(no subject)

Maybe I should have went up north with my parents.  I would be just as bored there.  I just don't have the brain power to deal with my jerkball of a grandfather.  Who knows what the weekend still holds, but at the moment...it appears to be a lot of nothing.

ST doesn't appear to have time to do anything with me. 
Butler is out of town.
I feel the need to give Shell her space.
The letter recipient has a VERY important responsibility this entire weekend.

And...that's about everyone I talk to lately.  I might get together with a friend who used to work with me on Sunday.  We shall see.

BLAH!

My head has calmed down since I posted going off about ST.  Just very blah.

God is love!


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(no subject)

I'm back to being in a real hate the world kind of mood!

I'm being a crazy stupid emotional girl today and I hate being like this!  There are lots of things leading to this...but the kicker, right now...

ST.  I love him.  I 100% understand that when he comes to town, he gets pulled in a million directions by a million people.  I 100% understand that when he drives 4.5 hours to his parents house, the last thing he wants to do is drive another hour or so to my house.  BUT, for 2 years now...I've gotten the short end of the stick when he's came into town!  He's NEVER came to my house, he's NEVER made time to hang out with JUST me.  He rarely invites me out when he is in town, anyways.  Yes...its known I don't like to go out...but hello...INVITE me and leave it up to me!  I understand part of this issue is his other friend & I don't get along that well, I understand that his family and I don't get along...but as one of your best friends, you'd think he'd make time for me.  I'm just frustrated right now.

Frustrated.  Frustrated with ST.  Frustrated with any and all males.  Frustrated with my family.  Frustrated in ways I can't explain on here. 

ST, I love you.  Understand my rant is just that, and I'll be over it soon enough.

This to, shall pass.

God is love!


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(no subject)

This week, a friend of mine, was saying something along the lines of couples always say they are going to be friends when they break up because the thought of not talking or dealing with each other is to much to deal with.

I think she's got a valid point!

At this point in my life, I don't see my friend & I being friends in 5 years.  I believe we will always be friendly towards each other...but friends, probably not.  Lately, I feel like I deal with him out of comfort and habit.

I know friends is possible when relationships end, look at ST & I.  It took awhile, but he's one of the best friends a girl could ask for.  We've been thru hell and back with each other.

SML & I were friends to, great friends after we dated.  BUT, that's changed...but we were great friends for a couple of years.

Subject change...my Gma pisses me off so bad.  I don't think I've EVER deal with someone so two-faced in my entire life!  She kisses my ass when I am down there.  Now she's talking trash about me & my sister to my mom.  Of course, my mom is upset.  ERRRRRRRRRR!

God is love!


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(no subject)

My heart breaks again.  My dear friend Shell has miscarried.  I am so sad, sad for her & J, just sad.  I know everyone always says stuff like it wasn't meant to be or the timing wasn't right or something...BUT, that doesn't take away the pain!

God is love!


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(no subject)

My head has been POUNDING for over 2 hours now.  I didn't even make it to David's Friends tonight.

I'm pricing laptops again tonight.  Maybe that's why my head hurts.  AHHHHHH.

God is love!


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(no subject)

Old habits die hard.

Love all, trust none.

I need roughly $600 NOW!  For my sanity, cheap price to pay if you ask me.  Donations are excepted.




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(no subject)

People annoy me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Hump Day!


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(no subject)

I am not sure if I put the correct apartment number on that letter or not, but what I do know is the letter arrived.  How do I know that?  Because the recipient called me.  I mailed the letter at 16:30 Thursday and by 18:00 Friday, I had a call.  By 20:30, I was having a beer with the recipient. 

I was home by 00:15, in bed by 00:30 and I slept until 10:00.  LOVELY!!!  I did wake up 2 times to pee, but that's no big thing. 

My head is SO much clearer, about SO many things.  Between writing the letter, the results of the letter so far, and 2 things I've read (one by my friend & one by an old friend)...I can just see things much better.

