Hot To Be Rocked

I'm frusterated! Someone that reads here, that talks to my parents on a daily basis (for the totally clueless...process of elimination...I'm talking about my little sister, Jo!) told my parents that I am looking to move out! Now, while that is a GREAT idea & I would LOVE to, its not financially possible right now for many reasons. Now, my parents are going to start making me pay room & board and all kinds of strange crap. They want to have a "talk" about me moving out. I don't need anymore stress dude! Like I said, the THOUGHT of moving out is in my head (has been since the day I moved back in!), but its UNREALISTIC.

Tomorrow shall be interesting. I am going to be taking over 100% responsiblity of Mom's medications. The transition period will be stressful. I'm more anal then my Dad, so we think it will work before for everyone (after the transition). Plus, I can be the biggest bitch in the world and not care, when she's whining for more pain pills or whatever.

Work SUCKED today. S-U-C-K-E-D! I have SO much to do. Yet, the phones we SLAMMED all day!!!!!! I would have worked over, but darn, no one would approve it. NMP. My work will get caught up, when it does.

My anxiety level has been VERY high since yesterday afternoon...and its not going down. I think I'm going to bed soon (with no dinner) because I just don't want to deal with my family right now. Sleep is the closest thing to a happy place I have lately while I'm in this house. :-( Red Wings Hockey is back on tonight! Yay!!!!!! To bad the game starts at 22:30! I got next Friday off work, so Jo & I (and maybe some others...hehehe ONU is on break) can go to a concert. Its cheap. Its a good Christian event. It shall be a blast! I'm trying to decide if I want to volunteer to work a huge youth rally coming to our area mid April. I should decide soon. I think I know the answer...I just don't want to know the answer or something. I'm strange, I know.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Hands On

Sleeping 4 hours of craptastic sleep before a long stressful day at work bites monkey nuts!

To say I'm stressed about work, home life, finances, and a few other odds and ends would be an understatement. I hate feeling like no matter what I do, there isn't enough time in the day.

Blah blah blah. I don't want to go to work! NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Dying Star

I managed to get in a good nap and 4 loads of laundry. Productive day if you ask me! Of course, I still have about 4 more loads of laundry to do.

I'm dreading work tomorrow...but I'll live to talk about it! Especially because I'm sure I'll have a TON of stuff to sort thru on my desk and can't work an extra minute to catch up...so whatever. Not my problem!

I've been feeling overwhelmed by life. I've got to get some things figured out within my head. God & I are working together, hard, on getting me back to a happier place on a more consistant basis. Mom realized tonight that I'm not happy here. I wanted to say "Hello Captain Obvious" but with Mom's health, her realizing that at all, is a good thing. Its not so much that I'm not happy HERE, its just that I'm not happy. Some things must change! I'm a happy person, I like to be HAPPY!

My Mom's family annoys me. I know deep down, they all have good hearts and mean well.

I wasted away 2 hours tonight watching the season finale of The Bachelor Paris! I love it when there is the outcome that I want! :-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Gone

I'm home. Took 5 hrs & 33 mins to get home with 4 stops. I was in no hurry to get home.

I had a great time (minus my slight melt down over God only knows what last night!). Just ate my lunch, and now I'm going to nap.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Lump

ST & I have NEVER agreed on TV viewing issues (with one exception...Red Wings Hockey!). Why would I expect that to change? He's cooking dinner/watching some (in my opinion, STUPID) movie. Yep, he's cooking dinner! Of course, I'll probably be stuck with the clean up...but that's okay. Another think ST & I have NEVER agreed on is temperature! Another thing that will never change. He keeps this place like the artic! Hell, last night I had an additional blanket, socks, long sleeve tshirt, tshirt, and fleece vest compared to ST...and I froze!

I was SO excited for Olympic Hockey. What a let down that was! Team USA and Team Canada both failed to make it to the medal round! Can't win them all! But I do have to say Congratulations to the Red Wings aka Team Sweden! I think its so cool that ALL 3 goals scored today by Team Sweden were members of my dearly beloved Detroit Red Wings! (Even if one of them was scored by Mr Overrated...#5, Nicklas Lidstrom) I REALLY want a Chelios USA Hockey jersey! Its only like $260. ANyone want to buy it for me? PLEASE!!

I wish I could be a guy, I wish I could shut off my emotions. I am a VERY emotional person. I wish those I'm close to couldn't see thru me and just know what is bugging me. I'm not in a bad place mentally right now, but not a great one either. Let me just say, I'm so happy I have my great ipod device!

Lots of edits later...ST did make us a great dinner & I did clean up the mess. Fair enough trade, I guess. ;-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Peaches

ST is watching a (stupid to me) movie...so I've got a little more time on this great device.

I am perfectly aware of why I keep my close group of friends and don't let many others in. There is way to much drama and gossip for me. Seriously, what works for you...works for YOU. Doesn't mean it will work for EVERYONE! There are 2 friends, I always feel the need to defend them, while they could defend themselves just fine, they don't even know others are whispering about them, because its all done behind their back. If they (general THEY, anyone in the world) are happy and they aren't hurting anyone, let them BE HAPPY!

Today is a special day. Its Red's birthday! He has reached the ripe old age of 22. I miss him so much. I can't wait for May! Cradle robber, I know. Happy 22nd Birthday Red!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

The Hardest Thing

I've been chilling in Cincinnati since about 20:40 Thursday night. I've been having a great time! I just love ST to pieces. He's someone I can laugh with, laugh at, cry over, cry on. I'll be heading back to MI early tomorrow morning. I'll be sad to leave him, but to much more time together and we'd start getting under each others skin.

