Behold

I'm going to bed soon, I promise.

The verse that's getting me through today...

When I am afraid, I will trust in You. ~Psalm 56:3

Try, try, try again

Once again, I'm going to see if I'm capable of posting via email. 

~T
07/31/05 23:47

Bugs

Seriously...I know this will pass, but in the mean time, I HATE IT. I hate feeling this way. I just wish there was a real way to make it pass quicker. Really, I wish there was a way to make it not happen at all...but that's not realistic. Just be happy that 1) these moods don't happen as often as they used to. 2) they don't last as long as they used to. 3) it WILL pass.

Is it possible to get sunburn on ones lips? My lips have never been this dry yucky for such an extended period of time. Chapstick & Carmex are my buddies.

Today, I was doing some cleaning...

I had to wash 2 vases. I'm all out of flowers. :-( 1 vase belongs to my Mom. 1 vase is mine. Each time I look at my vase empty, I can't help but be flooded with happy memories. Spring of 2001. Shortly after I moved in with ST, he came home from work with nice fancy flowers for me. ST had only been living on his own 5 months, I had only been there about a week. We didn't own a vase. So, we had to go shopping! He bought me a pretty fancy crystal vase, which I adore still. The store was going out of business, so he got a deal on it...and he got me a new cutting board too. I was so happy. I got flowers, a pretty vase, and a cutting board all in the same day!

I had to throw away a bag of mine. I was pretty attached to the bag, but it had seen its better day. I got the bag May of 1998 during one of my MANY trips to Joe-vision with Butt. We spent so much time at awesome Red Wings' Joe-vision. Good times. That year was DEFINITLY one of the best years of my life, as far as learning stuff as an adult. It was a hard year, but a good year. Lets see...I learned 1) credit cards are BAD 2) I deserve the best 3) No one should tolerate an abusive relationship 4) Real friends will be there for you, thru thick & thin. 5) 17 days in a car with my family is WAY to long.

So, if anyone wants to get me a Red Wings duffle bag or flowers...I'll gladly accept.

That's all she wrote.

Make Me Glad

This has been one of the crappiest weekends I've had in a long time. I'm just in the worse mood. It will pass, I know that. I think part of my attitude has to do with Mom sitting. If I was prepared, knew in advance how much time I'd have to waste this weekend watching her...but no, each day it just sprung on me. Had Mom from 17:30-23:30 yesterday...12:30-15:00 today and now again I get her 19:30 until 22:00. Oh happy relaxing weekend. She's been smoke free a month now. She's still sugaring up a storm about it. Her moods go from one extreme to the other quicker then lightening. She's doing okay physically, in pain, but okay...but her mental issues drive me crazy. There is only room in this house for 1 mental person...and that's ME.

Shell & I were trying to plan when to get together soon. We've been so busy doing our own thing that I haven't seen (or really talked to) her since her birthday gig the middle of June. We were going to try to grab dinner one day this week and then hit the bars or something this coming weekend. Well, sadly, our friend Roe's grandmother passed away. While, I miss my girls...getting together with them at a funeral isn't how I'd like to do it. Now, Butt, Shell & I are going to head down to Roe's area for the funeral viewing & to grab dinner.

I really need to go back to carrying a planner of some type. Trying to keep everything I have going on straight in my head isn't working. Hmmmmmmmm. Maybe I'll MAKE one. Yeah. Actually, I think I need to make dinner.

In case ya'll forgot...the opposite sex sucks.

T out.

Just Another Day In Paradise

I'm feeling a tad depressed, I really don't know why...but I think parts of it are because 1) I'm tired 2) Mom's a PITA

Something from Church today...

*If you believe in Jesus than you must trust His plan.*

I'm trying...its just hard sometimes.

T out.

Two Of A Kind

Dad's home. YAY! He's going on & on & ON & ON. All he's doing is proving he's old...he was at his 30 year HS reunion. I don't get it. His 2 best friends from his class are his brother and his brother in law, which he obviously still talks to/sees all the time. I'm going to bed.

Bed time. YAY!!!!!!!!

T out.

Fallin'

Dad better get home SOON. VERY SOON. I'm SO tired, I'm a danger to myself. I'd be little help to Mom if she needed something major. Mom is in bed, but she won't stay there more then 20 minutes.

I have a feeling that when Dad gets home, I'm going to pass out, but my body is going to think its just long nap time...so I'll sleep like 3 hours and then be up the majority of the night.

Whine whine whine. Do what I'm best at.

Peace, love, and chapped lips to all.

Love's The Only House

I'm tired of being tired & annoyed all the time lately.

Softball tournament today was ummm...interesting. I had my best hit of the entire year my first at bat.

Plans for today have changed & changed again. I'm mom-sitting. She's being a PITA. It wouldn't be so bad if I had some company. Hmmmm.

That's all she wrote.

Days That End In Y

I had the strangest dream last night. Of course, now the details are foggy. I ran into M & JV (ST's former roommates), we were talking and having a good time. Then, they just started bashing ST like crazy. The dream really didn't have much to do with ST, just him getting dissed by one of his best friends. Interesting.

The next few weeks (thru mid September) are going to be rough on me emotionally. I'll rant about it more as it happens, I'm sure. There are 4 things coming up, that I know have the potential to just knock my strange brain around some. They all involve me being single...while its been fun, and has its advantages...it does have its disadvantages. My life, my blog. 4 things...Woodward Cruise, Labor Day Weekend, Red leaving, Roe's wedding.

