Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and where my life isn't what I want...I do have a lot to be THANKFUL for. More on that tomorrow.

Right now, I'm SAD. Shocking I know. Its basically my last night "in the city" and its also the biggest bar night of the year. And, I sit home alone. AND not for a lack of trying. LOSER. That's me.

God is love.

When You're Gone

I am going to SCREAM! FU(KING SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am already struggling with many not good emotions about moving to my parents house. (Note: This house will NEVER be my home!)

I don't remember when, but at some point...my main closet at my parents house broke. As in, the part you hang clothes on (and put stuff on top of) ripped away from the wall. I do not recall if this was ever fixed properly or not.

WELL...now, that I am moving there on Friday/Saturday...I just asked my Dad if it was fixed. He said No. He said "I'll see what I can do." Now...my Dad is on vacation this week. Yes, he does have to take my mom for some medical tests...but still. To know my Dad is to KNOW this task will NOT be touched.

And I did say main closet...but the other closet is shelves and not designed to hang clothes at all.

Another thing to add to my stress/depression about this move. Add on that they have 4 inches of snow there. Its amazing that within 60 miles, the HUGE difference in weather. Plus, there are way less cars/traffic up there so the snow on the roads stays. Plus the crazy open farm land...it just blows all over the place.

I just messaged one of my cousins on Facebook. He is always so upbeat and happy. I wish I could be that way.

God is love!

If I Were A Boy

I had a good weekend. YAY! Friday, I babysat Baby Girl all day. She is just so sweet, cute, and happy all the time. Then I hung out with her parents, went to dinner, and hung out some more. Saturday, Shell, Baby Girl and I went shopping, to visit her parents, to lunch, and shopping some more. Then, later Shell, her mom, Baby Girl, and I went to the cool mall for Santa's arrival and tree lighting. That turned into a mess but we enjoyed each others company. Then was Roomie's Fiance's 30th Birthday party. The party was at Dave & Busters. It was pretty lame and VERY crowded. Visited with everyone and Shell and I were home by 23:00. Sunday, I went to early Church. Came home and napped. Was woke up by my friend ringing the door bell. We hung out here, then he went home to unpack (he had been away for the weekend, hunting). Then, I went there and we caught up on TV shows and he made dinner. And I was home, in my bed by 23:00.

I have so much little crap to do and no motivation to do any of it. I just want to crawl in a hole and wake up in mid-Jan.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Bird Without Wings

My heart is heavy. I wish I could cleary explain WHY its heavy...it just is.

Lots to do with my friend, lots to do with moving, lots to do with the holiday, lots to do with not having a job and being so bored, useless and depressed feeling all the time, lots to do with being single, and lots to do with missing my dead cousins and friends.

Yesterday marked the 13th anniversary of my cousin ET's death. I had an amazing "God moment" while at the cemetery. Yet missing my cousins still makes me sad. I just MISS them. Thanksgiving is really rough on me because ET and I had great memories of together on Thanksgiving...and the year he died, we buried him on Tuesday and Thanksgiving was 2 days later. Thanksgiving has NEVER been the same, and never will be.

I think I'm going to the library, just for something to do.

God is love!

Ready For Whatever

I don't know why I'm having a rough day today, mentally. Maybe because physically I don't feel well. Its a little different then a normal flare up, but close. Pain isn't that bad, but there and consistent. Also, I'm avoiding the moving thoughts like the plague, but I can't much longer. Also, I am (again) annoyed (and flat out ANGRY!) that I am single. I am sick of blogging about being single and crappy about it.

When I signed into Blogger, I had something to type about but now I don't know.

The Detroit Lions (which at best, I've been a fair weather fan. I'm just not that into football.) are now 0-10. As in, ZERO wins and TEN losses. I can't help but laugh.

Off to pray "Pat's Pray".
* A car (which I have but I need it to keep running and all that jazz)
* A job
* A man

God is love!

Let's Get Drunk Again

I don't feel that I have anything to blog about, but not blogging didn't seem like an option really.

