I'm So Into You

Lots of random things going on...

I'm less depressed than I was when I last posted. I'll take it for now. What really helped me out on Sunday night was a bible verse that I heard over the radio.

"God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day." Genesis 1:31 (NIV)

The verse on the radio used "excellent" in place of very good. My point is that, I was created or made by God...and so, therefore, I am very good.

In other news...a friend from work (he hasn't been working in my building for about 2 months or so, but I still talked with him online at least 1-2 times a week and I talked to him over this past weekend!) passed away last night at the rip old age of 25 , from heart failure or something along that lines. I'm sad, to say the least. Blondie & I are trying to figure out how/when we can make it to the viewing.

I just found out today, 2 buddies of mine are having babies! One is an old friend from work. I just can't see her being a parent any time soon, but hey, she's happy, so I'm happy. The other is my best childhood friend Bean. Bean's been married almost 3 years now, so this was almost expected. Her Mom called last night to tell us, because my Mom jokingly wrote about Bean having a baby in her birthday card last week. I know the invite for Bean's shower will be in the mail shortly. Have I ever mentioned I hate those things?

I had a strange set of dreams last night. The first one involved SML & some of his friends. I remember nothing more than hanging out with him & 2 of his friends (Trav & Pat). Odd. Then, the next dream was about Shell's engagment ring. It was small, ugly, and poor quality. I remember thinking to myself I know how much the setting is priced at and it looks like that! The weird thing to me is the 1st dream had Shell's ex (Trav) in it...then the next dream had her being engaged (not to Trav, of course!).

I talked to ST tonight. Things almost seemed strained, or different. I know we both have been tired and stress (at least, I've been stressed!) so its nothing I'm sure. I hadn't talked to him in over a week, so hearing his voice was something I almost needed. I'm so used to ups and downs with him (which are almost always within my head) , I'm sure things will be back to "normal" soon enough (what "normal" is God only knows). He's such a combination of a sweetheart & smart aleck, I'm so glad he's my friend! I won't inflat his ego anymore...but he's cool.

I bit all my pretty nails off, SUPER short. They look like hell. Worse today, than in the past5 months. YUCK. Oh well. If that's what I have to complain about, I'll survive.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Hands Are Tied

I just had my Mom call my Gma. She's up north still. YAY! YAY! She'll be there until probably Wednesday. So, on that note...I'm out of this house for 2 nights or so. Don't fret my pets, I will survive. I will come out of this stronger. I'm stronger than I know and according to the best friend in the world, the one that is keeping me alive right now, stronger than I give myself credit for.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Shake It Up

Huge bitching rant....

Thank God, deep down, I'm a rational person.

I have the most inconciderate family in the world.

I have so much crap going on within my head & heart lately, that I have very little choice but to keep the majority of it in. Keeping so much in when you are already fighting depression is just lovely. I hate that I'm so depressed. HATE HATE HATE it. I would do anything in the world to just be able to snap my fingers and make it go away. Its NOT that simple. I hate feeling like more often than not, I'd rather be dead. I hate that people (my family, which I don't think really gives a fly rats ass especially) ask what they can do to make me happier and I'd like to say "Just let me die" I hate that on Sunday nights, I long for Monday mornings to go to work, to get away from this house. I hate that I pray when I go to sleep lately, to just not wake up. The pain, hurt, and anger I have eating away at me, killing me slowly and painfully from the inside out is so deep, so unbareable. I just want to punch something and scream. What I wouldn't give to move 500 miles away, where I didn't have to deal with most of my issues, where I could start new, where I would feel safe & protected. Actually, dying still sounds better.

Like I said, I'm a rational person. I know this depression rut won't last forever...but right now it fucking sucks. Pray for me.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Breakdown

Wow, I have a very fitting title for once.

So, I'm not going to Church. I'm EXTREMELY NOT HAPPY ABOUT NOT GOING. I believe Dad, Jo, JM, & TOY are still going. If they aren't, and I don't get to go...I'm going to be LIVID!! Sometimes, I feel like telling my Mom to toughen the hell up, suck it up, etc. I know she hurts often, I know she's in pain often, I know she doesn't feel good often, I know she has mental issues that make her want to stay in her room and hide. BUT seriously...sometimes you have to fight thru that stuff. There is only 1 day a week where I want her to get out of the house and do something, 1 day a week that it is really important to me, so that my entire household can go to Church...yet, I can count on 1 hand, how many times that has happened in the past 18 months.

I just sent a friend a text message that said something along the lines of "I need to move 500 miles away before I kill myself, because this house is killing me painfully & slowly." That sums up how I feel right now.