I have *so* much I need to do right now, tonight, before I go to bed...but I just don't feel like it. Last softball gig of the year is tomorrow...unless I play fall ball. Anyone playing? Anyone need a chick to play?

T out.

Away With My Heart

My last load of laundry for tonight is in the washer. I'm only leaving 1 load not touched. Dad had the dryer fixed right before I left for David's Friends. The washer has been being stupid too, but all is well. The washer/dryer are only as old as this house (just shy of 6 years). They shouldn't be breaking yet!

Mom is doing okay. She's being SUPER clingy. She keeps calling me to come downstairs, for every LITTLE thing. My Dad is right there, but she's mad at him or something silly. As I said, her nurse and PT were here today. Her occupational therapist will be here tomorrow. Then, I believe, she'll be on a rotation where 1 of them is here EVERY DAY for the next 90 days.

I've been telling myself for the past few weeks that if money problems are all I have in life, then I'm doing good. I'm almost seeing light at the end of the tunnel...coming this Friday and then really next Friday...but until then...who needs food, or gas, or medication. I'll live to talk about it. Whiny, I am.

During David's Friends tonight, my table was Thick, Red, and myself. Thick & I were both taking notes and stuff. I kept laughing at myself. I know I can't spell. I went to write S-A-T-A-N and I spelled it S-A-T-I-N. It took me like 5 minutes of looking at my notebook to figure out what my mistake was, but I knew SOMETHING was wrong. Worse part, Thick leans in and says..."How do you spell Satan?"

I've been trying VERY hard, putting an effort forward to make sure I give God control of everything and this His time, His plan gig. I just hate feeling out of control. Right now, something is just outside of my grasps, and I know God's got it all figured out for me...but right now, I just need some patience.

Sometimes I really enjoy looking back at my own life. I've always been a person to live life with as few regrets as possible. Honestly, there isn't anything that I really regret, because everything has lead me to where I am. Back mid-October 2004, I decided one (Wednesday, I think) night, that NO MATTER WHAT, I would be at Church on the coming Sunday. At the time, when I made that commitment to myself, and to God, I didn't know where or with whom I would go to Church. I just knew a Church family was something I was missing, and had ran from long enough. Now, I realize that wake up call from God, was all in his plan. That Saturday was the day ST broke up with me. I was at Church the next morning (and I believe, I've only missed 2 Sundays since) God's so awesome. I don't want to know where I'd be without Him the past 9 months. The friends I've made thru Church, the relationship I have with God, and all the extra family I've gained...as much as I've cried, whined, and longed for ST...looking back, I wouldn't change anything! I do believe that my crying, missing, whining about ST days aren't over, but its a lot easier when I can see things happen for reasons. So, whoever's job it is to kick my butt when I whine/cry over ST...show me this paragraph.

I'm trying to not post a whole lot about stuff regarding Red, because I'm guarded. A whole lot of stuff...detail stuff...not the he's so cute stuff. Will I ever let my guard down? I'm guarded towards him, I'm guarding regarding him. In case all my beloved readers have forgot...Red's so darn cute. He gets cuter each time I see him, each time I talk to him. Part of me hates being this giddy about him.

Enough already.

T out.

Midnight Flyer

I have NO clean weather appropriate clothing that fits! Not that big of a deal, I'm going to do laundry today before church. I can get 3 loads done. Take the towels out of the washer, put them in the dryer...and EEEEKKK. The dryer shouldn't make that much noise. So, after a few minutes, I get Dad to believe me that the dryer isn't working right. Something is stuck in the vent. Of course, I already tossed a load of jeans/shorts in the washer. I'm annoyed. God only knows when Dad will have time to fix it.

Mom's home care nurse was here today. Jo & Mom really liked her. YAY! Her physical therapist is here at the moment. I can already tell know one likes him. He doesn't speak a lick of English, is getting PISSED & IMPATIENT at my Mom because she can't understand him...but its not just her...NONE of us can.

Since I can't do laundry, I really have no idea what I'm going to wear to Church tonight and work tomorrow. Buying new clothes and/or going to the laundromat isn't in the time schedule or the budget.

I guess I will take a nap, since I can't do laundry.

T out.

I Dig Everything

My passing out for the night didn't happen like I wanted it to! I passed out at about 18:45, but woke up just before 01:00. So...I wasted an evening sleeping and am up during the middle of the night. Ahhhhhh. I try my sleep when I'm tired/can gig, but it just messes stuff up. What I wouldn't give to be normal...but what is normal?

I was just thinking, my house seems to be in a the calm before the storm. My house's attitude, stress, etc. is VERY MUCH based on how Mom is. Mom, in the grand scheme of things, has been doing well for awhile now. She's been basically in this world for about a month. I know it won't stay calm forever, I just wish I would allow myself to enjoy it more. I don't allow myself to, I'm to busy thinking about when/how bad things will be when we hit another bad spell. Have faith, T.

Tomorrow (actually today now) is David's Friends. I'm so silly. I look forward to it all the time, but lately because I know it means, I'll actually get to see Red for at least, an hour. He leaves for school in less than a month now. :-( What am I going to do? Oh yeah...stop thinking about it! It doesn't matter...plus, its only about 5 hours from MI to IL. God's time...God's plan, but free will is a real bitch sometimes.

