I have a cool work out bench thingy. It currently holds scrapbooking supplies. (see # 76)
87. I picked out the carpet for this entire house minus Jo's bedroom.
88. All the walls in my house are white.
89. My dad is a control freak.
90. I love roller coasters.
91. I hate heights.
92. I want to go sky diving.
93. I want a tatoo or 2 or 4.
94. I love socks.
95. I have three drawers full of socks.
96. If I could have any job in the world, it would be to be a homebirthing midwife.
97. I have a queen size bed.
98. I once started a fire in my bedroom, on Christmas.
99. I love the Detroit Red Wings.
100. I'm going thru major withdrawals since the NHL is locked out.
101. My bathroom floor is white and blue.

I'm a Peach!

Shell has been telling me for a long time now that Taco Bell isn't really food. I think I might have to slowly start agreeing with her. Last night at 11pm Jo & I saw the need for Taco Bell. Then within 3 hours I was violently ill. Jo & I didn't eat the same thing, so I don't know for sure it was Taco Bell...and I don't want to think it was. So, maybe it was stress or a slight flu or something. By 5pm this evening I was fine. I even ate dinner which proves I'm fine. Sick T doesn't eat.

I just updated my profile on here, to take out the part about my great boyfriend. I didn't want to take it out right away because I thought maybe this would blow over. Its not looking that way. The badass in me wants to say "His loss" the sad part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry. So, I'll meet in the middle and blog. I think tomorrow, I'm going to take his picture off my desk & wall at work. Actually, I think I'm going to take all my pictures down soon and put new ones up. They are all so outdated. Heck, JM & TOY are 6 & 3 in the pictures I have up. The one of my friends is from the Red Wings Parade in June of 2001.

I was whining to Shell today about ST and I had to shut myself up. I'm annoying. She's a great friend and will listen to me whine for hours, but seriously...shut up T. I've got to learn to be social again, with strangers. I'm NOT a social (with strangers!) person. I'm actually pretty darn social-phobic. Gotta love Shell. She'll hold my hand every step of the way and help me become more social.

Found out that Christmas might be going on as normal with Dad's family on Christmas Day at my Aunt & Uncle's. Apparently Gma wanted everyone to come to HER house 2 weeks before Christmas but some people didn't want to travel 3+ hours with an infant. Yippee! I'm happy. Jo's happy. Actually, I think everyone is happier about it being at Aunt & Uncle's except my Gma. She isn't used to not getting her way. Now to figure out when around the holidays I'll see my nephews and spend TIME with them.

Time with the 'phews will start pouring in actually. Winter starts wrestling season and I'm their #2 fan. (Their Dad wins #1)

Off to work on my 101 list. Peace dudes.

Six Days on the Road

I love computers, I love AOhelL, and I love blogger too.

I typed on a post about 6 hours ago but some how my computer, AOL, or blogger ate it.

Tisk Tisk on me. I didn't go to church today. Alarm went off and I just looked at it and rolled over. I just didn't feel like moving. Funny thing, I was home before midnight on Saturday. Oh well.

Spent most of the day at my 2 year old cousin's birthday party. He's just so cute, but shy. His brother on the other hand, is my buddy. Kaleb just about knocked Jo & my Mom down trying to get to me when we got there.

I've decided that I 100% give up shaving! I don't know why but I've been shaving way to much lately and its always leading to some type of tramatic injury. I give up. Yes, at 25 years old, I'm having problems shaving. Its like I'm 13 all over again.

Pop

I'm proud of me! I talked to ST tonight for probably 15 minutes. Longest we have talked in a good 1.5 weeks. I didn't cry before, during, or after our converstation AND I didn't have to act like a badass while talking to him either.

I totally hate when Blogger won't work when I want it to. I totally lose my train of thought.

I didn't realize until about an hour ago, how little I've talked to K lately. I know she's 3K miles away, but before I'd chat with her at least once a week for a good hour or so...now tonight, when we were talking she didn't even know that ST & I ended. I miss her, I miss our never ending 6am converstations. Those were the good ole' days. One day soon, I'm going to get my butt all by myself on a plane, and go visit her. I want to feel that 110 degree dry heat for myself.

I hate double standards. For example, if I'm not allowed to take your wet clothes out of the washer and put them on the floor...then don't do it to mine.

Party for Two

I'm hiding upstairs. I hate when I have to hide. My least favorite Aunt, probably once of my least favorite people in the whole world, is over. Her husband is pretty cool but the fact that he is married to such an awful person takes away from his coolness. This Aunt has gone out of her way to be rude to us and about us regarding my Mom's health and how we deal with it. She has jealousy issues so deep, its unreal. Wonder what she'll say when I tell her that fancy dancy singing and dancing 5 foot talk Santa came from Grandpaw! I know she'll throw a fit that she didn't get anything so special. Hell, the man has been buying her groceries for the past year or so...but she'll be jealous the my mom got a better birthday gift.