My birthday was a pretty good day! I wish all days could be like my birthday, but whatever. My friend and I went to lunch at Red Lobster, then shopping, then to dinner at Cici's Pizza, then back to his house to play with my new digital picture frame...but WAIT. It didn't work! So, more shopping was in order. Then on the way home again, my friend thought of something that he forgot to buy...so MORE shopping was needed.

Friday, I got to babysit Baby Girl for the first time. It was only for about 3 hours. She was an angel! Poor Baby Girl is getting sick though so she didn't nap well during the day. Shell, J, Baby Girl, and I went to dinner then to visit J's parents (also my friend's parents). Baby Girl was a tad whiny because she was so tired. She'd cough and then cry. I get to watch Baby Girl next Friday, ALL DAY! YAY!!!!

J is one of my friends. One of my most trusted friends. He might pick on me time and time again, but its his way of showing me he cares. I don't trust many people and I would trust him with my life. Take his wife and brother out of the equation and we are still friends. Good friends. Obviously, without his wife, I wouldn't KNOW him. J has done a great job of not chosing sides in the situation with my friend and me. WELL...

It was brought to my attention about a week ago that my friend's sister & parents (Mom especially!) do NOT like the way my friend treats me. Well, I have to say in my friend's defense...they don't see us often and they don't have a clue really. His family has adored me since day one. WELL...

J and my friend are brothers. J and I are friends. J and I had a heart to heart last night about this "situation". (NOTE: 99% of the time, things are fine, I'm okay with how things are, and don't see that there is a "situation") J who KNOWS me, his brother, and how we are...doesn't like the way his brother is treating me lately. Now, my friend's parents and sister not liking how he treats me made me laugh. J not liking how he treats me makes me think. Part of it makes me sad.

I honestly, don't think my friend treats me bad at all. He treats me well. I treat him well. He's there for me and I'm there for him. I think his family feels he me poorly because there is a blurry line as to our friendhship & "relationship". To us, there isn't a blurry line.

I move in 2 weeks. I have to stop avoiding it. It makes me want to puke.

God is love!

Steal Away

Apparently the converstation and texts that SML and I shared the other night were a fluke. I'm sad and hurt again but right now, more confused than anything.

My friend is on his way home from Las Vegas. We exchanged texts Friday, and today...and he called twice today. I love it that he misses me. Is that evil of me? I know I'll have to get used to seeing him a lot less...but yeah.

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. 29th for the FIRST time. No plans but I'm hoping I can get my friend to take me to dinner at least. I already celebrated my birthday for the majority. Thursday I will go to dinner with Shell though...and Friday I get to babysit Baby Girl for the first time. I am VERY excited! Its a great birthday gift!

Watching the Red Wings vs Penguins game right now. Darren McCarty scored. I love him! He's the best. Okay...so he's not the best player (shhhh! don't tell him I said that) but he's just a great team player and a real fan favorite. I wish his band was still together. They sucked but being 10 feet away from him was the best!

God is love!

My friends ROCK!  They threw me a surprise party on Friday.  It turned out to be a non-surprise party but the effort they all went thru made me realize again, how much I am loved and how blessed I am to have kick ass friends!  I had a BLAST!  Seriously, one of the best birthdays to date!!

Saturday night I went to a comedy club with some friends.  It was a good time.  Much better than the last time I went!

Saturday night, I texted SML.  He actually responded.  He hasn't replied to me in like a year or two.  I was SOOOOO excited.  We texted a few times.  If we would have been hanging out near his house, I think he might have joined us.  SML and I talked my entire drive home (probably 45 minutes).  We talked about our issues a little bit and about what's been going on.  I tried unsuccessfully to get him to come over.  He promises me we will get together tomorrow, to work on burying the hatchet...but as I told him, his word means NOTHING to me.  I am praying we can work things out or at least, we can try and I am able to make peace with the situation.