I'm hungry. I think that means I should try to go back to sleep. Its not a good idea to eat in the middle of the night...especially when I want heavy fattening food.

Peace, love, and silliness to all.

Holdin' You

Finally! Mom's home! She's doing well and in very good spirits, which is half the battle.

Dinner is in the oven, has about 10 minutes to go...then I get to nap or maybe go to sleep for the night. I'm spent!

One day, I'm going to sell real quality energy in a bottle (stuff that WORKS, the current over the counter caffenine pills do NOTHING for me!) and be the richest person yet. I'll make Bill Gates look poor. That's my plan!

That's all she wrote.

Secret

I hate mornings. I hate thunderstorms. I really hate mornings when I'm kept awake all night with thunderstorms.

I hate my voicemail. It keeps telling me my password is invalid. Not cool at all.

T out.

Little Red Shoes

ST wasn't lying. I wish he was. Bye Bye McCarty (Whitney & Hatcher too)

As sad as I am to see my beloved McCarty leave my beloved Red Wings, its worth it. I'll take the Wings minus McCarty over No NHL anyday!! I'm SO glad the NHL is back!!!!!!!! Hurry up September!

Peace, love, and hockey to all!

Tequilla Talkin'

My Dad is on my last sugaring nerve right now!!!!!!! My head is hurting still, and in general, I just feel really SUGARY!

I'm a huge creature of habit, routine, systems, whatever you want to call it. This one routine of mine though...is actually according to every headcase person I ever saw, important. My bedtime routine. I have a VERY difficult time sleeping (at night) so its important I keep a routine as much as possible. I wasn't feeling good, so I shut off the TV and was getting ready for bed. Well, I'm taking my bath, and my sister comes up stairs and tells me that my Dad needs me. ERRRRRRRRRRR. So not only, do I have to do more housework (at 22:15!), I don't feel good, and my bedtime routine is sugared...meaning I have to start my bedtime routine over. ANNOYED.

Mom is leaving the hospital at 14:00 tomorrow. Dad's taking the rest of the week off work. I think he's nervous about Mom coming home, the way he's barking orders at us about stuff that doesn't matter.

Its days like these, that I'm ready to tell SML let's get married tomorrow, just so I don't have to live here and deal with these people all the time...but then I'd have to deal with SML all the time. Don't know which is the lesser of the 2 evils. :-)

I'm doing a lot better about using sugar as my negative word. Started at the Church campgrounds over the weekend, now lets just hope I can keep it up.

Drama practice was nearly 2 hours tonight...could have been much shorter if some people would screw around less...but those darn 37 year olds! I'm feeling more confident that we will be able to stumble our way thru VBS.

I was going to stay at Gma's tomorrow since there is no softball, drama, etc...but Mom comes home and I think I should be here. Hmmmm.

I got an email earlier today from ST, telling me that the Detroit Red Wings released Darian Hatcher, Ray Whitney, and Darren McCarty. I knew it was very possible with the new salary cap. I haven't read/heard it from a real source yet...I need to make sure ST's not just trying to mess with me. I'm *so* terrible sadden to see McCarty leave, he might not have been the best player (McCarty on the break away...) but he was SO easy on the eyes. I'm holding out hope he gets picked up somewhere! If he doesn't I guess I'm going to become a Grinder groupie.

T out.

On The Verge

Once again, so much to post...so little time. I need to be out the door in 15 minutes for drama club.

Last night, I saw Wedding Crashers. One of the best, funniest movies I've seen in a LONG time. One I'll be purchasing when its released on DVD. I might be going to see Bad News Bears & Charlie & the Choc Factory this week...at the drive in. Awesome! In my free time.

I double booked myself on Saturday AND on Sunday. Saturday has been resolved basically. Sunday, I'll make my decision on Sunday probably. Plus, I have to turn down Buick Open tickets. Yes, I'm a nerd and would go watch a PGA tournament if I had time.

I left work today, with a sugary migraine. Its better...now its just a really sugary headache.

The word is Mom is coming home TOMORROW. I'm excited & nervous. Its my Mom, so that's subject to change, of course.

Peace, love, and good drugs to all.

More Of Your Love

Jo & I get along 95% of the time, but when we don't...we DON'T! I'm beyond irritated with her right now. I wish I could find a word good enough to explain on my high level of pissed off without being overly rude or hurtful.

I was going out to the Church campground (again) tonight...but Jo & I started fighting and now here I sit with my blood boiling.

Sometimes, I really DISLIKE life.

T out.

Somebody's Someone

I had a great time at the softball tournament this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! All turned out much better then I thought it was going to. Spent lots of time with Thick & Mell, part of my David's Friends group. I'm really getting to know them as people, and since those are the 2 of the 3 that I know the least, its so cool.

Today was Church, with a luncheon afterwards. Jo was being Jo, and chose to not go to the luncheon. So, I chilled with more of my David's Friends...mainly, Lizzy, Thick, Red, and I. Red's sisters were around also, but not that much. Seriously, Lizzy better back off! :-D I have good reason to believe that Lizzy is after Red. ERRRRRRRR. Things are going well there right now...I don't need her messing it up.

I want to go to Church tonight, at the campgrounds...but we shall see. I don't know what everyone else is doing yet.

