Nothing About Love Makes Sense

Before I forget, 2 really funny things got said this weekend.

Girlfriend says "Hold on, wait guys, I have to fix my boobage."

Apparently boobage is the new term for cleavage.

Now even 2 minutes later...

Girlfriend2 says "Oh my, my balls are really hurting."

She was referring to the balls of her feet but anyone walking by wouldn't have known that!

Work was a ZOO today! I'm dreading Wednesday SO badly! Grace will be off & Jess is only work 1/2 a day. Jess has the afternoon off, when its been crazy. Great! I put in for 2 vacation days today, they are 2 months away, but I'm excited! No plans, just like the idea of a 4 day weekend.

I thought I was going to be able to pay for my gym membership this weekend, but Dad decided nearly a year later that we are turning my car into the insurance company so I have to pull $500 out of my butt! I can't wait to be rid of that damn car. I know I will never own/lease another black automobile again. Its the W family jinx!

My plan for the rest of the work week...8.5 hours tomorrow, 10 hours on Wednesday, 7 hours Thursday & Friday. Joy o joy!

Tomorrow is laundry day. Joy o joy again! What an exciting life I lead.

Peace, love, and weak bladders to all.

Mockingbird

I'm alive. Tired, busy, and alive!

30 seconds or less about my weekend.

Friday, Dinner & shopping with Shell. Fun stuff.

Saturday, shopping with Jo. Jo lived to talk about it. Bar hopping with Shell & Cris. Some of our other friends were at the 1st bar. I actually got my white girl groove on all while not drunk. I love love love the new bar!!!!!

Spent the night at JJ's. Wrestling today. TOY was 0-2. JM took 2nd place. TOY has now gotten into JM's old pattern of crying after losing.

Had lunch with SML. 1st time I saw him since November. Its so nice to spend time with him every now & then. Especially nice to see him today after I went crazy at him last night over the phone.

Bowled tonight. We made up with another team. It was one of the teams that we know out side of bowling, so it was cool. Much cooler then if it would have been just my team. Plus my team took 5 points. Wahooo! Go Team.

Came home to a sleeping Dad & Jo. Mom was laying down but appeared to know what was going on. Yay!

All in all, a great weekend! Back to the grind stone in just a few hours.

T out.

Only The Good Die Young

Don't have time to type much.

I need a power nap before bar hopping tonight. Wish me luck. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone & hanging out with people I don't know really. Friends of friends type gig.

I'm the best bargain shopper out there! In the past 2 days, I've been to 2 malls & spent LESS then $29 out of my own pocket! I now have a kick ass pair of Nike's, 1 new bar top, and 1 new pair of jeans. Go me! The $33 in JC Penney gift cards helped too! My new bar top isn't super barish, but just cute. Its pink! Girly girl color. Gag.

Peace, love, and country music to all.

Nothing About Love Makes Sense

Lots happening here...nothing with much substance.

I just slept for 13 hours! Yippeeeeeeeeeee! I'm home alone right now! Yippppppeeeeee!

Work was okay on Friday. Grace wasn't in, I only worked 8 hours, and I left with my & Grace's desks basically cleared off. I spent about an hour making a packet about special papers for the 2 new printer girls we have. I lost sleep about some of the stuff the night before and I wasn't going to let it happen again. Jess was really impressed with the packet. She asked for 4 copies (Phil, her, Grace, and a master copy). Wahoo! I did a good job! Phil wasn't in our office at all on Friday. Darn. He might be easy on the eyes, but he's been a PITA to deal with lately...especially to Grace & Jess.

After work I called home to let them know I wasn't coming home right away. Jo answers, I ask for Mom. Mom doesn't want to talk to me. I hear Mom in the background just whaling/screaming. I snap at Jo, "What's wrong?" Jo tells me Mom is just flipping out, mad at Dad, wants to leave, etc. Dad gets on the phone. I tell Dad that I'm not coming home, but what's wrong. He says he'll tell me later! ERRRRRRRRR. Something is wrong with my Mom. I need to know NOW. He does his best to assure me that everything is under control as best as can be and go out and enjoy myself. The entire drive from work to Shell's house (about 12 miles), I stressed about what to do...go out, go home. I called SML to get his opinion (and probably do opposite of what he says) but of course, the dork was working and couldn't answer. I get to Shell's. We chill in the kitchen chit chatting with her parents for awhile. Shell's mom is the coolest! She's been one of my favorite parents since the day I met her. (Her & Bean's parents just rock!!!) My Dad calls again to ask me about dinner. Duh, I'm not coming home. I mention what is going on at home and Shell's mom made some good points about why I don't need to rush home.

Going shopping with Jo...more later.

Weed For Willy

Work was a mad house again. Phil even sat down and took phone calls for awhile today. At one point, he said "Well, you aren't backed up anymore, I'm going back to my office." Jess told him the phones weren't backed up, wait 3 minutes. I then said "Hey, Phil, I've got tons of paper you could help out with." Surprisingly, he grabbed some. I got great joy out of deligating to my boss' boss! Grace had to leave work early today. She got a call at work to get to the hospital ASAP, her MIL was most likely going to pass away this evening. So, I worked an extra 1.5 hours, to help her out. Chances are (as long as I'm feeling okay) that I'll have to put in 10 hour days tomorrow and Monday, because Grace most likely won't be back to work until Wednesday, or so we are guessing.

One of the guys I work with (there are 5 guys in my dept of 66) had me cracking up today. He's normally a feel joker, but today was just to funny, and the timing was great because I was about to pull my hair out. 2 of the guys asked Jess & I if we cared if they did Squares for the Super Bowl. We don't care, there are other departments doing them. Heck, Phil even asked me if I knew anyone that had any left in our building. (Phil doesn't want his name on the ones that the "other" more important building is doing) So then, guy asks me if I was going to buy any. Of course I said yeah. He then says "Do you even know what they are?" Duh. Yes guy. I then was like "If you can't tell, haven't learned by now, I'm not very girly." He starts laughing. Then I said "Girly girls just rub me the wrong way." He then says "And what way do non-girly girls rub you?" And I just about died laughing.

One of my Dad's bosses (Steve, he's 42) just found out he has prostate cancer. Now, we are all on my (49 year old) Dad's butt to get a phsyical. I'm not holding my breathe.

Gma is home until Monday morning, I think. I was going to try to go to the bar with my friends on Saturday, stay at Gma's, go to wrestling on Sunday, then bowlings, stay at Gma's again, and then go to work Monday AM. I just don't think that's a good idea. 1) I need REST 2) I need time away from Gma.

Pieces of Me

Joy oh joy. Everyone at work was very edgy today. Great! Grace especially, was just stressed and not herself! Thankfully we weren't as busy as the past few days. We think Jess might have finally gotten through to Phil, that 1) we need more people 2) we need the terminals to cooperate 3) its not fair that one out of four departments is responsible for ALL the "busy" work. In the past month our calls have DOUBLE, our paper requests have quadrupled and we have grown from a department of 63 to 66. Plus, people are gone training all the time. Somethings gotta give. I did get all my stuff done and let at 3pm. Of course, there was tons more that I could have done, but my stuff was done.

I'm annoyed in more ways then one. I didn't go to Church again tonight. Revivial is over and I didn't go at all. More on that another day.

I think I'm learning part of the reason I've been such a gem to deal with lately. I'm sleeping for crap. I have a sinus innfection/drainage in the troat & ears kicking. Plus, my iron level is very low. Toss a high liver emzyme level on top. I'm just praying to make it thru the work week. Even if I only put in 6 hours the next 2 days. Just gotta go. Then, some sleep and sleep and sleep along with lots of vitamins, eating well, and some good ole' fashion drugs.

I missed American Idol tonight, I think. I slept from 5pm until 9:30pm. Good thing I was up to watch Nick & Jessica AND the Ashlee Simpson Show. Now, I'm off to read about Monday's episode of The Bachorlette, that I missed. I'm way into way to many TV shows right now! NERD!

Peace, love, and long naps to all.

Bye Bye

I hate when I can't sleep! My lovely body thought it was nap time, now with 4 hours of sleep I'm awake. I could have woken up because my stomach & left ear aren't feeling grand. Just another thing to make me ERRRRRRR.

