Gotta Love It

I don't feel like going anywhere tonight...physically or mentally.  Plus, its REALLY not in the budget!  I've had a headache all day that I just can't shake.

Ever feel like those that you care the most about don't give a sh*t about you?  I feel that way SO often lately.  A little bit with my family...but mainly my friends.  It just breaks my heart.  The more I try, the less they do.  I just want to quit life.

Dad is hunting tomorrow morning.  Every ounce of selfish T wants him to have a bad hunt.  I don't want to deal with it tomorrow.  I also am annoyed by him hunting cause it could affect me going to Church and we all KNOW I need to go to Church every second I can.

I will survive this depression!  It just SUCKS in the mean time.  It seems like the good times are so few...and short lived. 

I have a feeling ST is home for the weekend.  He left me a message to call him at a random number.  While I would LOVE to spend time with him, I'm not in the mental place to deal with others.  I wish I could...but I can't.  I'd rather stick my phone antenna in my eye then deal with strangers right now.

God is love!

Critical Mass

Something that really bugs me...People that know it ALL!  I think I know most things most of the time...but I KNOW I don't know EVERYTHING all the time!

Next point...my Uncle is a weirdo!  He drives a huge fancy a*s SUV.  He's willing to spend an extra hour in the vehicle (with a 7 & 9 year old!!) instead of drive on a dirt road for 3 miles.  I don't get it.  Whatever works for him!

God is love!

Vendetta

Today is my favorite cousin's birthday.  He's 6!  Hard to imagine that he's 6 already!  His birthday party is this afternoon.  I'd rather lay in bed and be crappy...but I'm going to suck up this depression mess and put on a happy face for him.  He's the cutest, sweetest, funniest little kid...plus he treats me like the princess I am!  I wonder what words of scripture wisdom he'll have for me today. 

My other little cousins have hockey today.  They are playing in this farmville town in which I partly reside (so its about 15 minutes away).  We will be going to watch little kid hockey before going to Favorite Cousin's birthday party.  I'll be on family overload come 5pm, for sure!

My plans for tonight are still up in the air.  I don't want to go out, but I probably should for my mental health.  Action, motivation, more action.

I made a card for Favorite Cousin's birthday.  I made it with scrapbooking supplies.  It turned out really cute even without being able to find the pens I wanted and then the pens I started using dying 1/2 thru.  Its sad though...my scrapbooking area is such a mess and dusty!  Everything is covered in dust!  I need to get scrapbooking!!!!!!!  I love scrapbooking, why don't I make time for it more often?  Action, motivation, more action.

I was thinking about going to the gym today...but then decided not to.  LAZY FAT A*S!  Action, motivation, more action.

We had an unexpected knock at the door at about 9am.  Gpaw decided to show up.  Good thing Dad was home.  I was the one that answered the door.  I would have no problem telling him that he's not welcome here without my Dad.  Dad plays the buffer so well.  Plus, Gpaw doesn't start any sh*t with another male around. 

I miss Trin more then I can put into words today.  Having to deal with lots of my family for the first time today without her.  Its going to suck!  How am I going to survive?  God, can we fast forward to January please?

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is love!

The Hop

This evening I did 100% of NOTHING!  It was SO nice to nap, watch the Tigers game, now play online.  Ahhhh.  RELAXATION!

The situation with Gma, while it appears to be improving (she's now in a rehab hospital, if I didn't mention that)...its really not.  She's been hallucinating, which they have blamed on a condition called delirium.  They assured us that it would go away.  Now they are saying she's got Sundowning going on too.  Everything I can find on "sundowning" seems to say its part of Alzheimer's.  The mind is such a sad terrible thing to see go.  I've been (attempting to) dealing with it with my Mom for about 3 years now.  I'm having a rough time with the Trin dying thing (and I know its going to get worse, holidays!, before it gets better!)...I can't handle this stuff with Gma right now.

I can't even post about my decent news cause I'm just at a lost with this Gma situation.

God is love!

Run To Me

The only nice thing I have to say right now...

TGIF!

God is love!

Shut Up And Dance

Jo deserves a big gold star on her forehead today!

Normally (August-May), on Thursday nights is the one night that I'm on Mom-sitting duty.  Seems as if 9 times out of 10...Mom isn't doing good when its my day.  Might also have to do with its Thursday and I've had enough of work, etc. and need my week to be over.  Well, today I was SO tired.  I almost go into a bad car accident on the way home.  I almost rear-ended a stopped truck while I was doing 70mph.  Thank God there was no one in the lane and shoulder next to me.  Then as I was much closer to home, I almost put my car in a ditch.  TIRED.  Well, I got home and Jo let me take a quality nap, no questions asked.  It helped that Mom was napping too.  Yay for naps. 

My weekend is pretty unplanned.  Chances are its going to stay that way due to lack of $$.  Oh well.  I'll sleep, clean, scrapbook and all that good stuff maybe...or probably really play online.  Unless my friends want to drive to the farm to hang out with me.  Ha.  That was funny. 