They are over the watch the famous Michgan vs Ohio State football game. This Michigan native has one thing to say. GO BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, I'm a MSU Spartan fan thru and thru. I took an old white pillow case and made a big red O in the middle of it and wrote "Oh, How I LOVE Ohio State." and I want to take it outside and put it over my dad's Michigan flag...but now everyone is watching my every move. Mom told Dad that I was up to no good.

Depression is the devil, I wish it would leave me alone.

Seriously, I've got to find somewhere to go for the next few hours, I'm going to kill these people...starting with rude disliked Aunt. I can hear her talking and cackling all the way up here. SHUT UP LADY. Actually, just GO HOME!

Beer Run

I have to remember I do this blog for ME and no one else! If others read it, good. If they like it, great. If they don't like it, oh well.

I didn't get to blog at all yesterday. Work was BUSY. Heck, I didn't even get to read the obituaries. Yes, I like to start my day with reading the obituaries. If my name is in there, I'm leaving work ASAP. Some man my dad worked with many years ago, told me that (I was about 10 at the time) and I have done that ever since! Also, on a more serious note, I like being informed. In Jan. of 1996 a good friend of the family passed away. Everyone thought someone else notified us of his death. We found out the day of the funeral home viewing, by me reading the obituaries. Not the best way but better then not knowing!

I know I'm in a major depression rut. Hopefully it won't last long. The holidays coming up aren't making it any better. I'm 100% annoyed and irritated with my Dad's family and how they are handling the holidays this year. I won't be able to attend the event basically and since I'm annoyed by how its being handled I'm not in the mood to bend over backwards for them. It sucks when one of your favorite events of the year, with some of you favorite people gets messed up. Christmas Day will suck majorly. I'll be home napping and playing Yahoo Euchre all day. Fun stuff.

I called ST on Wednesday, left him a message. He called back and left me a message. I want to call him back, but I don't want to cry anymore. Right now, he's out of sight, out of mind basically.

Today is the beginning of the end for Jo. She starts her first job today. She's so nervous, its cute. Yes, she's almost 19 and just got her 1st job. Just call her Pizza Girl. Yes, just what we need at my house, a sister who works at the pizza place. I was thinking about my first job. It was just before my senior year of high school, I was almost 17. I loved that job. If I could of, I would have kept that job forever!

I'm SO looking forward to doing a lot of nothing tonight and sleeping until 5pm tomorrow if I so darn please! Happy weekend everyone!

Honey, I'm home.

So much for winning the lottery! I didn't even play. Silly me!

I have a cold that can't decide if it wants to go away or totally kick my ass. Its annoying the hell out of me and putting me in such a pleasant mood.

I like my job, I really do. I would like my job a lot more if the computers would work at a decent speed on a regular basis. Next week I only work 3 days because of the holiday. Yipeee! The week after that I have 2 vacation days. Yippppeee. Now, I found out we have training on one of those days. Its the only day they are doing this training. So, I ask Jess when/how I'm going to get trained and I'm told, "Guess you won't. You'll have to figure it out on your own." Happy flipping day. Now, I normally get bored in training sessions, but seriously. I have a right to learn the new system properly too. I could come in for a couple hours, I guess...but it just defeats the point in a vacation day. It would cost me way more in gas then I would make during the time I would be here, plus I would then spend a good 6 hours on the road that day. Decisions decisions. Coming in on my vacation day wouldn't make me look good in anyone importance eyes...it would just make me feel better. I'm annoyed...very annoyed.

Hopefully today Dad figures out what to do with my current tire/rim situation. As much as I hate my current car, I really don't like his glorified golf cart. Yes, I'm grateful we have an extra automobile at my house for emergencies of sorts, but because we have an extra car Dad often takes his time getting small problems taken care of.

I'm working on my 101 Things About Me list. Its harder then I thought, (I have done 2 before), but I was trying to make it things that I hadn't mentioned here yet.

I had a difficult time not calling ST last night. I talked to him very briefly on my birthday and haven't since. I need to continue to resist the temptation.

1 good thing I've figured out about being single...I'm not going to be anywhere near my cell phone minutes for the month! Then again, I'd rather have $150 phone bill and have ST in my life, but again...I'll live.

RIP...ETS.

Some Beach

Yesterday was a day to remind me why I must hit the lottery TONIGHT.