I'm in the same mood as earlier. I just want to hide from myself.

I'm finding out lately that most of the movies I enjoyed just a few months ago, I'm really starting to dislike. Same goes for TV shows. Unless isn't something real, I just can't handle it. American Wedding used to be a great movie, but now, I just can't handle all the unreal things in it. I mean, the dog eating the wedding ring and the guy chasing them around waiting for them to shit. Yeah, okay. Or, pubic hair blowing onto the wedding cake. Give me a break. I used to love the TV show 7th Heaven. Now, seriously how many random kids (not counting their own 7 kids) can one family take in, all on a Pastor's salary. Lucy has her baby in this week's episode. I'm dreading it. I have a very realistic view of child birth and I hate hate hate how it is always portrayed on TV. Maybe this is why I don't watch much TV.

Yes, I'm the one that can't read fiction books.

Yesterday (now, by a few hours) was P & Bean's birthday. I emailed P a card. How nice of me. Didn't hear anything back and she was online. Bean was my childhood best friend. From the time we were 4 & 5 until we were 18 & 19, we were the best of friends! Then Jan. of 1998, there was a huge blow out. We didn't talk AT ALL for 2.5 years. Since then, we have seen each other 5 times (our housewarming party, her wedding shower & wedding, her Grandpa's funeral, and Jo's graduation party). We exchange holiday cards, always say we should get together, etc. Its just not the same, I know it will never be the same. I miss having her in my life so much! So, I took a HUGE step and called to wish her a happy birthday! Of course, since there is this huge ackwardness, I called from working knowing she would be at work. I did leave her a message with my #, so now its on her for awhile. I've poured my heart into trying to be friends with her and it just doesn't seem to be that important to her. Maybe someday.

When I was on my way home from work today, I was trying to remember how Bean got her name. She's been Bean forever. Everyone knows who I'm talking about when I say Bean. I got home, look at Jo's dry earse board. She wrote "Happy B-Day P & Beana!" Duh! That's it. Selena-Beana, turned into just Bean!

Peace, love, and restless nights to all.

Goodbye Earl

T, short on patients and edgy?! Who'd a thunk it?

I cooked dinner today. A huge ole' spread. I was starting to clean up the kitchen and Gma got on my nerves. I'm hiding until Dad & Jo get home.

The Real World/Road Rules Challenge finale was stupid yesterday. The final mission was much easier then all the other challenges!

My friends are planning a trip to Vegas. I'm sad about it for many reasons. I love love love Vegas. I'd go in a heartbeat. I could probably swing the money and time off work, but I'm trying to be "responisble" plus it seems to be a couple thing, and while I was invited, I just don't want to do Vegas as the 5th wheel. I hate being single. My social circle has always been great about not making the single people feel like extras, but a vaction, that's just different then the bar, dinner, movies, playing cards, bowling, etc.

I have a lot of love/hate relationships lately...
==Being Single
==My family
==My Gma staying with us
==My work

T out.

Real Good Man

Nothing of substance to post...

Tonight is the season finale of one of my TV programs, one of the very few I watch faithfully. Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I don't think the girls have a chance in hell at winning. Wonder what will be on MTV's Monday night 10 spot next week?

I had a slight melt down today at my family. It was basically a miscommunication, with a tired/just woke up T, that was also hungry. I purposely left work on time today, so I could come home, take a nap, go to church, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. When I got home from work I was SO exhausted (and I'm betting my iron was dead too, but that's another story) that I talked with my parents and gma for a few minutes. I went to nap. I had my alarm set for 6:30 so that we could leave at 6:40. At 6:15 (I'm stone cold OUT!) Dad comes in bugging me about dinner and salads and stuff. Alarm goes off, I get up slowly. Jo is just out of the shower with sopping wet hair. Mom told her I wasn't doing well, that we weren't going to Church. Now, I would have napped longer if I wasn't going to Church or I would have worked longer or something. I was just annoyed, very annoyed. Hopefully some day, I'll be able to attend special events at that Church alone. Not yet, I think (not that I have done it yet) Sunday mornings is all I could do alone. I can blend in with 100 people but not 30. Mom says she wants to go tomorrow, we will see when 6pm rolls around tomorrow.

How does one manage to put underwear on inside out? Seriously. The lovely things even had writing on them, and I managed to put them on inside out. Of course, this wasn't noticed til 9am, while at work. It bothered me all day. Guess that's the type of stuff that happens when I sleep 2.5 hours of catnaps and leave for work at 6:11am.

My plan for this week, to get 40 hours in is...7.25 today, 7 tomorrow, 7 Wednesday, 10 Thursday, and 8.75 Friday. We shall see.

Peace, love, and reality TV viewing to all.

Guys Do It All The Time

Something has been weighing heavy on my heart the past few days. I feel like I gave ST a bad rap during my long 10,000 Angels post.

As I've said, I am over ST & I as a relationship. I am not happy with the way ST handled himself in the past 2 weeks now. We did have a great 6 years. ST is not a bad person. Actually, ST is a great person. He's got just about every quality I would want in a friend or lover. Now I won't stroke his ego and say any of those qualites at the moment. Someone that could truly love someone as complicated and nutty as me for so long, must be pretty skipping special.

Shell & the gang liked the bar! Yipppppeee! They are going back on Saturday. Wahooo. Now, am I free? Better check.

Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?

Today was a day of relaxation to the fullest. Awesome I tell you!

Went to Church. Today was the start of winter rivivial. It was a decent service. It seemed terribly LONG, but it wasn't more then 10 minutes longer then our average service. I liked it because it seemed directed to the younger people (30 & younger he specificially said a few times), but the man doing revivial, grew up in our Church (50-60 years ago) and many many of his extended family attend our church and the church in the next town over. It was weird to me, to have him a rivivial preacher, refer to people by names often. Did I mention all 4 of us went? We had some problems with Mom during the middle of Church, but nothing Dad & I couldn't handle. After the long prayer, Mom thought that was the end and got up and started to leave. She was in the parking lot, when I realized what was going on so I got Dad to go chase her down. Revival is going on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. My plan is to be there Monday & Wednesday.

After Church, we went sledding. Again, all 4 of us. Mom was just going to watch, but she went down the hill some too. Its not a big hill by any means, its right across from the hospital too. So, Dad figured why not let her go? Remember its quality over quantity. She hurts herself more by falling out of bed daily then she could have sledding.

After Sledding, it was lunch time. Lunch was GROSS. I'll live.

Then came my nap. Ahhhh. I love naps, especially my Sunday afternoon nap. Then it was dinner time/football time. Darn Steelers. Cost me $1.25. Yes, we are big gamblers in this house. I know I lost $1 to Jo. I am not 100% sure if I bet my Dad or not. LOL. I'm only 25 and I can remember something 10 hours later.

Then my family all played a game (sequence) during the 3rd & 4th quarter of the game. Jo & I won. Wahoooo! Jo and I played the night before and I won then too. I'm the champ. I'm the best. Wahhhhhhhoooo. Yep, I'm a goof.

I just got done scrapping 2 Christmas pages for my Mom. Did I mention I'm making her a scrapbook for Mother's Day? Ideally it will be for Mother's Day. Things could change and I could feel the need to give it to her sooner. So far I have 5 pages done for hers. I want at least 20 when I give her the album.

On a sad note. Johnny Carson passed away today. Johnny retired from late night TV when I was 13. I don't remember him really, but I do remember watching him at the cottage all the time as a little kid and everyone laughing, so I would laugh too. Why do I only remember Johnny at the cottage? I think its because that was the only time I would be allowed up that late. Sad sad day. Johnny is truly a legend!

I was going to make me a quality chocolate/banana milkshake tonight but Mom ate some of the ice cream and there isn't really enough left. Pout!

I got an email from Shell today. Shell has ALWAYS been 100% supportive about the ongoings with ST and I, since about day 10. She really feels like that when its meant to be, that you will love his friends & family, they will love you. He will love your family & friends and they will love him. As we all are well award, I didn't have that love (hell, there wasn't a bit of like) with ST's family.