I wrote my letter to clear up what I viewed, as unfinished business.  The results of the letter, so far, are cool.  I didn't have any expectations from the letter...so expect the unexpected and its good.  ;-) 

No one can EVER tell me how I feel.  My friend wrote a few blogs recently that have me feeling like I was nothing but a nice healthy long-term rebound.  I'm a little angry...but really, understanding that puts things in prospective more.

(This having one computer to share w/ Dad sucks!  Laptop here I come!)

My old friend wrote "I used to feel like if a relationship didnt work out that I failed but now I relize that if it doesnt work out then I will be ok and probably better off."   Ding ding ding....it all makes sense.

Happy Saturday.  I won't be back until Tuesday most likely.  Love ya'll!

God is love!


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(no subject)

Have I mentioned how much I can't stand FAKE people?  Or people that "change" for the person they are dating?  I put "change" in quotes because usually when the relationship is over the REAL person comes out again.  Its a fact of life, that people are always changing & growing.  I'm talking about people changing to please others & no other reason then that.  Its annoying as hell!

That's something I can pride myself on.  I can look back, with a clear conscience, and feel like I've NEVER done that.  Where I might change a little, my values, likes/dislikes, habits, morals, etc., stay in tact.

God is love!





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(no subject)

Does anyone know what happens if you mail a letter to the wrong apartment number?  I wrote someone a letter...and I think I put Apt# 3...and its Apt# A.  I was already freaking out about mailing this letter and now I look like an even bigger goober.

I've been staying at Gma's a ton.  I hate it there, but I hate it here too.

Who knows when/if I'll ever get to post pictures here or on myspace again.  Besides the fact that I'm on UNGODLY SLOW dial up (think 28K...that's on a good day), my great new super fancy camera won't work properly with this computer cause of Kodak software they already have on it.  NOT HAPPY is an UNDERSTATEMENT.  I'm VERY UPSET!!!!!!

I just feel like the whole world hates me and is out to get me.

I will get thru this and be a stronger and better person, but right now...its hell.

God is love!


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(no subject)

This panicking thing that is happening Sunday nights like clockwork can end NOW. How am I supposed to function on 2 hours of broken sleep?

God is love!


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(no subject)

I'm back to staying with Gma more then I'd like to.  Where it does have its advantages, there are plenty of disadvantages too.  The commute to work rocks, no computer SUCKS.  I think I'll be back at Gma's tomorrow, so I should write some of the stuff going on now...

I got word on Friday that someone in my family is divorcing. They've been married 20+ years.  We didn't see it coming at all.  The kids involved (ages 18 & 16) are devastated and PISSED.

Yesterday someone in my family (who I truly believe doesn't have a mean bone in their body and didn't mean this in a hurtful way)...said to me "T, why did you break off your engagement?"  (Referring to ST & I...and something that happened 5 years ago!)  I stood there with this confused & shocked look on my face.  They continued "If you & ST were married you wouldn't be going thru this heartache right now."  I was just taken back.  The only real thing that came to my mind was to remind this person that things happen for a reason and that ST is one of my best friends.

My brain is a mess and I can tell avoiding sleep again.  BLAH.

God is love!


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(no subject)

Big Brother 8.  I love this show!  I like Dick & Danielle so much, I'd love to see them make it to the final to.  Eric and Jessica aren't bad either.  Jessica has grown on me for sure.  Zach is flying under the radar to much for my liking.  Amber cries to much.  I don't like Jameka's view about everything being preordained.  Jen has bugged me for a long time, she's just annoying.  I must say I LOVED when Dick pour the soda or whatever on her head.  I think the show doesn't need annoying Julie Chung.  Tonights show didn't have her on at all and its just fine that way!!!!  Part of me feels bad for Eric, as America's Player, because he has to lie and go behind peoples backs SO much and I doubt that's how HE would want to play the game.

