You Do Your Thing

Happy New Years.

My mood is like the Millienium Force X20 right now, actually it has been ALL day.

ST just signed online. I can't even IM him, I want to, but I can't. I just want to pour my heart on him and tell him whats really going on. I'm doing my best to just let him be. Keeping my mindset that when he realizes things or whatever, he knows where I'm at and that I will ALWAYS welcome him as my friend, with open arms. Maybe about 8 months from now he'll find himself in the shower one morning singing "If I could Turn Back Time" by Cher.

To me, New Years has always (okay, since I was 16 or so) been a mushy type holiday. Its actually the only semi-lovey dovey holiday I really like. The 1st NYE that ST & I were together, I was REALLY upset that he was out of town. Doing nothing today isn't bothering me at all (actually I'm enjoying it basically) its the being alone that I am hating.

If someone would have asked me 6 months ago, what I would be doing tonight, I can safely bet you that the answer wasn't sitting home without ST. ERRRRRRRRRR. I just want to yell, scream, and cry that I hate him dammit. But I don't, I love him and miss him. Hate is probably the farthest thing from the truth regarding my thoughts and feelings about ST.

I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep and remember last New Years. Those are some great memories.

Okay...someone kick me now. Tell me that everything happens for a reason, It wasn't meant to be, I am stronger then I know, His loss, etc. anything and everything to boost (even artifically right now, I don't care) my dying self esteem.

Around Me

My boys aren't babies anymore. JM & TOY are quietly and happily playing XBox in Jo's bedroom as I type this. I did get them the coolest gift that came from this house. Score Aunt T! Model remote controled airplanes. Tie died shirts were huge hits too!

I'm off to do some shopping. Joy. 2 (maybe 3) things to return and lots to buy! TOY keeps telling me "All you are going to do is waste money on clothes." Well duh.

Jail House Rock

My Dad lied! My mom knows 95% of what is going on right now. She's in a terrible mood, which makes Mom-sitting such a joy. I'm glad she snores so loud when she's not doing well. I can actually finally come upstairs, since I know she's sleeping. Mom stops snoring and I go downstairs.

I'm quite tired today, which isn't good for Mom-sitting. I did finally force myself to eat something, so I'm not as bad as i was. I just don't do well on 3 hours of sleep. Is it 23:30 yet? Please!?!?!?

Still haven't gotten time to make that darn banana milkshake!

Wahoo. Mom is sleeping. Jo isn't home. I can scrapbook, in peace & quiet and make all the mess I need all over this room! Floor and both desks, of course! Oh wait, I gotta put away the scrapping stuff I got for Christmas. I need a bigger room!

Blue Suede Shoes

Boy oh boy. Things just keep getting better here all the time.

My Grandma just called to let us know they arrived in FL okay. Her cousin (basically her own blood family in state) is in the hospital on a respirator. Cousin has Lou Gerhgig's diesease, is feed via a feeding tube, has had a hip replace, a stoke too I think. It doesn't look good.

Dad & I just talked about Mom. She's sleeping right now. She'll probably (read: hopefully) sleep most of tonight and tomorrow morning at least. Dad is FINALLY admitting some things regarding Mom's health, with (it sounds like) Mom's pushing. He's realizing that the days of us handling her ourselves is nearing the end and that some type of in home care is going to be needed soon. He also did mention we have to think about, and figure out, at what point we aren't going to be able to handle her here and will need to put her in a nursing home. Talk about a downer.

Mom had plans with my Aunt tonight, but she can't go, obviously. Dad has to bowl...don't dare screw with bowling. That means I get to Mom-sit. I don't want to Mom-sit today. God, I really need you to give me the strength in every way to deal with her tonight.

JM & TOY are coming over tomorrow morning. Yipppppppeeeeeeeee! I am SO excited to see my boys and spend time with them! I haven't spent quality time with them since Labor Day Weekend. I'm very nervous for them to see/deal/interact with my Mom while she's doing bad. Those boys have been through a lot lately, I know if I was 6 or 9...I couldn't handle much more.

Its okay to hurt, its okay to cry. There's more to the song, but that's the line that is stuck in my head. If I only knew the title. Its a Patty Loveless song, I think.

The minute Mom wakes up tonight, I'm making a banana milkshake. Yummmy.

Maybe We Should Just Sleep On It

Overdose X2. I'm stressed, worried, and annoyed all at once. Annoyed with my Dad is actually an understatement. When is he going to realize we can't do this to her?????????????? Yes, some days Mom totally knows what is going on but there are many days she knows little and some days she knows nothing. The who/what/where/when and why of Mom taking 28 pills today (28 extra pills, all one type...on top of the 30+ pills she takes daily to stay alive) will probably never be known, but if she didn't have access to them, it wouldn't be a problem. I guess I'm going to have to put my foot down and get nasty with my Dad about Mom's meds. I really don't want the responsiblity of them, but apparently I need to take it, since he can't handle it properly. (Note...he also has "misplaced" 60 pretty major painpills) I feel like Dad is playing Russian roulette with my Mom's life.

I just talked with P. She's going out of town. I want to go. I bet she's going where its warm. I want away. I want away from it all.

God is good. He doesn't give me more then I can handle.