Mom is still in the hospital. Today is day 13.

That's all she wrote.

All Hat No Cattle

Jo asked me what time we were leaving for David's Friends. My answer was...4 hours would allow me to get my stuff done, but of course, when she was asking this, David's Friends started in 54 minutes. So, I decided to do nothing, instead of rushing to get 1/2 (MAYBE!) of the stuff done that I needed to.

Work has been interesting. Blondie can't do alot of her job right now, but I've gotten into the swing of juggling my work & hers. She was meeting with the othropedic surgeon at 15:30 today.

I really don't want to go to David's Friends tonight...but that's because my Dad is a PITA.

Blah blah blah.

T out.

Crazy In Love

I don't know my left from my right, up from down, lately.

I passed out for about 6.75 hours last night. Almost quality sleep.

I've got SO much in my little brain, I feel like I'm going to explode. There are not enough hours in the day right now, not enough money in the bank, not enough sleep, etc.

T out.

Maureen

I never want to have a heart attack.

Something has got to give. I can't run from 06:30 until 23:30 on 5 hours of terrible quality broken sleep.

Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work I go.

T out.

Rocky Top

So, 27 minutes ago, I told my friends I was getting ready for bed in 18 minutes. Here I am, at the computer, crying. I spent the great majority of last night in a panic attack, and same with my nap today. I just do not want to sleep again, if I'm going to have another attack. I've had to many lately. The thing that just pisses me off, is I know its so related to $$ or lack thereof...could be related to Mom's issues lately, but I don't think so.

In the grand scheme of my mental health, I know I'm doing well. I keep trying to tell myself that. I'm not medicated (11 months free), I'm not in therapy (7 months free) and for that, I'm proud of ME. I've came a long way. I know I'm not perfect, (at least, my mental health isn't perfect...cause we know I *am* perfect!) but for the majority I can deal with me...and when I can't...that's what my friends are for.

Sleep. T. Now.

T out.

For All We Know

Mom is still in the hospital, but doing much better! Day 8 and she got moved to the rehab floor today. Right now, the educated guess is going to be 10-14 days of hospital rehab...but that is if she stays healthy, seizure free, heart problem free, etc.

Work was a PITA today. Blondie is so lucky I like her! She screwed her knee up again BAD. So I did all her running around the office all morning. I know how to do her stuff, but I don't do it often, so I'm slower then her. At least, she was in the office, to sit and her desk and do some work I brought to her. Hopefully she won't have to have surgery again...her last surgery was rough on her.

Drama club met tonight. I think the VBS skits are going to come together. Pastor is playing my husband. Weird. A tad uncomfortable. Hilarious!!!!!

I'm sad & annoyingly bummed out. Jo & I are playing in a softball tournament the end of the month, with our old Church. Dad decides TODAY that he's going to his 30th HS reunion. I have my own silly issues about playing (any time!) without my Dad there. I know this reunion is a big deal, but he knew about it MONTHS ago and decided TODAY to go. Oh well. More outside my social phobic box.

I still don't have a clue what's going on this weekend, regarding the tournament/camping. Guess I should get it figured out.

SML & I had a good time at the fireworks last night. We actually were quiet far from the fireworks, at the HS softball field. Wasn't the plan, but it worked out! Tons of ROOM, very few people, and it didn't take forever to get out of the parking lot. YAY for no crowds!

I feel like lately my posts are the posts that never end. They go on & on my friends. Some people started posting them and they'll continue posting them forever...just because this is the post that never ends...They go on & on my friends.

That's all she wrote.

Better Man

A couple of hours ago, Dad & Jo were on their way home. They called me AGAIN. (I think I got 10 calls from them, seriously!)

Ring ring...

T: "What NOW?"
Dad: "T, what do you call a child born out of wedlock?"
T: "I don't know what you are looking for, bastard, illigetimate"
Dad: "That's what I told Jo."
Jo: "Its some word, then child. You called friend on of these before."
Dad: "Do you have a clue what she's talking about?"
T: "No...."
Jo: "Go look it up."

The word Jo was looking for was LOVE CHILD. I live with nut cases!

Storm In The Heartland

Life is so interesting. Obviously today, since I've posted a bunch of times, I've done a lot of NOTHING. I've been running so much durning the week, that I love being able to just chill on the weekends.

NOTHING = making large ass pasta salad, doing about 5 loads of laundry, cleaning the kitchen & dining room...plus watching way to much TV, playing on this great computer, and napping...what I do BEST!

Today, I was invited to a birthday party for this adorable 1 year old...David. It was a pool party. There was a thunderstorm happening. Not my idea of fun. So, now I'm a snot for not going. Oh well. Plus, it was to much outside my social box for me. I would have known 6 people out of a million...the birthday boy, and his family. Oh yeah, 1 girl from my softball team that doesn't know my name. Of course, Red would have been there...but I don't expect him to spend all his time with me, when he's got a house of a millon people.

I wish my family would RESPECT the fact that I've grown out of being friends with P. Its not like I hate her or anything, I don't wish bad upon her. I have NO problem with the fact that my family likes her and stuff. Don't ride my ass about WHY I'm not her friend anymore, WHY I'm such a bad person because of it, etc.