Now I'm off to get my 4 hours of sleep before I get to do it all over again.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Walk This Way

Things at work went much better than anticipated today.  Boss is continuing to go to bat for me.  If things continue this way for the next week or 2...its all good.

Sad news on the work front...one of my good friends and my at work best friend put in her notice today.  Blondie is leaving me!  How dare her!  I hope things work out for her at her new job. 

God is love!

Deuces Are Wild

I don't want to go to work today.  Besides the fact that I'm tired, don't feel well, and am stressed...I've been dreading this afternoon for a week.

I don't want to go visit Gma today.  I doubt I will because I'm not feeling well.

Just blah.  David's Friends was great last night.

God is love!

Eat The Rich

Why is walking away one of the hardest things to do?  Yet, it obviously, is SO easier for others.  I can only control and be responsible for MY actions & thoughts!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Mama Kin

Some of the best inventive moments were born out of “wrong thinking.” Most people start with the right way so they all follow the same path. The wrong way will lead to mistakes from which you can learn and create new discoveries – the kind of original ideas that come to life when we dare to be different, keep an open mind and have no fear of failure.

-- James Dyson
Industrial designer and inventor of the Dyson vacuum. Starbucks (The way I see it #157)

ST & I went to Starbucks over the weekend and this was the message on his cup.  I had read it but he didn't know it.  Then as I was getting ready to leave he handed me the cup and was like "Read this, its for YOU."  I wish it was that easy.  We both know its not...but I know I'm slowly making progress.

The website has lots of cool interesting (and some strange and out there!) sayings.

Nap time.

God is love!

The Other Side

So I decided to NOT go to work today.  The not being able to talk a lot/swallow/breathe right gig doesn't work for my job.  They were nice to me yesterday, but I've been there long enough to not expect that treatment 2 days in a row.  Plus, I've got 1 sick day AND 1 late/leave early day to use this week.  Yes, I must push the attendance bonus!  Hell, I've only actually gotten it 2 times in the nearly 5 years I worked there.

Last night, I was in bed by 21:00.  That's EARLY for me!  I looked at my cell phone this morning and I missed a call (I didn't dump it to VM, just missed it) and received/sent text messages.  Yes, I was sleeping and sending texts.  GREAT.  Those are probably better then my drunken text messages I've sent in the past.

Back to sleep I go.

God is love!

Get A Grip

Out of sight...out of mind.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I won't waste my time on those that won't spend time with me.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Don't judge a book by its cover.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Go after what you want in life.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Before He Cheats

So...things at work are decent until Thursday and Friday.  I didn't feel good today and they we actually NICE to me about it.  Didn't make me take a million phone calls or anything.  Doesn't mean I didn't WORK...but I just didn't have to deal with customers directly!

Now...here's the thing with that place that has me annoyed NOW.  So, we get nice attendance bonuses.  I usually don't get it because I can't get to work on time...but since I start at 06:00 I haven't had a problem (no traffic to make me 4 minutes late).  When I switched my hours to start 1.25 hours earlier, I did it at the request of my boss.  I didn't ask to change my hours, they approached me.  Well, in our policy it says if you change your hours it counts as a day missed.  So, now it looks like I'll have to fight like hell with the people that hate me right now, jump thru more of their flaming hoops to get my bonus. 

How about those play-off bound Detroit Tigers?  WAHOOOO!

Why can't people wrapped their heads around the idea that ST & I are just friends?  Nearly EVERYONE always goes off about us getting back together, every time I mention his name.  That is NOT either of our intentions!  We are FRIENDS, great friends.  That's ALL!  We both could tell you a bunch of reasons why the other would make a great boyfriend/girlfriend...but NOT for us!  He's my best friend ...the person I can truly let my hair down with, put my claws away, make stupid statements, trust, fight with, not talk to for a month & jump right back into our mess, laugh at, etc.  We joked this weekend that at 50, we will both be divorced (from 2 VERY anti-divorce people!) and will end up finally getting married.  We've been broke up 23 months & 2 days (no, I didn't know that...I just looked at the computer calendar thing) and while its been rough at times...I wouldn't want it any other way.  Saturday afternoon, I made the comment that "I doubt I'll ever find anyone to deal with me the way you did."  While sometimes, I believe that...I've learned SO much.  Like how to NOT walk all over someone, how to NOT take them for granted, how to pull my weight, etc.  Thanks ST for being my friend, my love, and now my best friend.  Its been a ride.  I love you, my friend!  I'd be so lost without you.  I could continue...but that's enough mushy mush. 

Boys suck.  ;-)

God is love!

Two Pink Lines

Canceled both of my dates for the weekend (you know, my pillow & monster.com) and went to Cincinnati.  Had a good time with ST.  More later.  I need sleep!!!

God is love!