Rumor has it that some friends of mine are dating or sleeping together or something. Its really entertaining. I can't wait to get to the bottom of it. In all actuality, I'm sure no one will ever know the truth because the girl involved is one of the biggest liars and hiders of real information out there. If something is going on with these 2, I'm going to laugh my ass off. I can imagine what they really want from the other, but to make certain ex's jealous. I know if that's the plan it won't be working at all...but hey, whatever works. LOL.

I talked to one of my buddies tonight. He's looking at moving to TX or NC. Eeeeek. I don't want him that far from me. Plus, (I should have mentioned it to him!) what would he do with his boat? Maybe he'll just give it to me.

I really wish I could get blogger's spell check to work on this computer. Sorry, ya'll.

T out.

Straight Tequlla Night

Real quick before Church...

Friday afternoon at work, a few of us were talking about the NFL playoffs this weekend. I commented that I want Philly & Pittsburg to win because I think an all PA Super Bowl would be cool.

Last night, I dreamed that both PA teams lost. BUT...I don't think my dream is going to come true because Philly was playing the Raiders and Pittsburg was playing Carolina.

Peace, love, and crabby Mom's to all.

How Do You Like Me Now?

OMG! I'm SO happy dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K is one of my best friends. Sadly, K lives about 2K miles away. I know K thru an AOL message board. Currently on that message board we have a thread discussing the weather in the midwest/northeast. K posted in regards to my post about wanting to move to the southwest. I then post back about seeing her every other year. She was last in Michigan in May of 2004.

Well...K is online, so I IM her to chit chat. She tells me she's coming to visit in less then a month. She didn't even read the message yet about me giving her a hard time about visiting every other year. Wahoooooo! K is coming to Michigan!!!!!!!!!!! I'll probably only see her for a day, but its better then a kick in the butt.

Its been a sad day of laundry. I had to toss out 1 pair of pants, 1 shirt, and 1 bra. The pants were probably warn 1 time, maybe 3. They are just want to short for me. Without shoes on, standing up, they were above my ankle bone. The shirt, was by far, my favorite bar shirt! I had to sew it 2 weekends ago to wear it. Today, after I washed it there was 1 more place that needed to be sewed, plus the 2 that I did last time needed to redone. Then my favorite bra, the underwire broke. Dammit!

Choices, choices. We are still under a "winter storm warning" until Midnight tomorrow. I'm thinking it would be easier to drive down tomorrow evening, stay at Gma's house (less then 2 miles to work) but Jo was saying Gma will be here and it will be a cold day in hell before I stay there with just my Gpaw. Hell, I'd rather walk to work from my house naked in 12 inches of snow before I would stay with Gpaw.

Jo caught up with my blog. I'm annoyed that she doesn't believe how I feel. But, I guess, only I know how I feel.

I did some scrapping tonight. 2 pages for me, 2 for Mom. Wahoo. I'm up to 5 pages for the year. My goal is 365 pages. I did all Thanksgiving pages today. I'm journalling lots on Mom's so its time consuming and emotional.

Peace, love, and dead flowers to all.

King Of The Road

My hair is dyed, along with some of my scalp. Not cute. I like the color, I hope its close to my real color.

I'm not going bowling. Yipeeeeeeeeee. I didn't want to drive in the snow. Joe couldn't bowl due to health issues. Shell said the roads are bad down there. Dad even said he didn't think I should drive that far. Dad is a die hard bowler, so him saying to not go was the winning vote.

Now I get to relax and all that jazz. Yay!

Peace, love, and snow angel making to all.

10,000 Angels

Grab a soda, a snack and enjoy. I think this is going to be a LONG ramble.

For starters...I have a love/hate relationship with snow. If I was 10 years old still I would 100% love snow. Its so pretty. I love to play in it. Then the real world hits me, and I still have to go to work, social gatherings, etc. Maybe I should become a teacher then I could get a snow day here or there?! (Actually, I don't think I'm brave enough to be a teacher. Shell has to put up with some major crap from people less then 1/2 her age)

I just ran to my car to grab my sweater (while in my PJ's...t-shirt and boxers, I did put on mom's unlaced boots) and there are snow drifts well up to my knees. Joy. I love open farm land life. Have I mentioned lately that someday (hopefully sooner then later) I'm moving to Las Vegas or Phoenix?

I'm doing laundry. Another joy of my life. One day, I'm going to be so rich that I just wear it once and donate to charity and then buy more. Okay, so a girl can dream.

I wish I would have taken a picture of my Dad this morning. The guy is such a dork. Maybe he's part of where I get my I don't give a rat's butt attitude from. He had on navy sweatpants (with paint all over them), a white (free) tshirt with car stuff all over it, this red baseball cap that says CIA--Christian in Action hat, and then my Mom's leapord print bootie slippers. Cute, I'm telling you.

I'm so irritated about yesterday. I was leaving work at 3, then 3:15, then 3:45, then 4, then 6, well I punched out at 6:30pm. Shell called me at about 5pm (when there were about 30 salespeople from all over the country in my office) to tell me they were going to the bar I have been wanting to try out since it opened 2 months ago. ERRRRRRRRRRR. I wanted to go so badly, but I wasn't going home and back to the city and home. If I would have known a day in advance, I would have been there. I just hope they liked it there, so we'll go back soon. I wonder who all went. I know 3 within the circle that were wanting to check it out. Maybe they all didn't go. I'll have more pull in the future if that's the case. The newspaper did a write up about this bar the other day, it had mostly good stuff to say. Just not enough seating. I can deal with that, at this type of bar.

I'm enjoying a lovely chocolate banana homemade milkshake at the moment. Ahhhhh. The simplest things in life make me the happiest.

Okay, enough of the fluffy stuff...

Leaving ST out of this. 2 out of 3 of my emotionally involved relationships ended (for good) with some type of breaking point incident.

Matt & I dated the majority of my junior & senior years of HS. He was in the navy my senior year, but we were still "together". While I was away at college (during one of many off again parts of Jimmy) Matt took a train over to visit me for a long weekend. We had a decent time. I won lots at the casino. He left to go back to his base, and I just knew that was the END of the END! He called a few times and I didn't want anything to do with him. He then ran his mouth and I really didn't want anything to do with him. That started a real hatred for each other. We have ran into each other a few times and it was obvious that we didn't want to be in the same room as each other. I slightly feared him. He was just crazy. I ran into him not long ago at the bar, and we actually enjoyed seeing each other. It was nice to see we both had grown up and could handle ourselves like adults. He even bought me a drink or 2.

Jimmy & I dated starting shortly after I graduated from HS, thru my year away at college, and a few months after. Jimmy was the love of my life. We always had so much fun together. He came into my life at time, in a way, that I was never expecting. Jimmy had a horrible reputation (well deserved!) so I had to fight with everyone to get them to see the good in him. If we both would have realized that we were best friends, not lovers, it would have been much better. I can't tell you the number of times that he lied, cheated, yelled, screamed, pushed, me. I know am grateful for all the shit he did to me. No guy will ever get away with that crap. Screw that gig. At one point, his other girlfriend broke my bedroom window (with her fist) and I still didn't wake up. I was blinded by love (or scared by what would happen if I ended things, considering buying the wrong kind of hostess cupcakes left me in so much physical pain). Jimmy and I broke up sometime in the summer of 98, because he spit on my face. That was IT (or so I thought). We spoke a few times here and there but nothing really serious (see, we should have been FRIENDS). I spent much of that summer in Florida. Jimmy was bugging all my friends about me. Hmmm. I thought he cared. Dummy T. I came home from FL and we were talking, hanging out, but not together but not apart really. Thanksgiving rolls around. Shell, P, and I go to Canada, at least, attempt to go to Canada on the biggest bar night of the year (Thanksgiving Eve). I ended up home by 11pm. Called Jimmy, went over there, had sex, and left. That was the end of it. END! Why was that the breaking point, I don't know, but I knew within a matter of hours that was the breaking point. I talked to him maybe 3 times over the phone after that. I just was 100% done. I think I mentioned it previously, Jimmy pasted away in August of 2004. I wish I would have gotten to say goodbye, I wish I would have gotten to thank him for all the fun we had, for everything he did for me, and for being an ass, because it has made me so strong. T the Wall Builder is 100% because of Jimmy.

