He Will Carry Me

Okay, fu*king links aren't working. ERRRRRRRRRR. I'm going with it has something to do with this computer being jacked. Oh well. That's life. Roll with it.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Give Me Words To Speak

I went to my parent's house yesterday afternoon. Forgot the tupperware. ERRR. I forgot it cause I didn't make a list. I need to write EVERYTHING down or forget it! I didn't tell Mom I was coming. She was SO surprised & excited. I should've had my camera out. I visited my cat & got my pictures, which was what I went for. Grabbed a few other things to. I was in & out in less then an hour (and it takes about 75 minutes in the car, one way). Just didn't need to deal with some of the crap there. I'm starting to feel like JJ, where I don't want to deal with stuff in that house/family...but its totally different issues. Its much easier to just NOT deal with things then to upset myself or get everyone pissed at me.

Knowing I had NO plans for the night & couldn't handle sitting home, I shot a text to Butt. We play the texting game on my drive home. So, Butt & I grabbed dinner at Joe's Crab Shack (then took carry out back to her mom who just got home from work. It was so nice to see her Mom. Butt is one of my best friends from HS, so her Mom often was the 2nd mom type.) Then we headed to the movies to see Knocked Up. It was fun & a little sappy. Just what I needed. I managed to sit thru the entire movie without peeing! Go me!!! I managed to make it 14 months or so without going to the movies. Wahoo. Will probably be another year before I go back. I made $8.50 to see that movie. The night before I rented a movie for $1.06 that I could pause and go pee in the middle of. But, I did have a good fun night out with my girl Butt. It was nice cause I could vent about my family to someone that knows & understands my family and I could vent about my friend and his family since she knows them too. (I can't often vent to Shell as much as I'd like to since she's married into that family)

I didn't go to Church today. The alarm went off at 10:00 (note, I was in bed asleep by 01:00) and I just couldn't make myself get up. Bad bad bad of me!

God is love!

Blessed Be Your Name

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

So, that part about this computer SUCKING! So, I spent a long time adding lots of links to my last post (some I removed, cause they weren't working) then I realized like NONE of them are working. I don't add links often, but I do it often enough that I know how to! ERRRRRRRRR. I'm annoyed to say the least, but I don't have enough energy or something to care.

I'm going to watch The Breakup (or at least, attempt that...because to watch it on the TV in the living room, I have to use the PS2...or I'm watching it on my portable DVD player)

In the grand scheme of life, most things don't matter...ESPECIALLY the little things....like links in my random venting blog about nothingness.

God is love!

Lifesong

So, my friend is gone for a few days. Okay, whatever...BUT of course, I get home from work today and the computer is jacked up! So, now all weekend I've got to deal with a jacked up computer. Hopefully he can fix it easily. If he has to spend a long time of his vacation fixing this device...he's NOT going to be happy. Its taking me 2 times as long to do things because nothing is how it used to be. I was planning on doing some scrapbooking tomorrow & Sunday...hopefully I can still get my pictures to print!

I've been very mentally unstable lately. I wish I knew why...but I don't. That's life. My Dad even caught on somehow, and is totally on my case again. He has called me every day lately. EVERY DAY. My Dad is not a phone person. Physically, I haven't been feeling great, so it takes a toll mentally, then the physical & mental healths just work together to make me feel terrible. I've cried not stop, over nothing. I would much rather do nothing then anything. Its been a roller coaster too. I'll think I'm doing better and BAM. Try again.

All my crazy mental issues aside, things are going very well with my friend. Last weekend he did great regarding spending time with my family. He's been doing a great job at the little things again, and he's just a sweetheart & I couldn't ask for more. Like I said, he's gone for a few days. He's on vacation of 11 days, so he decided to go visit family on the other side of the state for 4 days. Today, when I walked into our bathroom & his stuff was all off the counter, my heart sank (in some mushy girly way). That's when I really realized, I can't see my future without him by my side.

I was going to add pictures from last weekend (but see that part about this computer not working correctly) and my pictures aren't accessable. I'm NOT happy!

I MIGHT go out to my parents tomorrow so I can get the pictures I need off their computer. I bought a new 2.0GB Flash Drive so I can get them easily. Plus, it will give me lots of room to back my pictures up for awhile. It was on sale too! Happy girl.

Tonight, on night 1 of being alone...I watched the Tigers game (much more to come on them!), ordered pizza/salad, and rented a movie. They messed up my salad MAJORLY (but I didn't melt down over it!) I haven't watched my movie yet. I've got a ton of small household chores and crap I should do over the weekend...but we will see. I have NO real plans...and I LOVE it!