Falling For You

Every ounce of me that didn't want to go to work yesterday REALLY doesn't want to go today.  Add on that I don't feel that good (that's what stress & exhaustion will do)and yeah. 

As I told a friend from Church last night (yes, I actually broke down and got in touch with a Church friend, cause I didn't know what else to do!) I haven't been in the best place mentally since June.  I've been doing "better" lately...but not that good.  Right now, I'm starting to come apart again, majorly.  It sucks!  I'm reading this "Feeling Good" book still.  I read like 2 pages a day, get frustrated and put it down.  I'd rather die then continue to deal with anything.  Here we go again.  More about this depression crap later.

Hopefully, I make it thru the work day.  Physically, mentally...and with a job.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Sight For Sore Eyes

My family! Mom, Dad, Jo, & me. We clean up well, I must say.

Shell

Jo & Me
Shell & J cutting their wedding cake.

Somebody

I HATE the company that issues my paycheck!  HATE HATE HATE!  I have at many times, disliked the job, some people I work with, the company that I work for, the company that issues my check.  Today, I OFFICIALLY hate the company that I technically work for.  It wouldn't surprise me if I was out of a job very soon.  I'd rather not go on and on about what went down today, but ERRRRRRRRRR.  Surprisingly, my supervisor's boss is sticking up for me.  Of course, this all had to go down starting at about 14:35 today when I leave at 14:45.  I pray that boss was able to get things worked out.  If not, God only knows.  Monster.com here I come.  We've got a date for Saturday, for sure!  NO ONE deserves to be talked to the way I was today...NO ONE!

I got to SEE Gma for the first time today, since last Wednesday.  According to the doctors she's doing as expected.  The infection that had her "quarantined" is going down (the # that they are watching), her heart is doing well, her incision is healing good.  She's having a hard time eating, so she's getting lots of fruit & milkshakes.  She might be moving to the rehab center as early as tomorrow.  The biggest problem right now is she's hallucinating...and BAD. She keeps telling everyone (EVERYONE!) she has AIDS, so do all her kids, she's SO sorry, she'll burn in Hell (yet, she knows that God has forgiven her for her sins and that God loves her and God has the power to heal her), that there's a man in her ceiling, she didn't have sex with anyone in Vegas, she's donating her body to research tonight cause she's already dead, etc.

The first Detroit Red Wings game of the season (preseason really) is on TV tonight.  Its like the 2nd game...but the first one on TV.  I'm SOOOOOOOO excited, I just can't hide it.  Hockey rules.  Its the coolest game on ice, ya know?!

God is love!

Lord Of The Thighs

Every ounce of my brain & gut are telling me to NOT go to work today.  Physically & mentally, I'm spent.  I'm running on nothing.  Yet, NOT going to work wouldn't help my financial stress!

One of Trin's friends just emailed me.  Justin's really opening my eyes to the world.  I love that kid!  Remember...love the sinner, hate the sin!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Lick And A Promise

Shell loading the dishwasher before getting dressed.

J & Shell outside the hall. J was in the middle of telling me he was going to shot the next person that took his picture.
Jo & her "date" James. James is one of Jo's best friends (since like 1st grade)
Jo & Butt

God is love!

Kings And Queens

Gma called us at about 21:45 last night to tell us a bunch of crazy things.  The meds have her hallucinating really bad.  The stress is starting to just be to much for me.  Obviously, I'm under other stress to.  I can just tell I'm starting to crack!

I'm so glad today is Wednesday. David's Friends!  YAY!

God doesn't give me more then I can handle.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Nobody's Fault

There is no order to these photos. Email me/leave me a comment and I'll send you the link to the rest of them. This computer isn't cooperating to say the least! Maybe I'll post more in a few days...

Butt & Shell. (2 of my 3 best girl friends from high school, the other one we don't talk to at all anymore)
That's me & Mark from FL. Yes, we kept calling him "Mark from Florida." He's one of J's best friends/groomsmen. He was SO much fun. ;-) The problem is...he's Mark from FL. J & Shell Anna, Butt, Cris, & I
Me
Amy & I (Shell's dad calls us "Twins")
Me, J, & Shell

God is love!

Adam's Apple

I didn't mention it yesterday.  Gma is clinging on.  She's "quarantined" at the moment.  She's got "MRSA", an infectious disease.  Its a minute by minute situation.  Mom & Gpaw are NOT handling it at all!

Slowly...VERY slowly, yahoo is letting me add pictures.  I just haven't been being patient enough or something.

I don't want to go to work.  I have SO much to do!

God is love!