The 3rd emotionally involved relationships involved SML, who is thru and thru one of the best friends that I could ask for. No one understands how we are friends, why we are friends, etc. but it works great for us. I'm so lucky he's my friend. I'm so greateful for him. No matter what, he's got my back & I've got his.

...blogging break...gotta die my hair. Okay, here I sit for the next 25 minutes with dye on my head. I'm trying to get my hair back to (close to) its natural color. It hasn't been 100% its natural color since 1993. I think its going to turn out really dark which is going to be shocking since I've been lightening, reddening my hair for so long.

Now onto ST. I often feel like ST & I pray to 2 different Gods. I know we don't but it amazes me that when praying about the same situation we both get 2 different answers. Well, the time has come that I have reached that end of all end points with ST. I don't hate him or anything like that. I'm just DONE. The boy could send me flowers for 2 weeks straight, buy me massage after massage, and I'm done. I'm content with it too. ST & I had been talking for about 2 weeks. I thought things were going well. Well, Tuesday afternoon I received an EMAIL that basically said, we are at different points in our lives that things weren't going to work out. I haven't talked to him since (actually I haven't talked to him since last Saturday night). It really is his loss. He might not see it now, but it is. He closed the door on our friendship too. Maybe in the future (like Matt & I) we will be able to chill like friends, but for now, that's just done. I'm not sad, heartbroken, none of that. I'm PISSED at how things went down. If he would have picked up the phone and been like "I was using you for sex", I could have handled that better then his silly email. We are both adults, I just don't understand why he did what he did, the way he did it. I spent lots of time this week discussing this situation with 4 of my friends. One of them, was like "You have been done with him a few times before. Why is this different?" Well, without trust, respect, and a friendship I don't think you can have a relationship and I can assure you all that the trust is GONE! Do I feel used in this situation? As I told another friend, not at all. We might have been in it for different reason, but it was always mutual on one level or another.

It bothers me that my best friend is gone, out of my life, but I'll survive. I have other friends, I have myself, I have my family, and I have God.

So, that's that with the ST situation. He's done, I'm over it. It was a great 6 years. It didn't work out the way I thought it would but I don't regret any part of it. I loved him truly, held nothing back. I had so much fun with him, learned so much from him, opened up more then I thought possible to someone. I can say time and time again, it was so great to learn what true unconditional recipricated love was.

Now I can blog about Red or whatever guy I want and not feel guilty. Yes, I was feeling guilty talking about other guys when ST & I weren't together.

Bowl tonight. Joy oh joy! I don't want to go. I don't want to drive 140 miles in crappy weather.

Peace, love, and moving on to all.

Thunder Rolls

Let's see...I have SO much to say, and I'm ready to talk about it. I worked 10 hours today then ran some errunds. I'm not going to blog my deep thoughts now. Probably at 3am.

Peace, love, and TRUST to all.

Ain't Going Down

Well, I wanted to work 10 hours and go to the gym today. I worked 9.75 and didn't go to the gym. Mom was wanting me home, blah blah blah.

I don't have energy to type anything really. I'm sure I will at 3am. Its the pattern lately.

Peace, love, and long hours to all.

Should Of Been A Cowboy

Hey, its after 3am, and here I am to blog again. Sleeping normal has never been my strong suit, its definitly not right now. I did choke down some dinner (Applebee's...shock shock) around 8:30pm.

I'm sick of having panic attacks. I don't remember the last time I had one really. Now, 2 nights back to back. Yippeeeeee.

I'm calmer now, then I was when I posted last. I have every negative emotion in my head at the moment, but I'll come out of this stronger. I just wish ST would talk to me. I'm still unwilling to blog all the details of my emotions and the current happenings. I don't want to say something I'll regret later. It sucks when the great majority of what you want to say about the one you love and trust more then anyone else on this planet is not nice. I did write (actual paper and pen) some stuff to ST tonight. Of course, I didn't finish my thoughts and I probably will never share what I wrote with him.

I'm 100% paranoid that I might be loosing my job shortly. The attendance police are on a rampage. My attendance has greatly improved over time within this company. There was that week in December that I had to call in 3 days. (2 for my teeth and 1 for the freaking garage door). Well, after that week I got a nasty letter about my attendance. Today, I was 30 minutes late due to the weather. Joy. It took me 146 minutes to get to work today and that's not stoping to get a soda. Normally, it takes about 75 minutes with average traffic and 1 stop to get a soda. Loosing my job right now would just be the icing on the cake of crappiness.

Mom has basically been in Momworld since Friday. Some times are better then others but, yeah, she hasn't been able to be alone at all. Mom gets out of bed and someone is with her, making sure she's not getting into trouble, hurting herself, etc. She called me at work today to tell me she woke up from a nap. She is very overly emotional. Mom is always crying that Jo hates her, she's sorry, etc. Gma has been here since Tuesday now, to help us out. Yesterday/today whatever (Wednesday) was Gma's 76th birthday. I pray that I am as healthy and energetic as she is when I hit that age. Gma is so awesome and strong, to bad she doesn't see it. In the grand scheme of life, Mom's health has been decent on this trip into Momworld, its just dealing with an adult that has the mindset of a young child with very little short term memory. Yet, she knows she's an adult and knows that we (Jo & I) aren't her Mom, she should be able to be in charge of herself, etc. It all makes for fun times.

Mom did manage to point out something interesting the other day. There is this boy that I don't know, but I do know he doesn't treat Jo with the respect and love she deserves. Mom brought it to our attention that I just don't like seeing people be mean to Jo. Exactly. Its nothing against this boy as a person, I don't know him. At the same time, it made me realize that maybe I am going to have to stop defending ST to people. Those people don't dislike ST, they just dislike some of the mud I've been dragged thru lately.

We were watching TV tonight and there was a stupid Cherrios commerical on. The dad is holding the baby, the baby starts eating Dad's Cherrios instead of his own. My Mom was like "That's going to be ST with your babies." I was surprised I didn't cry or say something negative or bite Mom's head off. Mom so has me married off to ST with children. If only I wouldn't have been a moron before, maybe that's how things would be today. Oh well, can't live in the past.

Blah blah blah. This has gotten LONG.

We have no soda in this house right now. You have no idea what kind of a problem that is. We have milk, chocolate milk, butter milk, orange juice, and that's about it. I don't do milk really and I 100% do not do orange juice. We have apple juice, but that's getting crucially low in supply and high in demand. Water isn't really drinkable here. Gotta love farm life.

Oh yeah. Why do I instist on wearing my cute brown clogs in the winter, while its snowing/snow on the ground? Maybe because they are easy to slip on and off, maybe because I like to change my socks, maybe because no one can tell me I can't. Seriously though, T. You live on a farm where the snow drifts get huge. We only have like 2 inches of snow right now, but the drifts between the cars is about 6-8 inches. Of course, I have plenty of other shoes to wear. Its just not the point.

I'm watching way to many TV shows lately. I'm trying to watch Bachorlette, Real World, Real World/Road Rules, American Idol, Osbournes. In the next week also starts Newlyweds and The Apprintence. What the heck? I don't watch TV.

My goal is to work 10 hours tomorrow AND go to the gym. Since I'm awake in the middle of the night, we shall see. I don't even know if I have any clean pants to wear to work tomorrow. Eeeek. I did shave today (and cut myself of course) so if it came down to it, I could wear a skirt. Everyone in my office would have a heart attack. Tomorrow is really today, I guess...I'm talking about Thursday when I wake up in like 3 hours. I think I'm going to spend my Friday night doing laundry. Joy.

Okay, enough. T out.

Girls Lie Too

Well, I heard from ST via email. He's alive, that's nice to know, I guess. Previously I never had a bad thing to say about him...well, now, at this exact moment, I'll just say I'm biting my tongue in 1/2. I'm going to give myself a little while to process information, maybe/hopefully really talk to ST, before I totally go off.

There is a newer song out there that goes something like "love him tonight, hate myself in the morning", well that basically sums up how I'm feeling.

I'm SO angry, hurt, hateful, etc right now, I can barely type this. I managed to choke down my iron pill, but eating is out of the question. I'm literally gagging when I try to drink something.