On Bended Knee

Reason #1 to really put thought and prayers into this moving out with KC idea:

I could make banana milkshakes at 9:30pm if I felt like it. Not that I would have a blender, but hey...KC likes mudslides, I bet she has one.

Desperado

Okay, I have to catch my blogger up to date with the current happenings, rants, thoughts, etc going on in my brain and life. Thankfully I don't have a very exciting life these days.

The night of the 23rd, I couldn't get my digital camera to unload to save my life. I finally gave up and played around a little on Christmas Eve, to no avail. I decided I was going to uninstall the scanner, my camera software and then re-install my camera software. Christmas morning (before gifts and everything) I'm going to get this done so I have room for pictures. Well, I close AOL and the computer freezes. Hmmmmm. Well, I restart the computer and am greeted with some stupid "blue screen of death" error. Joy. Dad plays around with it a little and can't even get it to load into SAFE mode or whatever. Not many pictures of Christmas Day. Oh well.

Christmas Day was pretty uneventful and typical of most Christmases of my life time. My parents, Jo, and I opened gifts. I was more excited about Jo opening 1 of her gifts then I was any of mine. My Dad made her a frame to a very fancy Red Wings thing she got (and had stored in her closet) a few years ago. It turned out very nice and she loved it. She was TOTALLY surprised. She didn't even notice the item missing from her closet for the past 2 months. Gift opening was followed by our annual Christmas breakfast (that I can't stand!). My mom's parents joined us for that. As soon as I was done I came upstairs to hide and pray. I have major issues with my Gpaw. I spent the next hour or so in my room just praying. It was nice and peaceful. Then the 4 of us, made the 1.5 hour drive to my Aunt & Uncle's house to celebrate Christmas with my Dad's family. Joy. Visited, ate, open gifts, visited, went cruising in my just turned 16 year old cousin's new car, then left. (sweet car...I think I might get myself one, the new Pontiac G6) My Grandma & I did a little bit a preaching at that 16 year old cousin, in a good constructive way, of course.

Sunday morning was spent at Church. Jo and I got to (didn't have much of a choice...she was pushing it to the second!) sit behind Red. For the life of me, I can't remember what else I did on Sunday. Oh yeah, I remember (10 minutes later). I went to the funeral viewing of my friend's dad. Sad. I hate those things.

Monday was back to the grind stone of work. Joy. This week is BY FAR, the slowest week of the year at work. We have 1/4 of our department off all week, and I'm still BORED 95% of the time. If I wasn't poor, I wouldn't be working this week. Monday when I picked up my paycheck from the week before, I had a nasty note with it from the crazy attendance lady. Better be careful for awhile. Pisses me off because before when I cared less about my job and just called in/didn't show up all the time, they didn't say crap. Now that I bust my butt and only miss days I can't control, they are all over me.

KC is trying to get a job with me. It would be SO cool to work with her again.

I spent a good amount of time lately praying for other people's relationship with God. When I was in HS, I spent a lot of time praying the same pray (not for the same people). I just want everyone to know and understand how awesome God is and have a great relationship with him like I do.

Yesterday I had counseling. I had to mentally fight with myself to go. I had all positive things to say. Towards the end Laura asked if I was fronting her, cause she knows I can. I can honestly, to this lovely blog, say No, I wasn't fronting her. Things are truly going well. Don't get me wrong, I have my days, my moments, where things suck...but all and all, I can't complain. I'm going to think/pray about things for the next 2 weeks and then make a deciision if I'm going to continue to see Laura (out of my own pocket) once a month or just discontinue for now (knowing I can go back anytime).

I didn't go to Chruch tonight. Tisk tisk. I know. Last time I went on a Wednesday it was on the verge of my comfort level and that was with Jo and Mom. I was planning on going with Mom, but Mom wasn't up to going and Jo is out of state for the next few days. I couldn't dare handle Wednesday's alone yet.

Peace, Love, and Banana Milkshakes to all!

Carry On

Wahoooooooooooooooooo!

My computer is fixed! Its been a long few days without it. Bill R. rocks! He fixed it and didn't lose anything on the computer!

More later.

Jingle Bell Rock

Miracles do happen! I had 2 nice IM's going at once. Not that big of a miracle really...but since the converstations were with ST and P, its a small miracle.

As long as I keep ST out of sight, out of mind, I'm doing okay. The moment I talk to him, the moment I realize that my I'm moving forward, is really just a figment of my imagination. I miss him, I love him, I want him. Talking with him online tonight really reminded me that as much as I miss him and our relationship, I miss MY FRIEND. I'll get through this. I haven't lost faith yet, that some day we will be able to be friends again.

Jo & I got to the Catholic Church at 11:30, we got the last 2 seats in the entire place, in the last pew, behind a pole and it was BARELY 2 seats. I'm proud of me, I stepped out of my comfort zone and lived to talk about it.

Shell IM'ed me earlier and told me J got her something from the jewelry store. So much for his "I'm not buying anyone anything from the jewelry store" line he tried to feed me 2 weeks ago. I didn't get to talk to her. Anyone want to take a guess? I'm going with it wasn't a ring, cause she would have called me by now.

Merry Christmas Ya'll. Remember Jesus is the reason for the season.

O' Come All Ye Faithful

I'm giddy like a little kid on Christmas morning right now. Lots of little things have me just truly happy.