A few months ago, when I, with my friends, went out with ST & Ann, I posted about how much ST has changed. ST & I talked about it, and all was cool. I had a revelation today. I have changed SO much in the past 8+ months. As humans, we are always changing. Its much easier to notice change within others. I don't think that I've changed in a bad or good way, I just realize how much I have changed. I'm *so* content with where I'm at in MY life.

My friends rule! I know I say that time & time again...but they are the greatest. The 2 that get big gold stars today are Butt & SML. Funny thing, if someone would have told me a year ago, that I'd be giving those 2 the gold friendship stars, I would have died laughing. SML has been my rock. He's by my side, (over the phone most of the time...but you know what I mean) whenever I need someone! Butt rules, cause she's her. Makes tons of sense. She's went and saw Mom at the hospital today. Chilled up there for much longer then I would have! It means so much to me, to know that my friends care about my Mom (& me)! Oh yeah...SML rules cause he still agrees to marry me when we are both single on my 35th birthday.

Its just after 22:00, I have nothing to do. YAY! Maybe I'll scrapbook tonight. Haven't done that in WAY to long. Hmmmmmmm.

Tomorrow, I'm going to some fireworks with SML. I think the place having fireworks has a fair. Elephant ear, ferris wheel, and fireworks. AWESOME.

T out.

Miracle

I have 2 different health issues, which require me to do some things a little different then most. Its really SIMPLE. #1, I can't drink alcohol often and in huge quantites. #2, I need to take 3 vitamins a day.

#1 is never an issue.

#2 is always an issue. I HATE HATE HATE pills with a passion. You would think BY NOW, since this has been an issue since high shcool, I would KNOW by now to NOT skip the vitamins. Sometimes, when I'm eating GREAT, doing without the vitamins doesn't mess me up (at least, not that quickly) Today is day 4 without them...and I feel like shit. DUH. It hit me, V-I-T-A-M-I-N-S.

So, I just took my vitamins. I've been avoiding them since I only have 2 left of the 1 kind. Need. To. Hit. The. Lotto. NOW!

Peace, love, and vitamins to all.

Keg In The Closet

I'm doing a whole lot of nothing today. My Dad is on my last nerve. He's been gone for about 3.5 hours and has called 5 times. LEAVE ME ALONE. I didn't go with you, so I could have time to myself to relax...and you are bugging the sugar out of me.

I'm going to nap or something until Dad gets home and I have to do housework or something. I have a feeling he's going to yell all night.

I love naps. Seriously, naps are so cool. One of the best things ever invented...much better then sliced bread.

T out.

The Water Is Wide

Its Saturday. YAY! I get to go downstairs in a few moments and make a pasta salad, for a graduation party, for a girl I have met exactly 3 times. Thanks Mom! Dad offered to help, plus he paid for the stuff, so I shouldn't be complaining...but its me and I do what I'm best at.

I feel like I've been such a shitty friend to everyone lately. I've been SO consumed with my problems, my Mom's current surgery/health issues, and just busier then the average Joe.

ST is back home. After playing phone tag with him yesterday afternoon, I talked to him briefly (and I actually WANTED to TALK!) but he hadn't been home long and was headed out to dinner.

Out of anyone that I would call my friends, the one that I've known the longest (he's actually referred to as my brother more often then my friend) happens to be working at the hospital where my Mom is. The 1st day I ran into him, I was annoyed because he wanted to talk about his issues with ST. Yesterday, it was nice to sit and talk with him and catch up. I love my Shoe! He's such a sweetheart (most of the time), he comes and checks on Mom before/after work, and on every break. He lets her nurses know that she's his family, so she gets above aveage attention. He's trying his best to be at least, on the floor she's on. He loves visiting with her and all my family. Its so good to be back in contact with him.

Time to make pasta salad.

T out.

Wearing White

So, I have decided, that one can't wake themself up in full fledge panic attack mode, if they never go to sleep. I think I'll just stay awake for about the next month straight. Sounds like a plan to me...

That's all she wrote.

If You Ever Stop Loving Me

I HATE asking anyone for help with anything. I have to ask for help right now and its KILLING me. I should be grateful for having people to ask for help, and I am grateful (but at the same time, I feel like my gratefulness isn't enough).

I wish I could do more then cry right now. I want to be indpendant dammit.

T out.

Here And Now

I need a money tree...a REALLY big one would be nice. I was financially stressed, got over it, thought I was going to be okay for a few days (I can live without vitamins, face cleaner, & razor blades)...but something happen and ...yeah RIGHT...

Time isn't my friend.

Lost our softball game tonight. Jo's out of the shower finally. Must. Get. Clean. NOW!

T out.

We Never Change

I'm so tired & sleepy and yet...I'm on this computer. WHY? I wish I knew. Sleep is over-rated or something like that.

GOD'S TIME, GOD'S PLAN!!!!!

This past Saturday, I actually did some more de-ST-izing my room. I still had 2 garbage bags of my stuff he packed up for me the day he dumped me. I had never unpacked them, I think because it was to emotional to think about. Well, I unpacked the bags, tossed lots of stuff, put some away. Some of the stuff, I'm debating on whether to keep or not...LMAO at myself...I'm innocent, I swear... It was not an emotional thing at all. Its so nice to not cry about the situation any more and just being able to look back on the relationship with fondness and happy memories and know I got a life long friend out of the deal! (not saying I won't cry about it again...but I haven't in a LONG time. There is a HUGE difference about crying/whining about being single vs crying over ST)

Softball sucked tonight for a variety of reasons...people played like sugar, people had attitudes, tension so thick it could be cut with a knife.