Thankfully even when I'm unlogical, there is usually a wee bit of logic within me still. I just want to go to sleep right now and 1) wake up and this have been another nightmare or 2) just not wake up. I feel like I have nothing to live for, I can't handle starting over again (and I'm feeling so much more hurt and loss right now). Don't go freaking out, I'm not going to do anything stupid, no one is worth that.

That's enough for now, I'm sure there will be many more posts similar in the coming days/weeks/months.

Carry On

Its after 3am, and I'm awake. Not because of Mom, but because of myself. I'm doing the best I can right now to talk myself out of a full blown panic attack. Its like trying to talk someone off a cliff, I'm imagine. My heart is racing so fast, I'm sweating (and its FREEZING here), my brain is on overdrive. The confusion that my brain and heart are in right now is just about unmanagable. I have no where to turn but to myself and God. I just don't understand what's going on and its killing me slowly. I know deep down, on way or another, this all will work itself out, but right now, its just a mess, I'm a mess. Where did I go wrong, what did I do wrong, what's wrong with me?

Toxic

I'm a worry wart by nature. I have been my entire life. I don't see that changing. I am terrible at "What if-ing". I think up all kinds of things within my lovely brain. By far, it is the quality within myself, that I get annoyed with the most.

I haven't talked to ST at all since Saturday night. I've left him about 6 voice mails now, I called his home phone, I've emailed him. I don't know whats going on. I don't know if he's mad at me or what. If so, I don't know why. I'm 100% confused. I just need to know he's okay. I feel like I'm back to square negative ten with the pain my heart has been through. I can deal with the hurt and pain if things aren't going to work out, I just need to know he's okay. I how and pray everything is okay and something strange is going on, but I don't know. I'm trying to not be a pesimist, but yeah...I suck.

I've been saying that I just want to be cuddled, etc. I want that so badly, but more so right now I just want to hear his voice and know everything is okay. Oh where oh where is my brownie point winner at?

I have been awake by Mom 2 nights in a row. Joy. Last night, on my run to see what was going on with her, I fell down the stairs. Not 1 or 2, all of them. Yes, I'm sore.

I guess I'm going to force dinner down.

Carlene

I hate when I type out a big long post and then waaaaammmmm the lovely computer and/or internet eats it.

I'm mentally and physically exhausted, I don't feel like rewhining what I already said.

Things I will do tomorrow:
--Eat 2 real meals.
--Pick up my iron pills.
--Take my iron pills.
--Make sure I eat enough protein.
--Be on time for work.
--Tell my Mom I love her.

Things I will NOT do tomorrow:
--Skip breakfast.
--Skip lunch.
--Skip dinner.
--Think that 1 small meal at 4pm, is enough for an entire day.

That's all folks. More later.

Peace, love, and headaches to all.

Whiskey Lullaby

Today is better then yesterday, but not great. I know I will snap out of this. I really hate spending my weekends depressed. I really hate being depressed at any time, but seriously the weekends are meant for me to relax and get stuff done at my leasure. When I spend a weekend depressed, I get 100% of nothing done. I managed to scrap 1 (one) page yesterday and go to Church this morning. That's the extent of it. No mad scrapping, no cleaning my room, no doing laundry, no having fun, no hair cut. Nothing. I won't beat myself up over what I did/didn't do this weekend. I just want to *snap* out of this now. Maybe if I didn't feel trapped in this house, I wouldn't feel so bad. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow just so I can be gone from home.

I'm sick of fighting with Jo on Sunday mornings to get up and go to Church. Seriously, its not that early, plus we almost always take a nap afterwards. I cried thru most of the Church service today. I had to leave once to calm myself down for a minute or 2. There is just so much going on with Mom right now, that unless you are myself, Jo, or Dad you just DO NOT understand. Don't pretend you do. My (least favorite) Aunt wants to come stay a few days to help us out. For starters, she'll be more of a burden then a help. She has *oh so many* problems of her own. Don't forget that she's seriously one of the meanest and rudest people (continously!) that I have ever had to deal with.

I wish I was more secure within myself, about the current happens with ST and I. It would make he working and being distant this weekend, much easier to deal with. ERRRRRRR. T, it will all be okay, stop making things worse in your head then they really are. It all goes back to I want to be cuddled, and hugged, and kissed good morning on my forehead.

Off to do something besides pout at the computer.

Peace, love, and blah blah blah to all.

Yeah

I'm going to have rough days, where I'm sad, aggrovated, depressed, etc. Its okay. It will pass. I know this, have been dealing with things SO well all around. In general, I'm pretty skipping happy with all aspects of my life. The timing of this little depression rut just sucks ass. What happened to T the bad ass? I have let myself opened up to ST again, and he can't be there for me today and its killing me. WTF. I know and totally understand he's busy. He has a life that isn't 100% me. (He's working for those inquiring minds.) I went thru 2.5 months of not having ST to turn to, having rough days within myself, having rough days with my mom. WTF is wrong with me today? Why can't I just deal with this myself? Maybe cause my parents won't let me sleep. Jo & I are going to Church tomorrow, hopefully that will do something for this awful mood of mine.

Jo & I went into town. Got Mom some paints, she's so excited. Then we had dinner at Applebee's. Yes, I'm totally sick of that place. No, there is no where else to eat in town unless you want fast food. We made friends there. Dan and Keirsten were funny. They were sitting at the table next to us, and were just fun.

I did scrap 1 page tonight. My head/heart just isn't in it right now. I need to be in a decent mood and let me remind you, I'm not.

ERRRRRRRRRRRR. I don't want to be so moody. I don't want to be sad at ST. I just want to spend time with him. I frick want to be held and cuddled and have my forehead kissed good morning without an alarm clock blaring! I just want my Mom to sleep some. I just want a million dollars. If I had a million dollars I would be in somewhere warmer.

I said I wasn't going to bug ST at all. Ha! I just wish we were near the same level. I wish I didn't feel like I was bugging him all the time. I wish he could understand how important he is to me. I wish I didn't feel like our communication sucked. With time T. Patients.

Peace, love, and mood swings to all. Remember the sun will come out tomorrow and Jesus loves you.

You are my Sunshine

Its been a rough day. I haven't really ate, which I know is 100% effecting me. A handful of pretzels and a handful of popcorn doesn't cut it, especially when I had a so-so dinner the day before. I'm either going to sleep or get food shortly.

My Dad just pissed me off so badly. (ERRRRRRR. He just came upstairs for the 3rd time to check on me because Mom keeps telling him too. Don't piss me off and then BUG ME!) Eveything I do is SO wrong in his eyes. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't with him. When he just went off on Jo & I about how we are dealing with my Mom tonight, I just went upstairs because I would have screamed and yelled and I didn't want too. Walking away from him was the wrong thing to do. You would think by the age of 25, I would know my Dad is never going to be happy/proud of how I do things, but yeah, I guess I still hope. Actually sometimes, I wish he would just shut up. Let me do my thing, you do your thing. What works for one doesn't work for everyone. Why can't he understand that?

Okay, I'm off to town with Jo. We need out of this house.

Peace, love, and loneliness to all.

King of Glory

After 12 hours of quality sleep, I'm still wanting more. My lovely Mom wanted to give me flowers, so she came and woke me up at 11:11am. Jo & I are home with Mom today, Dad is working on car stuff. I want to bang my head against the wall already. We might be going to the movies at 2:15pm, if Mom behaves. She seriously is like having a child. I don't want kids yet. If I did, was ready for them, I'd have them. When I'm over-tired, I lose any (small) amount of patients I might have had with her.

Last night Jo, Mom, Dad, and I went out for dinner for Jo's birthday. I think I was the only one that didn't really like the place. There was very little on the menu to tickle my fancy. I could have gotten a lot better steak for $5 cheaper at Logan's. Oh well. Jo liked it. I know I won't be going back there on my own free will.

ST was pretty moody yesterday. I have to learn (I've been trying for the past 6 years, still don't have it down) to not take it so personal. My Mom talked to him on the phone for a few minutes. He wasn't crabby to her and she actually got (I think) the reason why he's so crabby. My mom was so cute later. She remembers she talked to him, he was crabby but not to her, just me. LOL. I called him again later last night, but just got the VM. I think I'll let him be today. I'm really bad at leaving him alone though.