I am proud of me. I stepped outside of my social phobic box and went to Church today. A Church where I know no one, all by myself! I enjoyed myself! Its a VERY large Church and it runs like a well oiled machine. I was very impressed. The idea is that in large Churches new people get lost in the shuffle. I didn't feel that way at all. I have lots of thoughts/ideas in my head about it...especially because our Church is moving/growing like crazy right now.

I'll fill in more details about my mini-vacation when I'm home, caught up on sleep, and have clean laundry! Until then, I'm going to pester the boy that I drove a million billion miles to see.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

The Dollar

I'm sure I'll get in trouble for posting right now. Blah blah blah.

I'm not feeling good right now, stress & not good food I think. Plus, I'm FREEZING!

I've been REALLY enjoying my time off so far. More on that later.

I hate jealously. I hate fake laughs. I love my friends. I love high speed internet!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Dream With Me

I'm editing this post for the 2nd time. I posted something about a good friend and I just feel a need to take it down. Its always been my policy, to the best of my ability to talk to my friends about our issues first, with them, verse posting here for others to read, and for them to find out about here. I'm pretty sure my friend and I will manage to clear the air within a day or 2...until then I'm just a little taken back. Ahhh...what doesn't kill me, makes me STRONGER! I'm stronger then I know, stronger then I give myself credit for!

So...my weekend plans are still in the air, but firmed up a little more than before.

I'm on the phone with my friend Lerch (from Cinci) right now. I feel bad for some of the shit she's going thru...been there, done that! Plus, lots of wrestling talk. Swoooon. I love wrestling. I love a girl that understands the sport of wrestling (better than I do!) and my love of wrestling.

Love stinks!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Tears Are Not Enough

I'm alive. Its still a daily battle...but at least, right now, I don't feel like I'm losing the war.

I have a 4 day weekend this weekend. I had LOTS of ideas of places I was going to go, things I was going to do, people I was going to see, etc. but nothing is working out the way I thought it would when I took the time off. Oh well, that's life. If nothing else, I'll get some major sleep!

My little sister prides herself on NOT being a girly girl (so do I!) and she's freaking out about some mice! WE LIVE ON A FARM! Mice happen! That's what cats are for...get over it.

American Idol is coming on any second (I love TiVo!), I'm trying to get into this season and so far...its just not happening. We shall see. Same thing with Survivor. Just don't mess with my Real World! :-) The new season starts next week. YAY! Reality TV whore, I know.

There is drama going on at work. DRAMA! I have the potential to get in a lot of trouble, but I don't think it will come to that. I hate HATE HATE two faced people. If I did something to upset you, TELL me! Seriously...until you talk to me and get MY side, don't say 2 words...especially to someone else. "Don't worry, what goes around comes around." Whatever dude. Yes, I'm still laughing. EVIL T.

T out!

Heartbeat Of The World

BLAH! I had one of theworst nights sleep I've had in a LONG time! It sucked in both quality and amount! SUCKED! Its days like today that I hate that 1) I care about my job/attendance now and 2) my employer actually pays attention to how much we are late/leave early/call in. To make matters worse regarding this situation, I tried going to sleep before 21:00 last night, cause I was SO tired...yet I didn't start getting my terrible sleep until well after 23:00.

I often get mad at my Mom for her pride issues. I often tell her if she wants help, I'm more than willing to HELP her, she just has to ask. I'm not going to stand over her and ask what/when she needs something. Yet, I find myself in a similiar situation and it sucks. I hate asking for help, yet I know people are willing to help. I hate feeling like the more I try to get ahead in the world, the further I fall behind.

I also hate that my dog after the food last night that was to be Jo's dinner & my lunch! :-( Stupid Buddie!

God won't give me more than I can handle! Faith & patients!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Rock The Hard Way

Besides being tired (which I ALWAYS am!), I'm doing pretty decent. Work was almost decent today. Morale is SO low there right now, so that sucks...but we weren't SUPER busy all day.

I don't have much of anything to say...so I guess its one of those times where I'll say nothing at all.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Odds Of Love

I hate when I break out, which is way to often. Yet, I can't just let my face break out...I must pick at each and every pimple a million times. Attractive.

I enjoyed myself at the wrestling "dual". Minnesota won by a lot. Jo's buddy that wrestles for MN won. One of the teachers from my high school was there...his son is a senior wrestler for MSU.

Overall, I've had a nice weekend. Of course, I didn't get no where near as much accomplished as I wanted to (songs and scrapbooking stuff especially)...but in the grand scheme of life...it doesn't matter.

Only a 4 day work week for me! YAY! I still don't have any real plans for my nice 4 day weekend...but I'm sure I'll come up with something. ;-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

One Better World

I had the absolute BEST time last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could tell you when I had THIS much fun on a night out! I'm glad I sucked up my blood boiling episode and still went to the concert!

Note: This isn't my type of music at all. For the GREAT majority I listen to Country & "Churchy" music. I like other music too...but don't go out of my way to hear it.