More later, maybe, probably...about my life.  The train wreck mess of wonderfulness that it is.

God is love!


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(no subject)

Blah.

As long as I'm busy, I'm okay.  The minute I'm not busy or the minute I get tired while busy, the emotional train wreck known as my life begins to happen.

Everyone keeps telling me to stay busy, to do stuff.  Well for starters, I don't want to!  Add on that I'm financially strapped right now, and most things I'd like to do, I can't.  Most free things involve to much time for my brain to think!  My friend suggested reading today, and I had to laugh at him.  No matter the book, my brain would just go crazy!

I got a little snotty, for me, towards my friend via a blog comment.  In my opinion, I'm starting to feel like I was nothing more then a rebound relationship.  That hurts!

I haven't ate anything in 24 hours now (and only had about 20 ounces of soda in that time) so I know I should eat something and dad just said dinner was ready.  Eating isn't on my priority list, for sure.

I just want all this, whatever THIS is, to end.

God is love!


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(no subject)

My parents dryer SUCKS!  Maybe I'm trying to wash/dry more clothes then it can handle at once...but compared to what I had gotten used to, it SUCKS!

I HATE when people don't call you when they say they will.

Totally different point.  I called ST.  He's sleeping.  He did manage to tell me he's not mad at me.  I've got to believe him.

If you are the praying type, pray for me.  This life of mine isn't an easy road.

God is love!


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(no subject)

I'm doing my best to go thru the motions of life.  I have been to work 2 days in a row.  I went to David's Friends tonight...which was the LAST thing I wanted to do!

I think I managed to piss off my dear friend ST, the one that's been there for me the most thru all this!  At the same time, where I think I pissed him off...I expect him to understand and respect where I'm coming from...and I'm sure he will.  We're friends and that's what we do!

I feel like I'm not getting along with some other friends that well lately.  Mainly because my friend and I decided that NO ONE else will tell US how to deal with our break up & friendship.

I hate being so angry with everyone/thing.  BLAH.

God is love!


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(no subject)

People just make me want to 1) smack them.  2) puke.

I should work on updating my resume but every task seems out of my reach at the moment.

I've got to go to the store to pick up a few things and grab lunch.  All of which seems impossible!

God is love!




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(no subject)

For the first time in the past week, I've mentally come unglued.  Nothing terrible, but I had been doing SO well.  Yesterday, that's a different story.  I'll make it thru it, somehow!

Gma isn't doing well again.  She spent the weekend in the hospital.  I'll be staying there tonight for sure & we'll go from there.

I see someone I used to be very close to making some of the same mistakes I made in life & I just want to shake this person.  Its hard to just let them learn like I had to but I know at this point, ANY intervention would push this person further away.

God is love!




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(no subject)

I'm proud of me.  I resisted temptation to call/text/email my friend yesterday.  Add on, that right now, he's online...and I haven't IMed him either.  Its on him, for now.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!


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(no subject)

I don't know if posting via email works...but I'll give it a while.  If it doesn't, I guess I can copy/paste it later.

I'm alive.  Doing better then I anticipated, at least so far.  I have very little appetite, which I guess could be a blessing disguise.  I've got a little bit of financial rearranging to do, then I will be joining the gym again ASAP.  Mainly, for something to do with the added benefits of getting in better shape (again) & maybe meeting people.

I'm going to David's Friends tonight.  I don't really want to, but I know I should.  Jo wants to go with me, so whatever.  Red won't be there.  Darn.  Maybe #4 will be there.  This heartbroken train wreck of a girl needs some eye candy, at least.  ;-)

I hate being heartbroken, I hate being a train wreck...but I WILL come out of this stronger dammit.  Or dead.  ;-)

I'm dreading heading up north (to my cool grandparents house) this weekend, like never before.  Its one of my favorite places on this earth, yet there's only one place I'd like to be, in my friend's arm...and I'm not wanted there anymore.  THIS SUCKS

God is love!