So, my beloved Detroit Tigers. I love them dearly. Always have, always will. They are off to a great start. Their offense is unstoppable! Now during last off season, they got rid of one of my favorite relievers. Jamie Walker is now with Baltimore & doing well. Now, that leaves (I'm just talking about pitching...cause my Tiger is Brandon Inge) my favorite starting pitcher Mike Maroth (who didn't get to play alot last year & none in the playoffs due to a injury that required surgery) and my favorites out of the bullpen...Jason Grilli and Wilfredo Ledezma. Ledezma got a few starts here & there last year & this year, covering for injuries & extra rest. WELL...my favorites of the Detroit Tigers pitching staff has gone to hell!! Starting on 06/20 Ledezma is now with the Atlanta Braves. On a happy now for Wil...Tigers played the Braves tonight. Wil got to pitch 1 inning & struck out the side! HA! I love when we let someone go & they come back to kick us! Then to make matters worse for ME...Maroth becmes a Cardinal. Blah. I understand the game & business of baseball...but for me, the fan. I'm not happy. We got Kenny Rogers back from the DL today (1st game of the season), so we needed to make room for him in the rotation. I know more Tiger pitching changes are coming because Nate Robertson will be off the DL next week. I just want things normal & steady. No one gets hurt, the bullpen starts doing better...and I'll be a real happy camper. If Grilli goes, I just might CRY!

God works in great ways! As I said, I've been a wreck lately. Wednesday, I had a bad headache & a bloody nose that wouldn't stop so I left work. Came home & just focused on relaxing (which I suck at!). I was just going up one crazy wall & down the next. WEEEEE. Not fun. Well, at about 19:20, I'm sitting on the couch (probably watching baseball) and my phone rings. Its a number that isn't in my phonebook (which I normally don't answer), but I answered without thinking about it. Its a man from the Church I've been attending (and have been struggling with feeling "at home" their). I've been filling out their welcome cards for months, with no one contacting me. I'm NOT the kind of person that is going to get involved without someone holding my hand at first. I go to Church sit alone, talk to no one, leave alone. Its what I do. Well, this guy called to see how I was doing, get to know me some, welcome me to the Church, gave me his home # to call him or his wife (he sounded old enough to be my Dad or older) if I need anything or someone to listen or pray with ever. I didn't think a lot about the call. My Mom then called 5 minutes later to check on me. I was telling her about the guy from Church calling and she was like "Amazing time. God knows you are in need." I was like "You are right. God's timing. God is good!" This man invited me to seek him out after the next service (he's very active in this large Church, he said any greeter would know him/his wife). I might just have to do that...but its a little outside my social box.

This is one long post. I'm still ANNOYED this computer is jacked up!!!!!!!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

My Song Of Praise

This deserves a post of its own!

My nephew JM is 12 today! SCARY! He is turning into such a fine young man. I couldn't be more proud of him. I remember the day he was born so well.

My sophomore year of high school just ended. JJ was due June 20th. It was a Thursday night & about 22:00 John called & said he thought the baby would be coming soon, he'd keep us updated. About 2 hours later, he called back & said JJ's water broke, her contractions were staying regular & the doctor said to bring her in. (OMG! I can't believe 12 years later, typing this is making me cry!) Mom & I got to the hospital at about 02:00, JJ & John were settling in. Shannon (JJ's best friend) joined us shortly. JJ was in rip roaring BIT*H form. She seriously is lucky no one killed her. Of course, only my Mom had been thru childbirth before but JJ was pissing everyone off bad. We took turns napping, dealing with JJ. At some point she got her epidural & became a whole new person! (Personally, as someone with a childbirth obsession now, I think she just didn't have a clue how to cope with the pain. She was doing nothing to make things better. Just yelling at everyone.) At about 09:00 they decide she's ready to start the pushing process but there isn't a doctor there. She was having a difficult time fighting the urge to push. Finally at about 10 or 11, a doctor finally gets there. Mom & I leave the room. Maybe 15-30 minutes later, we hear everyone screaming & crying...then we here the precious sound of JM's first cry. Yes, when they opened the door to let us back in, we just about fell in the room, cause we were leaning against the door. It wasn't until John took us over to see JM that we new JM was JM...not Alexandrea. He was adorable as long as you left that little knit hat on his head. He had the worst cone head ever! (They ended up using the vaccum thing to finish getting him out.)