I'm trying like hell to be flexible when my routines get messed up right now but just ERRRRRRR. The stuff going on is more then just throwing my routines off, its making me stop living I feel like. I hate feeling like I'm in a catch 22.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Try Again

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! I was laughing so hard, I thought I was going to pee my pants. I was laughing for hard, I was crying. I was laughing for hard, I could barely breathe. I feel like I just did a huge long work out, cause my abs are killing me from all the laughing. Now, note, I didn't even leave my computer room. Of course, after about 5 minutes, I did get Jo so she could take part in my laughter. After about 30 minutes, I called SML cause I was about to burst.

What I was laughing at isn't that funny, and definitly not that nice of me...but dude. I know I am not the nicest or best looking person on this planet. Let me just say...this girl is 1) OBSESSED and 2) FUGLY! She has lips the size of Montana. You know how some marriages are doomed before they start, I just think this is one of them. I want to go to the wedding just to laugh. NOT NICE. BE NICE T! I swear, my former friend is Miss America next to this fugly looking thing that one of the funniest people I know is about to marry! As much as I don't like some people these days, I really am glad for former friend's benefit, that she caught him cheating on her...if he's willing to settle for the fugly obsessed girl. More of my evilness wants to go to the wedding, take pictures and email them to former friend...cause I'm such a witch sometimes. Hey, what goes around comes around.

Of course...I won't do that.

In other news, I think Chelle (and others) from David's Friends are mad at Jo & I. She left 2 messages for us, about why we weren't at Church. Just wait until we aren't at Church tomorrow morning. I'm nervous about going to Favorite Uncle's Church. I've been there for special events (picnics and funerals) but not normal Church. Why am I drinking iced tea like CRAZY lately?

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Hot Like Fire

Lalalala! I'm tired & bored and don't feel like doing anything, yet I feel like doing everything. My day is going nothing like I planned...and that's okay. I'm trying to be flexible and not freak out. I think we are going bowling in an hour. If I don't see the entire hockey game, it WILL be okay. If I don't make it to Church, it WILL be okay.

Oy! My Dad is going to kill my nephews. Mom is trying to nap and they are playing outside. They just rang the doorbell. TOY is crying cause JM is mean. Crazy boys. They are just so cute and adorable.

Tomorrow, we are going to Favorite Uncle's Church. He's doing part of the service. :-) I can't wait until he becomes a real Pastor. He's going to be GREAT!

I decided that I dislike uneducated people. I really dislike people that think they know all and don't care to educate themselves. I dislike that they take one opinion or piece of information, and choose to take that as 100% fact.

Go Red Wings!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Never No More

I was woke up at about 07:55 by Jo. She needed a picture printed for class, and couldn't find the file. Then, once I found the file and printed it...we ran out of ink. HA! That's what she gets for not taking care of things until an hour before class. She KNEW we were very low on color ink. In all seriousness, I hope (and think!) her speech goes well. Its about Red Wing hockey (basically) and we all know, she knows enough about that to ramble for 3-5 minutes.

I'm VERY excited. JM & TOY are coming over. Dad's going to get them right now, and they will be here until tomorrow night. YAY! I enjoy them so much more when they come over without JJ. JJ is driving me nuts right now. She's called 5 times in the past 1.5 hours. HELLLLLLO. Call Dad! I know nothing regarding the plans for the weekend. Then she called freaking out about John's girlfriend and how she's not cooperating and won't give JJ the kids boots. Call Dad! Then she called back asking about Church tomorrow, blah blah blah the boys don't want to go. CALL DAD. Then she calls back asking me about where she is meeting Dad. HELLLLLO. CALL DAD!

Speaking of Church, I think there is David's Friends this afternoon, but I don't have a clue if I'll be going or not. David's Friends moving to Saturdays isn't working out as good for me as Wednesday was. Oh well, I can't stress myself out over it. When Dad gets home, I'm heading to the gym. I've got load #2 of laundry in the washer. Yay! I have 2 other small loads I could do, but they are so small, its not worth it really. Laundry is much more managable when I don't have 10 loads to do. Mom is napping. YAY!

I'm emotionally detaching myself from lots of the world right now. I'm proud of me, its working out easier then I thought it would. I'm glad & thankful that God explained things to me this week.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Lonely For You Love

I've been a night person for as long as I can rememeber. I don't like mornings, I don't like light. When I first switched from starting work at 22:00 to 11:00 (then 2 weeks later, to 09:00) it took me about 6 months to REALLY get used to it. Now, that I have to wake up at 05:15 for work everyday, its killing me!!!! I really hope I get used to it and FAST. I'm ending week 3 and I'm not even close to being used to it, or liking it!

After work today, I knew I'd have the house to myself, so I came home instead of going to work out. I knew I was exhausted. Plus, I love having the house to myself once in awhile! So after taking a nice bath & reading, I was going to take a nap. Yes, I know...naps are bad for me. Well, I rested my head on my pillow for a NAP (I think it was about 19:00) and didn't wake up until after 01:30! Lovely.