My friend is still in Las Vegas.  Right now, I am missing him terribly.  I don't know why.  I know I'll have to get used to seeing him a TON less.  I am willing to bet money he's going to be an ass to me on my birthday again.  I pray not...but yeah.

God is love!

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I am SO stressed.  Mainly about Dad's job.  Rumor on the street is that GM White Collar (That's Dad) will be getting a large pay cut today.  Dad and I talked about it yesterday, he just wants to know what the heck is going on.  This continous stress about do I have a job, will I have to move depts, pay cut, benefits cut, etc is just craptastic.

I'm also goofy stressed because of my birthday party tonight.  It was a surprise party but Roomie slipped up last night.  Hehehe!  This will be the 6th time people have UNSUCCESSFULLY tried to have a surprise party for me.  Roomie and I were talking about how I was babysitting today, blah blah blah.  Well, she then sends Steph a text message that says "Oh no.  T is babysitting tomorrow.  Do you know if Shell told her?"  Or something along that lines.  Problem is she sent the text message to ME!  Roomie and I are sitting across from each other in the living room when I got the text.  I was like "Roomie.  WTF is going on?"  She tried for about 5 minutes to not tell me but she couldn't think fast enough and I was PANICING thinking something is wrong with Shell.  So then I text Jo about it.  Jo was in on it too.  So...at this point, I know that Roomie, Shell, Steph, Jo, Mom, & Dad are in on it.  HMMMMMMMMMMMM.  I was still told I'll have to leave the house for a little bit.  Don't know how/why.  I almost wish they pulled off the surprise because then I wouldn't have time to stress.  I wish I knew more about who was invited and stuff.  I don't know who the mastermind was yet, it was probably a collaberation with Roomie, Steph, and Shell.  Once Roomie had to tell me last night and Jo told me she was coming...they both have been VERY tight lipped and refuse to tell me anything else.  Earlier in the week, I texted a few of my friends asking what everyone had going on this weekend cause I needed something to do.  Everyone was busy.  We shall see who is at my party out of that group.  Roomie is at work and we keep texting, she's feeling like CRAP about ruining it.  LOL.

I'm babysitting Jax today.  He's being whiny and needy.  Its days like today that make me not like babysitting him.  Also, his inability to communicate doesn't help matters.

God is love!

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I can't believe my Dad actually believes 100% of the media regarding the MURDER of his friend.

Stress is plentiful right now.  Dad believe he'll be getting a large pay cut at work tomorrow.  They've tried to force him into retirement a few times in the past month.  I wish I wouldn't have talked to my Dad a few minutes ago.  The converstation was just negative.

I am just annoyed at life.

God provides, God doesn't give us more then we can handle.

God is love!

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I'm babysitting today.  I DO NOT want to.  I had a restless anxiety filled night where I literally looked at the clock AT LEAST twice an hour from midnight until 6AM.  Add in there where countless tossing and turning...taking the covers on and off, and reminding myself to breath.  Please pray that Jax is good for me today.

God is love!

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Ohio State of Mind

I'm a big fan of the TV Show the Bachelor/the Bachelorette. DeAnna and Jesse of the latest season were my favorite couple ever! Jesse from the minute he stepped out of the limo...I loved him! Someone that didn't feel the need to conform to the suit and tie gig, loved him. Well, in typical Bachelor/Bachelorett fashion the couple broke up. I'm sad for Jesse. Hey...Jesse. I'm single. ;-)

Lots going on in the Detroit sports front. The Lions are ummm 0-7 now. Just signed Culpepper. I'm sure he'll suck now that he's a Lion. The Pistons which have done decent lately...made a HUGE trade today to make Iverson a piston. For starters...the pistons are known to be a hard working team. Its pretty known that Iverson doesn't like PRATICE. I think the Pistons gave up to much (Billips and McDyess) for Iverson. I feel like Iverson is going to cause more trouble then its worth. Mike Babcock, the coach of my loved Red Wings, has benched Lebda because he had the worst plus/minus. Well, not that far from him is Maltby/Draper. Gonna bench them to? Doubt it. Just ERRRRRRRRRRR at Babcock right now. I want him to put Homer, Dats, and Hank on a line and leave them ALONE.