Its funny because now, we all (including JM) joke about his cone head. It was BAD! It was fine within a month or so. JM will tell everyone he was the ugliest of the 3 as babies.

At that time, my Dad & John played on a softball team together. John was in charge of the team. Well, Friday night was game night. John didn't go to the game that day. The team was all of John's friends & family. It was so cool getting to go to the game & tell everyone JJ had the baby. We got Burger King to eat on the way to the game & my whopper was gross. That's why I didn't eat red meat for 10 years. Its the reason I still don't really like hamburgers or ground beef.

Happy Birthday 12th JM!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

The One Thing

I've been promising pictures since I have a new camera. I've put these up on my myspace...but I'll put them here too.

The one is my friend making breakfast. At this point, about 12 hours into having the camera he was getting tired of me taking pictures of him. The other one is ME just lounging around. My friend thought he needed to figure out how to use the camera too.

My friend is currently downstairs taking a nap cause he was having a Princess T type meltdown about breakfast this morning. We have no milk so he couldn't make eggs or crepes like he wanted to. Pancakes or waffles wouldn't do...neither would me offering to go get milk or to take him out to breakfast. His mood better turn around before the graduation parties. I hate when he acts like me. Its annoying. Does that mean I'm annoying?

We went out to dinner & Kohling last night. I did good. I spent less then $70. I got a birthday gift for JM, 3 tops & a pair of crop pants. Buying clothes is frustrating! It makes me mad at myself because I let myself put so much weight back on. But I'm over that. Clothes not being the same SIZE was the real annoying part! The crop pants I bought were a size 10 and fit well. I tried on other pants in a 14 and they didn't come close to fitting. I tried on some tops in mediums & they fit fine (I bought 2 medium tops & 1 large)...yet some extra larges were to small. I hate cloth shopping. Probably why when I find something I like I buy it in every color and wear my clothes until they are way out of sytle & worn out!

God is love!

More

Things in life has calmed down since I typed last. It was a ROUGH weekend, to say the least. Saturday morning, I decided I needed to talk to my friend regarding his wedding pictures. I had a week to calm down about it. Plus, all of my readers knew about my issue, plus ST, Shell, Steph, and J. It wasn't fair to my friend. He was really understanding. We talked about it for a bit and were done with it. THEN we were going to Roe's BBQ. He couldn't/wouldn't get ready. He was driving me NUTS (note...he didn't go out for my friend/his sister-in-law Shell's birthday the night before). I was literally getting SICK TO MY STOMACH about it. He ended up getting ready but not without pissing me & J off. All was fine in the end. Had a good time at Roe's BBQ. I miss her SO much. Game night later, was fine.

Get home from game night & we are exhausted. I start to melt down about all the issues that have been bugging me. Basically he fell asleep after telling me we'd talk about things tomorrow & I cried myself to sleep. Well, Sunday came, I went to Church (which was great!!!), got home & it appeared like things were fine, but I knew they weren't. So, I was like "We need to finish talking". We sat at the top of the stairs (its one of my 2 favorite places in this house to just be/think). WOW. We were at the top of the stairs for much longer then either one of thought we would be. TALKING. TEARS. YELLING. You name it, it was there. Its nice because we both can only admit our faults. At one point, I got so upset, I was just DONE. What I was done with, I didn't know...but at that moment all crying, yelling, talking, being upset, etc was just DONE. At one point, my friend said something SO harsh, that cut to the core. Actually, its this line that just made me DONE. He said "I'll never love anyone as intensely as I loved exwife." Now, many hours later we were able to clarify that was just a piss poor word choice during a not that hot of a converstation. All is well & fine now...but its taking alot out of me to NOT walk out of this relationship in the moments of trial.

Onto other topics...I'll get to see my family 2 days in a row. Saturday is my little cousin's graduation party (Dad's side of the family). Sunday, Mom's side of the family is having a BBQ for Father's Day. I'm excited. Glad I only see them every so often though. I am VERY UPSET that my older sister and her children will not be attending any of the family activities. No wonder no one likes you, no wonder everyone treats you like an outsider, etc. I'll just stop with that.

Jax turned ONE on Monday. I haven't seen him in a few weeks (I've TRIED...TRUST ME!!!) I can't believe he's 1 already. That year FLEW by.

JM will be 12 tomorrow. SCARY stuff. He's just so cute, funny, sweet, & caring. I don't think anyone could ask for a better kid (well maybe one that did his homework and/or chores the 1st time he was asked...but yeah...he's 12). I'm so proud of him.