As the girl that doesn't like to be touched, hugged, cuddled, etc...I have a confession. I have this terrible burning desire right now to be snuggled with. Its been going on for a few days now, and I think every day, my desire grows by leaps and bounds. Oh well, I'll get over it.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Head Above Water

Mom just had a few small seizures, the first (known) since she got home from Mayo Clinic. She is exhausted today, and we all know that is one of her triggers. She'll be going into U of M Hospital for 3+ days start Feb 2. The problem is that someone that knows all the signs of her seizures/spells and general medical problems (plus someone that can function under pressure, without quality food/sleep) is required to be with her 24/7. God will figure it out.

The gut feeling has lifted a lot! Like I said, I'm not getting into the specifics, but I'm just happy that its gone (basically). Throughout the night, and then REALLY on my way to work this morning, God talked to me. I was (even though I didn't see it!) trying to handle things on my own again, and that's NOT how God works. Something that I have wondered about for about a year now, was made clear as day by God this morning. My life must remain Christ-centered always, with Christ leading the path...not anyone else...NOT me.

Work SUCKED today. For starters, I was late. I hate hate hate hate lateness. I understand that things happen (like last week when I had the pothole mishap and was 4.25 hours late!) but lateness due to nothing is uncalled for! My attendance is something I've worked hard to improve. I was late 2 days out of 3 so far this week. NOT COOL! Then, work just was craptastic. There is a new report that we are handling. They had this idea it would be a real quick thing. HA! Its taking about 50% of my day, 99% of Robert's, and lots of time from others too. I hate when I feel like there is so much more important stuff I could be doing.

I worked out today and my knee doesn't hurt! It still bothers me to go up and down stairs a little, or if I put pressure directly onto my knee it HURTS, but its on the road to recovery! YAY! I'm batting .500 on workouts so far for the week. I'll take it.

Its the middle of the week, and I've got no plans for the weekend coming up, again. I might have my nephews on Saturday, I might go hang out with a long lost bud, I might go chill downtown as we get ready for Super Bowl XL, or I might be a bum and do nothing...again.

Have faith & hope always. Remember Pat's Prayer. God's time, God's plan. Have a nice night, silly world.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!!

Motor City Boy

After spending lots of the night in prayer, God is working with me to get this bad gut feeling to go away. I'm lacking in the faith department and I don't know why. I have to remember and focus on God, knowing, loving, and trusting him to lead the way and understand that He has a plan. He knows what He is doing.

The little sleep I did get was filled with strange dreams, about work, about rodents, and weird stuff!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Crazy Blue

The bad gut feeling I have isn't getting better like I was hoping. Its getting worse with every passing second. I've been thru worse, and came out okay...so I know this feeling will go away at some point.

On the way home today, Mom brought up Red & ST, out of left field. She was saying how she feels like one of them is who I'm am meant to be with. Blah blah blah. This converstation went on for a while. Now, if I could take both of their great qualities and combine them I'd be set forever! But since I can't...I'm alone, for what feels like forever. God's time, God's plan.

I'm not in a bad place mentally, but not a great place either. I think I'm going to bed well before hockey/American Idol is over.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Those Were The Days

Lots of things running thru my little head.

For starters, I have this terrible gut feeling. It has me shaking, ready to cry or vomit. Its all part of my being paranoid thing. Lots of little things adding up. I'm trying to remain hopeful it will work itself out for good within a couple hours.

Didn't make it to the gym today because I had to bring Mom home from Gma's house and that totally messes up my routine. I know on a work day, going to the gym will NOT happen if I come home. Oh well. I've got 4 days left in the week and only need to go to the gym 3 times.

Family stuff going on...gotta cut this entry short. JOY.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

I Can Be

I've got a tumor or just a really yucky pimple trying to form under my left eyebrow. It hurts and looks fugly.

I'm so tired, I don't see myself making it thru the entire hockey game tonight, forget even thinking about watching The Bachelor.

I've got to drive Mom to the city tomorrow on my way to work. I'm not looking foward to it. Mornings have been VERY rough on me lately and this won't make it any better.

I was late to work this morning and I really don't know why. I don't know what I did or didn't do that made me so far behind. Oh well, can't sweat the small stuff.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Eye For An Eye

I'm beyond annoyed at my house, mainly my Dad AGAIN! His inability to be considerate amazes me sometimes. If I were to pull the same things on him, I'd be dead or at least, homeless. Now, the subjects that have me pissed lately, are really minor in the grand scheme of life, but its the PRINCIPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The subjects have been food and television. I'm SO upset. I wish it was time to go to work or sleep or something, but NO. Instead I sit here, starving and angry.

In other news, the crazy 17 year olds that got married in June, are seperated. The girl wanted to "live her life & have fun". Interesting is my only comment.