My Hope Is You

MySpace, Blogger, & Yahoo won't let me upload pictures.  AOL won't let me send an attachment.  I'm starting to think the problem is with my computer/connection.  ;-)

Important things about Shell & J's wedding:

* Everyone that stood up in the wedding was great.  I had a blast with them all.  Even before we were all drinking, we were having a good time with each other.  The out-of-staters were even friendly.  Some friendlier then others. LMAO.
* Shell looked B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!
* My dress didn't look that bad.  I actually looked nice too.  My hair came out GREAT!!!!  I even let JJ paint my face with makeup!
* J's Dad was the only parent to cry during the ceremony.  Later in the night, when I was talking about it with him...he said "T, he's my best friend.  Seriously, that kid is my best friend!" And started tearing up again.
* The food & drinks were great and overly plentiful.
* The place we took pictures at after the ceremony before the reception...was where ST purposed I got emotional for about 5 seconds.  It was eerrrry though...cause I had my earrings that I love, from ST on.  (While everyone else wore earrings Shell bought).
* Cris' toast/speech (which she wasn't going to give!) was great.  She did a super job!
* J's brother (best man)'s toast was great too.  He even slammed his ex-wife at the end of it.  Knowing that situation, it was cute!
* I, of ALL people, danced the great majority of the night.  Once the dance floor was open, I don't think I left the dance floor unless it was to use the bathroom.  I didn't care that I can't dance...and no one else did either.  (Well, Butt did for about 30 seconds but realized that I was getting annoyed with her rather quickly)
* The ceremony was short & to the point.  VERY much Shell & J's style!
* The entire day went to FAST.  I think they need to have a do-over wedding.  ;-)


Pictures...sooner or later!

God is love!

Milk Cow Blues

Blogger STILL won't let me upload pictures! ERRRRRRRRR!

The one day in the past 2+ years, I woke up with the plan of eating breakfast before work, we have NO oatmeal! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Still need to catch up on sleep!

Out of sight, out of mind. Sucks, but that's life. God's plan on God's time!

Happy Monday!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Draw The Line

I'm trying to upload pictures from the wedding, but that will take awhile...especially since Blogger and/or my computer aren't cooperating.

I did make it to Church today, but the picnic and stuff afterwards, yeah...I was WAY to tired for that.  Especially since my family didn't make the food and wasn't going.

Start to finish, Shell was a great bride!  Everything turned out perfect!  I had, BY FAR, the best time at this wedding compared to other weddings I've been to.  I'm still to tired to write more about it...so yeah...Goodnight.

God is love!

I Wanna Know Why

Shell & J are now officially MARRIED!  Mr & Mrs D!  That's scary & exciting.  I'm SO happy for them.  More details and pictures to come.  I had, BY FAR, the best time EVER at a wedding!  Actually, in general, I couldn't tell you the last time I had THAT much fun.  It was a blast, start to finish.

Church at 10:00 with Church functions to follow. 

God is love!

Major Barbara

I got 9 hours of sleep, decent sleep!  YAY!  I woke up at about 05:15 to use the bathroom and fought to go back to sleep for a few minutes.

Off to face another day!  TGIF!

God is love!

Rats In The Cellar

I've been stressed and exhausted for a while now.  Yet, I have tomorrow off work without much to do.  So, instead of sleeping in my OWN bed...I'm playing online...but at least, I'm relaxing.

I've had a love/hate issue with sleep for a long time now.  I remember back during the Summer of 1998 it was at its worst.  I wouldn't sleep cause I was worried that SOMETHING might happen without me.  While we are sleeping China is awake.  Its part of my control freak nature or something.

When I feel like no one cares...God cares!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

The Hand That Feeds

Gma had surgery today.  She came thru surgery fine.  The situation is looking a little better but still not good.  God is in control.

J & Shell's wedding is in 2 days.  My anxiety is increasing.  I'm excited, yet nervous.  I'm SO happy & excited for Shell & J.  They are SO happy & deserve nothing but the best!  Pictures to come soon enough.

I can't wait to get some REAL sleep.  Maybe next weekend, if Jo & I go up north to my other grandparents house.

God is love!

Same Old Song And Dance

~No news is good news.
~God doesn't give me more than I can handle.
~I'm stronger then I know!

Happy Hump Day!

God is love!

When You Say You Love Me

The opposite sex sucks!!!  Every now and then, I get this thought or hope that maybe there is one out there that doesn't suck...but that's short lived lately.

Now, I know that's not totally true...they all don't suck, but lately, that's just how I feel.

#4, feel free to totally, 100%, sweep me off my feet any time now.  LOL.  No more playing hard to get, no more commitment phobic, no more "I want to be single forever".  I'm ready for Mr Right, or at least, Mr Right Now.  ;-)

Sleep.Now!  NOW.SLEEP!

God is love!

Draw The Line

STOP picking at your face T!  Right now!  I do good for 3 days, then pick pick pick.  Then my face looks like hell for a week.  NO MORE picking! 

"Operation Ask No Questions, Tell No Lies" is in full effect right now.  What is Operation ANQ/TNL?  Its the new way of dealing with my Mom.  She can't handle stress and/or excitement.  We decided about a month ago, that Operation ANQ/TNLShe knows Gma is in the hospital.  She doesn't know Gma is having surgery on Thursday.  We will tell Mom that on a need to know basis.  IF Mom asks questions we will NOT lie though.  This is the first time we have really started to use the new operation...we shall see how it works.  Mom's family is actually COOPERATING with it!  Miracle.  Favorite Aunt called Dad's cell phone to give him info.  Then later crabby Aunt called and I answered and she was like "Good, I didn't want your Mom to answer." 