I heard from ST today. I called to wish him a happy holiday, got his VM. He called back but I was napping so I didn't answer. Yes, I'm a goof and have the VM saved because God only knows when I'll hear from him and his voice is a huge comfort to me.

My Dad & I talked for a couple of minutes today about ST and I, because apparently my Dad's family has been drilling him about it. It was really nice to be able to talk with him about it and not cry and also just let him know that it was as nice of a break up a basically possible. There was no lying, cheating, name calling, etc. I also think my Dad was happy to learn it wasn't MY doing this time. Later in the day my Dad was trying to set me up with guys at the grocery store. Gag.

My God is such an awesome God. I'm so happy my relationship with God is so great and continously growing in the correct direction. Church service this evening was one of the best I remember. It was pretty crowded. The music was excellent. Happy Birthday Jesus. Jo & I are going to go to the Catholic Church for Midnight Mass. Pastor said it a few weeks ago, and I 100% agree, I'm a Christian first, then a Nazerene.

As much as I miss and love ST, I'm starting to think I'm moving forward in the getting over him process. (Doesn't mean this entire process SUCKS)

Now, I know Jo is a faithful reader here. Great. But, oh well.

There is this boy. I get all giddy when around him. I chatted with him for a few minutes at Church tonight. I learned tonight that he's about 1.5 years younger then I thought he was, making him alot younger then me. Well...not a lot really, but a lot at this point in our lives. Have I mentioned that I love redheads? He does have a few downfalls though. 1) He acts like a know it all (yeah, I'm like that too) 2) About 8 months of the year he lives 300+ miles away.

Tomorrow will be fun. Hopefully Abby will be there. I need little kids to entertain me. Remember Jesus is the reason for the season.

Trying To Find Atlantis

Oh happy day. I don't really have much to type about. Ready to ramble.

My Mom barely knows what is going on. She doesn't remember making cookies last night and keeps screaming she needs to make cookies. She is SURE that Dad made the cookies alone (yeah, that would happen) or he bought them. All hell is sure to break loose tonight at her family Christmas shin-dig. Dad won't be there most of the time, which means I have to babysit. Joy. The 1st person to give me crap about how we take care of/deal with my Mom is going to get a real mouthful (and if Jo had her way, a fistful too). Mom is throwing a fit that Dad won't be there. He's got bowling, deal with it. I just can't understand why 26+ years into their marriage she still bitches about the same things. There are 3 things that my Dad does that you just do NOT mess with. 1) Autorama 2) Woodward Cruise (so that's only been happening 10 years) and 3) Bowling. Really, he's busy every Thursday night Sept - May, then 1 week in August and 1 week in Feb. Deal with it. Softball and hunting are of course, priorities...but those can be worked around a tad.

I have all my Mom's wrapping done. Heck, I even wrapped gifts of mine last night and didn't peek! Its in a small jewelry type box from JC Penneys. I'm guessing its a braclet. I was playing around with gifts that are under the tree. Jo got me a tons of scrapbooking paper, stickers, and 2 movies...at least, that's my educated feeling/shaking guess.

A friend of mine's father passed away on Monday. Its really been weighing on my heart. He'll be laid out on Sunday. I think part of the reason I can't get it out of my mind/heart is because of my Mom's always declining health. My heart just breaks for my friend and his family right now. I can't imagine trying to go thru the motions of the holidays without a parents, especially one that hasn't had an "official" goodbye yet.

My Mom was saying earlier today "What if this is the last Christmas I remember? I mean what if its the last Christmas I know who people are?" She knows her mind is going, and at this point comes and goes often. I didn't really reply. She doesn't remember the happening of Thanksgiving this year. I guess, we just cross those bridges when we get there. She's hoping she doesn't remember the mean parts of people when she forgets people. Only my Mom would think like that.

We got about 6-8 inches of snow. I want to make a snowman. No one wants to help but Mom and the dog. I'll take that as a no go.

Old Rugged Cross

I'm annoyed. Yes, that is the word of the day. I'm sad too, a little. I will NOT give in, I'm sticking to my guns. I've already helped more then I wanted to.

Okay, so this making cookie mess went down, I want NOTHING (and I mean NOTHING) to do with it. Dad came upstairs and asked for the receipes. I handed him 3 cook books (we had 6) and he walked away. Moron. I didn't finish giving them to you, and I didn't give you the specific reciepes that we had the ingredients for. So, about 10 minutes later Mom comes up stairs and is asking me questions about a snickerdoodle receipe. I didn't have the answer for her soon enough, so she went back downstairs. I then go thru my cookbooks to find the "right" receipe for her. On my way back upstairs, Dad is chasing after me. He wants to "talk" to me. I tell him, I don't want to talk and keep going. He forces me to stop on the stairs. He's whispering. I'm laying on the stairs, telling him I don't want to talk about it, leave me alone, etc. So he apologizes for yesterday (errrrrrrrr. Whatever. My blood is trying to stop boiling over it, just LET IT GO and LEAVE ME ALONE!) and then tells me "You don't know what Mom is going to be like next Christmas and she really wants you guys to do this together." I'm sorry but I can't except that "sympathy card" he's trying to play on me right now. I am VERY well award that we have no idea what my Mom's health is going to be like in a year but it doesn't take away my pissed-off-ness.