I'm going on the Jo diet...but ever stricter (cause Jo drinks soda). If I only eat 1 meal a day and drink only water...I bet I'll lose a lot of weight quicker...oh wait, I'll die first.

I hate that my mood sucks so often lately. The only way I manage to make it thru most days is that I have hope and faith that thinks WILL get (and at some point, STAY!) better.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Choosey Lover

Since I've been hammering away at my list of faults, I have another one to add:

* I over think EVERYTHING. I can't take things at face value. I always think there is more to everything, some hidden agenda. I would cause myself a lot less pain, end up in a lot less stupid bickering sessions if I could just take things at face value (especially when it involves males!).

Onto other news...my knee. So, it hurts still. It hurts badly to put weight on it. It hurts like a BITCH to go up/down stairs! So, what did I do after Church? Of course, I went to the gym. I thought maybe it would make it feel better. I was wrong. It doesn't feel (that much) worse.

Mom attempted to go to Church today, but about 20 minutes into it, she felt like she was going to have a seizure soon, so Dad, Jo, & Mom left. :-
And some silly entertainment...

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Evaluating

You are great at looking at many details and putting them all together.You are talented at detecting subtle trends, accuracy, and managing change.You should major in:Statistics, Speech, Conflict studies, Communication, Finance, Medicine

What Should You Major In?

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Should Have Known

I could make a list of my faults a mile long.

One of those faults, is my inability to be flexable. I expect everyone to be flexable with me...yet I'm not that same way with others. I'm the hardest person to make concrete plans with...yet I expect different of others. I have a system for how everything must be done and can't vary from that without it messing everything up...whatever EVERYTHING is, only God knows.

Next fault...I want everything MY way, ALL the time. Hello Princess...That's just NOT how the world works. Its NEVER going to work that way, get over it...but NO...I can't. I continue to think/hope/expect to get my way all the time.

Fault numero tres, I'm paranoid. I worry way to much. I worry about what others are thinking, doing, I worry about if the sun will come out tomorrow, I worry about not having A1 sauce. STUPID, I know...but its ME!

#4 fault, I suck at being a friend. I very rarely pick up the phone and call my friends. I expect them to call me. If they are online, I might IM them, but perfer if they IM me first. I wish I was a better friend. I'm working on putting others before myself (which is a HUGE task for self centered ME)...but that doesn't mean I'm getting any better at friendships. :-
The Fifth Fault, my inability to trust people. I doubt just about everyone all the time. Even those that I have NO reason to not trust, I find myself not believing them until I have proof. Trust is so important in friendships & relationships...maybe that's why I have so few. I 100% suck at trusting people.

That's enough for now. Good thing, Jesus loves ME! Hopefully this will be my last post of the evening, but don't hold your breath.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

It's Whatever

About 4.5 hours ago, in the middle of family drama (which included a pretty large meltdown by yours truly), I slammed my knee in the door at the top of the steps. It hurt BAD then, but I was SO upset/hurt/angry at people within my family and stuff...that it wasn't my real concern. WELL...now it hurts like a BITCH! A big big big BITCH!!!! I can barely walk, am crawling the steps. I took some drugs (not good ones, yet) and have been icing it. I HURTS!!!!!!! I dropped something in the kitchen & went to pick it up and nearly collasped, my Dad realized I did jack my knee up good. I don't have time/energy/money for this! Working out tomorrow shall be fun.

I think something is wrong with me. I'm 26 & single, yet I'd rather sit home then go out on a Saturday night. I think I'm like this for 2 reasons mainly...I run non-stop Monday-Friday, come the weekends I don't want to do anything unless I have to. Plus, I live so far from my friends the last thing I want to do is spend 2.5 hours driving to/from the city (which I already do 5 days a week). Add in that more often then not, I'm broke as a joke...and here I sit on a Saturday night. And, I'm OKAY with that, I usually enjoy it. So, I'm weird. You say weird, like its a bad thing. ;-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Sweet Talk

I didn't make it to David's Friends today. I'm not happy about it, but whatever. Lots of stupid family drama.

I really don't like people that are two faced. For example, I don't like JJ so I'm cordial with her and stuff...but I'm NOT going to change my feelings for her because she's HERE or because others think I should like her. There is SO much 2 faced crap that goes on in front of my very own eyes, it makes me want to vomit.

Work yesterday wasn't that bad. I'm EXTREMELY upset that Jess doesn't have my (and 2 others) back on a situation going down...but whatever. I still know I'm doing the right thing.

I'm addicted to the library. I was at the library 2 or 3 times this week. I got 3 scrapbooking books yesterday...and a book about 9/11. I've got a ton more books on hold, or bookmarked to put on hold. YAY! Plus, my library is just SO cool, and pretty, and I just love it!

I might be taking off for a few days. Don't fret my pets, I will return.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Young Nation

I hate being a female somtimes. Hate it! I tend to think males have it easier (but ST pointed out they have the job of trying to keep me happy which I'm told isn't an easy task).