Tomorrow is rehearsal for J & Shell's wedding (but the rehearsal dinner is Friday).  I'm nervous/excited about it.  I knew I'd fill with anxiety about the situation.  I hate new things, outside my box.  It bugs me that I don't know 3 of the guys standing up for J.  Its just all outside my box.  Don't get me started on the dancing thing.  OUTSIDE MY BOX, I'LL LIVE!  I will have fun too, dammit!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Toys In The Attic

I got word about 45 minutes ago that Gma is doing "well".  Whatever "well" is at this point, I don't know.  She's in God's hands.  I know that, Gma knows that, and so goes God!

Mom forgot that Gma was back in the hospital, so when I went to tell her the update, Mom flipped out on Dad & I.

Its kinda creep, to me, someone logged into Trin's myspace account today.  I'm willing to bet I know who did it (either her stepbrother, best friend, or boyfriend).  Its just weird, if you ask me!

I need to find anti-slip things for the bottom of my shoes (for J & Shell's wedding) REALLY bad.  Sandpaper isn't cutting it!  I also need to find my silver handbag...or borrow one quick.  My neon green & orange bag isn't going to work with fancy royal blue dress (with silver beaded flowers...and silver shoes)!

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger!  God doesn't give me more than I can handle!

God is love!

Critical Mass

My family is coming apart at the seams.  The sadness, stress, lack of sleep, etc is catching up with everyone.  Everyone is starting to yip at everyone about anything.

Gma is back in the hospital.  She's in *SO* much pain, even a sheet laying on her hurts.

God is love!

Chrome

I'm exhausted, yet the thought of sleeping (especially the time it takes to lay there and fall asleep) is SO sad to me, that I put off sleeping.  Then during my short amount of broken sleep last night, I had panic attack on top of panic attack.  YUCK!

I pray that work is a little slow today, so I can get some personal non-work stuff done.  How bad of me?!  Basically I just need to get my week organized!

Happy Monday!  God's time, God's plan!

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 
2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
  3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 
4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 
5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.  Psalm 23 (KJV)

God is love!

Chip Away The Stone

That friend that I was VERY concerned about, well, that situation got better on Friday.  Now, tonight, its back to being concerned.  Not freaking out concerned right now, just sad helpless concern.  Friend (you know who you are!), know that I love you & would do anything for you!

It was 2 years ago, almost to the day, when I realized me & my best friend P were growing apart.  Things were just changing and I didn't need/want to be her friend anymore.  I fought and clung to the friendship about another 8 months...but I knew it was over.  Once ties were severed, it was something that I KNEW (and still KNOW!) was for the best and I have never looked back.  I don't miss her, I don't miss the friendship. 

Right now, I see the same thing happening with me and another one of my best friends.  It sucks.  I feel myself clinging onto a friendship that I know is ending.  This is hurting me a lot more this time, then it did with P.  Just blah.  I just wish this friend cared as much as I do.  I think that's part of my issue.  He cared SO much, and now he doesn't care at all.  ERRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I haven't prayed "Pat's Prayer" in a while.  I'm going back to that for a bit.  While I'm CONTENT with my single (commitment phobic!) life...I do want (and am starting to feel like God's saying its time) to find that Godly husband of mine.  lol.  Oh wait...I found him, his name is #4.  Now #4 stop being silly.  T, stop being paranoid and commitment phobic.  LOL at myself.

Off to dream about palm trees, #4, and silliness.  This Trin thing SUCKS!!!!!!

God is love!

Sense And Nonsense

The excitement and adrenaline of everything has worn off.  I couldn't tell you the last time I was SO exhausted!  I feel like junk, from being exhausted.  Really really crappy exhausted!  Going to grab some dinner and go back to bed very soon.

A few times lately, people have called me commitment-phobic.  I'm NOT!  I was in a *great* relationship and had it stolen out from under my feet with NO warning signs.  It devastated my world!  Then, I jumped into a relationship with someone that I thought was great for me, to only get burned and burned again by him.  Okay, so maybe I am a little commitment-phobic, but its me doing the best I can to protect myself.

My Favorite Aunt, some others, and I were having a conversation yesterday that my husband is out there, he just doesn't know it yet.  Jo & I joked that its #4.  ;-)  God's time...God's plan.  Trust, hope, & faith!

God is love!

Back In The Saddle

I'm going to keep this as short as possible...ha!  I've been awake for about 22 hours straight, but I've got to get some things off my chest.

August 29th was the last time I talked with my fri-sin Trin.  We talked on the phone for just a quick minute or two...maybe 5.  Just "Hi, how are you? I love and miss you.  See you this weekend" type talk.  There was 1 specific question I had to ask her.  She answered, we laughed. 