I'm also annoyed that I had to fight w/ Jo to get her to look for receipes to start with, had to drag her shopping, Dad wanted nothing to do with the whole process. I was doing it all to keep Mom happy, now all of a sudden Jo & Dad are helping her bake the cookies and I'll look like the bitch that does nothing in this house.

I'm so glad I work tomorrow. I'm aiming for 10 hours.

Three Wooden Crosses

My family was just discussing the upcoming holiday events. Have I mentioned lately that I hate wasting my time? Have I mentioned yesterday that JJ isn't my favorite person?

Someone (Mom or Dad) has this great idea that we (being those within my house) should pick JJ up on Christmas day. The drive to my Aunt's house is 77 minutes (all according to mapquest). The drive to JJ's house is 65 minutes, then another 54 minutes to Aunt's house. Add in that JJ is NEVER ready, smokes, just bugs me, etc. I think I'll be riding alone to Aunt's house.

Once again, Merry Christmas. Remember Jesus is the reason for the season.

Oh yeah...I think I might go to Church 3 times on Christmas Eve, my family is looking at me like I have 10 heads. 1) to our Church 2) to a Chuch that is having a candle lit service 3) to midnight Mass at the Catholic Church. We shall see.

Red Strokes

One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is people wasting MY time. This is something that my Dad drilled into my head at a young age, and has stuck with me. Do NOT waste my time. Time isn't something I can get back, never, no matter what...its gone.

I was feeling the stress of the holidays yesterday. It wasn't a bad stress, actually, it was the kind of stress that motivates me. I had stuff to get done and a time frame to do it.

Monday's are skating w/ Kaleb days. Jo & I go, we get there and they aren't there yet. We wait about 10 minutes and Jo calls their house. Kaleb isn't going. I'm a tad annoyed that they didn't call me, but I'll get over it totally. (Have I mentioned that Kaleb's family are some of my favorite people in the world?)

Not having skating was actually a good thing really. I could get started on all the baking I had to do. Yeah, then shit hit the fan. I sunk to my family's level and was screaming and slamming doors. Yes, I'm annoyed with myself about it. Last week Mom was all over Jo & I to pick out cookie recepes, then go shopping, etc. Well when I started to get the stuff ready last night, her & Dad just started nit-picking on me for everything. Yep. I exploaded. So, I was in bed and asleep by 6:30pm. So I waste a good 4 hours last week playing around with cookies that I could have cared less about and was trying to handle to make my Mom happy.

This morning, I took all my cook books upstairs, but away the ingredients I already had out. I'm done. Mom then wants to talk about things. I try explaing to her, but forget it...I'm getting to upset, she's only seeing her side (shock shock, I have close minded parents). At least this time instead of sinking to the immature level of my house, I just went to the car.

Now that I don't have anything to do today...I'm going to SLEEP and Scrapbook!

Merry Christmas.

Joy to the World

I've been attending church a lot lately and doing my best to become active within this church. I'm giving this church a 100% chance to see if it works for me or not. I know God has a plan for me and I might not see/understand it. If this church doesn't work out best for me, there is a church out there for me. I almost went to church alone today (twice!). Jo didn't want to wake up this morning and I was content to go alone. Mom made her go. Then this evening Jo was having a fit because she couldn't find a sweater that she wanted to wear. She told me to leave, so I did. I was at the corner when Dad called and told me to come back. When the day comes for me to attend this church alone, it will be a HUGE step for socially phobic/aniexty freaking T.

Yesterday was my Christmas party with our friends. It has become an annual tradition that I look forward to. Sadly, the one having the party got sick, so plans changed a little bit...but all in all I had a good time. 14 of us went to dinner, then 6 of us went to the movies. Yes, you heard right ADHD T went to the movies. It wasn't a chick flick or comedy either. Obviously, it wasn't my choice thing to do but I lived to talk about it. I did see JV at where we had dinner. She didn't mention ST, and I didn't ask. You could tell we both wanted to say something but neither of us did. I miss him, I love him, but I'll survive.

I love bright colors, the brighter, the crazier, the better. I especially love all things tie-die. Yeah right. I am in the process of finishing a ton of shirts (and 1 onsie) for Christmas gifts. My mom gets these great ideas (because she likes how well my friends and mine turned out in October) but she can't get them done with her health. So about 11pm, I should be all done tie-dying shirts. I'm working (hopefully) 10 hours or so tomorrow, then going with Kaleb to skating. I should be home and done with dinner about 7:30pm, then I have to bake about 12 dozen cookies by 4:30am. Merry Christmas! Thankfully I'm off on Tuesday (but I have to go to the freaking dentist).

I think I'm going to start using some (thump thump) bible quotes in my titles too.

Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season.

I want to be a true red-head. Okay, actually orange. Yeah why are orange haired people called redheads not orange heads?

I'm drained. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. Drained. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm annoyed. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm lonely. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm bored. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm strange. Lots more, nothing less.

In about 14 hours now is my Christmas party with my friends. Yipppee! It starts at the resturant that JV works at. Joy. I hope I don't run into her. Just don't want to deal with her. I'm looking forward to seeing some people I haven't seen in years now. I'm looking forward to throwing back a drink or 2 (or 10). Don't worry world, I'm not driving...at least, not if I have 10 drinks.