If I didn't have to work yesterday, I wouldn't have been driving home from work in order to hit God only knows what in the middle of the road. Yes, that's right. I hit something...not a little plastic bag or something...I hit something solid as hell. Flat tire, bent & cracked rim and all. GREAAAAAAAAAAT. So much for any birthday money I had left to spend on fun and exciting stuff. I'm not a happy camper. I was 100% determined to lay in the damn parking lot until midnight if I had to, I was changing my tire myself. Come hell or high water, I was NOT paying anyone $60 to change my tire. Then, the jack wouldn't work. I've changed my tire with that jack recently (thanks ST), I know that jack works. So, then I start panicking. I call my good ole' Daddy. He's actually nice and calm. Telling me to take my time, I know what I'm doing, etc. Okay, so I get off the phone. I can DO THIS! Another 10 minutes passes & the jack still won't budge! Then, some awesome old man stops and helps me! Ha! He can't get the jack to work either!!!!!! You have NO idea how much better that makes me feel. So, low & behold the man ended up using the jack from his car. So, about 2.5 hours after I left from work, I made it home!

I get home to be told we are going out to dinner for my mom's birthday after all...so I have to spend another 1.5 hours on the road. Just what I want to do...oh yeah, and Uncle BP is going too. Not his funny boys and nice wife, just him. He was actually pleasant and paid me a complement of sorts. Its a complement coming from him. "T, boy#2 reminds me so much of you. He just tells it like it is, and cracks me up in the process."

Man, I feel like a Woman

Yesterday was a good mental day for me. I broke through so many of my comfort zone things! All church related. Yes, I went to church for the 4th week in a row!

~We were running late for church, and I still went. I hate walking in LATE!
~There wasn't much room to sit, I didn't make a big deal of it. Had to sit closer then I liked but I lived.
~I had a coughing fit and had to leave church in the middle and come back in. Again, I lived. I even managed to find the drinking fountian on my own.
~I went to the altar all by myself! I thought about pulling Jo with me, but I didn't. It was something I had to do for ME! I think that's the 1st time I've been to the altar in 5 years.
~I openly cried and cried in front of strangers.

Those might seem small to some, to me those were HUGE tasks. Baby steps.

You're so vain

I love America. I love the freedom of speech we have in America. Sometimes is cracks me up when people see the need to use their freedom of speech and say stupid stuff...especially in away messages.

Yes, I am one of those freaks that has to read everyones away messages. I'm also guilty of saying silly things in my away messages that have nothing to do with why I'm not at the computer. The point of an away message, or so I think...is so people know why you aren't at the computer not so you can fight with people. A couple of years ago now SML and one of his friends had a major fight for a few weeks thru away messages. There was some funny stuff that went down in those messages, now looking back...but at the time I hated it because lots of them were about ME.

For a couple of weeks now, someone has had a rude away message up 90% of the time they are online. Seriously, just TELL the person that you are mad at, don't fight thru away messages. Hell, if its about me, I don't care...just tell me. If you aren't person enough to just tell them, keep it to yourself. Maturity at its best.

As I said, I love my freedom of speech. So, I can type whatever I please about people's silly away messages just as we all can continue to have stupid away messages. God bless America.

Cowboys Like Us

If you ever look at a razor and it looks like it might have seen its been day, don't be to cheap and lazy to toss it out and get a new one.

My birthday turned out pretty darn cool. People that made my birthday rock!

• My Mom
• Shell
• Jo
• ST
• L
• Jaime, Jess, & the rest of my coworkers

Someone got me the sweetest card that made me cry. It says..."This isn't just a birthday wish for happiness today-- Its a wish that lots of happy things come your way." The message that was written inside was just as sweet. It was a nice reminder, that I will be okay. I also got a card that was tie-died. Oh so perfect for me! Someone also did take my hint about flowers. Way to go Jo!

I'm happy to report my Mom is doing about 85% better. I love when she knows whats going on in the world. Sadly, now she has a head cold that's kicking her butt. Since she doesn't have the strength of a normal adult, any minor sickness isn't cool. Tomorrow my family is going out to dinner to celebrate my (and Mom's) birthday. Hopefully she'll be up for it.

Jo has a job interview in 30 minutes. Hopefully she gets it and gets a wake up call into the real world. Maybe a job will be followed up with a drivers license!

American Pie

I wish I understood my dreams better. I mentioned a friend, of sorts, about a week ago, I saw a picture that looked like him in People magazine. Well last night that same friend entered my dream! BAB is a member of the USMC currently in Okenowa (last I heard.). In my dream, I read his obituary in the newspaper. No one knew he passed away, I just read it. The obituary was weird, it didn't mention his mom or sister, but listed his girlfriend and one of his best friends. Like I said, it was very weird.