A day or 2 later, I was talking with a co-worker (Dorothy) (that I often pray with/for) about the situation.  She said something so simply to me (this wasn't about Trin, it was about someone else...but can apply in MANY situations) "T, love the sinner, hate the sin"  I talked with a few in my family about it, and decided that's what I was going to do.  Over Labor Day Weekend, we were all disappointed to NOT see Trin, but it wasn't out of the ordinary for Trin to not show up to Gpaw's house.  Favorite Aunt and I talked and prayed about the situation I was struggling with regarding the sin/sinner.  I *so* wanted to tell Trin the break thru I was having regarding this sin/sinner!  Its HUGE for me!  I'm definitely my Dad's daughter...that's for sure.

My fri-sin Trin, was one of the most caring and ACCEPTING people I've ever met.  EVER!  Fat, skinny, smart, stupid, funny, loud, quiet, green hair, yellow hair, flame colored hair, etc...she didn't judge and accepted YOU for YOU!

Since Wednesday, I've had a lot of contact with the sin/sinner person.  I must say, that was the best advice I could have EVER been given!  At the time, it was specifically about one person, but since Wednesday...there have been 2.  I must say, I don't judge these people...and I love them to pieces!!!!!!!!!!  If anyone wants to know the specifics, feel free to ask.  I might post them in the future, but if anyone asks I'll most them sooner.

I know my judging people, thinking I'm better then most, and selfish, self-centeredness are issues I'm trying to improve.  Its amazing how God works.  Thru Trin's death, I got a great lesson on not judging and accepting ALL.

I could go on and on.  I'll miss Trin *SO* much.  She knows that, I know that, my family & friends know that.  She was such a pest when we were younger.  Then I grew into the pest.  ;-)  Every holiday since ET died in 1995, I've missed him like crazy.  Trin & I had each other to keep ourselves in check about missing ET.  The holidays will suck this year for sure!

Last Christmas (say 9 months ago), Trin really got on my case about my relationship with JJ.  Trin has lost a brother to death and one to jail or whatever.  She had no siblings as far as she was concerned.  About a month after Christmas, I really started thinking about what she said, and began putting in an effort.  JJ is my sister & I love her no matter what she does! 

Yesterday (since its now after 04:00) when everything was messed up, I figured out a way to get things taken care of.  Well, Dad later suggested taking care of things at JJ's house.  Why didn't I think of that?  It worked out SO much better then I could have imagine (still not how planned, but good enough!) PLUS I got to visit with Jax, JJ, and boyfriend du jour.  Things with JJ still aren't all roses, but MUCH better then they were this time last year!

Its strangely cool how God manages to work everything out!

My plan for today is sleep until 09:00, go to Church, come home and sleep until its time for work Monday morning!  SERIOUSLY!  I need it!!!!

God is love!

Let The Music Do The Talking

Its storming right now.  Its to loud for me to sleep.  I shouldn't be online either, but I don't care right now.  I need sleep!!!!!!!!!!

I know God has this all figured out for me.  I will make it thru this messy situation going on right now.  Everything, one way or another...God's way, will work things out.  Maybe now how/when I wanted them to, but the way GOD wants them to.

1 Then Moses and the Israelites sang this song to the LORD :
       "I will sing to the LORD,
       for he is highly exalted.
       The horse and its rider
       he has hurled into the sea. 
2 The LORD is my strength and my song;
       he has become my salvation.
       He is my God, and I will praise him,
       my father's God, and I will exalt him. 
3 The LORD is a warrior;
       the LORD is his name. 
4 Pharaoh's chariots and his army
       he has hurled into the sea.
       The best of Pharaoh's officers
       are drowned in the Red Sea. 
5 The deep waters have covered them;
       they sank to the depths like a stone. 
6 "Your right hand, O LORD,
       was majestic in power.
       Your right hand, O LORD,
       shattered the enemy. 
7 In the greatness of your majesty
       you threw down those who opposed you.
       You unleashed your burning anger;
       it consumed them like stubble. 
8 By the blast of your nostrils
       the waters piled up.
       The surging waters stood firm like a wall;
       the deep waters congealed in the heart of the sea. 
9 "The enemy boasted,
       'I will pursue, I will overtake them.
       I will divide the spoils;
       I will gorge myself on them.
       I will draw my sword
       and my hand will destroy them.' 
10 But you blew with your breath,
       and the sea covered them.
       They sank like lead
       in the mighty waters. 
11 "Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ?
       Who is like you—
       majestic in holiness,
       awesome in glory,
       working wonders? 
12 You stretched out your right hand
       and the earth swallowed them. 
13 "In your unfailing love you will lead
       the people you have redeemed.
       In your strength you will guide them
       to your holy dwelling. 
14 The nations will hear and tremble;
       anguish will grip the people of Philistia.
15 The chiefs of Edom will be terrified,
       the leaders of Moab will be seized with trembling,
       the people of Canaan will melt away; 
16 terror and dread will fall upon them.
       By the power of your arm
       they will be as still as a stone—
       until your people pass by, O LORD,
       until the people you bought pass by. 
17 You will bring them in and plant them
       on the mountain of your inheritance—
       the place, O LORD, you made for your dwelling,
       the sanctuary, O Lord, your hands established. 
18 The LORD will reign
       for ever and ever."
19 When Pharaoh's horses, chariots and horsemen went into the sea, the LORD brought the waters of the sea back over them, but the Israelites walked through the sea on dry ground.
20 Then Miriam the prophetess, Aaron's sister, took a tambourine in her hand, and all the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing.
21 Miriam sang to them:
       "Sing to the LORD,
       for he is highly exalted.
       The horse and its rider
       he has hurled into the sea."  Exodus 15:1-21 (NIV)