I was going to Cinicinnati next weekend to visit ST (& hit Kings Island) but that has been cancelled. Seems like EVERY time we plan a trip something comes up. The only trips that work are the ones that we plan on the fly. ST will be out of town for work. ERRRR.

Sunday is Father's Day. I thought of a great gift for my Dad. I'm all proud of myself. I'm getting him a subsription to Power & Motor Yacht magazine. He used to have one a few years ago but cancelled it because he doesn't do much for himself. I'm sick of the traditional Hawaiian print shirt he always wants/gets.

Mom is home from her week up north. She did great. I couldn't be happier! Now, I hope she just keeps it up thru this weekend, at least.

I want to go get dinner but my friend is napping. I hate when we nap/sleep at different times.

God is love!

If I Have My Way

My gut says things aren't good.  I just can't pin point things, but things aren't good.  I feel likes its the beginning of the end.  Hopefully its just me being depressed and pissy...but yeah.

Today is Shell's birthday.  We are supposed to be going out, but right now I don't think I'm going because I would be ZERO fun to be around.

Tomorrow Shell & I are supposed to be going to Roe's house for a BBQ.  If I can find a way out of that...I'm taking it.  And then we have game night at Steph's house.  Don't want to go to that either.  I just want to go to a different house and just cry.  I don't want to be here right now.

I'll figure it out.  I'm stronger then I know.

God is love.

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Sick Sick Sick

So, I'm still thinking about what to do about the stalker-ish blog activity going on. I think my plan is just to let it go. My blog, my life, get over it. Of course, its me and everything is subject to change.

My back itches, so I itched it was a screwdriver. I think I'm going 110% goofy on ya'll.

I keep wanting to blog about issues I have with one of my dearest friends (but I know they read here...at least, they used to). Its just starting to weight really heavy on me. Life has a way of break my heart...but I'm trying to believe things will work itself out.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Broken And Beautiful

I don't feel great.  Don't know if its allergies or the start of a cold (because it was 90 last week and 55 today!)...but it sucks.

I am so annoyed by people.  I'm sure cause I don't feel great, I'm annoyed more easily.  I'm annoyed with my friends right now.  People...GROW UP!

Major changes went down at work today.  Between 11:00-14:45, two coworkers (out of the say 10 I dealt with) got cused at by customers.  Its such a disaster.  I wish I had the confidence and wasn't so social-phobic to get out of that hell.  Thinking about it just makes me want to cry.  I wish people, anyone, understood the real disaster that lives within my head.

God is love!

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Stand In The Rain

I'm the proud new owner of this camera! Its a Kodak V610 (Sam's Club has it at the store for under $200). It ROCKS!!!!! Of course, I only have pictures of my friend and random stuff around the house so far...but its so cool. I took a video and stuff too. Then I played it thru the TV. FUN FUN FUN! I called JJ to see if I could come visit my lovely nephews and get some good exciting pictures, but she didn't answer. Pictures...and LOTS of them to come!

Its storming here, again. BLAH!

I think we are making chop suey for dinner. Yummmy. EXCEPT my friend thinks we need this stuff (even though the receipe we have doesn't mention it!)...and we've been to 2 stores looking for it with no luck. We are going to stores that the website lists and no dice. We'll find out sunbird asian products...but not the chop suey one.

My heart is breaking for one of my friends. I hate feeling helpless. I wish I could take away the pain. I wish I could make things better. BUT, I can't. It sucks. Remember, life is precious. Life is to short to hold grudges. Live life to the fullest. Live every day like today might be your last on this planet.

God is love!

I'll Be Seeing You

Yesterday, by pure accident I came across pictures from my friend's wedding. Now, I am perfectly aware he's been married before. I've seen a picture or 2 of his ex-wife before. I knew he still had wedding pictures around somewhere. We were looking for something (we even went to Shell & J's house looking for it), and I was in the other computer room and yep...there they were. I looked at 1 picture (it was just his ex-wife) for about half a second and then got out of there...cause it was bugging me. I don't know why I'm bothered by it...but I am. My friend has no idea I saw it, and I'll keep it that way, I think.

I think my problem is I feel like I'll NEVER have that place in his life that his ex-wife had. I'll always be secondary to her. Blah. BUT...I have to remember they aren't together, and he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet...my negative head thinks if given the chance (note, ex-wife is remarried with a child) he'd try to get back with her in a heartbeat and leave me at the curb.

I'm hoping to go to Sam's Club today to get my new camera...but I'm not holding my breath.

Nothing planned, nothing to do this weekend. Blah. I hate being super busy, yet I hate having nothing to do!

God is love!