I'm so sleepy. Guess that's what I get for waking up from 3am until 5am. Dumbass, just sleep thru the night. During that time, I saw a need to shave my legs. WHY? I loate shaving. I procrastinate it terribly. Why did I shave last night? Its cold out, so no shorts. Its cold out, so definitly no bar skirt. Its cold out, so no church skirt. I'm not getting lucky any time soon. So, someone remind me again, why the hell I saw a need to shave my legs at 4:30am?

Getting Jiggy With It

I shouldn't blog in the middle of the night! My last post sounds so negative. Yuck.

I'm having a good birthday so far. Mom remembered my birthday!! Yipeeeee! That sounds so trival, but it was really important to both of us.

My co-workers rock! My cube is all decorated. Balloons, signs, banners, streamers. I got 3 cards! One from my department, one from someone in my old department, and someone in another department (that used to be in my old department). Plus my department all brought in junk food. I've got cookies and cakes coming out my ears!!!!! Just what I need!

Off to eat more junk! Good thing i have on my major fat person jeans today!

I Hate Everything

The lyrics of that song don't hit my life, but the title surely does. I'm just so pissy right now. Happy fricking birthday to me.

At least 2 people have remember/acknowledged my birthday so far. Jo sent me an email at 12:03. She rocks! Shell remembers my birthday too, she's making plans for me. Anyone want to come to my party (at Shell's house) on Saturday, just get ahold of me and your there. It will probably be just Shell & I, cause I have an attitude problem with the rest of the world...but that's okay. It will be fun! Sadly, Marv wont' be there. He's hunting. Darn it!

Trying to find happy birthday memories.

For my 18th birthday, my parents had a large surprize party for me. Problem #1, I figured it out before hand. I remember talking to on my my best friends at the time, (I was away at college) and telling her I'd see her that coming weekend and I could tell she was pissed that I knew! Problem #2, My boyfriend at the time was a jerkball. He was supposed to get me out of the house for my parents. Here is what he did. He had me take him to the basketball place so he could play drop-in. Gave me money and told me to go shopping, come get him in 2 hours, but don't go home! Then, he had me drop him off at his friends house and didn't go to my party with me. Like I said, he was a jerkball but I loved him. I had friends at that party...where are they now. Hmmmm...

Butler--She's around, we've just grown apart. I see/talk to her maybe twice a year.
P--She's alive still. See her every other week at bowling but thats about it lately.
Lerch--She's living in Cininnati now, talk to her via email about once a month.
AC--He's in jail now. I miss him terribly, but hate him for what he did.
Bean--We grew apart majorly about 2 months after that party. Things will never be the same. She's married now. I talk to her maybe once a year and that's basically cause our families are so close.
Shell--Hmmm...was she at this party?
Jerkball--He passed away in August. Sad. He taught me so much about life and made me grow a lot. I wouldn't be as strong of a person as I am today if I didn't have him. He taught me how I don't deserve to be treated. Anyone that dates me now has it rough, cause he was so rotten, that I won't tolerate anything bad at all. Call it Princess T syndrome.

21st birthday. Had lunch at TGI Fridays with ST, my mom, JJ, JM, TOY, and Jo. Nothing exciting at all, then ST got paged into work, so I went with him. Good times.

5th grade birthday. My parents tried to have a surprise party then, but some girl told me she couldn't come to my party. What party?

3rd grade birthday. I had my party at the roller skating rink. The fruit punch was gross.

2nd grade birthday was at the pizza fun place. The secertary & principal of my school were there. Why did I invite them?

I think it was my 22nd birthday...yeah it was my 22nd birthday. I was living with ST. My parents invited us over to celebrate my birthday. Didn't really want to come, it was way to far to drive for just dinner. Got here and all of my family was here even my Grandparents from up north. (They are SO cool and are some of my favorite people in the world) I was totally surprise and my parents didn't even intend for it to be a surprise.

I remember my 23rd birthday. Interesting and I'll leave it at that.

Why can't I remember my birthday last year at all? No, I wasn't drunk...at least, I don't think so.

Back to sleep a couple more hours.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Gob Bless Texas

I like flowers, all flowers. Flowers is one thing I am not picky about. I would be just as happy with grocery store flowers or a ton of expensive red roses. As I've said before tomorrow is my 25th birthday. Anyone that sends me flowers will be top dog on my list for awhile. You could send them to my house or my work. Anyone need the address?

Less than 7 hours to my birthday!

Under the Sea

I'm getting annoyed. Yes, tomorrow is my birthday. Yes, I want a big ole' fancy party if anyone wants to give me one...but I'll live without one. Don't have one for me and then complain to me about it, before it even happens. Apparently my office is having a BIG ole' party for me tomorrow. I took lunch with one of the girls today. She spent the entire time complaining about how people are complaining about having a party for me and not for some others. Really, if its a headache, or someone is getting hurt feelings, don't do it. I'm feeling bad now.