When I see no way, I know God will make a way!

God is good, all the time!  All the time, God is good!

Lord Of The Thighs

I HATE PEOPLE!  Just about everyone!  Okay...not really.  I hate no one, just some seem to be going out of their way to upset me.  I QUIT!  I can't hurt myself any more!  I've said I quit before...but at some point the straw will break the camels back.

Satan is trying REALLY hard to get me down!  I had about 3 hours worth of baking to do tonight for Shell's party tomorrow.  I like baking.  It relaxes me.  Well, got home at 22:30 and started to bake and the oven won't work!  I had everything prepped and ready to go into the oven, so now we wasted $50 worth of food.  My blood is boiling because I can't find a solution.  I make a plan and it just gets fu*ked up more and more.  I have NO idea what I'm going to do now.  I don't time, money, or energy for this!  NOT AT FU*KING all!!!!!!!!!  I'm so tempted to just NOT go to the party, every ounce of me right now, wants NOTHING to do with the party tomorrow, the wedding, nothing.  I WANT TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD!

Trin's visitation was MUCH harder on me tonight then I thought it was going to be.

Pray for me, cause yeah...life sucks right now. 

God is love!

Shame On You

WHY must I continue to pick at my broken out face???  Its broken out, I pick at it and it looks worse.  I KNOW that, yet I pick at it!  FUGLY UGLY YUCKY!

If I put my head on my pillow, I'll pass out.  Yet, I can't.  I don't want to sleep.  Its weird.

God is love!

Three Mile Smile

I HATE gut feelings!  HATE HATE HATE them!  I know my current state of stress & exhaustion isn't helping me any!  I'm VERY concerned about one of my best friends.  I'll leave it at that!  Pray pray pray, listen, open my heart & mind to God, and pray some more.  I've been down this road before, with this same friend & things worked out okay...so I'm hoping for the same thing.  That gut feeling, though...

I know everyone has their own lives & issues.  Another one of my best friends is very self absorbed right now.  ERRRRRRRRRR!  Another one of my best friends is being so cold & heartless right now.  This friend is the one that I expected to be there for me, thru thick and thin...more than anyone in my life, and I'm dealing with a cold jerkball lately.  Just BLAH!  Everything will work itself out.

God's time, God's plan.

Thanks to my friend/coworker Dani, I managed to find someone to do my hair for Shell's wedding.  1 less stress!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Favorite Fallen Idol

I am forever saying I'm tired or exhausted.  BUT, I am the sleep princess that really only sleeps well in my own bed, ST's bed (his current bed in Cinci), or my bed at my Dad's parents house.

WELL...life happens and things change.  I am SO exhausted.  I went outside on my break today to get some fresh air and be alone.  I was resting my head on my purse.  I FELL ASLEEP!  It was only about 10 minutes, but I was sound asleep!

Trin's viewing (which isn't really a viewing, cause there will be a closed casket) is tomorrow with the funeral on Saturday morning.  I've got a VERY busy few days.  Tomorrow will be from 04:15 til at least 23:00, Saturday will be about 08:00-04:00.  JOY!  God will carry me thru!

I just posted on Trin's myspace page...but I need to share it here too...
Yeah, heel toe, do si do, come on baby let's go boot scoot
Ohh, cadillac black jack baby meet me out back we're gonna, boogie.
Oh, get down, turn around, go to town, boot scoot boogie.
RIP Trin Lynn, my fri-sin!  09/03/82-09/03/06

God is love!

Rag Doll

Let me say...when things seem bad, they can almost always get worse!

To make a LONG story short, cause I don't have time...

My cousin, Trin, died yesterday. D-E-A-D at the age of 23. We don't know why/how yet, we might never know. Details are very limited and just slowly coming together. My Aunt (her mom) found her. This is almost my cousin whose brother Erick died in Nov of 1995 at the age of 20.

Trin Lynn, my fri-sin! (fri-sin, that's friend cousin for you un-cool people) That picture is of Trin & I on 12/23/99.