It started with The Unheard. I liked them! Their lead singer was very good. He'd be a lot better with shorter hair...but whatever. Following them was Dirty Americans. In my opinion, they weren't good at all. Nothing about them caught my attention! Then one of the members of Zug Izland did a short accustic set. Then came the group I went to see! Previously we were sitting towards the middle of the bar, but for the group we went to see I made a mad dash to the VERY VERY front! :-) The best decision I have made in a LONG time! Now, they weren't the greatest band in the world...but they were SO MUCH FUN! Plus, the lead singer is HOT! Actually the band was decent but the lead singer isn't the worldest greatest singer...and he knows it. Good thing he has a real job and does all this band gig work for charity. The band I went to see was Grinder featuring Darren McCarty (of the Flames, formerly the Detroit Red Wings!) as the lead singer.

The highlight of the night was shaking his hand. I'm still bouncing off walls about it! :-) Like I said, it was a SUPER night!!!!!!!!!!!! I enjoyed myself SO much! Of course, my ears are STILL ringing and I can't hear right...but that's okay! I touched Darren McCarty! :-) Ahhhh. I now have a fulfilled life. I have touched Tim McGraw AND Darren McCarty. WEEEEEE!

Now, I have to get cleaned up and out the door to MSU for a wrestling tourney! Go MSU! (Not that they have a shot against #1 ranked Minnesota)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Tough Girls Don't Cry

So, I spent about an hour scanning stuff from 5 different books regarding scrapbooking stuff...only to get done to realize it only scanned/saved the first THREE (out of probably 30) pages! Plus, the 3 looked like crap. So, I have to start over and what I'm going to do (I already tried 2 pages) is I'm going to copy the page, then scan it! ERRRRRRRRRR.

I love/hate Saturdays! I don't like that David's Friends is on Saturday afternoons at all! There is NO way for me to get anything done, go to David's Friends, the gym, nap, do my chores, and go out. AHHHHHHHHH. So far, I've gotten nothing done. I don't know what I'm doing yet. I think I'm going to nap, then maybe wake up and go to the gym. We shall see. Weeee...my brain is fun.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Empty Heart

I slept about 8.5 hours. YAY! Of course, my stupid internal clock woke me up at 06:25, but I fought it!

I've got lots I want to do on this computer today. I need to scan stuff from the scrapbooking books I got from the library. Plus, I need to rip about a million more songs for my ipod device. I forgot to tell ya'll...I'm in love...in love with my ipod device. Money well spent! :-D

I went to Coldstone Creamery for the first time on Thursday night. While, I will say it was VERY good. I got the Banana Spilt Decision. Next time, (yes I'm already planning ahead) if I get that same thing, I'd like less nuts and more fudge! After the trip to Coldstone, we ventured across the steet to the mall. I found not one but two handbags I need! I'm NOT a girly girl...why do I think I need these handbags?!?! They are just TO cute...and very Princess T! One is green with multi colored sequins and beads. Loud and that's ME! The other has a dalmatian on it, with rhinestones on its collar. Adorable. Tax return hurry UP! I don't remember how much the dalmatian one was, but the green one was less than $20. They better have it when I have the $...unless anyone else wants to buy them for me.

I don't know what is going on tonight. Right now, I still need to calm down. Friend has apologized, says they will still go. There is a Garth Brooks song that has a line something close to "When she gets mad, you best leave her alone...she'll rage just like a river and than beg you to forgive her." That's me.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Rebel Angel

I am the first one to admit, I haven't been super mentally stable lately. I cry at the drop of a hat. My mood swings have been terrible. I've been a bitch to everyone, for no reason at all. I'm doing the best I can to just live thru every day hoping and praying things within my head improve.

If blood could boil...mine is BOILING right now. I'm to mad to even cry...which for how I've been lately, shocks me!

There has been one friend, my go to friend, the one that has had my back physically & emotionally lately, that has been there for me more than anyone...and I'm SO frusterated with them right now! Frusterated is probably an understatement. I can't even begin to put a finger on all the feelings running in my head right now.

So, about that concert I thought I was going to tomorrow...this is from the friend I thought I was going WITH..."Seriously, if I did do or didn't something please let me know here. I'm at a loss I didn't know anything about the concert and now I feel like you're ragingly pissed at me about it"

Of course, I pointed out that the day I found out about the concert I bugged the friend 4 times about their work schedule, once I learned the schedule I TOLD them they had plans with ME, plus on the 13th of Feb, I forwarded them an email (which I know they at least, opened!) about the concert. Now, tell me you didn't know. blah blah blah. Of course, friend has apologized, blah blah blah. That's not my point right now. I don't know what my point is. I do know that if I were to do the same thing, I would never hear the end of it. I do know, now, I won't be seeing this band AGAIN. NOT HAPPY.

So, I was going to have a great fun weekend and maybe get out of my funk. Screw that gig.
God, please, let me hit the Mega Millions. I can handle 12 Million (cash option, after taxes, divided by 5 (me, Grace, Jess, Robert, & Blondie). Oh yeah...when we win, we are riding to Lansing in a Hummer Limo...and the group has no choice...cause that is what I want and I am the one that physically has the ticket.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Rock Candy

My jam packed weekend full of fun & excitement has been all jacked up. Tonight should have been a night of watching college wrestling, but that got jacked up...thanks Dad! Tomorrow should be a concert, a group that I've been wanting to see for like 5 years now...but the person I thought I was going with is just being a PITA. Sunday should be watching college wrestling (at MSU, Friday was at UofM)...which that at least, right now should, might, probably, hopefully will happen...but I'm not holding my breathe.