David's Friends tomorrow...I don't know if I have the time to go...work and mom are much higher priorities...but I don't know. weeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

GOD'S TIME, GOD'S PLAN!!!!!!

That's all she wrote.

Holdin' You

I'm not the calmest person on the planet. Gma & Dad both left us messages, that Jo & I slept thru. Mom's not doing hot...Dad spent the night at the hospital. "The nursing staff *(#@!)#* sucks."

I feel like I'm going to vomit, my head hurts, I'm shaking.

I got a little card with this on it yesterday, and its so TRUE. When I read it I thought of 2 people right away...P & SML. "As I walk through life I've learned that people who are happiest don't have everything, they make the best of everything they have."

Off to the hospital ASAP.

T out.

Cleveland Rocks

Since I'm about as pro-Detroit as they come... Detroit

That's all she wrote.

Take Me Back

It seems like the past 30 hours of my life have been LONGER then the past 10 years.

Mom's surgery went decent. She's currently in ICU, but basically as a precaution. The Dr wasn't able to do everything he would have liked, because it was to risky.

Jo & I did get to go to the fair/concert like we wanted. We had a nice time and the bands were GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The Afters, Sanctus Real, Mercy Me)

I'm beat. Tomorrow, I get to clean out my car, because its trashed from JM & TOY and now today...Jo & I, do housework, take care of the farm type stuff (animals, plants, flowers, trees, vegetables), go see Mom, go to softball, and oh yeah...I'm on vacation...REST. Yeah...RIGHT.

In theory, I'll go into more details about Mom & the fair/concert later...but I'm so busy lately.

Remember J-E-S-U-S loves YOU!

T out.

Pretty Maids

If things are going as planned my Mom's surgery began about 30 minutes ago. We were told anywhere from 4-10 hours. Jo & I are heading down to the hospital shortly. I slept for crap last night.

Got an email from my Gma W last night, she seems irritated or something that my Dad told her not to go to the hospital. (its a 3 hour drive for her) Everyone that is offering help TODAY better be ready to HELP in a few weeks when we'll really need it.

Last night, which Jo & I were planning on doing 100% of nothing, didn't turn out like that. We ended up on a small (just over 2 hours) road trip to help out a family member. She's lucky she's one of my favorites! :-)

Peace, love , and lots of non-exsistant energy for all!

God Bless Texas

I'm in a pissy mood.

I have my Church life (as in...being active WITHIN my Church, the politics and its activities) and I have my personal life (which is still a Christian life, of course). Right now there is a VERY thin line between the two. Today, I let myself get the 2 mixed up! Doh! Red did NOTHING for me to be mad at him for, yet I am...because I let MYSELF get personal life and Church activity intermingled.

Mad probably isn't the best word. See...we need a male for some skits we have to do for VBS. Red doesn't want to/can't do them. We both had a little bit of attitude in our converstation, because I'm at my whits end trying to find someone, when it should NOT be my job. He was irritated because I didn't believe what he was saying about other obligations.

The lady "in charge" of our drama club is pissing me off. So we don't have enough people...we need to re-write the skits or NOT do them. I do not do things 1/2 assed! I use the words "in charge" very loosely. She has yet to do 1 thing to be "in charge" except for decide the day of the week we are meeting, and actually I am changing it starting next Monday. I just want to bang my head against the wall. If something REALLY doesn't change by the end of VBS, I feel I have NO choice but to quit for now. I feel obligated to see the group thru this VBS mess, but after that...I'm washing my hands for awhile.

There is a local concert Jo & I could go to tonight or we could go to Church. Part of me wants to go to Church to smooth things over ASAP with Red...but the other part, has my blood boiling and says to screw him.

Church was GREAT this morning. More on that later. Off to do more housework. JOY. Its Sunday, when do I get my NAP?

That's all she wrote.

John Deere Green

I love my Mommy, I love my Mommy, oh yes I do.

I love my Daddy, I love my Daddy, oh yes I do.

If it wasn't the middle of the freaking night, I'd make up a dancy dancy for my song.

My Mom just woke everyone out of a dead sleep SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER cause he head hurts. Okay, fine, help Mom. I'm sort of used to being awaken by her at all hours, for whatever reason. After the 5 minutes of madness dies down, Jo & I are sitting on the couch, channel surfing, taking in what just happened, etc.

My Dad comes out of the bedroom to get something (miracle, cause 2 minutes earlier he was barking orders at us...now he can do EVERYTHING himself!) and yells at us to go to bed. Not only to go back to bed NOW, but we need our sleep cause we have lots of work to do today. Kiss my butt, don't yell at me about work I have to do, etc. in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!

I'm not a person that can fall asleep easily...AT ALL. Oh joyous day. I hate when my sleep gets messed with...hate it...HATE IT...HATE IT!

T out.

Lose Control

I haven't mentioned it lately...but...

Red's so darn cute!

I enjoy myself so much, when I'm with him, doing nothing or something. He makes me laugh, smile, and I'm just so comfortable around him.

Red's so darn cute!

My family is bugging me. What happens with Red & I, is what happens. I'm cool with things. God's time, God's plan.

Red's so darn cute!