About 12 hours ago, I had the pleasure of bowling. It was a make up from the weekend before. Joy. I was reminded again, why I shouldn't be so judgemental.

Also, just a friendly remind...if you are going to talk shit about someone, either say it TO them or say it with them more then 5 feet away.

I think my mom wants to go shopping in like 4 hours. I should get some sleep.

Oh yeah. I got a new ringer for my cell phone (its only for people not in my phonebook and assigned to my house #/parents cell phones). Its Sponge Bob! He says "Sponge Bob to the rescue!" Its the coolest thing I've wasted money on in a long time...and it wasn't that much. Only $2.49 or $4.98, or $7.47. I was having issues.

Joy to the World

16.5 hours later the garage door is open. Took Dad & I (along with the help of some lumber) all of our muscles and about 10 minutes of our time. I backed the car out and then we closed the door again. Anyone want to take bets as to how long the door stays broken for?

I did manage to get a few things done today. As long as I don't get in major trouble at work, all in all, it was a decent day. All my holiday gifts and cards are in the mail. I got the grocery shopping done and did some (more!) decorating for Mom. Mom slept most of the day. We have a feeling she OD'ed (again). I mentioned to Dad about me taking the medication 100% of the time. This is the 2nd time this has happened in less then 3 months. I'm at my whits end. With me being home so much lately there is no reason I can't handle the medication. As my Dad so nicely put it..."Yeah, you are a controlling Bitch, it might be a good idea." What a shocker...I'm controlling. I'm a bitch. Tell me something I don't know. Oh yeah...add in that I'm a cheap bastard.

Late last night, while I was trying to cry myself to sleep I was thinking about getting up and blogging about conditional friends. I was crying to much to blog. The friend that I was going to refer to came thru (again). I decided my #1 New Years resolution is going to be to work on my patients or lack there of.

I talked to P more today then I have in the past 2 months. I just want things to be socialable. She needs to borrow something tomorrow and then later we bowl. We shall see. I'll keep praying for her.

Christmas Cookies

I'm beyond annoyed right now. My mouth is still hurting me. Nearly 48 hours into antiboitics, I thought I would be feeling better. That isn't why I'm annoyed really. I should be starting work in an hour (at the latest) and I'm trapped at home. Literally trapped. The freaking garage door broke. No, I'm not a moron. Yes, I know you can open the garage door without the automatic opener. That's not the problem. The freaking spring SNAPPED. There is NO way to budge the door without the mighty spring. When I say the spring snapped...Jo & I had the door open about 2 feet (cause the automatic door opener wasn't working correctly) and it SNAPPED. Door SLAMMED down. Lovely. Freaking lovely. Mom paged Dad, Dad calls back and acts like a jackass. No shit Sherlock, I know how to open the door manually. That isn't the issue. So, now I get the pleasure of driving my car that shouldn't be driven to take Mom to the counselor and Jo to school. Yes, I can drive my car around town (even though it shouldn't be!)...big difference between town (maybe 20 miles round trip) vs going to and from work (about 130 miles round trip).

Oh happy day.

My Town

My head is going to explode with (sad) emotions. Today was Day 1 of Justin's viewing. My parents, Jo, and I picked JJ up on the way there. JM & TOY weren't going today. I got to see JM & TOY when we went in to get JJ. JM just leaped into my arms. I didn't want to let go of him. TOY even gave me a big ole' hug with no fighting. (TOY has the toothless grin right now...so cute!) I had not cried yet. I was hoping to make it 10 steps in the door before I started to cry. Upon entering I saw friends Watson & Candy. Now, Watson isn't a little guy...not at all. He was BAWLING! Yep...so much for that 10 steps, it wasn't even 3. Upon entering the actual veiwing room, I saw Justin's dad and oldest brother right away. The hugs they gave were so tight and sincere. My heart was just in a million pieces. I chilled in the back part of the room looking at pictures and hugging some of the family. I spotted John (JM & TOY's dad) across the crowded room. It felt like I ran over to him. He wasn't even standing up yet, as we started hugging...and crying together. Its okay to let the guard I was trying to have towards the whole event down. John provides such a comfort to me. He then introduces me to Watson & Candy. Hello...John. I've known them for the past, at least 10 years now. He introduces me to his gf (I've met her once before). John & JJ are so weird. I find it funny that his gf looks like JJ. I find is very funny that JJ is SO jealous of gf. Then, he tells me he tried to call me but got ST's voicemail. Apparently he never got my new cell number. He then asks about ST & I, good thing I was already crying. So, I give him my current number. He's so out of it...he puts the last name in as his neighbors last name (they are similar). Screw it...he'll fix it later. We chat for awhile. Then my family makes their way to John. I go to the casket. Justin looks so tiny. His hands aren't folded like most peoples are. His skin, especially on his hands just continues to remind me how young he was. This entire time Justin's mom is no where to be found. I visit with one of John's sisters for awhile (she was always my favorite, I used to babysit her kids back in the day). It was (sadly) nice to catch up with her. Her husband is now a full time pastor and her oldest son is attending his 1st year of college in TN. Holy moly! I babysat him. He can't be 18 & in college. A while later, I'm walking around. Who do I see at the door? The 18 year old I baby sat! He has turned into such a handsome well-mannered young guy. We were there about 2 hours. On the way out, I fought my way back to the casket to say another goodbye. But its not goodbye...its a ttfn.