My mood swings and general bitchiness have been terrible still.

The highlight of my day today, was talking to ST for about half an hour. I don't know why it was such a highlight really...it was just a good, cool, easy converstation. Its days like this, when I talk to him and its not stained at all, that I'm reminded that I love him to pieces and how comfortable we are with each other. I could have talked to him for hours probably tonight...but I was hungry. ;-)

More when I'm not so tired and just blah...oh wait, that would be NEVER lately. ERRRR.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Gravity

I'm posting this from the library. I LOVE my library. It has to be one of the best libraries in all the world...seriously...EXCEPT it won't let me check my email from their computers. I can do tons of other stuff...but not check my email. I just don't get why one can't access email at the library...but what do I know. Of course, I already have 5 books checked out and I'll probably get more while I'm here. NERD! Saturday I'm going to finish the scrapbooking books and copy/scan the stuff I want to keep. So far, its 1 page out of 3 books. LOL.

I know I post about the things I don't like about myself often...but its just because I get frusterated with myself and hate that I don't know how to CHANGE. My jealousy (I can't get spell check to work and that doesn't look right...so OH WELL!) issues have been raging lately. Today, my issue of not getting my way, how and when I expect it is kicking my butt.

I'll be spending the night at Gma's house because we are getting an ice storm overnight, and 2 miles to work is much easier then 60.

Great! One of the windows I have open FROZE! Not cool. It won't let me open another window. Of course, library computer can't go to the task manager and there is no start button! What do I expect for FREE.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Fire In Your Flame

The needs that I was stressing about, worked out. YAY! At least...for now. I've got faith, that my needs will continue to work out, one way or another. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

I might be staying at my Gma's a couple days this week and next. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

I slept a grand total of 3 (three) hours last night. I'll be going to bed VERY soon. No Olypmics, No American Idol, NO adding more songs to my ipod, NOTHING. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

Happy Valentine's Day ya'll! ;-)

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Shine

So, right now my ipod has 10 songs on it...when I'm done with this post it will have about 50. All Christian songs from 3 CD's. Of course, as I get all my CD's fixed and organized, I won't have just Churchy music...but for now. :-) Of course, I emailed SML a list of songs he needs to download for me too! :-) This device is SO fun and I haven't even really figured it out. I have kept the help box opened all night and went back to it countless times...but so far, EVERYTHING I have figured out ON MY OWN! I just wish my ipod was waterproof! That would truly take the cake!

I've got to trust God, to provide for me needs. He will not let me down. I know he KNOWS what my NEEDS are. He knows my true NEEDS better then I do. I am strong, stronger then I get myself credit for sometimes.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

I'm Down

Very often people will leave newspapers & magazines in the break room at work, when they are done with them. Today, as I was eating my lunch, I was flipping thru Metro Times which I've read plenty of times before. Heck, they are free, almost always sitting in a pile by the door at my local coney island chain. Well, I have been entertained all DAY! The article is called "Still Shakin'" Who the hell gets the idea "Hey, lets collect antique vibrators"? I mean, can you see a guy wandering around a yard sale "Excuse me, do you have an vibrators for sale?" Where else do you get antique vibrators? Ebay...of course! At least, according to the article. Now, my question is...are they new (but antique) vibrators or used? LMAO!!!!!!!

I've got to stop by a funeral home viewing tomorrow. My Uncle's mother (he's only been married to my Aunt about 2.5 years) passed away. I've never met the lady, but my family things I should stop by. Joy.

Now, I'm off to start playing with my new toy! And I don't mean that kind...I mean my new Creative Zen Nano Plus (aka my ipod). WEEEEEEEEEE.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Heaven

While, I'm 100% aware I am not stable, I'm more stable than I was this morning & afternoon.

Thank you to my friend that grew concerned over my post, and called me, not knowing what else to do, just to pray with me, for me. You rock!

Thank you to my friend that was my partner in crime, taking care of some needed retail therapy. You rock!

I'm the proud new own of this, my Creative 1GB Zen Nano. I've wanted one for a while, felt that I NEEDED it since I joined the gym around the first of the year. At first I wanted an Ipod, but after LOTS of research, talking to others, etc...this is more what I needed. I didn't do a darn thing to the thing but take it out of the package. To tired, to spent emotionally to figure it out. It did take 3 pair of scissors (one of which broke!), a knife, and 15 minutes to get the thing out of the package. They claim it comes in like 10 colors but I got it in the blue that the link shows, because NO WHERE had any other color in stock! I also think its funny there was a note on the package that says that the State of CA thinks the paint gives you cancer, so make sure to wash your hands often. If that is what is going to kill me, the paint on my MP3 device...so be it!

I miss my friends. :-( LOTS!

I've got a busy week like always. I've got chores (we have a new system...we shall see), laundry, life, carting Mom & Gma around, fixing my new toy thru the week, then Friday I'm going to a Wrestling Tourney at UMich....I think.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

You're Beautiful

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 69%

Your job is a total bummer, and probably the worst job you've ever had. Your co-workers stink. Your boss is a jerk. And your company is probably in trouble. Think about finding a new job quickly, even if it's just a not-so-great transition job. You've got to get out of there as quickly as you can!

Should You Quit Your Job?

While, I agree with most of that...my co-workers don't stink! (And I'm not just saying that cause a handful of you read here!) My co-workers are the ONLY thing that has kept me from walking out the door lately.