I do have to say, I adore his family (I know I say that often). I'm so comfortable around his family, which is such a great feeling. To be carefree, to be ME, to not worry about offending someone, etc is just so cool.

Red's so darn cute!

Now...back to my needing to be loved, in love headache. As much as I want that, I realized the other night what MY issue is. I figured out what MY issue is, solving it will be easier (I pray!). Back in October when ST dumped me, I was 100% BLINDSIDED! I thought I had was in a mutually happy healthy lovely dovey relationship. Everything was GREAT (with the 1 major exception, but that had been a problem the majority of the relationship and I had gotten used to it)...or so I thought. My head that is ready to date again is scared to fall in love again and be in a happy relationship. When I was in shitty relationships things were always rocky, so it wasn't a big deal...but in such an awesome relationship when I got blindsided like no other, part of my head doesn't want a happy relationship, because then I can't be blindsided and hurt...but the other part of my brain knows that I need, deserve, and will find a happy loving relationship again, (be it with Red, Joe Moe on the street corner, or Bubba). Need...not like I won't survive without it, but need as in everyone needs to be needed. I'm glad I make sense in my head.

Red's so darn cute!

Have I mentioned I don't anything I really have to do right now? Its SO cool!

Red's so darn cute!

Jo & I have been invited to play in a softball tourney with our old Church. I'm so geek! I haven't played Co-Ed ball since I was much much much younger and that was just so my Dad's team wouldn't have to forfit. Nervous but excited, the story of my life.

Red's so darn cute! (Yes, I say things over and over and over and over to bug Jo. Love ya!)

Peace, love, and nap time to all!

Ring Of Fire

Thursday morning when I woke up, I put on my great Fox 2 news, for my all local morning newscast...cause all I care about in the morning is the traffic and weather. Well, they weren't the slightest bit concerned with local news and it was all about the horrible terrorist attacks in London. Stupid jerkball terrorist! Really, we need to start WINNING this war on terrorism. My heart breaks for all those who are dealing with the newest attacks in a much closer manner then I am.

About 12 hours later, I get a phone call from ST. He sounds terrible. It was obvious something was wrong. It was a short conversation again, partly because I was walking into Target and would most likely lose my signal, partly because the news he gave me shook me more then I thought it would, and partly because I know I've got a guard up with him. (The last probably 5 times he's called, we haven't talked for more then 3 minutes each time...I'm busy usually, his timing stinks, and that guard)

Anyways...the convo goes like this:

T: What's WRONG ST?
ST: Aaaa...I'm just leaving the funeral home.
T: Who died?
ST: #5's Dad.
T: #5's DAD? WHAT? #5's DAD?
ST: Yeah T, #5's Dad had a heart attack on Saturday, #5 is a mess. Just thought I should tell you.
T: OMG. I feel terrible for #5 & his family.
ST: Another thing, I'm going to Europe tomorrow.
T: Europe just got bombed by terrorism and you are going there NOW?
ST: I'm going to The Netherlands, for work, for a week. I'll be fine.
T: I'm walking into Target, I've gotta let you go now.

#5 is a very good friend, hockey buddy of ST. I've known #5 for just about as long as I've known ST. All of ST's hockey buddies are GREAT people. They all are in the smart part of the world that consists of Good Guys! #5 (yes, more often then not, he's called #5 not his real name) #5 comes from a super close tight family. (his ex & I had the same headaches of dating not only Momma's boys...but just guys that were so close to their families it seemed weird) #5's Dad wasn't that old at all. My heart just breaks for #5, his little bro and his Mom.
ST's going to Europe. We all know I care & love (not like that, anymore) ST more then I probably should. Why does he have to go to another continent when that continent just got attacked? Why does he have to go to another continent in general? I like my friends and family at least in the same CONTINENT as me!

Laundry is NOT my friend.

That's all she wrote.

Singin' The Blues

I have a ton o' things I want to blog about...but yeah. Time is my friend, computer time isn't my friend...at least not when I have energy.

Last night was GREAT!!!!!!!! I had a blast! We did a whole lot of nothing. Ry was in from Scranton, PA. He came over, we chilled for about 2 hours. It was SO much fun. Have I mentioned I love him? He's awesome. (Background...Ry came around last summer, out of thin air, as a friend of Jo's. He was around ALL the time. Somewhere in there we all became good friends! March of this year, he moved 10 hours away, to live with his sister.) Then we went to the next town west of us, got some grub and just continue to laugh til I cried and stuff. Ry & I were annoying Jo. We kept calling each other while in the car...yes, the same car.

I really don't have a whole lot to do today...or tomorrow...or Monday...or Tuesday. YAY!!!! Lizzy's grad party is today, I'm going with my parents to make an apperance, if I want to stay, I will and someone can bring me home...but I'm doubting I'll want to stay.

T out.

Summer Of '69

Things I need to blog about...when I have time/energy:

-The sticker on my printer
-#5
-The Netherlands
-Tom Cruise
-Gas prices
-My vase
-My wanting to be loved headache

and a million other things that are taking up to much space in my brain.

One of my buddies is in from PA for the weekend. Yay!

Dancy dancy dancy...I'm off work for 4 whole days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER YAY!