I'm dreading work with a passion. Its about the "I did the right thing, but feel like junk" thing.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Black Metal Jesus

A few things have been DRILLED into my head my entire life, which I've became very passionate about, for example...Time is the 1 thing we can't get back, do NOT waste my time.

A few other things that have been drilled into my head, drive me crazy! Like...Time heals all wounds, or Forgive but don't forget! Now, I wish time heals all wounds...but it just DOESN'T! There are some things, years old, that still cause me pain and/or sadness often. Forgive but don't forget...well, I'm doing a ton better on the forgiving part. I just almost wish I didn't hear "forgive but don't forget" all the time, because maybe I'd have the power/abiltiy/thought process to forgive AND forget.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Loose Rap

I had to do one of those things today...where you know you did the right thing, but you feel like CRAP for doing it. Its something I've been debating and praying about for a few months now. I know I did the right thing and in the long run, things will work out...but for now. :-
Late last night (after I was attempting to go to sleep) I ended up on the phone with ST for nearly an hour. It was the nicest, most unstrained, comfortable, productive converstation about nothing we have had in a very long time...in probably the past year. I went to sleep with a SMILE! I wish others would understand what a sweetheart (and smart aleck) ST is, how he was never out to hurt me (and I've NEVER said otherwise!), and that ST & I can really be FRIENDS! I don't hold out much hope for others realizing that, so I'll just have to be happy with my friendship and let everyone else kiss my toe!

I'm in the process of doing something that involves more/a different kind of trust then I've ever given anyone. While a tad nervous, I've got to follow my gut and know that everything will work out for the best. Life is so silly and fun sometimes. ;-)

Drama within my house, within my life continues...

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

What If

Another day, another dollar.

My bladder hurts SO badly right now, I could CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty sure most of the pain will go away once I chugged a few glasses of water. Last night, we were out of water at this house, so I had MUCH more soda than normal. :-(

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Read Between The Lines

Today has been a Craptastic Deluxe day! I was saying from about 07:00 that it was a Craptastic day, but then about 18:00 it upgraded to Craptastic Deluxe.

Lets start with the fact that I hit a huge pothole (or 2 or 3) and it basically ate my itty bitty car. I didn't end up getting to work until 11:30. LOVELY. So basically, for now, my car functions, but it needs 1 new rim, 2 new tires, and a front end alinement...plus 1 new wheel cover (since the front passanger one shattered!)

The day just sucked. Then I get home and my home computer is all jacked up. Took Dad & I about 3 hours, but it appears to be virus free and functioning again.

There is SO much going on within my head, within my life, that I can't/won't let myself deal with, let alone, explain to others. Its a mess...but I'll live. I believe I don't have a lot to do this weekend, maybe/hopefully I'll be able to explain/express myself then. I know part of the reason I'm keeping some stuff in, is because I don't have the time/strength/energy/desire to explain/justify my thoughts, feelings, life to others...so its easier to just keep stuff in.

David's Friends has moved from Wednesday nights at Church to Saturday afternoons at Pastor D's house. I don't deal with change well. I just hope this change doesn't mess up our group to much.

I need sleep, and prayers, and a million dollars. My friends, I love you & thank you for being you! All the little things you do for me, make me smile & realize that, in the grand scheme of life, I've got it good.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Always Have Always Will

My food got tossed out at work today. I wasn't happy, to say the least! I now start work at 07:15, so at about 07:10 I put my food in the huge fridge in the breakroom. Well, turns out the cleaning lady tosses food left from the previous week at 07:30 Monday mornings, and she tossed mine! NOT HAPPY!

Went out to dinner with Jo, Mom, & Dad for Jo's birthday tonight. It was okay. Mom wasn't doing that good...but we (I) must get used to taking her out even when she isn't doing good.

I hate that I don't feel like typing alot lately. I know it would be to my benefit to get things out, but I just don't feel like it. A long time ago now (it was Sept of 1999) my cousin Dany made the comment to me about how she acts different to different people regarding different situations. I have often thought that was phony of her, but now, that I see myself doing the same thing, its a way of protecting herself. I hate that so many people are only getting bits and pieces of ME right now. Its a mess within my head. It will all work itself out. I'm a girl, just a strange & silly girl. Why must we always want what we can't have? There are differences between wants and needs.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Love Crimes

I must start changing my sleep schedule/night time routines! I told myself yesterday I was going to get ready for bed at 20:30, so I'd be laying down by 21:00, asleep by 21:30...yeah, right. I didn't start getting ready until nearly midnight. This is going to be a rough change for me.

Today we are supposed to be going out to dinner to celebrate Jo's birthday (since my parents were out of town). I'm not holding my breathe, but hopefully it will happen. I've decided that going to the gym on Mondays will probably never happen.