Champion

My bi-polar issues, my depression is something that I have never hidden from this blog, so why start now.

Since the holiday season, my mental issues have been getting the best of me. I've pulled away from everyone/thing I know because I just don't have the ability to deal with the world. I hate work, when I am there I beg to be anywhere but there...I hate home, when I'm there I wish I was anywhere but here. Dealing with my family sucks the life out of me lately. My Dad's need to ALWAYS agree with my Mom for the sake of NOT rocking her boat, Jo's inability to control her anger, the way everyone always yells (me included lately!), Jo's inability to get a drivers license (and Dad's inability to MAKE her!), the stress of Mom's heath, etc. all have me just worn out.

I have 3 friends that know me well enough, that I trust, and am comfortable enough to be around lately, and they make me feel, at least, at that moment, like things will be okay. To bad, 2 of them live out of state.

I hate that I don't have the ability to pull myself together, to figure this out, snap out of it, do what I have to do for myself, to make it all better, and move on.

I could go on and on, but I won't.

David's Friends yesterday was okay, at best. Red's Oldest Sister was there, which was nice cause she rarely gets to go to events cause she always has the little kids!

God's going to figure this crap going on in my life out (hopefully SOON!), because I can't handle it!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Throw Your Hands Up

AHHHHHHHH. I guess Jo & I are going to David's Friends in about an hour. I just learned about 20 minutes ago, why I have put ZERO effort into Church activites lately. We (being our entire Church, building & body) are going thru LOTS of MAJOR changes. I don't deal well with change. ERRRRRRRRRRRRR. I've got to make it thru this next year or so of changes.

I'm sure my mental instability isn't helping at all. The roller coaster has been a way of life for me...but the VERY HIGH to VERY LOW on an hourly basis is starting to wear me very thin. I'm thinking that maybe I should see my doctor again...but then part of my head is like "dammit, I worked SO hard to be medication free." I don't know...we shall see.

There are 2 people at David's Friends that have a habit (for as long as I have known them) of tearing others down to build themself up. Recently, I have noticed other friends of mine doing the same thing. I'd like to think they don't realize they are doing it...but I don't know. Maybe I'm just being to sensative lately.

I've got to shower & maybe power nap for David's Friends. :-\ I wish Red was going to be there. I'm SO much more comfortable around him then I am anyone else in the group. He has the ability to deal with me when I want to punch everyone else!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

I Refuse

I was TIRED last night, like always! BUT...The Opening Ceremony to the XX Winter Olympic games was on! I was READY to pass out tired (like doing STUPID stuff tired) at 19:00, but the Ceremony started at 20:00.

So, I watched MOST of the Ceremony, passing out for good at about 23:20. Yes, I MISSED the lighting of the flame! :-( I'll get over it. I'm sure I'll catch it on a replay somewhere! My random thoughts and opinions.

~I love the countries that send like 1-4 people. They rock! I would LOVE for them to take a Gold Medal. Heck, I'd rather that 1 person from little country win gold over my USA Hockey team. SHHHHHHHHHHH. I still REALLLLLLLLY want the USA Hockey Team (with their GREAT AWESOME HOT (for a 44 year old) captain!) to win!!!!

~The Germans had great outfits. They were like neon green & orange! The Mongolians hats ROCKED! The Canadians and 1 other country, I can't remember had cool hats to. Elmer Hudd style. But they weren't as cool as my Elmer hat.

~I believe it was Australia, their flag carrier, some blonde chick...a skier (but not apline) was SMOKIN'! She was the hottest person I saw in the entire ceremony. HOT!

~It saddens me that the NHL didn't stop the season earlier so that my beloved Chris Chelios (in case you live in a hole...he's the captain of Team USA Men's Hockey), Kris Draper, Pavel Datsyuk, and all the other great Red Wings that are playing in the Olympics could have been in the opening ceremony.

~Go Team USA!!!!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

If This Is Love

Miracles do happen!

For some reason, my Mom brought the dress I wore to my HS graduation (under my gown) upstairs. Its the only time I wore the dress, cause I hate dresses. OMG! IT FIT!!!!!!!!! Nearly 9 years later, the thing fit! Of course, I don't think it fit like it used to (seems that my hips and shoulders got wider) but it fits. Jo managed to zip it with little problem! Mom says it looks good, I don't think that at all...but I'm in shock.

Another Miracle...Mom has cooked dinner 4 days in a row. I'm SO glad she's doing SO well.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Evil Game

The more you have in life, the more you want. I'm referring to sleep. Nothing more, nothing less.

I think I'm going to try and grab dinner with Shell tonight. I haven't seen her since NYE. We shall see.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Rock The Boat

Mom has been doing so well lately! The past 3 days in a row, she has cooked dinner with little help! I couldn't tell you the last time she did that! Probably a good year or so! Maybe the medication changes are working. I'm still in the real world that this good spell won't last forever, but I'll take it.

Good news from JJ. Tests yesterday & Ultrasound today went well, baby appears to be healthy and all that jazz. The word is that new baby will be another boy. I'd be lying to say I wasn't a little disappointed...but that doesn't change at all home much I love the baby and how much I can't wait for HIM to get here. Baby...even though I want you to get here NOW...please stay put for another couple of months! He has a name, but since I don't trust ultrasounds that much I'll leave him as Baby for now, plus knowing JJ, the name could change.

