I just want to shake my Mom and be like DUH. Its hard to deal with my Mom like a "real" person because of her health. Her short term memory is basically non-existant.

Today, Mom was on the phone with Gma. Gets off the phone and is crying that Gma never listen. That is VERY true but she KNOWS that, Gma has been that way for at least 29 years.

But with the issues I have lately with my parents, I just want to be like "HELLO" you have problems with your mom, I have problems with mine. But I can't. I have to bite the bullet, smile, and pretend everything is roses. I'm not doing good at that lately.

I just want to stay in my bedroom and cry, but yeah...my parents won't let me. Or they let me, and then bitch non-stop about it later.

God is love.

I know I am in a depressed funk, I wish people would leave me alone, especially my family. They are clueless about how much worse they make things when I'm like this.

I am sick of feeling like whatever I do for my parents, ESPECIALLY my Dad will NEVER be good enough

I am sick of my Mom going nuts about missing Jo. Mom is on my case all the time about Jo did this, Jo did that, Jo took me here, etc. Kiss my ass, I'm NOT Jo. I don't want to be Jo, I don't want to be LIKE Jo.

Physically, I've been in pain lately. I just want it to end. That's all. My physical and mental pain, to end.

God is love.

People annoy me. Its like nail on a chalkboard when most people talk. Mom was just on the phone w/ Gma and I just wanted to punch them both. Not what they were talking about, just the noise.

God is love.

A man from Church came over today to pick something up. He stayed for about an hour, talking with Mom and I...then Dad. Its so nice to have people over.

I am still not feeling 100%. I turned the corner on the GI issues but was still dealing with the exhaustion then I got hit with a cold. Turned the corner with the cold but was still dealing with the exhaustion then the GI issues started up again. I feel okay at the moment, weak with a snotty nose but okay.

I've got a few choices to make very quickly that I'm praying about. I'm torn.

God is love.

I'm sad that I'm sitting home on a Friday night. Its probably for the best since I am just starting to feel better and am still very weak.

I'm sad that one of my dearest and most trusted friends hurt me very bad yesterday. I don't know how the situation can be repaired.

I wish everyone, myself included, would remember that until you walk a mile in someones shoes, do NOT judge them. I wish everyone, myself included, would remember that unless you know the whole story...just shut up.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

I suck at blogging lately. Oh well.

So, currently I'm feeling better than I was at 05:00 but not that much better. This is, by far, the sickest I've been since June! All related to the GI issues I have. I'm heavily drugged right now and praying to avoid the hospital. At 05:00, if my hospital wasn't an hour away, I would have been there!

This started on Saturday afternoon, just wasn't feeling good...but was trying to forge ahead. Sunday, Dad and I had an adventure planned. One of our 2 favorite adventures of the year. Couldn't miss it. Probably should have but just couldn't. Well, Monday I was feeling blah. Tired and not right. Then Tuesday came and I knew I was in TROUBLE. So...at about 2pm, I got major loads of drugs, which I KNOW are going to make me sick before they make me better. Its the way of the disease.

**interruption... I was feeling better. I keep having to stop typing to deal w/ this illness.**

So yeah...Tuesday, 2pm, take drugs. Nap from 3pm-6:30pm. Dad and I drive to the rental car place so I can bring the truck home (his everyday car, the new car, died and won't be fixed until at least friday!). Lay on the couch from 7pm-11pm watching the hockey game and other things. On the couch, with the heating pad, tossing from side to side, whining, etc. Come upstairs and sleep from about 2am-5am. Wake up due to pain (and the LOUD winds!) at 5am. Spend 5am-8am in terrible pain, in and out of the bathroom, taking baths, doing anything to easy the pain. Nap from 8am-11am, repeat the terrible pain, bathroom stuff, and then the migraine starts! I KNOW this is coming but it sucks bad. Terrible GI pain with a level 10 migraine. Just shoot me. I become this crazy person and my head is like spinning and I'm mean and stuff. Rest/catnap/do nothing until about 3pm. I did manage to eat a small amount of sherbert and some left over scallop potatoes in there. 3pm, come back to my bedroom and nap until 9:30pm. I've been awake since then, doing nothing but laying around though. I ate some more scallop potatoes and a bowl of oatmeal. Thankfully when I woke up at 9:30pm the migraine was down to a mild headache.

I wish people would understand that I can't do anything when like this. I can be on my laptop because I am laying in my bed. I can't really sit up right now, walk, stand, etc. My energy level is at zero. My strength level is at zero.

This shall pass.

God is love.

I'm sad. No other word for the emotions I'm going through. A tad lonely too...but just sad.

Today is ST's 28th birthday. I sent him a text message and posted a comment on his myspace wishing him a happy birthday but don't expect to hear from him anytime soon. Just makes me sad.

Add in that today is birthday of my friend's twins. One of the twins died of SIDS at about 2 months old. Just makes me sad to celebrate their birthday without one of them.

To make matters worse today, a friend got diagnosed with cancer today. Makes me sad. Thankfully its stage 1 and things should be fine, but it still sucks!

I just want to curl up in my friend's arms and cry, but that won't be happening soon enough. I'm sad.

Went to Church tonight, we reminded how I feel like an outsider again. Makes me sad.

I serve an awesome God and this shall pass.

God is love.

I'm having an emotional day, an "I miss ST" emotional day. On and off lately, I miss the great friendships I had in ST & SML. Lately...ST hasn't been far from my mind. Tonight, for some reason tonight while watching "The Bachelor", I don't know why, but it set me off. I can say, without a doubt, I am 100% okay (and probably glad) that our relationship didn't work out, that we didn't get married. But right now, that our friendship basically doesn't exist any longer makes me SAD. I feel like I'm going through the painful break up again or something.

God is love.