Another day, another dollar. I did find 4 jobs on Monster last night that I plan applying for today or tomorrow.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Extra Smooth

I've always been a huger dreamer. I know I get it from my Dad. My Dad dreams, and he dreams big. I am no different. You name it and I can dream it up. I mean, I can dream about the lottery, cause 1 day that might happen (with the 5 tickets I might buy a year). Of course lately, so many of my dreams seem like they will stay dreams forever. My own little fantasy word is such a pretty happy place. I can only control my actions and NOT the actions of others.

I was toying around online looking for jobs all over the country, but now I'm seriously looking in MI. It would be SO nice to pick up and move! A girl can dream. Dreams, to me, are alot like hope...without hope we have nothing.

Some day, some how. God's plan, God's time. God doesn't give us more then we can handle.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Tell Me Something Good

I didn't want to go to Church tonight, but my Dad came up stairs and said the bus was leaving in 5 minutes, so I got ready & was going to go. Then literally, we were putting on our shoes & coats and something regarding Mom came up and I choose not to go. Its just a crappy situation all around. I'm dreading Friday with a passion. I also need to not beat myself up terribly for not making it to Church today.

I wish someone, anyone could understand my desire to just LEAVE, to MOVE FAR FAR AWAY. Of course, I have some ideal places that I'd love to move to, for more reasons then just getting away from here. ;-) My ability to remain logical regarding household happenings is starting to slip more & more, quicker & quicker.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Came To Give Love

Mom & Dad are home!!!!!! YAY!!!!

I didn't go to Church this morning and I feel guilty. I don't want to go to Church tonight and I feel guilty. I just don't want to deal with people.

I'm so thankful for my friends, they always know how to make me smile. Seriously, I'd be lost without them. I don't think they have a clue how much I cherish them, their every thought, word, & action.

I also don't feel like writing a lot.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

The one day I have to sleep as long as I want basically (cause nothing I have to do today is that important)...and I sleep for crap and am AWAKE at like 08:20. My sleep was so anxiety filled & I really don't know why.

I woke up at about 06:10 with this big crisis within my head. Why do I think I'm better than others? Part of my head knows I'm not...the other part of me is so judgmental & really thinks I'm better then Jane Smith & Mike Jones. Its not my job to judge, I know that...yet I find myself doing that way to often! There are somethings that I view as just not good/smart things to do, which I don't do, so others that do those things, I tend to look down on those people. HOW TERRIBLE OF ME! Seriously, this character flaw of mine is really bothering me lately. I've got to figure out how to change it!

Off to the gym, to the nail place to become more girly, the dollar store, then home to shower, then to the Auto Show. Mom & Dad should be home well before I get back. I don't ever remember missing my parents SO much.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Under Your Spell

My younger cousin & his baby's mama came to visit yesterday. This cousin & I have always gotten along extremely well, except when we butt heads because we both think we are smarter than everyone else (yet my Dad & his Mom are seriously 2 of the smartest people I've ever met!). I wasn't thrilled about having company. I just didn't to deal with people. Well, cousin calls and they are LOST! I had no idea where the they were. I was laughing so hard, I was crying. What should have been a 1.5 hour ride (and that's going SLOW), took them 2.5 hours! BUT they walked in the door and they brought Abbylicious with them! All my anxieties & stresses got to disappear for awhile, to play & laugh with Abby!

The lower picture is Abbigail (aka Abby or Abbylicious) as they were getting ready to leave. 01-13-06 We didn't realize it but Abby had been kissing the front of the camera with her candy cover mouth, so the pictures are all a little blurry.

I'm still trying to figure out how to add photos in Blogger, so just deal with the strange forming.

The top picture is Jo & I on her birthday. 01-10-06

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

We Need A Resolution

Wow! Yep, that's how I start a lot of posts lately. I think I'm all cried out (for now).

Update on Mom & The Mayo Clinic:

The gang is on their way home, should get home tomorrow later afteroon. The testing that she needs admitting for will take place in the future, either in MI or MN, we don't know yet...but as soon as she can get in, either place it sounds like. Mayo Clinic was going to put her on a waiting list, with them staying there...but that could take weeks for them to get in. We have lots of results though. I'd rather not get into the details about the crappiness of Mom's medical issues at the moment (see the part of being done crying). Let me just say, ERRRRRRRR! In my opinion, we got the worst news possible. Its something that is not curable, that there is very little treatment for. There are a few things that there are unanswered questions about, which is the reason for the additional tests. To top things off, this condition is (believed to be) passed down. (I can't spell the H-word right now) Of course, this was something that we thought she probably had, but since 5 Doctors here said 5 different things, I guess I never let myself fully believe it.