I think if I find energy I'm going to do some mad scrapping today. My Desk has so many pictures on it, just calling my name. I also need to buy some ink. I need a hair cut too. Hmmm. Decisions decisions.

Work on Thursday was on of those days that makes me want to cry. Thankfully I have much better days there more often then not. Thursday was SO busy and Phil (Jess' boss) was on a rampage about everything with everyone. One of the other bosses called him "Mr Crabby Pants", I was entertained. I tried to leave at 3:30pm, but that didn't work. I finally left at 6pm. I'm cheap. Grace got me to stay, by buying me a soda. Friday was much better but everyone was so on edge after Thursday being the day from hell.

JJ called for me on Thursday. Rumor has it that she wants me to pick her and the boys up and take them to wrestling at 6:30am on Sunday. John would meet them there, cause JM doesn't trust his mom to get him weighed in/checked in correctly. I called JJ back (before I knew what she wanted) and left her a message with my cell #. She hasn't called back yet. Maybe she knows I'll tell her to take a flying leap. I love my 'phews to death, but I can't be responsible for their mom's own immature/irresponsiblity all the time. I think John will probably just pick the boys up on Saturday night or something. We shall see. Its really NMP to stress about.

Speaking of JJ. Interesting stuff, she told my Mom that she's scared about how my Mom's brain is because maybe its drug related and maybe the drugs are killing JJ's brain cells to, or something along those lines. But waaaaaiiiiittttt, JJ doesn't do drugs, she doesn't have a problem, etc etc etc. She didn't even remember Jo's birthday. JJ annoys me. Hell, she asked Jo when TOY's birthday was. Give me a break, you have 2 sisters, 2 parents, and 2 sons and you can't remember their birthdays. Oh, its cause her life is so busy and crazy. With WHAT? Working and having your kids every other weekend? Give me a break.

Off to make sure Mom is napping and not giving Jo a hard time.

Peace, love, and Mom sitting to all.

It Matters To Me

I'm SO exhausted lately. I've been sleeping pretty solid, about 6 hours a night, give or take. Once, I'm done being exhausted, I'll write something worthwhile.

I want to be able to sleep with ST and not have to wake up to an alarm clock. I want to be cuddled and kissed sweetly on my forehead when he rolls over. I miss him. He's adorable.

Okay, tired T, going to bed.

Peace, love, and bad steaks to all.

I'm Gonna Miss Her

I forgot to mention a few things in my last (long winded) post.

I called P on Sunday, after wrestling to tell her about it and stuff. I want to be friendly/cordial with her. The converstation was more annoying then friendly. Reminder, that I will continue to associate with positive people.

ST scored more brownie points over the weekend. He was attempting to make plans with me for Memorial Day Weekend. That indicates a (slight) future. He's just so adorable. I miss him. I tried to call his hotel this afternoon, and he checked out. Maybe he's on his way home. I just want to be cuddled now that this cold (might/hopefully) is on its way out.

My Mom is having a rough day. Her short term memory is sucking big time. The clock. Its all about the clock. In our old house (that my parents lived in from Summer of 1978 until Summer of 1999), we had this ugly clock on the living room wall. We think we sold it at our big yard sale before the move, we might have tossed in the trash, who knows. It was old and ugly. My Mom is seriously crying over this clock. She wants that clock back so bad. Then Mom was then telling us about something that happened when she was younger. My Dad & I didn't understand her and she got ALL upset. She was explaining a house to us, that she lived in as a teenager. She stormed into her bedroom cause "you guys think I'm stupid." I then got irritated and raised my voice at Jo over the situation. Jo doesn't seem to understand that this is very scary and upsetting to Mom. I was checking my email, eating my salad. My Dad came up stairs and took my salad away, just to show my Mom that she did make me one.

Peace, love, and Mom sitting to all.

Didn't Have To Be

Okay, this post was STARTED on 01/10/04...

For starters...Happy 19th Birthday Jo! It seems like just yesterday (okay, maybe not yesterday...but not 19 years ago) that Jo was born. I was only in 1st grade, but I remember the day she was born so vividly, and the weeks after too. JJ & I were walking home from school, it was a 1/2 day, end of the 2nd quarter. It was about noon. Mom & Dad drove past us, telling us that Grandma would meet us at the house. We got home and within minutes my Grandma was there. She had us pack our stuff and we headed to her house. I was full of questions. Grandma was crying and crying. Grandma told us that Mom was at the hospital, and we would have to stay with her at least the night. At the time my Grandma and Nana lived across the street from each other. It was about 2:30pm, Grandma and Nana sat us down and told us that my Dad just called and that the baby was coming today. But WAIT! I knew the baby was coming near Dad's birthday (March 16th). It wasn't Dad's birthday yet. About an hour later someone (I think my Grandpaw) called to tell us that the baby was here, at 3:12pm, at 2lbs 10oz. Baby was on her way to a different hospital where they could give her a fighting chance at life. Neither Mom nor Baby were doing well. 10 weeks early in 1986 was VERY early. I remember being 6 years old, and them keeping no secrets from us about what was going on. (Heck, at 25, they keep more secrets from me then they did back then) Seems like it was about 3 or 4 days later that we finally got to see Mom. About another 3 or 4 days and we got to see Jo thru windows and stuff. She didn't look like a baby. She was in a little clear box with round holes, so you could put your arms in, with tubes and wires all over. That wasn't what I thought my baby sister was going to be like. 2 months of the NICU and she could finally come home. I hated her SO much when she got home! She was much easier to deal with at the hospital. No one was allowed over because we had to be so careful with her. I hated that all my friends cared more about my precious baby sister then they did me. I hated that she cried, I hated that she was oh so precious, I hated that she was the center of attention and just required so much care. I think it was probably June before I was okay with her being around, knew she wasn't going anywhere, etc. The first 4 years of her life were filled with surgery on top of surgery, test on top of test, school when most babies were napping but things got easier and better as we went along. My parents really pulled their heads out of their asses to provide the best for Jo, to get her the best of the best, to make sure she would thrive as much as possible. I really think if my parents were more passive when Jo was younger, she wouldn't be where she is today. Now, of course, she was babied TERRIBLY, which is a big part of why she 1) doesn't have a drivers license 2) has a huge anger issue 3) expects my dad to brush her hair daily 4) expects my parents to do so much for her.

Jo, in all seriousness, has came a long way from that baby that we didn't know if she was going to make it thru the night. She has truly became one of my best friends and the coolest sister I could ask for. Now, if she'd just get that license.

Crack crack crack, that was my neck.

I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. So much in my snot filled head. Yes, I still have a nasty cold. Yes, I'm still whining about it. When I blow my nose its lime green and red. Mmmmm. Tasty.

Bowling on Saturday was alright. I won $28 or something like that. I had to split it with this bitch though. Actually, I had to spilt it with Shell. We both bowled 115 the 2nd game. Damn her. Her average is 4 pins higher then mine, why couldn't she bowl closer to her aveage?! I'm glad I had to spilt the $ with Shell. I couldn't think of anyone better in the league to have to share with. Other then that, I basically sat at bowling like a bump on a log, feeling snotty.

After bowling I went to Canada with ST, and a few others. It was an interesting experience. No border issues to report thankfully. We started at a small clubby type bar, that has great drinks in large quantity for pretty cheap. Then we went to the strip club. It was so different then I was expecting. Much less trashy then I was expecting. Of course, it got my "I need a boob job" mojo kicking again.

Sunday was wrestling and hockey. I did call JJ to offer to take her to wrestling. She had to "work". Do I believe her? No. Do her kids believe her? No. JM was 2-2 for the day. 1st match he pinned the boy in less then 2 minutes. 2nd match, he lost. 3rd march, he won, tech fall shortly into the 2nd period. 4th match, he lost by points to his biggest rival. The best part of JM's day. He didn't stomp his foot or cry at all! I was so proud of him, that I was crying. My baby is growing up. TOY has such a different attitude then JM, when it comes to wrestling. JM is VERY comptetive, TOY is just there for fun and doesn't take it all that serious. (TOY is the one that wants the "Hold my medals why I kiss your girlfriend" Tshirt, at the age of 6). TOY went 1-2 for the day. I don't remember his losses really, but I know his win, he pinned the boy in less then 1 minute. They surely make their Aunt T proud.