I'm also aggravated. I just picked up my paycheck and there was a discipline letter attached. Tisk tisk. My attendance isn't the best. I haven't gotten a letter about my attendance in a LONG time (over 2 years) and my attendance is so much better then it was. Normally I would blow it off, but I'm a little stressed lately.

Less than 9 hours until my birthday!

Pour Me

I didn't want to type a bunch of fluff in the Veterans day post, so I'll fluff here.

So, tomorrow is my birthday. I'm trying my best to do my normal, obnoxious routine regarding my birthday and the world revolving around me tomorrow. Like I said, I'm trying. We practiced all last night with my Mom that 2 days is my birthday. She's got it down pat, 2 days until my birthday. But since she has no concept of days & nights and time, she won't know when 2 days is. She's so scared she'll miss my birthday.

My birthday plans are still up in the air. I really don't feel like doing a lot, but I know I need to. Sitting home and being depressed about my lack of relationship and my mom's health isn't going to solve the problems. I did talk to a few of my friends last night, so maybe it won't just be Shell & I hanging out. Everyone at my work keeps reminding me that my birthday is tomorrow. They are up to something. Its kinda cool being everyone's favorite person in the office.

Got a card (with $$) from my Grandparents. I refuse to pay bills with my birthday money. Wahoooo! Shopping here I come. Clothes or Scrapbooking stuff. I don't know yet. Decisions, decisions!

Less than 12 hours to my birthday!

America, the Beautiful

Today is Veterans' Day. I always (jokingly!) complain about Veterans' Day. I don't like the mail not running and the banks being closed the day before my birthday but I'll deal.

On a serious note. Thanks to all our Veterans, and those currently in the military. So...Happy Veterans Day, ya'll.

On The Verge

I'm trying to make sense of this ST situation. Yes, 2.5 weeks later I'm still making sense of it. I'll probably be commenting one way or another about the situation for the next year, so deal with it. How was I was blind? Oh wait, love is blind. How does someone go from being in love with me to not wanting to talk to me? He doesn't trust me. But, hell he just trusted me for the past 1.5 years, no questions asked and when things are going good (or so I truly believed!) BAM I'm not trusted anymore. I just don't understand and can't believe that is his only reason. A relationship takes 2 people. As much as I'd like to blame ST completely, somehow I know the failure of our relationship isn't all his fault. Where did WE go wrong? Normally I would say, how can WE fix this? But, I don't know/think that will happen this time, as heartbreaking as it is.

Right now, I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. No one will ever understand me, love me, care for me the way ST did. No one is as perfect in my eyes as he is. Let's not even bring up the idea of me dating anyone but ST to my family. ST is beyond perfect to every single member of my family. They seriously love him, some love him more then they love me I think.

Its day 6 of Mom's bad spell. Everyone at my house is exhausted, stressed, and flat out crabby. We are all getting shorter on patients as every awake moment of Mom's ticks by. Not that any of us has a lot of patients to begin with. Grandma came out yesterday morning. She'll probably be there until Friday afternoon. I'm so grateful for her help! JJ called yesterday and got all rude to Jo cause Mom isn't doing good and she didn't know. Well, if JJ could pull her head out of her ass for more then 2 minutes she would know that Mom has these spells often. Yes, they suck, yes they are bad. They are part of Mom now and we just have to learn to deal with them. JJ pulling her head out of her ass would be like asking for a miracle.

Interesting happening here at the office today. I just had to wake someone up. Thankfully dealing with her sleeping on the job is Jess' problem. Jess is taking an early/long lunch today, so that means I get to do all afternoon reports/printing. I'll be busy. Busy = Good. Time flies.

Less than 37 hours to my birthday!

Hey Good Lookin'

Well, the CMA awards are just wrapping up. I actually got to see some of the show. I don't understand why the people try to be *so* funny all the time. The harder they try, the less fun it is.

I find the new fighting in Iraq interesting. The area we are currently going after has been a bad area for awhile now. We haven't actually attacked anywhere in over a year and now we are attacking again. Now, I 100% support our Country, our Troops, and our President. I just find the timing (a week AFTER the election!) interesting. I'm sure the draft rumors are going to start flying again!