Now I have an internal battle. I would like to go to the funeral. It would be good for me, and for my sister. I already missed 2 days work this week. I just don't know. I'm going to pray about it and then talk to Jess tomorrow. I feel like I'm pushing my luck. I'm only working 3 days next week.

My brain has been SO scattered. I missed counseling yesterday. I probably wouldn't have went because of my crappy mouth...but I would have called and cancelled. I don't skip appointments! I don't even know how to call and reschedule and stuff.

I'm taking my over tired, sad, but faithkeeping self to bed.

Rolling With My Homies

Today has just been a crappy day. I woke up in great pain. Yep, my (impacted) wisdom tooth is bugging me. I'll be at the dentist at 8:30am. Oh, happy day. I hate hate hate dentist.

My pain got put in prospective real quick.

Justin passed away this morning. He got to pass away at home, with (at least) his parents there. His Dad even carried Justin's lifeless body to the coroner's van. My heart just is broken. I know God has a plan, I just hate not understanding God's plan. No funeral arrangements have been taken care of yet. Its going to be a hard funeral. Do I pretend to act strong for JM & TOY?

RIP Justin!

No News

I hate not being able to blog from work. I have so little time at home lately, especially time to blog. I often have things where I'm like "Dude...I gotta blog about that." but when I actually get here, my thought is long gone.

Just got done decorating the Christmas tree. I'm willing to bet $5 that it will fall sometime this season. I can just TELL. Heck, I'm willing to be $2 that within the next 48 hours it falls. Jo refused to help (just call her bahhhhhh humbug!) so she had to clean our bathroom. Yes, she did a 1/2 assed job. Would I expect any less? I admit I don't clean often, but when I do...I'm so anal retentive, that its done VERY WELL.

Oh yeah, this Christmas Tree is COOL. It was cut down by yours truly! Yep, I did it all by MYSELF. Took probably double the time it would have took my Dad, but I was determined. Of course, I didn't drag it back to the car. Dad can have that job.

I ate bacon yesterday, by choice. I really don't like it...but I used to love it, so I'm trying. I don't think I'm going to try much more. See, here's the story. Back in 1998, during a (overly!) long family vacation...I ordered a sandwich without bacon, my dad created a scene saying I should order the bacon on the side. Long story short...Dad & Mom left me at the resturant. I walked along the highway back to the hotel (Mom came & got me about 1/2 way). So, bacon has been a huge TABOO subject since then. I'm always paranoid about bacon being on/with my food.

My bowling team didn't bowl today. Darn. Joe wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to drive 60 miles in shitty road conditions. We are making it up on Friday. Joy. Shell quit bowling Saturday night. She left at the end of the 2nd game. Her brother was being an ass to her. I feel bad for her. I think she feels bad for quitting because of me. We were both kind of keeping the other one there.

I wish I knew for sure, when ST was coming home. I don't know why it matters, I just want to know I guess. Some day, I know I will be able to look back at this entire situation and laugh...but right now, its eating away at me. According to a friend, 5 more months and I'll be over it. At this rate, I don't know how much of me will be left in 5 months.

I'm a Survior

The work week is over. Yipppeeeee. I was ready to through in the towel today by 10am. Thankfully the day got better as time went on. Enough about work this week!

Shell & I did dinner & shopping. Fun fun fun. At dinner I ran into JJ's ex-fiance. I learned some interesting stuff. My sister isn't as sweet & innocent as she wants everyone to believe. Ha. I didn't believe it anyways. I only spent $34! Go me. Shell, on the other hand spent like $300. See, teachers are overpaid!

Shell & I also stopped by J's house. I got to meet J's parents. They seem so nice. J's dad is just like him, a huge smartass. J needs to learn to be nicer to his mom! Boys.

Alright, I'm exhausted and have to be awake bright and early tomorrow for a long day of car repairing, Christmas tree shopping, and bowling.

Last Kiss

I went to church with Mom & Jo tonight. This definitly has me over my church quota for the week. I didn't enjoy myself as much as I have been on Sundays. I was hoping going tonight would help out my piss poor mood, but no such luck.

I'm back to having a large problem (nothing I won't figure out how to get thru!) being without ST. In my choice of titles, there are a few (two) songs that I avoid using like the plague. One is on the radio right now. I want to call him so badly. I know his phone isn't functioning, so I could call and just hear his voice on his VM...but I have a tad bit of standards...at least, for now.

I actually have some plans for the weekend. Friday night Shell & I are going to do something shopping and dinner. Then Saturday AND Sunday, we have to bowl. Yipppee. Wonder if anyone on my team will be there.

Here For The Party

I had a terrible day at work. I don't know why it was so terrible, it just was. From the moment I sat down, it sucked. I didn't work 9.5 again like planned. Darn.

The only other thing I have enough energy to comment on...is...I miss him. I couldn't make it thru a mushy TV show last night. I came to my bedroom just hystrical. I'm now writing to ST (the old fashion pen & paper kind of writing) about my deep down true 100% mixed feelings. I don't know if I'll ever give it to him, but getting it out might help. I love him and I miss him.