At wrestling, I got to talk to John (JJ's ex) alot and his girlfriend. It was nice to really get to talk to girlfriend on a good note. She seems nice, at least, personable. I wish my sister wasn't so jealous and could see that John is happy and that girlfriend isn't bad at all to the boys, and isn't out to take over for her. Girlfriend and Jo share a birthday. Girlfriend is now 21. Way to rob the craddle John! John always has had a good head on his shoulders. I trust him way more then I would most people. I just really hope he has his feet on the ground still. I just can't fathom what a 21 year old, would want with a 33 year old with 2 kids, besides $$$$. I know that sounds mean, and I hope and pray there is more to it.

Hawks hockey is back. Since I'm 100% going thru NHL withdrawals and seriously sad about the lock out, Hawks it is. The Hawks is ST's roller hockey team. They have been around in some form for about 5 years now. They won 8-5, which is amazing since they were losing 4-5 with about 1.5 minutes to go. Never know what might happen at those games. I adore all the guys on that team. I wish all the girls of the guys on the team could get along. Its seriously so stupid and petty, if you ask me. I do my best to get along with everyone there. It would be so much better, funner, if everyone could get along. There are these 2 that haven't gotten along, at all, in the past 1.5 years now, so I guess its not going to change, but I can hope.

I was annoyed with myself some Sunday. I was really feeling like crap, and just didn't feel like sticking up for myself or voicing my opinion (I know, shocking as hell!), so I didn't get my way at all. In the end, it really didn't matter but its so not like me to not voice my opinion. I guess, I'm learning that my opinion isn't always needed and things will be okay. On top of not voicing my opinion, I really did well with picking and choosing what to bicker with ST over. I actually chose to not bicker, in the grand scheme of life, it wasn't worth it...but he still owes me and he knows it.

I realized the other night that I am IN LOVE with ST. I don't know if I was ever out of love with him, but its such a good feeling to know that I am IN LOVE with him, that its okay to love him and know that he DOES care about me. Doesn't mean, I'm not scared, because, trust me, I am. I'm not one to live in fear. I let my social phobias do that to me enough, I won't let my love life live in fear. I told ST breifly how I was feeling the other night. I know he's not on the same page as me, at the moment, and I don't know what its going to take to get us there. I guess that's why I contine to just turn everything over to God, and let him handle it. I definitly don't want to be putting unneeded pressure on ST. It took a lot out of me, serious consious thought, when he kissed me goodbye this morning (yippeee! he let me sleep an extra 1.5 hours! Brownie points!) to not tell him I loved him. He's out of state for work, for most of the week. I'm used to him traveling, it doesn't bother me really. I don't like where he is at right now though. IA/WI border, his lovely cell phone doesn't work there. Score more brownie points for ST though. He did call and leave me a VM with the hotel #, if I needed to call him. Good boy. Made my snot filled day a little brighter.

This weekend, I MIGHT be taking Jo to Canada with some of my friends. I think my family is going out to eat, for Jo's birthday. Sunday is probably wrestling and hockey again. Guess I won't be working late on Wednesday, so I can get to Church.

I hope I am snotless soon so I can get back to the gym, back to regular (ha!) sleep schedule, back to more hours at work, etc.

Peace, love, and snotty stuffy runny nosey to all.

Glory To God In The Highest

To bowl or not to bowl, that is thy question.

This cold is seriously kicking my butt. I don't want to drive 2+ hours just to bowl when I feel like shit. I have to feel better by Monday, I just can NOT miss any work right now. At this rate, tomorrow's wrestling tournament won't even be an issue. I hate feeling crappy.

Peace, love, and stupid decisions to all.

Heartbreak Hotel

I'm a whiner by nature. I know that, I think I have been a whiner the majority of my life. Maybe because my mom is a queen whiner, maybe because whining got me my way more often. I really don't know why I'm a whiner really. Sometimes my whining annoys me. The last 2 days it was at a prime. Well world. At least, I feel better about how much I was whining now, because I have a reason. I'm sick. Not only do I have cramps that make my ovaries feel like they are popping thru my skin, I have a cold. Running noise, stuffy nose, headache, sore throat, achy ears, random scratchy cough. Joy.

I went to the gym earlier with my family. I really enjoyed myself. I didn't swim (see all the above reasons about me feeling like crud) but I did work out. I am going to try to go 4 times a week. 2 cardio, 2 weight training. Sounds like a start to me. The place (its really the town's rec center, but its a huge cool place) was packed. Lots of young giggly teens there. Better there then hanging out at the grocery store, I guess.

After the gym, I didn't do a whole lot. I did call KC, but she was just watching TV. Exciting Friday night. So, I played online and went to sleep before 12am. Wait, its 2am and I'm blogging. Ahhhh. The joys of sleeping when you can't breathe properly.

I exchanged a few emails with Shell today. She wants to do something tomorrow after bowling. I don't know. She seemed less then thrilled with me that ST and I are trying to work things out. She has been 1/2 of my rock in dealing with the entire ST situation. I know she doesn't want to see me hurt, she wants me happy. I know once Shell & I get to really talk about the current happenings she'll understand whats going on and will be cool with everything, as long as I'm doing what is best for me.

At Christmas (okay 12/23) my cousin Trin(she's the closest in age to me, at 22), Jo, and I were talking. This cousin was the youngest of 3 children. She had 2 older brothers. ET pasted away in November of 1995. Her other brother has "ran away" countless times in his life. Usually ending up in jail, having my Grandparents go and get him, states away. Well, at the moment no one has seen or heard from this cousin in over 3 years. Trin really got to me when she was saying Jo & I should be grateful and embrace JJ. I took what Trin said to heart, and have been praying about the situation. I hate that I feel the relationship I have with JJ is hopeless. Which all leads too...

I'm having a slight internal battle with myself at the moment. I really don't like JJ as a person. We agree on very little in the grand scheme of life. She's my sister and I love her to death and in the event that she truly needed me, I'd be there with out a doubt (even without my mom telling me too!). I have continued to put most of our differences aside, for my Mom and nephews' sake. JJ claims she her car isn't reliable. (Note: She had a decent amount of cash to buy a car a few years ago, and chose to buy a used car based on how she looked in it. Without having my extremely car smart Dad, or mechanic Uncle look at it for car-stupid JJ.) Wrestling starts this Sunday. The tournament is probably 45 minutes from JJ's house. JM & TOY will be riding with their Dad. (JM doesn't trust JJ to get them there on time and get them registired properly) JJ won't ask her ex for a ride because she is jealous of his new girlfriend. JM & TOY are so used to their Mom only going to events when she feels like it. If I go to the tournament from my house, there is NO way I'm picking her up. It would be AT LEAST an hour out of my way, each way. For a 9:30am start time, that's way to much. If I stay at ST's place, JJ is maybe 30 minutes total out of the way. I just don't know if I can handle dealing with her for 1.5 hours in the car (and deal with her bitching about not smoking for THAT long), then deal with her at the tournament, bitching about how I drive, about when/why I want to leave, deal with her poor parenting ability, deal with her bitching about ex's girlfriend, etc. I just don't know what to do.

I also, just don't understand how she expected her ex to deal with all her boyfriends from day 1 of their break up, yet the 1st girl (3 years later) he has brought around and JJ is hell bent out of shape about it. Hello, JJ, you were the one that had to have the divorce. He argued with you, tried to work things out, etc. You were the one slutting around before you even moved out, hell, probably while you were still "together". Get over yourself.

Rant over. More whining to come soon, don't worry.

Peace, love, and stuffy noses to all.

In This Skin

I just made ST & I dinner. It sucked. He is supposed to clean up the kitchen. I'm not holding my breathe. I've learned that instead of fighting when he doesn't do things on my time schedule, to just do them myself. ST is busy yelling at his video games. Boys and their toys.

I have a blog worthy joke courtesty of TOY.