God is love!

Write Me A Letter

Ever have those times when things just SUCK...and you think things can't get worse, yet they manage to?  That's my life right now.

I feel *SO* bad for my Gma.  She's in so much pain, there isn't a lot anyone can do to help her.  She's always been so strong & so independent.  To see her like this, is emotionally draining, to say the least.  Its one of those times where you pray for God to take away the pain, whether He calls her home to be with him, or physically heals her.

If I don't get some quality sleep (be it 2 hours a day) things are going to start getting VERY dangerous for me VERY soon.  I know I'm running myself into the ground, not eating, not sleeping, stress, depression, with a 100 millions to do all the time.

Things WILL get better.

God is love!

Same Old Song And Dance

I should be more grateful that I am ABLE to help everyone.  I hate that I get upset lately when others ask me to help them.  I have my own issues, my own stuff to deal with, my own problems...yet I can't get my stuff dealt with cause I've got to help everyone else.

To make a LONG story as short as possible right now...Gma spent time in the hospital again over the weekend.  I'm off to stay with her for the night, maybe 2 nights.  Traffic is going to be hell getting there right now, and add on that I don't have a single penny to my name.  ZERO ZIP ZILCH, NOTHING.  I have $ in the form of a paycheck which I have NO access to until 09:30 tomorrow.  No dinner for me...for about night number 4.  It will all work out, I know that.  Pray that I have enough gas to make it to Gma's.  Just ERRRRRRRR.

God is love!

Ballroom

I was in a semi-decent mood.  I'm letting to many people get to me.  Its my own fault.  I asked for opinions, got them...and don't like them.  HELLO, T!  You ASKED for opinions!

This carpooling with Dad gig just becoming a headache...especially for the next 2 weeks!  I've got so many little things to do, all the time.  I just need my own fu*king car.  Wait...it is MY car.  I'm just to nice, to often.  Its the joys of living here rent free, I guess.  My Dad helps me, I help him.

I've still got to figure out (within the next 24 hours hopefully) what I'm doing with my hair/makeup for Shell & J's wedding since plan #1 AND #2 have both fallen thru.  ERRRRRRRR.  Let me just say I'm glad I'm NOT getting married anytime soon!  Seriously, Shell has been the coolest most laid-back bride EVER!  Its just my life is stupid busy, everything is SO far from me, and this sharing a car gig. 

I better nap soon.  Ahhhh.  A nap, in a BED.  MY OWN bed!  More about The Adventures of Gpaws to come.

I'm slowly reading a book (at the recommendation of 1 great friend and a bunch of people on TV) called "Feeling Good" by Dr. Burns.  So far, I like what the book has to say.  I can see where its a great book for some, but I am still having a hard time figuring out how to apply the ideas to MY life.  BUT...I'm NOT giving up.  I will NOT be depressed forever!

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good!

Darkness

We stayed up north for an extra day.  I'm HAPPY to report we are HOME safe and sound.  More later...need to watch the Tigers game, nap, & unpack.

God is love!

Bright Light Fright

I'm a VERY (maybe a little bit overly) punctual person.  08:00 means 08:00.  We've known since Sunday night that we were leaving for up north at 08:00 today.  WHY can't people be ready?  That hour time gap Dad gave us was for people to finish getting ready and the putzing around the house that those people that aren't ready want to do.  ERRRRRRRRRR.  08:00 means 08:00!!!!!!!!

I *SO* wish I could be tenting it but Gpaw is to paranoid...so instead Jo & I will be sharing the floor in the very small bedroom.  So, this is the sleeping plan.  Favorite Aunt & Uncle get the BIG bedroom, (with the BIG bathroom) and the bed that normally is in my room is moved to that room for my little cousins.  Gpaw is sleeping in the recliner, Mom & Dad get the other bedroom, and Jo & I get the small room floor.  Good thing JJ & boys aren't going or Gma...and that Other Aunt, Uncle, & cousins are sleeping at their own place.  Then again, I like it better with more people when we can tent it and Favorite Uncle bring the RV and stuff.

Favorite Uncle & family aren't getting there until LATE tonight (say midnight), so Dad & I can still shoot today!  YAY!  Yay for guns and bows and all that good stuff!

God is love! 

Mama Kin

Operation Dehydration has been underway since about 20:00 last night.  I ended up just getting my stuff done and going to bed at 22:00.  Operation Dehydration is something I do so that I don't have to stop and pee a million times on any road trip.  Its only about 3.5 hour drive.  I should be okay.  We'll have to stop at least once cause of Mom & Buddie.

BTW...yesterday was Buddie's birthday.  She's 8!  Our puppy is getting OLD!  As much as I don't like animals, I couldn't imagine having a house without a dog.  (But dogs don't belong in apartments or purses, in my opinion)

I should get packing and get ready.  We need to be ready at 08:00 and are leaving at 09:00.  Don't ask what we are doing for an hour.

God is love!