My Gma is here for the night. I don't feel like dealing with her AT ALL. My younger cousin & his girlfriend of sorts (his baby's mama) are coming to visit too. I just want to run away, run away from the world & not return. I want to move to Georgia (why I picked there right now, I don't know) and not deal with anything/one anymore.

The future, regarding my Mom & my family is going to test my faith in God more then ever before. There is a song I've heard a lot lately that has a line that goes "God is God, and I am not." I've got to remember God knows what he is doing.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Rock Me All Over

Update on Mom & the Mayo Clinic:

She sounded fairly well tonight. She said she had the most painful test today, the worst one in the past 20 years! It must have been a terrible test because Mom has been thru the wringer & back and can handle almost any test they put her thru without complaining! Dad sounded tired, but good. The message that came from Dad tonight was "Stop worrying about us, go worry about the Red Wings game." That really helped me smile.

I forced myself to eat a little something. With each bite, I was like "I feel like I'm going to vomit. I don't want to be eating" but I KNEW I needed something.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Gotta Thing For You

I knew I had been dragging all week, and hadn't been feeling great...well today was hell on wheels. I always knew people could get SICK from exhaustion and/or stress...but never me...until NOW. I made it into work, wasn't feeling swell, so I was taking my first break early (for me) and I tossed my cookies in the bathroom. Nope...I don't get paid enough to stay there when I'm vomitting. I'd rather puke in my own bathroom, thankyouverymuch. After a long nap, I still feel like crude...but not that bad right now. My head hurts, the thought of eating makes me feel like I'm going to vomit...but I haven't puked in hours, my fever broke, and the hives have went away for now.

I know I haven't been the most thrilled person about JJ's current pregnancy, but I am looking forward to a new baby! Well, during my nap I had a terrible horrific dream regarding them. I'd rather not go into the details...it just sucked.

I wish there was a library that carried Christian books, like basically an entire Christian book library. None of the books that Pastor D or anyone reccommends are carried by any library in the area. I'm to poor (or cheap) to go buying all the books I want to read. Erob's Mom is going to bring me some books about missions/missionaries to Church on Sunday! YAY! Yes, I still want to go to Madagascar or somewhere crazy and spread the Word. ;-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

The Sun Falls Into The Sea

As someone who is a creature of routines & habits, I've GOT TO CHANGE THINGS! This sleeping 5 hours a night gig EVERY NIGHT (with Mom not home, so it will be even less when she gets back) just doesn't cut it for me. My TV viewing habits & online routines just are going to have to end. If I don't start changing things ASAP, I'm going to be the death of me!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

One I Gave My Heart To

Its been a long rough few days.

First, the important stuff. Mom & the Mayo Clinic.

Dad called me at about 11:30 today and asked me for the name/dose of our (mom & I take the same ones) migraine pills. I ask if everything is okay. My Dad has always been the calmest person (on the surface!), most faithful, & hopeful person regarding Mom's health. His answer today was..."well, kinda...no. Not really. I'll talk to you later." That made for a GREAT afternoon. Things have calmed down some. I talked to them both a little bit ago. Mom sounded much better then I was anticipating. Dad sounded okay, probably tired and a little stressed. Mom had some tests today. Will have 2 more days of "regular" tests and then they are trying to get her admitted to the hospital for some more invasive testing. The tests that they need to admit her for, will require her to come off ALL of her medications. The thought of that, scares me. ALOT. As of right now, we won't know until Friday if/when Mom will be admitted for the major tests. There is a CHANCE they might come home & have the tests requiring hospitalization done at Univ of Michigan Hospital. That's not that close to home...but 2 hours vs 11 hours in the car. STRESS right now, that's an understatement. Without hope, we've got nothing...so I'm doing my best to stay hopeful!

Because of exhaustion & stress, I'm feeling like CRAP. I've had a headache from hell since about 11:30. I've been throwing up, my nose has been bleeding. Heck, I even cut myself shaving TWO times.

I was really tired & didn't want to go to Church, but I'm glad I did. I really NEEDED to be with those people tonight. People that love, support, and care about me & my family. Pastor D is concerned for Jo & I right now, and wants to make sure we are taking care of ourselves & eating well and all that. He's so sweet (even though he's silly 99% of the time). He's having us over for dinner one night soon, I'm sure Lisa will love hearing that. Actually...Lisa loves us! Everyone there loves us. Once word gets out that chances are pretty likely that Mom & Dad will be gone another full week longer then planned...I'm sure Jo & I will get bombarded with calls, food, cards, etc.

One of these days, I'm going to have TIME to write about fluffy stuff again.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Too Much Blood In My Alcohol Level Tonight

WOW. What a turn of events unfolded in the past hour or 2. Things appear to be all calm & cool between my friends & I again. We all apologized, and I believe all is forgiven. I haven't fought like this in awhile, it was a nice refresher course in how to argue. ;-) Gotta find the positive in everything.