The Little Girl

Its Tuesday night now. Only 3 more days of work for the week. So far, this week hasn't been as terrible as we thought it was going to be. 1 more day of training, 1 day of total normalness, then Friday is the day. Friday shall be interesting. 3 departments become 1, along with a new phone system. My department of 58 will be a department of about 90. I was told today by the trainer of my current department that as soon as this week is done, she's resigning from her current position. She likes her job, she just doesn't want the amount of hours that come with it. She asked me if I would be interested in the position. She's going to recommend me directly to Jess & their boss.

I've woke up at about 4am for the past few nights now. I'm getting sick of it. I have to be to work at 8:30 tomorrow. If I wake up at 4am again, I'm just going into work super early. Heck, 9.5 hours vs 12 hours...close enough.

Since I'm #3 in seniority in my current dept, I got offered any time off I want (without pay, of course) during the 2 weeks of Christmas & New Years. So, ideally, I'll be off 12/23 & 24 and then 12/31. Chances are likely that we will be 100% closed on the 24th & 31st, but its still nice to know that I won't have to go there. Actually, since I am a nice person, I offered to work Christmas Eve if needed, because I won't have anything else to do...but play yahoo euchre.

Monday, it took me 2 hours and 18 minutes to get into work. Traffic was just NOT moving. The roads weren't that bad, wet mainly. I was a half hour late, good thing training was cancelled. Also, since training was cancelled Monday, I got to go with Kaleb to skating. I actually got to go hang out with him before hand too. Those boys are just so cute and adorable, temper tantrums and all. Chasing the 2 of them around for an hour was my dose of birth control for another few years. How the heck do I think I'm going to handle 6 kids super close in age?

I was putting my dinner dishes away, and stopped in Mom's bedroom to show her a page I scrapped last night. She starts telling me how she talked with the church secertary for me today, about volunteering at the homeless shelter and/or the food pantry. How nice of her. I'm very picky about the charities I support, and at this point in my life, those aren't charities I have it within myself to support. Heck, next thing I know, she'll bring up Habitat for Humanity. Yes, I don't think that is a charity worth my time/energy. Call me mean, call me whatever...that's just me.

I sent out an email on Sunday evening to some friends of mine, that I was missing addresses for. I've heard from everyone but 1 person. Hopefully, I hear something soon. I'm barely in contact with this person, and that REALLY needs to change.

Peace out dudes.

Nothing On But The Radio

I'm sick of not getting quality sleep! I barely catnapped from 12:30-3:00. Hopefully I'll sleep from 5-7. Two hours of quality sleep and I should be good to go. I'm dreading my long day of work today. Yes, I'm a baby. Yes, I can count on 1 hand how many times I've worked double digit hours in the past 3 years. (Its twice if you want to know) What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, I know.

I'm starting to think I won't find a church that 100% matches my views, just like I'll never find a politician that 100% matches my views. Next week, I'll most likely be going to my old church. I'm going to work on a list of questions/stuff that is bothering me to talk with Mike about. He can make sense to me when most can't, plus he knows the Pastor of the current church well, to know where he is coming from too.

I Wanna Talk About Me

My computer is jacked up. I'm 99% sure its got a virus of some sort again. Of course, ST is in a foreign country and SML is in the middle of no where. I just can't have the computer go out right now.

Tonight was interesting. Jo, Mom, and I went to church. After Church I had to stop at Meijer for 2 things. I come out and Mom isn't in the car. She & Jo got into a tiff, so she decided to walk home. Home is about 8 miles. Of course, I'm ready to string Jo by her ears. Mom doesn't know the way home really, she doesn't know her own name 1/2 the time. I mean, she was doing well today but not well enough to walk 8 miles, at 8pm, alone! I called Dad right away, he was on his way into town to help search for her. Finally, about 10 minutes later, I found Mom about 1/2 a mile from Meijer. She didn't fight with me at all about getting in the car. It surely was a silent trip home. We get home and she's apologizing to Jo. GIVE ME A BREAK!

I got most of my holiday cards ready to go out. I'm waiting on a few addresses, but I guess I'm going to send out what is done tomorrow.

Mom got a phone call from a long lost friend of hers today. They talked for nearly 2 hours. It was so cute because Mom was all giddy for hours after the converstation. This friend is leaving for FL for the winter soon, so we won't see her until the Spring. I'm so looking forward to seeing her again. This is the lady that taught me to tie my shoes! This is the lady that I hated when I was younger because at her house you had to eat all your food.

I just noticed ST was online. Why did I have to IM him? People tell me I should take him off my list, but that won't work...cause I'll know he's off my list. Yes, I'm goofy.

I'm off to research who Doris Day is.

I Miss You This Much

Today was fun, I guess. Went to the Christmas parade in town. Definitly small town USA! Mom did very good there! She even recognized 3 people from a distance, sat when she needed to, and was just generally easy to deal with today.

I made us a nice dinner today. Everyone basically liked it. Miracle. Yes, the chicken was cooked all the way.