I've avoided blogging in depth about ST lately. I shouldn't hold back my life from my blog. My blog is my opinions and thoughts. I called him tonight, got this VM. I think he's in FL for work. I'm sure I'll hear from him in a couple days. No one, as much as they try, knows how our relationship was. ST is the most patient, kind, caring, funny, understanding person I have ever met. For someone to have the ability to deal with me like he did for so long is a blessing. He knows how to calm me down, how to make me smile and laugh, he knows when to just hold me and he knows when to leave me alone. I'd be out of debt right now, if I had a dollar for every time someone has said lately "There is someone else better out there." Screw that, I don't want better, what I had was PERFECT in my eyes (and that's 1/2 of what matters). Now, I know there are other fish in the sea, I know life goes on and by no means am I sitting home crying all the time...but I just miss ST. I miss my friend that I had in him the most, by far. The thought that my friend, my best friend for the past 6 years is out of my life basically sucks ass.

I got a bunch of new scrapbooking stuff today. Stuff I ordered back in September. I'm a tad annoyed because $14 of it wasn't there! Hopefully that issue can be resolved ASAP. My new stuff is so cool. I am having such fun with it. Cutting circles and wiggly lines is good therapy. Off to find some more stuff to make pretty.

Less than 49 hours to my birthday!

Monkey in the Middle

I'm trying to make lemonade out of the lemons that life is giving me lately, but I don't like lemonade all that much.

My XBox loving friends are in heaven today. Halo 2 was released today. Yes, some of my strange friends were at stores last night at midnight. How silly. I would never do such a thing for a video game. Of course, if it was a CD, that would be totally different.

The CMA's are on tonight. I have SO much to do, plus the headache that I call Mom, I don't know how much watching of them that I'll get to do.

Yes, Mom is still doing bad. Jo & I were trying to let Dad sleep last night, it was about 9pm. Mom was in the kitchen saying she was hungry. She is going thru the cupboards, she wants corn. Okay, so we are going to open up a can of corn. Then she sees oranges and cherries. She starts getting SUPER loud and excited about oranges & cherries. So, Dad wakes up. Mom ends up eating sunflower seeds, pears, pineapple, oranges, cherries, bananas and marshmallows all mixed together. Proves once again, I'm mean. I wouldn't have let her eat that.

Trying to find the good in everything. I guess, its good I don't have anyone to be kissing right now. I have one of those yucky painful kanker sores. Owwwwweeee!

One day at a time.

Let It Be

I actually have a post related to the title. Well, part of it maybe.

It was a rough and long weekend at my house. Mom was just in Kaleb mode, majorly. Thankfully, I wasn't home continously. Mom has some major tests today unrelated to any of her current health issues. Its not good, not good at all. Mom has always said she wants Let It Be played at her funeral. Yes, my family openly and fairly often discusses our wishes regarding our deaths. We've discussed such things for as long as I can remember. All hell will break loose, I'm sure, if someones wishes (within reason) aren't met! I mentioned to Shell on Saturday night that 5 more years with Mom will be a blessing. I have no idea where I got that number but really, I know our time is limited. Its so scary. That's why I spent 1/2 the night awake literally chasing her around and laughing at her. I could get angry but there is no point in that.

Jo has to go with Mom to the doctor today, but my Grandparents are taking them. All I have to say is, Good Luck Jo.

I have so much on my mind, I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't realize how worried I was about these new tests. One would think another illness of Mom's wouldn't be a big deal...but just the whole process of her being ill SUCKS!

***Updated. I called to check on Mom. She didn't go to the doctor, so we will play this waiting game some more. Great!

10,000 Angels

I'm in need of lovin' so badly. I really just want to be hugged and cuddled. Yes, the one that doesn't like cuddling is crying for some now. Of course, more then hugging and cuddling would be okay too. Sad, pathetic me called ST last night after bar hopping with Shell. I can talk a decent talk that I'm doing okay with this ST situation to everyone but ST. We talked for about 10 minutes (he was on his way home from the bar too). I mentioned coming over there, but he thru in that it had to be a no strings attached event and I just can't do that. Not with him, not right now.

My friendship with KC is struggling so badly. It frusterates, annoys, and aggrovates me so badly. I know the air between us isn't clear. I know I'm not perfect. I've tried a couple of times now to talk with her and I feel like I'm getting no where. Friendships take work sometimes. Its getting to the point where I'm ready to give up on the friendship, but the friendship means to much to me. I just wish I could get her to put an effort forward.

Hour 22 with no food for T. Not good.

On a happy note. Dad got the skin of last deer! He actually remember that I wanted it! He thought of me. Did something nice for me. Now, he's got to like clean it with salt or something. Then my talented Grandma is going to make me a deer skin rug! I want a bear skin rug, but I'll take a deer for now.

Sweet Home Alabama

If my beloved MSU Spartans manage to lose to the crudy OSU Buckeyes today. I'm going to cry. Last weekends lost to U of M was hard enough, I can't handle 2 big losses in a row.