One of my radio stations is doing their radio-athon for Saint Jude's Childrens Research Hospital. The thing makes me SOB the entire time I listen to it. Then, someone called in a pledge in memory of Justin (they said his last name...so I know it was him). Talk about SOBBING!!!!!!!!!!!

Work SUCKED today. I got into slightly with Jess. Plus, there is other stuff going on that just pissed me off. I have to remember there are reasons for everything. I might not see or understand that reasons but yeah.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Power Line

I'm tired. I'm always tired. Lately my 5 hours of sleep haven't even been quality, not even close. 2 nights recently I've had to drug myself to sleep, those nights were better than most...but still I hate drugging myself to sleep.

Today is another day where I should see my bed at about midnight to wake up at 05:00. Joy. Somethings gotta give.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Night Riders

I'm just listening to the 3rd period of the Wings game. We are winning 4-0 plus I channel jumped the entire 2nd period to watch American Idol. Hopefully by just listening the the end of the game, I'll get to bed by 22:30 or so.

My family (especially my parents and my dad's parents) are on my LAST FREAKING nerve regarding ST. I know everyone in my family thinks ST is great. We are just friends. I don't see that changing...if it does, don't ya'll worry...I will tell you!!!!!! Seriously. Its getting old fast. Every time I talk to him or see him everyone is running their mouths!

I had a nightmare of sorts last night. In my dream someone in my family passed away. Well, ST & SML, my 2 best buds, my go to guys, my rocks...neither one of them came to the viewing or the funeral. The reason neither of them came was because they didn't want to deal with the other one!

I did make it to the gym today, after not having went since LAST Wednesday. Blah. A week off and I felt it!

I know I have VERY alternative fews on lots of things. I need to remember that what works for me (or what I think will work for me, in the future) does NOT work for everyone else. I just wish others would be educated before assuming they are RIGHT. There is a difference between fact and opinions! And...my opinion is MY opinion (just cause I think I'm always right is besides the point) ;-) Tomorrow is JJ's ultrasound. We should know (as much as one can trust an ultrasound) if its a boy or girl tomorrow. Think PINK! Pray healthy!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

This Gift

I have what I thought was a nasty pimple (Mom is calling it a water blister) on the INSIDE of my nose. It hurts, VERY bad. I tried to pop it tonight (even tried with a needle) and got no where. NASTY!!!!!

In my last post (the one where I copied and pasted things I wrote when blogger was down) I mention missing ST. I wish I could explain how I miss him. Its not the "I miss him, my life is over." I miss his company, I enjoy spending time with him so much. The past 3 times I've seen him (over a 4 month span), I've missed him every time we have had to part ways. Missing him differently each time, but missing him in better healthier ways. ;-) I'm glad I make sense to myself.

I didn't go to the gym today. FAT LAZY BUTT! I also drank WAY to much soda at home...we are OUT of water! I swear, I've got to get back on track before I balloon back to where I was the start of last summer! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I feel fat, my face is broke out, and just blah.

I've been SO anxiety ridden. Its kicking my butt. My brain is in manic mode, which to me is better then being depressed...but I need stabilization. It will all be okay soon enough. In the grand scheme of life, very little matters!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Dizzy

So last night & this morning blogger was down...

****Written 02/07/06 at 05:20

I'm ready to jump thru this computer and punch Blogger! It was to be down from 22:00-23:00 last night...yeah, its still DOWN! So I email myself and again I'll C/P it later. ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was awake well (like an hour!) before my alarm. I'm SO aniexty ridden. I feel like shit. I've got to find my center again and QUICK! Very quick.Our schools are closed again, so I should hurry up and get on the (messy!) roads!

****Written 02/06/06 23:20

I should be going to bed, but I thought of a few more things I need to post...but WAIIIITTT. Blogger is down. So here I am, emailing myself to C/P it to blogger later.

My face is SO broke out lately, and since I've bitten my nails down to nothing, I can effectively pick at my million pimples. I know that only makes my face look worse...but yeah.

Something I forget, or didn't realize or whatever...until I talked with ST tonight. I miss him already! I enjoy his company so much, the comfort level, the fun, etc. I miss him.

The Bachelor comes on Monday nights at 22:00. Yes, I waste an hour a week on such silly TV. Well, tonight at about 21:15 I went downstairs and was just putzing around. 22:00 I put on The Bachelor. DOH!!!!! It was a 2 hour show tonight, starting at 21:00. I missed an hour! Not happy.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Emotional Rain

I didn't post for a few days...so I'm making up for lost time. My brain is just going a million miles a minute. Nothing bad, nothing GREAT...just life. I'm doing laundry, trying to take care of stuff that didn't get done over the weekend, and take care of myself too.

In the past 20 hours, I've had more anxiety attacks then I've had in the past month for sure. My brain is on overload and just won't chill out. I've got faith that by this time tomorrow, I'll be doing better.

I've got to work on developing a plan to get me to where I want to be in life. Living at home forever, while it has its advantages...has its disadvantages also. Blah blah blah. I think I need to move to say...Nebraska. WEEEEEEEEE. My brain is weird...just like ME.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Had Enough

Happy 8th Birthday TOY!!!!!

I can't believe he's 8 years old today. Seems like just last year we were celebrating his 1st birthday. To think, in about 5 months he won't be the BABY anymore!

Onto other news...