We just got done spending about 2 hours working on indoor holiday decorations. Jo was really pissing me off. She wouldn't help. Mom & Dad bitch about it, yet don't make her help. I'm sure we will spend more time tomorrow working on indoor decorations. Dad is working weekends right now, so who knows when/if the outdoors will get done and who knows when we will get a tree. I also have to find time to help get my Grandma a tree. If I didn't have enough things going on in my head.

Can't decide if I am going to church tomorrow or not. I still have an attitude probably about last Sunday night.

I decided it isn't fair to myself or anyone right now for me to attempt dating. I have way to many issues within my head regarding ST. My ability to trust anyone in any aspect is 100% gone. I have a wall built up to the entire world. The one & only person that I totally trusted with my everything killed my ability to trust anyone in any way. I can't date when everyone's every thought, move, word, etc will get compared to ST (and will come up lacking to ST.) In a few other past relationships it was easier to finally, really get over the person because they were assholes. ST is not. ST is a good guy. I miss him dammit. Some day, the pain will ease, I pray.

Mom talked to JJ and my phews tonight. I talked to TOY for a few minutes. He's just to cute. He wants a drum set and guitar for Christmas. Its up in the air if they will be around for the holidays right now. Their cousin Justin, is fighting his last days. The entire situation breaks my heart.

Okay, going to pray. Peace dudes.

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You

Boy, that's a long title.

Not to much here to type. A bunch of depressed babble in my head.

I got 2 Christmas cards in the mail today. I love the people to death, but it just depressed me. They both have new love interests since this time last year. One person had confetti in her card. I'm doing my cards tomorrow. Guess who's getting the same confetti back?

Being alone sucks. I hate it. It has its advantages, but the disadvantages carry the weight. I know I will make it thru this...but is SUCKS. Yes, I type something similar nearly every day.

I realized that I will have to miss Kaleb's skating on Monday. Darn work. Next week, I have to work AT LEAST 43.5 hours. Its going to be 43.5 hours of WORKING. Yes, I like my job and I'm grateful I still have it.

My Last Name

Well, I don't have that job security yet. I thought I would have it today, but now its still up in the air. Since I made it this far, I have faith...not alot, but enough. Now, ideally by 12/23 I'll know how secure my job is. Ha. Yeah right. I've worked at this place long enough to know to not hold my breathe.

I chatted with a few quick minutes with ST last night. He couldn't stay online long, that dialing in from a foreign country thing can't be cheap. I was glad to know he got there okay, and also that he understood what I was saying the 1st time about the plane crashing. He was almost tap dancing to make sure he didn't say something to upset me. Interesting. I probably won't talk to him at all (online or on the phone) until the holidays. One day at a time.

I'm SO smart! Okay, I'm so smart with a little help from SML. I figured out how to connect and scan pictures with the scanner my parents have had (and not used) for nearly 3 years now. I had to bug SML for help switching the file from .bmp to .jpg. Now, I'm good to go. Now, I can scrap all the old polaroid pictures from the 80's.

Monday Morning Church

Tomorrow its back to the grind stone of work. I personally like the work 3 days, have 4 off, work 1, have 2 off gig. I can just tell the morning is going to suck! Last load of laundry is in the washer, then its BED TIME!

I had counseling today. Boy, did Laura tear me a new asshole. Of course, she did it in a good, Laura type way. I could sense myself getting angry at her a few times, but I know that usually when that happens, I'll understand it later. I've got to work at getting a better support system in place. This surface level game I'm playing with almost everyone doesn't really work. One day at a time. I go back in 2 weeks.

Exciting news of the day...I shaved. Really exciting part...I didn't cut myself.

She Thinks His Name Was John

For the enquiring minds out there, no I didn't go bare legs to the theatre. Actually, I didn't wear a skirt. Shaving is over rated.

Today is another vacation day for me. Yipeeee. I have a ton of nothing important to do. I do have counseling this afternoon. Dad just called and said the roads are so bad that we shouldn't go anywhere unless its an emergency. Right Dad. Good thing I haven't really 100% listened to you my entire life.

People Get Ready

So, I felt the need to send ST a text message at about 6am today. Why you ask? Because I was feeling like shit over something that I said yesterday. Okay, here's the deal. He leaves today for a far away business trip in a forgein country. I called him yesterday evening (shortly after he got off work, before leaving for the theatre). I wanted to tell him to have a safe trip, be careful and all that jazz. I'm TERRIBLY afraid of flying. I asked him "So, what if your plane crashes?" He laughingly told me "What if I crash right now?" (he was driving home from work). He assured me he wasn't scared and he knows how I dislike air travel. Later, I started thinking about our converstation and I realized I sounded kinda mean or snotty with the plane crashing comment. So, since I was awake in a semi-panic attack at 6am, I sent him the text message. I would have called but I wasn't sure he was awake or what not. So, anywhooooo...I hope he's having a good flight and all that jazz.

The night at the theatre went 10 times better then I was anticipating! Mom did GREAT! This morning she still remembers many parts of our trip. She's foggy about the trip home, but that's okay. She remembers the fancy building, theatre, and the show itself. Everyone really liked the production, even my Dad! Our seats were GREAT! For a grand total of under $19, we enjoyed a great show, got myself keychain, paid for parking, got a soda and snacks. Not bad at all. Now to win more cool stuff!

The program noted a few other shows coming. Off to price tickets to the Disney thing that looks cool.