I slept 6.5 hours last night without any medication and without getting up at all! Not even to pee! God is good! After I went to the bathroom at 7:30am, I managed to fall back asleep for 2 more hours.

Its now 11:30am or so and within the past 2 hours Mom has had 2 seizures. Obvious to anyone type seizures. GREAT! Dad, Jo, and I were going bowling and now Mom wants to bowl to. Okay, Kaleb you can bowl. Sometimes I feel bad when we call mom Kaleb (my 4 year old cousin) but seriously that is what she's like. Jo doesn't want Mom to go bowling but its all about quality not quantity.

I went out with Shell last night. We did a whole lot of nothing really and I enjoyed myself so much. We dined at the resturant where JV works. I was trying to avoid her but then I started to feel bad, so one time when she walked by I stopped her. I was as cordial as could be. She was just really pushy into what the issues were between ST and I. Then of course, it was all about her.

Shell & I tried to make plans for next weekend. Nothing set in stone, but it involves lots of food, drinks, bowling, and more drinks. Possibly Hard Rock Cafe, possibly the piano bar, lots of possiblities. For sure...lots of fun! Happy Birthday to me!

Wind Beneath My Wings

Finally! Blogger is going to let me create a post! Its really annoying when I have a lot to type and Blog won't work!

Today is one of those work days that remind me that I don't want to work here forever. On a silly good note, I rate around here! I got an optical mouse today. On my 3 year anniversary with this company, I got an optical mouse. Really the 2 events don't go hand in hand but hey, let me feel special.

It was brought to my attention that it wasn't nice of me to laugh at my coworker that was crying over the election. I am a crier. I cry often and easy. I often cry over NOTHING. She was crying over something that was important to her. It might seem silly to me, but it was important to her. When I cry over nothing, I don't want people laughing at me. Sorry coworker.

I was reading my recent issue of People Weekly. There was an article about young entrepreneurs.

This one boy was 15, I think. I had to do a triple take at him. The boy looked like an old friend of mine. The fact that my friend is 23 and the boy is 15 and they look a lot alike is entertaining. Wonder how that friend is now...1/2 way around the world with the Marines.

I did so much realizing last night. I'm a bad friend. Right now, I'm going through a rough time, very similar to what a friend was going through mid-Summer. She's such a rock for me. I feel like crap cause I wasn't there for her as much as she's being there for me.

If there is something on your computer screen, rubbing it with your finger only will make it worse. Get off your butt, walk about 10 feet get the cleaner & paper towel.

I had a bunch of crazy dreams last night.

One was a nightmare. It invovled my lovely Aunt that I share a birthday with. To make a long terrible story short she was literally in everyone face about the situation with my mom. Moral of this dream: I'm dreading Thanksgiving with Mom's family.

Another dream I remember my Dad decided he didn't have any bills to pay for the month of November so he was going to give me a chunk of money to put down on a new car. Moral of this dream: It was a dream!

Kick a little

I have to say the words shipment, shipping, ship, etc about a million times a day at work to customers. I know any moment its going to turn to shitment, shitting, and shit. Great!

I didn't give my dad props the other day, like I should have. He got deer #2 of the season (with another arrow!). Apparently he finally has gotten the hang of this bow hunting gig. Since only dad & I eat venison, I hope its his last deer for the year. Sadly, we aren't processing this one ourselves. No chasing Mom around the house with deer brains.

I'm annoyed. Jo has a bunch a pseudo friends. I don't like them, never have and I doubt I ever will. They are threatening her (to what degree, I don't know) about how she voted. I'm willing to beat all my money that most in this group 1) aren't old enough to vote 2) didn't vote. Why she felt a need to tell them how she voted, I don't know. But seriously. There is no need to threaten her regarding her vote! Obviously she isn't the only one in the state that voted that way, because the proposal passed! Thankfully Jo is starting to realize that these people are losers and just pseudo friends!

Yesterday, I came home from work and was sleeping within an hour. Mom came up to check on me at about 8pm. I'm sure I yelled to be left alone. I do know at this time, I turned on my alarm clock for the morning. To bad, I didn't stay sleeping all night! I woke up at about 10:30pm and was up until nearly 2am. I can't be normal, no matter how hard I try! Why is a normal sleep schedule so difficult?

Step by step

CNN is now reporting the Mr. Kerry called President Bush to concede the election. The girl that sits kitty corner from me is sitting at her desk SOBBING! I understand being upset that the man she wanted will not be the next president of the US, but to sob about it seems silly to me.

Jack & Diane

I'm in a mood like no other! That translates to...stay away! I know when I get in my moods and I do my best to let others know in advance and to avoid people in general.