BTW...Jo's also known as F7. See, my Dad can't spell to save his soul. For example, we go to Toco Bell & get Tocos & Nochos for dinner. At birthday party's we have cacke & ice cream. When we tease my Dad about it, he just writes F7 above the words, meaning...if it was typed he'd spell check it. The other day, my cousin called Jo the "human dictionary". Jo & I decided she's not a dictionary, cause she doesn't define words...she just spells them...so therefore, Jo is F7. LOL. We are a silly bunch.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!!!!

More Than A Woman

So I did publish that last post in pure 100% anxiety mode. I'm in a full blown anxiety attack right now & its killing me.

To say I'm not calm, not stable would be a huge understatement. I'm home alone right now, and I hate it.

I've always done my best to let things cool down, wait 24 hours or so before posting not cool things, heated things regarding my life & my friends. Tonight, for some gut feeling, I have this terrible feeling this isn't going to blow over soon enough & it breaks my heart into a million & one pieces.

Just AHHHHHHHHHH. I hope & I pray this situation works itself out. I hate when I fight with my best friends. Its never my intention to upset them. It breaks my heart knowing my stupid words or actions could upset my friends so much.

I'm calming down...SLOWLY. At least, I know WHAT I did that upset my friends.

God's time, God's plan.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Got To Give It Up

LOTS to post...

For starters...

Happy 20th Birthday Jo!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe my baby sister is 20! I still remember the scary day she was born, like it was yesterday. Yes, I was 6 & in 1st grade and I vividly remember the day Jo was born. I find it amazing how far technology has came in these 20 years. Jo was such an itty bitty teenie tiny baby at 2lb 10oz. Now, to think my friend's daughter was just born at 1lb 7oz, and seems to be getting bigger/better quicker then Jo did. Its so interesting to me.

I started my new regular full time hours this week, and so far its kicking my butt...but this is a busy week. It will take some getting used to. I won't be making this post as long as I want to tonight, because I need to get some good sleep. Getting up at 05:30 five days a week is CRAZINESS. And to think...I wanted to start working an hour earlier then they approved. My TV viewing habits will have to change, I think.

Mom & Dad (and gpaw) got to Rochester MN okay. Mom's test at Mayo Clinic start at 09:00. Right now, everyone seems to be nervous, excited, hopeful & stressed. I'm glad I have David's Friends tomorrow night.

If you followed my saga regarding The Liar, when I was using Xanga, I have good happy news to report. I had forgiven The Liar, thanks to God, shortly after I was lied to. Forget no, Forgive yes. Well, after the events of the past weekend, The Liar & I have made great progress and I can say I trust The Liar again. YAY!!! I hope/think The Lair has learned their lesson, no matter how big/small happy/sad I might be over the issue...do not lie to me.

I was going to type something nice & sweet about someone right now, but he's being a snot right now...so I won't. I'll save it for another day. ;-)

Today is day #3 of the week, day #1 of the gym. I did bike like 12 miles today. Go me. Its all better then nothing. At least, that's my theory. I ran into a lady I played softball with last summer, and for the life of me...I couldn't remember her name. Jo & I were racking our brains at dinner. It was driving me crazy. She knew my name, and I didn't know her name. I am sure I looked like a moron. BTW...her name is Maureen.

I've got a lot more within my brain to blog, but time isn't on my side right now. I'm so overtired, I'm really afraid I'm going to start snapping at the wrong people...so I'm going to bed. (okay, so I finished this post, was about to post it...and now, my heart is racing a million miles a minute...on the verge of an anxiety attack...not cool. I won't actually be publishing this until I calm down some, so it might not appear on your birthday Jo)

Again...Happy Birthday Jo (aka F7).

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

The Madonna Is With Child

The past 24 hours have been CRAZY!

I had a great time last night, doing nothing more then toying at this computer. I'm a nerd.

Today has been the day from hell. It started bad, got GOOD, then went to hell! Lots of family drama...MAJOR stuff. I've been in anxiety mode since about 15:45. In order to get any real sleep, I'm going to have to drug myself and sleep with my door locked. Not stuff I like to do. Stress is an understatement right now. My parents leave for Mayo Clinic tomorrow. I'm nervous for them. I don't know why but nervous is really the best emotion I have, the only one really.

Church was very good today. I'm still confused about the staying or leaving my Church situation. Saying Good-bye to Red today, was bitter sweet. He got his hair cut SO short, you can barely tell its red. Silly kid.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Strange Alice

I keep saying I want to switch back to blogger (instead of My Xanga Site) for the number 1 reason being, I don't like how Xanga organizes the past entries. I gave Xanga a fair shot, more then a fair shot I think. While there are a few things I like about Xanga better, this little place will always be my blogging home & I'm back.

I need to leave for Church in 25 minutes, I should get in the shower soon or later.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!