Mom & Dad are home. Mom got released from the hospital late yesterday, got home just in time for Dad to watch the Super Bowl! Hopefully with the new changes Mom is facing, things will start improving as much as they can there. One day, I'll go into depth...one day.

The part that I wrote while in Cinci, ST read the bottom few paragraphs. I didn't care cause I know he reads here...but yet, as he read it (outloud with me right there) it was different, like knots in my stomach.

Last night/this morning things didn't go as planned AT ALL, but I'll live to talk about it.

I never talked with ST about the stuff I felt like I needed to talk with him about, and I'm really okay with that. In the grand scheme of life, it's not that important, heck I don't even know what I felt like was SO important yesterday. He was so sweet when he climbed into bed (I swear his queen sized bed is a TON bigger then MINE! I can barely sleep in my bed, yet there was PLENTY of room for both of us in his bed!) he held me and was just SO sweet, all without me asking to be held or anything. I have to realize we aren't the same people we were when we first met back in 1998, or even yesterday. ST has his own way of showing me he cares and its much different than before...but that's okay. Of course, the way he cares is different than before too. I stick with my word, whatever girl snags him is a lucky lucky chick.

At some point Saturday I had a breakdown (nothing terrible, but bad enough) about being a girl. While I can shut off emotionals pretty well, memories I can't. I have SO many great happy memories of ST, with ST. Everytime I got slightly girly, it was all fixed with a hug. He's the best! Okay...he's the best in OH. ;-)

Overall, it was a GREAT weekend. One of the things I went down there expecting, definitly didn't pan out there way I thought it would...but that definitly isn't ST's fault...not mine really either...just life. ST, thank you for a super weekend, being a terrific friend, always being YOU, your ability to deal with me & I love you.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Hold Out

So...this post was originally handwritten Sunday 02/05/06 between about 10:45-14:15. I'm going to keep it in its purest form and I'll add more at the end or another entry.

************
So, I start this the old fashion pen & paper way from Cincinnati & I'll (hopefully/maybe) transfer it later. Obviously if you are reading it, I transferred it.

Mom is still in the hospital. No clue when she'll home, maybe tomorrow but they originally said on Thursday that she would be on yesterday. I have myself so shut off, so numb to Mom issues right now. I guess its my survival tactic, if you will.

As I said, I'm writing this from Cinci, from ST's kitchen talbe more specifically. He's still sleeping. Yes, Detroit is having the biggest party of my life and I take off 5 hours south.

My converstations with ST had been very hit or miss lately. Well, Thursday evening, after Dave's viewing, I talked to him a lot. He told me he'd be home and free for me to come visit this weekend. I hemmed & hawwed, not really giving him an answer. I didn't have a reason to stay in MI but I didn't have a reason to come down either, except maybe the change of pace, the escape I've been needing mentally. Really, where better for me to go (that I can afford, cause I am sure Ireland or Hawaii would be nicer!) where I am with the person that understands me best in the world by far. So, at about 20:00 Thursday night I was like "I'll probably come down but nothing for sure yet." I was leaning towards going down, but I still had to bounce the idea off my Dad.

Well, fast forward about 4 hours, about midnight now & SML wants to start a fight or whatever (the closest thing to fighting we do, cause really we don't fight...I'm just always right. ;-) ) regarding ST. I KNOW ST & SML will never get along. SML was on a ST-bashing rampage, which in my head, just makes ST stock go up. I'm going to Cinci for sure. So, Friday morning I call my Dad at work, while I'm at work. Get the latest scoop on Mom (mind you, she can't really have vistors and she is 1.5-2 hours from home) and then ask Dad if he cares if I go to Cinci. Dad's words floored me. "Go sweetie, maybe it will clear your head, your stress, depression & anxiety that has had us concerned. Have fun, be careful, & safe. Call me when you get there." WOW. My Dad is so odd lately. That's not the reaction I was expecting but it works. So, the rest of Friday, I'm SO giddy to get out of work & LEAVE. Time was moving backwards. Blondie deserves a big gold friendship star for Friday. To deal with my giddiness and for getting excited and happy for me...she rules.

Thankfully, I live out of my car for the majority. I had enough stuff with me that I didn't really need to go home, I left straight from work for the long drive! Normally ST makes it in 4-5 hours with 1 stop with minimal traffic. So I braced myself for 5 hours for sure. Traffic wasn't bad at all (leaving at 16:00 I thought for sure it would be hll) I only stopped 1 time (yes ONE!). Miracle, I know. I made it from my work to ST's place in 4 hours and 32 minutes.

So, I get here, look around his place, its nice. Its much larger than he made it sound (maybe because Ann got him to decludder when they were living together. Another miracle! Good job Ann!) Its a very homey feeling place, not like most 1 bedroom apts for sure. We talk and chill for a litte bit. I'm hungry, he's hungry. We take off to grab some grub & drinks. Buffalo Wild Wings! YAY! I love their food! We get drinks and order our food. The food took for freaking EVER to come out. 2 Smirnoff Ice before my food came out and I was damn near under the table. We ate, drank, and talked for a long while, lots about work, a little about everything else. Got back here and just hung out and watched some TV. It was after 01:00 when I crashed. During my sleep, I had a dream about my friend's husband dying. NOT COOL!