The media is all over the murder story regarding the man I knew. I'm getting annoyed at the errors in the story. Still, no idea when funeral arrangements will be taking place.

God is love!

Grateful For Your Love

While the thought of moving back to my parents house SUCKS HORRIBLY, some parts of it suck worse then others.

When considering any move, my thoughts have always been...
1) Church
2) Job
3) Friends & family

Well...since I don't have number two at all, just whatever on that subject.

Number three...I'll be closer to my parents and younger sister but terribly far from my friends and the rest of my family. I've got a few friends near my parents house but really NO ONE I would pick up the phone and say "Let's grab dinner." The thought of being 60+ miles from my friends (and even more from some!) crushes me. They have kept me alive and sane.

Number one. Number one is a Church. Jesus Christ is the MOST IMPORTANT part of my life, hands down!! Without Him, I'm nothing. Without Him, I'm LOST. Having a Church to call home, to call part of my family has been an important part of what makes me click since I was 12. Obviously, I'm NOT perfect and have struggled in this fight more times then I'd like to count. But, with that said...I need a Church, I need the support of a Church family. Moving back to my parents, I don't have a clue where I am going to get that. I've been praying about it. I've talked with my Dad about it. I've prayed about it some more. I hit my knees in pray about it because I'm just at a loss.

The Church I was attending when I lived at my parents house before, isn't the place for me. God has made that clear as can be. David's Friends folded so I can't even cling onto that. I tried a Church near my parents house but I don't think I fit there. A little to traditional for me, at least service wise. There is a Church that lots of people from my parents Church have switched to that isn't that far...I could try that but I think it might be to small for me. Jo's old youth pastor is now a pastor at a Church to the north of us a little bit. I might try there. I don't know. There is a Church a distance away that might work. I just don't know.

While I'm talking about this lack of a Church thing. I would like to point out to other Church going Christians...there is an area of Christians we are FORGETTING about. The single, child-free adults are FORGOTTEN. There is so little for us to do, to get involved. It sucks! Now, I LOVE Children and do find myself working with them more often then not...but there isn't anything for us single child-free adults to interact with others like us. When you are as social-phobic as I am...this is a HUGE problem. I go to Church alone, sit there alone for the service, leave alone and return next Sunday for the same thing. Its times like this that I miss Jo more then she can imagine.

God is love!

Memories of Green

I just got off the phone with Mom. She asked me how I was and my answer was "Fine." Its usually fine. Which we know means, I'm alive. Not good but alive and I don't want to talk about things. She then asks "T, are you ever TERRIFIC these days?" We have a very strong don't ask/don't tell policy...but when you ask, I've got to give you the truth. Once in awhile, you can plead the 5th...but NOT often.

So, when posed with the "Are you ever terrific these days?" question, I had to say No. Mom being the up beat person she usually is responded with a "Well, remember you will be again!"

Do you know how heart breaking it is to tell you Mom (who, remember...some days doesn't have a clue what is going on!) that you think life sucks? I know she would do ANYTHING in the world to make my life better, different, easier.

God is love!

Say It

Don't really have a lot to say...but I should say something.

Someone I've known since I was about 1o-12 years old (started to know them VERY well when I was in 8th grade) was MURDERED on Saturday. Shot and killed. MURDERED.

This family (Mom, Dad, and 2 sons) lost the older son in 2001 in a drunk driving accident and now the Dad has been MURDERED.

My heart is breaking. When Shell told me yesterday, I literally couldn't put together a sentence for awhile. I had to call my Dad and tell him one of his friends had been MURDERED.

Of course, the media is all over this story. Of course, there is plenty of non-accurate info going around. That ANNOYS me.

I've dealt with death many times before. I've NEVER dealt with MURDER before.

God is love!