You Do Your Thing

Have faith T. God doesn't give you more then you can handle. I was just playing around on the computer and one of my new favorite songs came on the radio and gave me the little kick in the butt I needed. I'm sure I'll need another nudge tomorrow...but I'm cool for right now.

Drama club was okay tonight. I'm getting a tad annoyed. I'm NOT going to bust my butt on things yet, until 1) we find a husband or 2) we have some type of backup plan. The lady in charge surely isn't the take charge type...just wants the title and credit. I'm way to busy right now to waste time on 5 days worth of skits when we are a male short. ::cough cough Red cough cough::

I want to blog, but my heart is to heavy to get into it right now. The 3 second version...I'm VERY financially stressed, overly concerned with my Mom's upcoming surgery, need to bottle up some patience and energy, and I really want to be loved, to be in love again. (Good thing I love myself!)

Peace, love, and aloe vera to all.

Daughters

::banging head against keyboard::

I just can't do EVERYTHING I need to do right now and its killing me in so many ways. There is nothing that I feel like I can cut out (the sleeping and eating is already at a minimum). I'm only on the computer right now cause laundry is in.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

T out.

Letters From War

I hope everyone enjoyed their Independance Day. Not just an extra (need, well desired!) day off work, but the true joy of being an American, and to be FREE.

I'm just spent! I need a day off to rest. I've had a great time with my 'phews. I have been edgy though, with everyone, and I don't know why really...I mean, tired & hungry, yes...but just a different edgy.

God is good, all the time.

That's all she wrote.

Night And Day

To firework or not, that is the question.

I'm SO beat, but what would a 4th of July celebration be without fireworks?

I think Red should be home any minute, maybe I'll see if him (and oldest sister) want to go with me and my crew...or maybe not.

NAP TIME before I hurt someone or myself.

T out.

No News

Some words of advice to ya'll...

Never EVER EVER start smoking!!!!!!!! My Mom is quitting (for the millionth time, but that's not the point...and she's only doing it this time because she's having surgery and most not smoke for 10 days before surgery) and she's being the biggest BITCH to everyone/thing, including my nephews.

When you get old, realize you are old. 25 is old. You aren't capable of doing activities that are made for 10 year olds. We took my nephews to this fair, they had this moonwalk/bungee cord device. My Dad & I were commenting to the girl working it, how fun it looked. She said, "Oh you guys can do it too." We had 2 extra tickets and what do you know, this thing took 1 ticket each. So, Dad & I get all buckled in. The 2nd run, I get an elbow to the face. The 3 run, I get flung backwards and land on my head/neck. I had an instant migraine, and now today, my neck/right shoulder is KILLING me. 25 is old, I know...1/4 of a century.

I really need to get my butt moving for Church. Blah blah blah. More later.

T out.

Why They Call It Falling.

I have my nephews for a few days. YAY! JM & TOY rule!!!!!!!! They are the sweetest, most adorable, best kids EVER! Not that I'm partial.

I had a killer migraine when we 1st got here, so I had to lay down with an ice pack on my head. JM brought in the ice pack (and I was ready to yell when he knocked on the door, cause I thought he was going to bug me about the playstation). He climbed into my bed, put my ice pack on my head, started rubbing my head, and asking what he could do to make me better. Then he noticed some empty spots in my picture frames. He's old enough/smart enough to know who was missing. JM tends to be to mature for his own good sometimes.

"Aunt T, where are the pictures of Uncle ST?"
"Put away. Do you want to see them?"
"No. I miss Uncle ST."
"I know, JM. I miss him sometimes too."

The converstation continued for about another 2 minutes, but my head was killing me and it wasn't a converstation I needed to be having right then. I did feel a need to make it clear to JM that ST and I are friends, that we still talk and care about each other. JM's parents went thru a blood bath of a divorce, and still don't get along well. I needed JM to understand that I don't have anything bad to say about ST. It wouldn't have stung so darn much if he wouldn't have continued to call him Uncle ST...but as far as the boys can remember ST has been around. JM was 3.5 and TOY was 1, when ST came around.

After I woke up from my nap, I was resting on the couch, with my head still killing me. TOY couldn't stop clinging to me. He kept hugging me, saying "Aunt T, I love you. Did you know that? Do you know how much I love you?" He's just so sweet. Makes my heart melt. He fell asleep in my arms.

JM & TOY are definitly realizing on their own, that their Mom (my lovely sister JJ) isn't all she's cracked up to be. My heart breaks for them.

My Dad has me totally irritated! We were talking today, and I told him about ST & Ann. It was really an easy converstation...definitly, the easiest time I've had telling anyone about them. My Dad has ST on such a high ass pedestal, that anyone I ever remotely talk to of the opposite sex is screwed. Dad likes Red, but he's NOT ST, so Dad doesn't like the idea of me talking to Red. Earth to Dad...get over it. ST & I are done, I've came to terms with it...you should to.

More 'phew stories coming shortly, I'm sure.

That's all she wrote.

A Little Gasoline

Last night, I spent a great deal of time outside, chilling with myself and God. That's one of the COOL things about farm life...being outside at dusk. Ahhh. Relaxing.

It hit me like a brick wall. My being annoyed with everyone/thing was me having a minor tantrum over NOT being in control, this giving everything to God stuff. I'm a control freak by nature, always have been and I'm working VERY hard at not being one anymore. It sucks.

I want MY way, when I want it, why I want it....and that's NOT how God works.

T out.