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Where to start...where to start. My life that I was HAPPY with is over as I know it. Some how, I have no clue right now, I'll pull it together, because I'm stronger then I know...but for the time being, I'm misreable. This is the trainwreck of my brain that is all over the map!

My friend broke up with me yesterday. I'm glad I can say that it unfolded in a peaceful manner (as peaceful as breaking someone heart can happen.) From what my train wreck of a brain has managed to put together...his reason is we aren't growing apart but we aren't growing together. Obviously, there is A LOT more to it...but that's the short version. I was blindsided. I'm heartbroken. I LOVE HIM. I saw myself with him indefinitly. I don't believe this is going to be one of those short lived breakups. I pray that we can manage to be friends. I believe being friends is a real possiblity...but only time will tell.

I am glad I can look myself in the mirror and be 100% pleased with myself & how I handle things in this relationship. I never took my friend for granted. All the things I learned from my past, helped me be the good girlfriend I feel like I was.

I feel like a failure...AGAIN. Why can't I make a relationship work dammit? Two very important people did remind me yesterday that God has a different plan for me. I'm trying to NOT be angry at God. Its hard. I definitly don't understand God right now.

When I say I was blindsided...I mean BLINDSIDED. I was 100% HAPPY. 100% IN LOVE. 100% wanted to be with him. We had no problems, no fights, no issues of any merit (yes, he can't be on time for stuff...but I can't NOT be early). As I told a friend today, I think being able to look back and ONLY see good times hurts more then it helps right now. I can count on 1 finger how many times I can think of anything remotely negative. And that issue was short lived and something we worked out well & quickly. We just fit. We just worked. YUCK.

For now, I'm just going to take a bath & nap. I do those things so well. I am just trying to take things hour by hour. Any more then that and I am VERY overwhelmed.

To my friends that have dealt with me in the past 24 hours...THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being the best friends that a girl could wish for.

God is love!

My Savior My God

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. He'll be the mighty 35. For those of you keeping track...that makes him about 7.5 years older then me.

Tomorrow, on his actual birthday...I probably won't see him except for when he's sleeping. My friend, Steph, is having a party which I must attend. I did bake him muffins for his breakfast though (and he doesn't know it cause I did it while he was busy at his parent's house). His presents are wrapped. I got him 3 things. Nothing fancy or spectacular. I'll tell ya'll what I got him after he opens them.

Saturday, in theory, the 2 of us are going out to celebrate his birthday...but it will probably be the 4 of us...including our best friends/his brother & sister-in-law (J & Shell). I had a good idea for what to do/where to go...but I didn't think about it until to late.

Sunday we are having a BBQ at my friend's parents house to celebrate his birthday with his family.

Another busy weekend...story of my life. Seems like I'm either bored out of my tree...or busy at hell!

I ordered a bunch of pictures via Walmart.com so I could get crackin' at scrapbookin'...but they haven't arrived yet. ERRRRRRRRRRRR. They said they'd deliver between 08/02/07 and 08/06/07...I wanted them TODAY DAMMIT!!

Today is my friend Dani's birthday. She's all the way in Arizona. So, Dani...if you read this...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you!!!!

There have been some issues in my family lately. Its hard to tell your Mom that you love her but her actions disappoint you, knowing that she doesn't totally understand what you are saying. Jo's been a stressed messed & I don't have a clue why. She chooses to not call/email...so she must not want to talk to me about it. Gma's health sucks...and has me stressed & annoyed with Mom's family. JJ, Jax, and Norman are living with JJ's boss. 1 month that was scheduled to last...has past & they are still there. I wish there wasn't such tension & issues between us, because my house is plenty big enough for the 3 of them, but then I'd be the next person she took advantage of. Happy happy joy joy. I heart my family. Seriously, I really do love my family. Have I mentioned lately that my Dad rocks?!! The man amazes me. He's so cool!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!