For starters, I slept for crap! I've been doing so well at not taking my sleeping pills but not sleeping thru the night is starting to be a problem. I was wide awake at 3:35am for a good hour, then again at 6:18am. HELLO! My alarm goes off at 6:51am. Sleep dammit!

I don't feel well. Not sick, just not well. My throat is sore. Great for a job that involves lots of talking.

As much as I hate my drives to & from work, its a time to myself. I do as I please, play the radio as loud as I please, stop for soda when I please, stop to pee where I please, etc. Today, I had to drop my mom off at Grandma's house on the way to work. Mom didn't say a lot on the way in, but I just didn't get my drive time to wake up and just chill.

Then, as I was leaving Grandma's another car and I backed into each other. I'll take 80% of the blame. Both cars were fine, I wasn't panicking outwardly until my mom (who wasn't in Grandma's house yet) and the lady of the other car started yelling at each other. After the lady realized her car was okay, we were going our separate ways, I got in my car and cried. Mom wanted to talk to me or something, I just screamed "Leave me alone". After about 5 minutes I left.

I'm missing ST more then I thought humanly possible. I miss him, I love him, I'm in love with him, I want him.

I know this mood will pass, just not soon enough.

Shout!

As time SLOWLY ticks away at work today, the election has been the #1 topic of choice.

I've decided that people that don't vote make me seriously sick to my stomach.

God Bless the USA

VOTE! America get out and VOTE!

I've said it before and I'll say it again (and AGAIN and AGAIN!). I don't care who you vote for, why you vote...JUST VOTE!

I can't stand people that have the nerve to complain about politics and our government yet do jack crap about it. Of course, I would love if everyone voted MY way but I know that's not realistic.

I was proud of Jo last night. This is the first ever election she can vote in and she's voting. That's great but on top of that, she felt the need to spread the message. She was all over our 30 year old sister about the importance of voting. Go Jo!!!! I just can't understand how people DON'T feel the NEED to vote!

I got up early today to stop and vote on my way into work. I've voted in every election big or small, since I turned 18. I've NEVER waited, and I mean NEVER. Not even 2 people in front of me. Today, I got to the polls about 20 minutes after opening to find an hour wait! AWESOME!!!! I'll wait in line after work. I'm excited to see this many people out to vote, I just wish people would take ALL elections so serious.

Amazing Grace

Poor Jo! She made the mistake of answering the phone knowing that JJ was on the other end. 20 minutes later she is still being talked to. I had to come upstairs cause I was dancing around the kitchen saying not nice stuff. For example:

Jo: So, JJ when are we going to see you? We haven't seen you in a long time.

T: Really JJ, we aren't interested in you, just your boys.

Its mean, I know. Its truthful. I wish I could learn to like JJ. Maybe if she quits smoking, doing drugs, got a decent job (and kept it for awhile) and put her kids first I would.

Did anyone know that snails have live births? I didn't. I do now! Stan the Snail gave birth today. No wonder Stan had tripled in size since we got him (her!). I wish I had visitation rights. I do apperciate that ST called to tell me!

I miss him, I love him, I want him.

Born in the USA

I realize that my post last night came off sort of mean. I guess I just needed to vent. Then again the point of this blog, for me, is to vent!

Now, on to more important (terribly sad!) news. I was on my way out the door this morning and my mom came out of her bedroom on the phone, crying, telling me to wait a minute. She puts the phone down to her chest, thru her tears, I get..."Tara, I have to tell you this now. Justin's cancer is back and its not good. They give him 3-6 months." I think I was just not awake yet or just shocked. My response was "Oh, okay" and I continued out the door. Then the walk from the door to my car seemed like a mile and it hit me. Justin is going to die. OMG. Justin is just a baby! I cried and prayed most of my way into work.

Now, here's the story. Justin is JM & TOY's cousin. I've actually know Justin longer then JM & TOY have been around. Justin is now 12 years old. He's the baby of 3 boys. Those 3 boys have always been a very regular fixture in my nephews lives, so I know them quite well. Justin was first diagnosed with brain cancer about 3 years ago. He went thru surgery upon surgery, followed by a couple rounds of chemo. He had been in remission about a year now. (During this time their Grandma got sick with cancer and passed away at the age of 55.) Now Justin is facing the same fate as his grandma. Its so sad. He's so young. My heart is breaking. As much as I would love God to heal Justin and make the situation all better, I know how this is in God's hands. I just hope and pray that Justin is in as little pain as possible during this time, that some how JM & TOY can understand what is going on. I can't imagine the pain that Justin's parents and older brothers (ages 15 & 14) are going thru. Its such a sad situation.

Life is so precious and short.