I should be having the time of my LIFE and I'm NOT!

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So, nearly 5 years after I started my blog, I can no longer log into the account the way I always have.  I tried to reset things and nothing.  I don't have time to really address the issue.  Hopefully this works.

God is love.

I usually try to not give away to many details of my life here on my blog...but I'm MUCH TO PROUD to not share this with you...

My nephew JM is a hero!

That link should take you to the Fox 2 Detroit's thing they did tonight. Its not 100% accurate like most things in the media, but its close.

God is love.

MySpace Countdown Clocks

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

CJ, the love of my life, that I have NO IDEA how to get over, just IMed me on facebook.

Whats really strange is I almost always have my IM there turned off. I don't know how it even got turned on.

I want to yell a him and tell him that every once of me wants to hate him, but I love him. Damn him. Its so strange and strained.

Freaking out. Majorly.

God is love.

LOTS going on here. Some of which I'm not comfortable talking about here yet...with time.

Yesterday was a HORRIBLE day, like I knew it was going to be, then it got worse...THEN it got much worse (which is the stuff I won't talk about right now).

I'm doing better today, but not well. I went to Church tonight (for a few different reasons) and then out with a friend for ice cream and to vent about the issue at hand. We ended up hanging out there and talking for like 2 hours. I'm slightly concerned I told her to much regarding other issues (like Red!). Red and I are very protective over what others know about our nothingness.

I went to Church tonight because I thought it was a service about missions, which I like...it wasn't but that's okay. I went to Church tonight because when I'm in a depression phase, Church is one of the best places I can be. I went to Church tonight because I needed to talk to my friend, I have hardly anyone in this town I can talk to. (I actually think its the first time I've called upon any of my farmville friends to be true friends) I went to Church tonight because I didn't want to hang out with this guy from softball.

This guy from softball...he's interested in me. I'm not that interested in him. I'm to nice. I don't have a reason to blow him off so I can't...but ugh. I'll have to see him tomorrow. Hopefully I can think of something.

I get to see Red the next two days. YAY! Did I mention yet, that Red bought a motorcycle today? Motorcycles scare me.

I need to find a boy. A real boy toy.

I was thinking about it earlier today, I kinda have it good. I have two non-boyfriends yet am free to do what I want when I want...but really, that's not what I want. I want Red and I to get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. Maybe. Maybe that's what I want. I think that's what I want, but God only knows right now.

God is love.

I wish my Dad had a clue how much he hurts me sometimes. He reminds me on a daily basis (usually multiple times a day!) that I am single and that his goal in life is to marry me off. I do a decent job laughing it off on the surface but it just cuts.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

I got a tattoo yesterday. Basically out of no where. I've wanted one for a long time and put tons of thought and research into tattoos but yesterday while driving to go to dinner with my BFF Jessa, I was like "I am getting a tattoo NOW." And that was that. I love it!

There were many things that after I decided I wanted it, just fell into place to make it happen and almost justify it to myself.

I know the next few days are going to be rough on me emotionally so I'm doing my best to prepare. I wish people understood or respected my issues more. Whatever. I can't tell people how to feel.

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. Tuesday is the 2nd anniversary of our break up. Ugh. Did I mention he's very anti-tattoo? Hehehe. (Trust me, that has nothing to do with why I got it!)

I haven't talked about Red here in ages. He's dreamy. Very dreamy. The more time I spend with him the more I just adore him. I just wish we'd get on the same page. Well, actually, I am pretty darn sure we are the closest to the same page as ever before but he just can't admit it to me. LOL.

I'm talking to this other guy, but I'm not that interested. I like the attention and I've always said (since I dated ST 10+ years ago) "one date won't kill me." I just don't want to mess up the nothingness with Red by talking to this other guy. Ugh.

I just want to get married and have a happy family. Is that to much to ask for?

Church today was about marriage (and relationships with anyone really, be it friends, family, spouse, co-worker). It was a great message. Red and I weren't near each other, and are trying to keep the nothingness out of Church (because amazingly our Church talks like crazy. I'd call it gossip, but its not meant to be mean, just its annoying) but we kept looking at each other the entire time. It just hit home a lot. I so much want things to work, but I'm wearing thin in this nothingness.

Going to bed soon, praying Pat's prayer.

God is love.

The crashing and burning I was expecting didn't really show up (yet, its always right around the corner). I've been busy busy busy. I haven't felt like blogging when I sit down at the computer. Just nothing really to say.

I don't think I ever blogged about my HORRIBLE lunch with my long lost BFF SML. It was a diaster. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I'm the closest to being over that friendship as I will ever be. It was one thing for the friendship to disolve but its now another when you say all kinds of horrible things about/to me and my friends.

3 days from now marks the 2nd anniversary of the breakup between my friend and I. A day that changed my life forever, in more ways then I ever thought possible. Maybe I'll get more into that in the next few days.

Off to hang out with my BFF Jessa soon. Haven't hung out with her since November when she was in the hospital and I visited her. Jessa and I have such a strange friendship and I love it! We were work buddies but 2 years ago we both got dumped out of no where in what we thought were great forever relationships, and a best friendship bloomed. We have very little in common, but it works.

God is love.