Of course, I was awake for good before 09:00. Sleeping beauty slept and slept. I was getting bored & crabby. Finally at like 13:00 ST rolled out of bed. I forgot he doesn't wake up well & kept thinking something was wrong or he was mad at me or something for like an hour. Wahooooo! NBC has a national broadcast of the Wings/Avs game at 14:00. Watch the game, then do some shopping. YAY! ST is mean though :-) He wouldn't let me go in DSW! Jerk! Its not after 18:30, if we go grocery shopping and cook we won't eat until about 21:00. I'm getting crabby cause I haven't eaten in a long time, didn't get my nap, and am a girl. We decide to just go out to eat. Nice Mom & Pop gig. It was cool.

Then what to do, on a Saturday night in a city we know nothing about and know VERY few people. I call up my friend from HS, Lerch. YAY!! She's free to hang out!

So I stopped writing for a while & went and jumped in bed wit the cutest, sweetest, nicest, snottiest, meanest, biggest smart aleck in all of OH. I just wanted to lay there and watch him sleep, that latest about 15 minutes and then I was catnapping. During my cat nap, I had a dream about Strawberry milk receipes. I don't even LIKE strawberry milk!

Now, back to last night (while I wait for Sleeping Beauty to wake up and stop being a crabby morning person...even though its well past morning!)...ST & I drive to Lerch's house. Pick her up & head to KY. I'm SO excited to be in KY. Really, from Lerch's house to were we hung out in KY might have been 10 minutes (from ST's to Lerch's was maybe 15 minutes). The place we hung out at was really cool. If (when) I come down in warmer weather with more time, I could see us haing out there more. We ended up just chilling at GameWorks, drinking, talking, catching up. ST was such a great sport. While he knows Lerch (hell, he even went on a date with her one time!), Lerch & I know each other better and go WAY back. It was SO nice! She understands and respects ST & I the way we are, the way I wish others did. I also got to vent, explain & get some answers (not alot, but more then ever before) regarding Ann. I feel a lot better now that ST udnerstands my issues aren't personal attacks on Ann, my issures are within my head regarding ST having a serious relationship with anyone other than me.

Things I don't like about ST's apartment...the kitchen table doesn't have good lighting (he hasn't found anything he likes yet), there is no lock on the bathroom door, there is no fan/vent in the (window-less) bathroom, and the toilet is the kind where you have to hold down the handle until it flushes.

Yes, I'm boucing all around for a reason, avoiding in depth emotional stuff, like I do all the time latlely. ST is such a combination of sweetheart & butthead. He's laying on the couch, I leaned over and kissed him on his forehead & he grabbed me, I start to jump/pull back cause I was going to get flicked, tickles, or just messed with. He was like "I was being nice, I was going to hug you." ;-)

Part of me feels like he's trying to kick me out, yet I know he's doing it for my physical & mental safety. I thought about watching the Super Bowl here, sleeping like 4 hours and driving straight to work, but he's vetoing that idea cause I don't function well tired. I feel like I have so much to say, so much I just need to lay on the table with him, yet I feel myself holding it in. Why make things worse on myself. Okay, I'm going to shower & regain myself.

***************

That's the end of what I wrote Sunday morning/early afternoon. More shortly...

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Old School

I'm alive. Life has been very interesting since Thursday night. Lots of things didn't go as planned or hoped...but some things went better than I ever could have imagined!

I did some old fashion pen & paper journally over the weekend, since I couldn't easily access a computer. I'm going to move that to here...then I'll add more. LOTS more, if time permits.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Some Girls Do

Sigh. I feel the need to post, yet a big ole' sigh is all that I can muster. I'm a whiner...I know. This 4-5 hours of sleep a night, nearly every night, just doesn't work for me. Somethings got to change and I just haven't figured out WHAT yet.

Busy day today...don't know if I'm coming home or not yet.

Remember, God is faithful.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Strange Alice

My cat, Bad, is upstairs! ERRRRRRR. She's in my room. Bigger ERRRRRRRRR! She's under my bed, I'm never going to get her out!

In my important news, I'm taking Dave's death hard. Blondie & I have it figured out so we can go to the viewing together tomorrow. Yesterday, at work, I just kept hoping it was some terrible rumor, but when he wasn't online at all yesterday, I knew something was up...then the death notice was online this morning and plastered all over our building today. I just deleted Dave's SN from my buddy list, and his email from my address book. How sad. In my head, right now, I could make more sense out of it, if a 26 year old (but I SWEAR he's like 6 months younger than me, not older...but whatever) dies in a car accident, after a battle with a long illness like cancer, or ever something horrific like murder or suicide...but a 26 year old dying of a massive heart attack. That's just flat out SCARY. I'm also getting annoyed with all the whispers going around the building. I'm probably one out of 5-10 people (out of about 500) that talked to Dave out side of work. Don't assume things, don't act like you were his best bud, when he probably didn't know your name. I know we all grieve in different ways. :-(

Mom is driving my batty. She goes into U of M's hospital tomorrow for 3-5 days for some testing. She's stressed...very stressed about it. Of course, her parents want info...so they call ME, not my Dad. ME! Of course, I'm not calling them back, cause I don't need any additional stress.

I have this terrible gut feeling right now, about what, I don't know. Last time, I knew what was bugging me for the majority and I just didn't want to talk about it, this time...just BLAH! I've got to have some faith and right now...its just a challenge.

In other not important news...my hair dryer died this morning. I was drying my hair (about 5 seconds into it) and it made a funny noise and died. So, I had to go to work with sopping wet frizzy hair. Cute.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!