"How do trees get online?"

--They LOG on!

Hehehehe!

I don't know how my weekend is going to unfold. KC let me know she's free this weekend. Shell & I haven't hung out in what seems like forever. Saturday is the joy of bowling. Sunday, I think is JM & TOY's 1st wrestling meet of the season. Also ST's hockey league starts. Lots of possiblities, no plans.

I've made a deal with myself that I will not talk about things on here reguarding ST & I, until I talk with him about it. Since I have already...I'm cool to get these things out. I'm scared and nervous with what is happening with us right now but enjoying every moment too. Only time will make things better, and him continuing to treat me like the princess I am.

Peace, love, and dental floss to all.

In Anothers Eyes

Once again, I'm so exhausted that putting my thoughts from my brain to my fingers to this lovely blog is going to be interesting.

I worked 10 hours today, drove 1+ hour home, and had 6 hours of laundry to do. Obviously all the laundry isn't getting done tonight.

Lovely Michigan is supposed to be getting 7 to 11 inches of snow within the next 36 hours. Joy. It was important that I got a ton of laundry done, cause I'm gonna be sleeping at Gma's, work or something.

Things with ST and I are going well. I can't expect overnight results but we are working on things. Baby steps. He did a fine job of spoiling me on Monday night. Heck, he even took me out for dessert! Plus, he let me fall asleep by 8pm!

I have learned I can't count lately. I can't count October 22nd to Jan 3rd. I also can't count Jan of 1999 to Jan of 2005. Yep, I'm a smart cookie.

Okay, I'm getting one last load of laundry out of the dryer and calling it a night.

Old habits die hard.

Peace, love, and cold feet to all.

Head Over Feet

I'm so exhausted I could just pass out.

I've spent most of the past 48 hours now, thinking, praying, and talking with ST. The timing of all this is interesting to me.

I'm excited to be staying in the city 2 days in a row. No 75 minute ride into work rocks.

Peace, love, and sleep to all.

Never Been Down

Joy.

Random Post for sure, coming your way.

I laid in bed for 2 hours last night, after talking with ST. My brain just wouldn't shut down. I then got up for about 10 minutes and laid back down. I then cat napped lightly for 3 hours. Let me tell you, I was a real pleasure to deal with.

Mom & I go to Church. She's doing decent just an emotional mess. About 1/2 thru Church, right before the actual sermon, she looks at me and says "I've got to leave, I've got to go home. I'm going to puke." I get her to the lobby, go get our coats (which are hung in the back of the sanctuary) and we leave. About 1/2 way home she's fine again. She's totally fine, doing laundry, etc when we get home. She just wants to run and hide from God, I think.

Jo & I went to Church tonight. It took a lot for me to suck up my social issues (regarding leaving in the middle of morning service) and go tonight. When we pulled in the parking lot, it was pretty empty. Then, I remember we were watching a video regarding a new class they are starting. Well, 3 classes (Senior Adults, Young Adults and Teens) all with the same subject matter. It was a much better video then I thought, especially in the start of it. Jo & I talked about maybe going to a few of the classes. The issue is JM & TOY's wrestling starts next Sunday, so we won't be around for Sunday mornings again until about April. We shall see.

I'm glad Jo's home. I was missing her, I didn't have no one to pick on. Mom is glad Jo is home too. Jo is glad to be home, she missed (was worried, I think) about Mom.

I shaved tonight. I cut myself too. Yes, those 2 must go hand in hand.

I tried really hard today to add my photo to my Blogger profile but I failed obviously. It wanted a URL, I gave it one, but I guess its not the right type or something. Color computer dumb T confused!

ST mentioned us getting together tomorrow, I called him this afternoon to firm up plans, but he hasn't returned my call. Color T confused again. If he calls, we will probably make plans. If not, his loss.

Devil Without A Cause

After 2+ hours of chatting online with ST, I think maybe we are turning the corner, where we can work on our friendship. I am proud of me, in that, I didn't IM him. He started it and it definitly wasn't a one way converstation.

I want to say all kind of rotten things but like always, I can't. He knows and understands me better then anyone else. I forget to put my emotional wall up for him.

I was chatting with K, as I was chatting with ST. I was basically screaming at her, that he's dragging me thru emotional mud. He's not really though. I have an emotional attachment to him, he doesn't (appear) to have one to me.

Ways I am going to become rich:
--Find a way for people to shut off their emotions.
--Make a patients pill.
--Bottle 6 year old boy energy.
--Become a hooker.

Okay, Goody night. Yeah, I'm tired. Good night.

Somebody Like You

Okay, I totally suck at resolutions. Duh. That's why I don't make them.

I saw ST sign online. I was busy playing with photos on the computer and at my scrapping desk. I was seriously debating deleting his name from my buddy list. Not block him, just delete his name from my list. So, I won't get emotional in any way knowing he's online. If he wants to IM me, the choice would be his. I seriously had the set up buddy list box up. Thinking about it. Then...he IM's me. ERRRRRRRRRRR. Don't get me wrong, I love chatting with him. We are talking pretty nice and friendly right now. He's making me cry, shock shock. Nothing bad. We are just talking about me wanting to be a bad ass and he turned me into a pile of mush. Really, I was never a bad ass, I just pretend. I let my guard down for him. I'm working my ass off to build my guard up higher then ever before. Can't get hurt if you don't let people in.

I'm 100% jealous of ST. He has Monday off work too. I'm going to try to work at least 9am-6:30pm all week. We shall see. If the work is there, I can handle it. I can't handle sitting there doing nothing.

In all seriousness. I am trying to rationalize why I can't deal with this ST situation totally. If he wasn't so perfect in my eyes, it would help. The boy doesn't have a single flaw. Okay, 1...he broke up with me. Of course, we have a few differences but those aren't flaws by any means. (For exampe: I want to homebirth my future children. He thinks I have a 10th head when I say that.)

Way to go Texas Longhorns! Beat U of M by 1 point at the Rose Bowl. Hahahaha! My Dad and his musical Hail to The Victors keychain can shut up for a while now!

Peace, love, and Trading Space marathon to all.

If I Was Jesus

I posted this on my favorite message board today, but just so I can remind myself, every so often...I'll list my "resolutions" here too.

My "resolutions" for this year:

--to stop letting people (ST especially!) rent space in my head.

--to cherish time with my Mom.

--to continue to attend a church service/function at least once a week. (I've been doing this since mid-October and its been wonderful for my overall mood)

--to find some type of extracurricular activity (not work, not church).

*I put "resolutions" in quotes because I think I once made a resolution to not make resolutions. I should think of a better word for me to use, but I just don't have that much energy right now.

Refried Dreams

I 100% resisted temptation. I didn't call anyone at midnight to wish them a Happy New Year. I had said most of my Happy New Years (via email) earlier in the day. At about 12:15AM when I came upstairs, I checked my phone. Nope. No one called me. Good, I didn't want to call anyone back. Okay, I did want to call ST, but I didn't. Nope. Can't do it. The one NYE we weren't together (12/31/02) I did call him, but this time, I'm trying to leave everything on his shoulders. I suck at it, but I'm trying.

I took some cute pictures of JM, TOY and Mom being goofy tonight. Some day, I'm going to learn how to add pictures.

Earlier today, my Dad REALLY had me upset. It was something pretty small, in the grand scheme of life, but twice within the past 2 weeks, he did something to just grate my skin. Both issues were the same principle. I was praying about how to handle the situation. I called and got SML's opinion. I prayed more. In my house there are 3 ways to deal with things. 1) Scream & yell. 2) Ignore that there is a problem. 3) Talk it out. With my family, #3 doesn't happen often, but I'm trying my best. I usually go with #2 because I don't like conflict, but that isn't fair to me. My heart was really telling me I needed to address the issue with Dad. SML said I should ignore it, basically because I live here rent free. Normally, SML has decent advice (even if I don't think it is at the time) but this time my heart and then gut was telling me I had to talk with Dad. The talk went really well, only got interrupted by Mom 1 time. It was all said & done within 5 minutes. Wow. Dad & I conversed like humans. I did cry a little, but I'm a cryer by nature. Yay. Issues resolved and my heart feels a lot lighter.